It was one of those cold and rainy nights at Wammy's house, one where thunder only struck a few times, but most certainly enough for one certain boy to become rather petrified by the prospect of the proceeding storm.
Tonight in the old church, Matt was huddled in his bed, trying to muffle the noises of the storm with his PSP's sound turned on high. Meanwhile his roommate, Z, one of the older kids at Wammy's and rumored to know L's face, was cringing at the sounds, and cursing Roger for making him room with the little redheaded brat.
It didn't take long for Z to snap, and eventually he sat upright in his bed, blankets pulled around his body to fend off the chill, and told Matt to leave if he was going to continue with his shenanigans.
This earned a pause from Matt, as sonic fell off a cliff due to Z startling him, and he slowly poked his head out from underneath his covers.
"But the stor-"
"I don't care, I need to sleep. Take your game somewhere else in the the house, I don't care where, and deprive yourself of sleep over there" Z was rather intimidating, Matt couldn't help but think at the young age of 9, but he stayed still. Contemplating moving around to a different, and most likely colder area of the house.
Z's scowl had hardened, which was visible only from the faint light of Matt's PSP, and that convinced Matt to leave. As he got up from his bed, pulling his blanket and pillow along with himself clumsily, and left the room; softly shutting the door as he exited into the hallway.
Matt stood still on the cedar flooring beneath him, while the cold pricked at his feet uncomfortably. He didn't know where to go in the household, only arriving two days beforehand and having no idea whatsoever where he could spend the night now. Or even if he was allowed to venture around at night, by which he didn't want to get into trouble.
And to think; five days ago he wouldn't have been in this situation. If a storm had started in New Brunswick, his Mother would have been at his door immediately. Sneaking in quietly even though she knew Matt was surely awake, and pulling him out of his bed, in the process setting his PSP -that he practically worshiped during those night's- onto the bedside table. Then she would bring him out to the kitchen and make him a cup of warm milk; and it always worked like a charm.
But now the young boy only had his game and an empty hallway to contend with, the game which he had taken to playing all the time to keep his mind off of things. He knew it was bad for his eyes, always looking at the screen instead of real life. But he couldn't help it. His Father always told him staring at the pixelated screens would cause his eyes to fail, and he would need glasses eventually; and sure enough, one week before the accident had Matt scowling childishly at a pair of plastic frames.
Frames which had gotten replaced once already, due to a girly blond boy which he so cleverly nicknamed 'Blondie' breaking them on his first day here. Matt still didn't know the boy's name, which was reasonable. What with him only being here two days so far.
And as another strike of thunder sounded in the walls, Matt was spooked out of his chilled reverie, reminding him again that if he didn't want numb toes he should go find somewhere carpeted to spend the night.
Well..that would have been more relevant if his toes weren't already numb from standing here this long; and so, he began to trudge slowly down the hall, dragging his flashlight green blanket and pillow with him. He rather disliked the color, it looked like the suits that construction workers wore, and it simply hurt his eyes.
Surprisingly quickly, Matt found what looked to be the library; which was an unnecessary observation as obviously, it was library. If the many shelves of books had any say in that anyways. It crossed Matt's mind that he was probably a little to exhausted for his age, for him to have fumbled over something as simple as that.
Nontheless, PSP still in hand he found a lounge chair to sit in, pulled the blanket tightly around himself again so that he couldn't see anything but his game; and he begun playing at the same level of sound as before, this time uninterrupted.
After that night, 10 months passed at Wammy's with what Matt soon found to be average occurrences; Blondie, who Matt had found was actually named Mello, broke his glasses a few more times. A girl named Linda (or Painty) took to following Matt around even though he wouldn't talk to her. Matt avoided making any friends whatsoever, and he ended up nicknaming almost every kid in Wammy's, Mello being one of the exceptions (Matt figured 'Mello' was already a good one, seeing as he wasn't mellow at all). As well as getting in trouble with every single teacher for playing games in class, and hacking into the computers at Wammy's, overriding them after deleting all of their software.
Oh, and Matt had apparently earned fifth place on the score board.
..Not that he ever bothered to look at the board, as he only found out when Mello, Brainless (again, cleverly named), and Nipwit beat him up for it. Apparently Mello had a bit of an appose, but maybe that was just the whole of Wammy's, minus Matt. He seemed popular, nontheless.
Not that Matt was jealous of him or anything, just...observant of the oddly slim boy.
Matt could recall that feeling of dread mixed with interest when he found out that they were in the same class schedule three weeks into his stay at Wammy's. Dread because, well, the boy was cruel, filled with snarky remarks and confidence(confidence was scary). But interest because even though the blond beat him up on a regular basis, Matt still didn't believe that he was all that evil. Maybe it was just him being optimistic, but he felt that if the blond had someone he...
But Matt had quickly cut off that thought, it was too optimistic, much too much. Matt realized days ago that optimism is just a waste of time. Something spared for the privileged, not unfortunate orphans. So he tried to put the girlish boy out of his mind, successfully. And replaced that interest, possible trust and optimism with distrust, ignorance, and dislike.
Matt soon applied that system to everyone around him, to the point were everyone but Painty ignored him on a daily basis.
Not to say that Matt didn't want to trust people, someone at the least, but he just couldn't at that point. Mello was cruel, the Geezer was boring(Bug collecting, I mean really?), Painty was much too cheerful, and other kids..He just didn't like. He settled for games, at least he could understand them, they were easy, and didn't require much trust.
