Kick–Ass – Ain't no Effing Way
5+1 Five times Dave had her back, and one time Mindy pretended not to have his
1– High School
When Dave found out Mindy was going to join him in high school, he had a brief flash of her ripping assholes' throats out, slamming people against lockers, and the teachers and principal crying their eyes out because she was standing over them with a gun to their heads, demanding they don't 'fuck with her'.
What he got was a wary Mindy, unsure of her surroundings and herself, clutching her pink backpack like she would a weapon she'd need to use at any moment, and he finally saw that despite the way she grew up, the killer instinct that she had, and all the skills she'd amassed when other children were too busy being silly and social, Mindy McCready was a teen girl, and given all he'd seen over the years (with Katie and otherwise), he knew for a fact that any teenage girl was prone to insecurities (whether you could see them or not).
So he helped her out, he showed her the way around the school, as easy a layout as it was, gave her his notes, though she was much smarter than him (but not as versed in how to write a report on a boring book), he advised her in how to deal with annoying teachers (don'tkilldon'tkilldon'tkill), and even how to fool her classmates into believing she was a totally normal kid, believe it!
She didn't buy that other girls were only interested in boys, clothes and makeup, but she did confess later on that though the girls around her talked about a plethora of subjects outside of those three, none of it held her interest for more than a split second. Dave had to make a fairly similar confession that other than his best friends (and Katie, he added after a beat), he was not interested in what other teens wanted to talk about.
"Maybe I should ask Marcus to be homeschooled" – Mindy commented one day with a weak shrug.
"What? No, don't do that"
"These girls... These guys, Dave, they don't get it, they're just so–!"
"I know, I know, but. I mean, Marcus just wants you to have a normal life, make friends"
"I have friends"
"Other than me"
"... I don't need any more friends"
"Don't make Marcus homeschool you"
"I don't understand these kids"
"You're a kid too"
"You take it back, asshole"
"Well, you are! And... Yeah, they're annoying as shit, but so what? You're gonna be along people all your life, Mindy, you should learn to be around 'em, even if you don't like any of 'em"
"Fine. Marcus wouldn't go for it anyway"
2– Girlfriend
"She's just my friend" – Dave said patiently for what felt like the one hundredth time.
"Oh right, 'just a friend', I've never heard that one before" – Katie scoffed at him, crossing her arms and scowling at him.
"It's true! She's– I mean, it's Mindy!"
"Yeah, and how the hell do you even know some random ninth grader?"
"It has to do with the... You know, the thing"
"Right" – she said slowly – "That doesn't really reassured me, Dave"
"Why not?!"
"It's not like I don't know how horny you get when you're in that stupid outfit"
"What? It's not– And I don't–! You know what, it doesn't matter. Mindy is my friend and sure, she's a girl, but she's not– It's not like that, believe me, it's not"
"Maybe not for you"
"What's that mean?"
"Dave, do you think I'd date you if you were ugly? C'mon"
"That's– That's– Katie, honestly, Mindy is just my friend, there's nothing for you to worry about"
"..."
3– Father
Marcus stared down Dave as the teen sat in the man's living room. Mindy had asked for his help with an upcoming presentation, and had invited him over. Marcus was there waiting for them, looking like a guy that even Big Daddy would have been wary of taking on, and definitely like the kind of dad that Dave hoped he never had to piss off.
In fact, he made a mental note right there and then never to piss off Marcus – he didn't know if even Mindy could protect him from the man's rage, and that was saying something.
"So, Dave, how's Mindy doing in school?"
"Er, what?" – Marcus raised an eyebrow.
"I'm sure you know her enough to know she has said pretty much nothing about how she's actually doing" – the man stopped and rolled his eyes – "Other than how she wishes she could kick some boys' asses for some of the stuff they say"
"I think that's pretty much it" – Dave sneaked a look sideways, wishing Mindy would return from the store. Marcus had glared at her until she went to go and buy them ice cream, and Dave had nearly thrown himself at her when she made to the door.
"Somehow, I doubt that"
"... Well, I mean, I guess she's doing fine, we don't take the same classes, anyway"
"Of course you don't, but still"
"I... Don't know what you want me tell you" – Marcus sighed.
"Look, you're her friend, right?"
