Numb – Bethyl Prompt – Numb - July 2014
He was pissed when he found out they had left his brother to die up on the roof. Pissed at them for doing it and pissed at Merle for being the ass that he is. Pissed when he found the dismembered hand instead of his brother. Pissed that he hadn't been there.
But then he realized his brother had made his own choice...and he felt numb.
He was frustrated. Frustrated that Rick had left the little girl to fend for herself. Frustrated that the others had given up so easily. Frustrated that he'd spent day after day in those woods searching for her with nothing to show for it. Frustrated that even her own mother had lost hope in finding her. Frustrated that she'd been there under their noses the whole time.
Then he walked Carol away from the barn...and he felt numb.
He felt hopeful. Hopeful that the prison would be somewhere they could stay for a good long while. Hopeful that the fences would keep the walkers out. Hopeful that they could find some sense of normalcy in these cement walls. Hopeful that his new family could live, even thrive, here in their new home. Hopeful that despite the fact that death literally surrounded them at every corner, he could start a new life here, as a leader, a friend, a brother.
Then the Governor robbed them of it all...and he felt numb.
He felt numb as he looked at the tiny blonde girl who'd been separated from the group. Numb as they ran together through fields to escape the chaos behind them. Numb as she fought him and egged him on to have faith, to hold on to hope, to do something. Numb as she left him eating the charred snake as she went to find her damn drink. Numb as she wrestled with a walker then turned to him accusingly.
Then she shined her light on him. She used her smile and her words and her sweet voice as tools to tear down the walls he had built around his heart. Each minute in her presence was like standing in warm sunshine, thawing his hardened heart.
He was pissed when she called him out about not giving a crap about anything. Pissed that she could think he didn't give a damn. Pissed that she said he was afraid.
He was frustrated that he couldn't do more to save his family. Frustrated at being stuck in one shitty situation after another. Frustrated that he didn't know what to do next.
She wrapped her arms around him, and under her control, he'd never felt more free. Despite his chest being surrounded by her, he could finally breathe.
And along with his tears, he shed it all. All the hurt, the pain, the confusion, the frustration, the apathy. He left it all behind him.
He was hopeful. Hopeful that she would always be there with him, to understand him, to keep him going, to support him. Hopeful that she would never realize he wasn't good enough for her, that she'd never leave him, that he'd always have her in his life. Hopeful that they could stay together, stay safe, stay as happy as he was now.
And then he saw the car pulling away with her in it.
He was pissed – at himself, at the walkers, at the driver of the car.
He was frustrated – with himself, with the miles between them, with the fact that he couldn't be there to protect her.
He was numb.
He fell in with Joe, but was numb to their games, their rules, their expectations.
He found Rick, but was numb to what should have been at least a somewhat joyous reunion.
He found himself imprisoned in Terminus. For a moment he was pissed that they'd outsmarted him. For a moment he was frustrated that he was once again in a situation beyond his control. For a moment he was hopeful as his family worked together to escape.
Then he was numb. Numb in the darkness of his mind. Numb to the hope tomorrow should bring, always stuck in today, because she wasn't there with him. Numb to the gradually warming weather, because the only sun he yearned for was her. Numb to the heartache that consumed him as his heart fought to love her even when she was gone. Numb as his heart returned to its frozen state.
Numb to the pain of chasing her again. Numb to the cuts and bruises he had endured trying to get to her. Numb to the worry that he wouldn't be able to reach her, because that couldn't be an option.
And then he finally found her.
When he found her, as he ran to her, as he finally held her close, as he made sure she was safe, and well, and just as perfect as he'd remembered...
He felt her healing. He felt her sunlight.
He felt her love.