"Yes, definitely"
"So you know about... Her father and that whole business with..."
"I know"
"I'm worried about her, how she's been... Integrating, I guess. You're her only friend, Dave, and that doesn't bode well"
"It's not... Terrible, I mean, I only have two friends... Well, plus Mindy and my girlfriend Katie, but still. I've four friends"
"That's sad and a whole other problem, but, if we're being honest, I don't really care about you, kid, I care about Mindy, though"
"Right"
"So, c'mon, how's she actually doing?"
"Look, Marcus, I... I really respect you for taking Mindy in and everything, you're a great guy, great dad, but... I am Mindy's friend, and if she doesn't want to talk to you about school, I'm not about to tell you"
For a moment, Dave thought he was on his way to another hospital stay, but then Marcus just nodded a little.
"Fair enough" – Dave sighed in relief – "I can respect that, kid. Are you staying over for dinner?"
"Er... Sure?"
"You're gonna like it, Mindy's a pretty good cook"
4– Colleagues
Justice Forever was awesome, for reals, Dave loved it.
What he didn't love was how much shit they talked about Big Daddy and Hit Girl. For all that they had taken one look at Kick–Ass's actions in taking down Frank D'Amico, their opinions on the father–daughter duo went from rude to downright disrespectful, and Dave was on fucking edge.
Things came to a head one Sunday afternoon after another team training. Marty made some comment about how he couldn't understand how Big Daddy had to gall of using his own daughter to fight against full on adults, and the Col. added that it was completely irresponsible for a father to treat their child in such a manner, like a soldier whose life was expendable.
Dave growled as he turned and attempted to punch their leader, though it was swiftly stopped, though the Col. was extremely surprised. The others fell silent, especially Todd, his eyes wide and confused behind his mask.
"Kick–Ass?" – the Col. asked from a frown. He let the teen's fist fall but kept up a defensive stance at Dave's obvious anger.
"Will you guys just shut the fuck up about Big Daddy and Hit Girl?! You don't know them, you have no idea what they–"
"Is it not wrong that he had his own child helping him take down a criminal organization?" – the Col. questioned calmly.
"You don't know their circumstances, you don't know why he did what he did"
"And you do" – he stated coolly.
"Yes, I know, and Big Daddy was a great– Well, okay, he could be kind of a dick, but he was a great dad, he taught Hit Girl everything she needs to survive in the world, including how to survive taking down a criminal organization – which she did"
"He still put her right in the line of fire"
"If you asked her, she'd tell you that she would never have stood for being left behind anyway"
"We would never have let our baby..." – Remembering Tommy (dad) said softly.
"You didn't train him from infancy for it, though" – Dave pointed out – "Big Daddy did"
"I don't know how you can defend him" – Night Bitch commented.
"And I don't know why you're all being so fucking harsh–"
"Language" – Col. Stars and Stripes piped up.
"–to Big Daddy when you don't even know everything that– You know what, I'm not even going to keep going, but seriously, I don't want to hear another– Another EFFING word about how shitty a dad Big Daddy was, or how messed up you think Hit Girl was, is, whatever. Because you've never heard me talk shit about anyone, especially someone I don't even know"
At their vague nods and murmurs, he looked at the Col. before walking away from the meeting.
5– Teacher
Although Dave did not think Mindy would become a wiz at how to be a normal high schooler, he had full confidence that she could fake it fine. One problem he didn't think either of them had anticipated was Mr. Finley, the math teacher.
Mr. Finley, the creepiest dude in the entire school since he arrived about two months into the start of the year, and maybe the first person that Dave truly, honest to God wished he could torture then leave to die. Everyone quickly learned how to stay the fuck away from the handsy, kind of flirty man, Dave included, and he asked Mindy what she thought of him.
"Daddy would wanna take a gun to his balls" – the girl said with a sad little smile.
So Dave didn't worry much about the guy, though he kept an ear out for anything nefarious regarding the man, because as retired as Kick–Ass was, he wouldn't allow a gross teacher to walk around when he'd done more than just being gross. Being gross wasn't criminal (just terrible).
Of course, things escalated because, why wouldn't they.
Mindy came up to him and told him Mr. Finley had put a hand on her shoulder during class, and though she wanted to slam his head against her desk, she held back and allowed it. She also didn't even curse him out – Marcus would not like that.
Dave listened patiently and promised they would take care of him as soon as possible. Mindy nodded angrily and walked away, not seeing how his face twisted the moment she was out of sight.
Yeah, Kick–Ass needed to come out of retirement.
It was not all difficult to find out where the guy lived, and sneaking into his home was even less so, though the wait for the man to return was irritating enough. It did give Dave enough time to peruse Mr. Finley's – and man oh man, Marcus would love to get a crack out of him.
"Mr. Finley" – Dave– Kick–Ass greeted the teacher the moment he stepped into the house. The man made to run, but the vigilante swiftly pushed him further into the house and locked the door. He'd already secured all the windows (oh, how proud would Hit Girl be of him) – "I've been waiting for you"
"Y–You're that–! That vigilante!"
"Yeap, and I'm here for a quick chat about high school girls"
"Excuse me?"
"In particular with the girls that you like to fondle in public"
"I do no such thing!"
"So... You don't put your hand on their shoulder, their back, you don't whisper in their ear, you don't call them pretty, and try to flirt with them?"
"Of course not! I'm a good man, I'm a good teacher!"
"No, you're a piece of shit, that's what you are, and your computer? Man, you are you sick asshole"
"I–I don't know what–"
"Yes you do. All those pictures? Dude"
"You can't prove anything"
"I don't have to" – with a speed Kick–Ass never thought he'd one day have, he took his baton and hit Finley in the knee. The man yelled out and fell, tears already forming in his eyes as he looked up at the vigilante.
"Please"
"Listen, here's what's gonna happen" – Kick–Ass crouched beside the cowering man – "You're gonna grab your computer – all of it, your CDs, DVDs, external hard drive, seriously, everything – and take it to the Twelfth Precinct. You're going to ask for Det. Marcus Williams, and you're going to confess to possession of child porn"
"I'm not– I don't have–"
"And if you don't, I will come back every night until you fucking do it, okay? And trust me, even if you move, I'll find you eventually, and then... I don't think you'll wanna know what I'll do to you if you run like the scum you are" – Kick–Ass inserted some Big Daddy into his voice, and Finley whimpered at his coldness.
"Alright, alright! I'll do it!"
"Where are you going and who are talking to?"
"T-The Twelfth Precinct, Det. Williams"
"Marcus Williams"
"Det. Marcus Williams!"
"Good. But I fear I can't trust you to actually go through with it, so I'll take a moment to let you know what I'll do to you every night until you actually do it" - Dave closed his eyes for what felt like a long moment, and the Kick-Ass who killed Frank D'Amico, who was tortured alongside Big Daddy, who was Hit Girl's companion and friend, opened his eyes - "Stay still" - he commanded, and put a heavy, quick hand on the man's mouth.
Later when he finally returned home, his dad was in the living room watching TV. He looked up with curiosity.
"Hey, you're home late today" - he remarked.
"Yeah, sorry, I was busy with some school stuff"
+1– Aftermath
Dave frowned at the lawyer in front of him, unable to comprehend what he was saying.
"Can you say that again?"
"Your father left you a significant inheritance, Dave, and since you are eighteen years old, it is all yours, starting with the house"
"... Okay, I mean, yeah, the house and all, but- What-? He didn't have any- We never had any money like that!"
"Maybe he was only looking after you, Dave. Regardless, it's all yours now" - he handed Dave a series of envelopes - "If you have any doubts, don't hesitate to call my office" - he gave the teen a sympathetic grin and walked out of the house.
The man walked to his car and took a deep breath as soon as he was inside. His cellphone rang and he immediately picked up.
"How did he take it?" - the caller questioned right away.
"He was shocked, but I'm sure he'll use spend it wisely. Is there anything else I can assist you with, Ms.?"
"No, nothing at the moment. Thank you, Mr. Vaughn"
"You're welcome. Oh, and my sister sends her regards"
"Tell her to stay away from stupid pimp wannabes, I might not be around to save her, next time"
"Well, there is always Kick-Ass, right?" - he looked out his window into the Lizewski home.
"In one shape or another. See you around, Mr. Vaughn"
"See you"
Something of a companion to my other Kick-Ass story, because the second movie lacked Dave/Mindy being pals, so here's to that idea.