So continued the next two months at Wammy's, completing an entire year of intensive studying, gaming, and avoidance of people. Which brought us to July 6th, where Matt could by found at ten years old now, skipping class for the day and sitting out on the swing set. Enjoying the silence of midday, while all the other children were inside, and relishing in the summer warmth before the rains started coming once again.
It was here that a rather unexpected series of events changed everything. The polar magnet of Matt's world being shifted by the ending circumstance, because how else do you start a story like Matt's? No way other than Mello bursting out of the back door of Wammy's, carrying a box, with a giant grin on his face as he stumbles down the stairs, and in the end trips; nearly falling on his face with a squeak. This of course shocking Matt from ten feet away, though he stays in place, steadying his previously swinging seat as he stares at the blond boy.
Mello quickly sat up, and attempted to dust himself off in the process, only to freeze with a sharp cringe as pain struck through his leg. He withheld a yelp, only to whine anyway, and curse, not realizing that Matt was in the vicinity.
"Dammit, damn leg can't even stay feeling fine for one damned fucking shitty second!" The words were sharp, crude and filled with a harsh German accent that Matt had never heard the boy talk in; which was rather curious. But he didn't question it, and instead hopped off of his swing, whilst Mello was stubbornly trying to stand up on his clearly injured leg, using his box as leverage.
He only noticed Matt when the redhead was five feet away, and tripped on himself in surprise, falling to his side as he finally took in Matt as a person. His response was immediate.
"What the hell are you doing here twerp!? Don't fucking sneak up on my like that!" Mello snapped, trying again to stand up and not put himself to the mercy of Matt.
"I..Wasn't.." Matt trailed off, unsure whether to help the obviously pissed off boy or not. He ended up voicing his concern "Do you want some help?"
This earned the most incredulous look from Mello, one that obviously said; 'Why the **** would I want help from you?'. The words being censored in Matt's head because well, Matt, unlike the blond wasn't fond of swearing.
Matt gave him one of his unsure looks, but didn't get to voice anything this time before he was snapped at again.
"Go the hell away! Make a stupid sand castle or something like the stupid fucking twit you are, got it? Scram!" The word scram was accentuated by the slamming of the back door, the one Mello had previously exited from, and Matt recognized the flash of...something, in the boy's eyes. Nontheless, Matt didn't really get to react before Mello's eyes darted from the door to Matt, and he pushed himself up, grabbing onto Matt, who froze.
"Help!' The blond piped loudly right next to Matt's ear, just as Matt recognized the Geezer's voice shouting at them and his footsteps and Cane scrambling down the stairs. Essentially, Matt knew he should have just left the cursing boy there, let the geezer take care of him; and indeed, it would have saved Matt a lot of future trouble. But the redhead panicked, and with a sharp intake of breath he pulled Mello along, stumbling as they picked up a run, whilst Matt tried to compensate for Mello's limp, down into the woodland at the bottom of the hill.
Whatever was in the box, Mello didn't seem to care about anymore, and instead put everything he had into getting away from Roger. Which they indeed succeeded in, after they got some distance into the darkened tree's, and Mello let go of Matt, tumbling onto a patch of moss beside a tree. Matt immediately stopped as well, and leaned his hands on his knee's, panting and trying to regain his breath.
To think, Mello is already getting Matt into trouble, and they barely even know each other yet.
It was Mello who spoke first, and what came out of his mouth barely even surprised Matt -or it wouldn't have if he was really thinking about it, but it just made him decide once and for all that he really held a dislike for the blond.
"Well you're just fucking useless aren't you, huffing a puffing and tumbling, sheesh. Bloody shi-"
"Shut up!" Matt cut him off halfway, slight annoyance building inside his gut. He helped the blond, and then he goes and says that?
"Why?" Was Mello's clipped response, and now he was glaring at Matt something strange. And it freaked him out, Matt wanted out of there, but his legs felt like jelly from taking on the weight of two, and not really having had much exercise as of late. So instead he opted to flop down, a good six feet away from the detestable blond.
Matt didn't respond, and obviously this annoyed Mello, but Matt didn't care, he just needed to sit for a second. Seeing that he wasn't going to get anything out of Matt, anything at all, Mello ignored him. Instead opting to try his leg; old shattered bone having been re-bruised and already leaving mean colored blotches behind, which he didn't notice until he bothered to actually look, while he pulled up his pant leg.
This caught Matt's attention though, and in something akin to shock, couldn't keep the words in his throat; "What happened?"
"Fuck off idiot"
Now Matt noticed as well, that Mello's accent was gone. But he was smart enough not to mention this, figuring instead that it was something to do with Mello being supposedly alone at that time.
Matt also noticed when Mello let out a sigh and his posture visibly relaxed, before he turned to look at Matt, almost regretfully.
"Twit, I need your help getting back to my room" It was deadpanned, Mello clearly seeing no other choice but to ask for assistance, and Matt knew this. Which caused a very rare scowl to form on the redhead's face as he stood up.
"Fine"
It took awhile to get out of the woods, across the yard, and up the three flights of stairs, Mello grumbling every time Matt bumped or tripped on the blond, but by then said boy seemed noticeably...mellowed, subdued. And then when Matt finally opened Mello's bedroom door, he froze, earning a tired and grumbled "What?" from the figure in his arms.
Simply, Mello's room was nothing. No belongings, no blanket, just a sheet, school books, backpack, probably nothing but clothes in the dresser, and a desk. Just that, nothing else could be seen, no personable items at all, and Matt knew from Mello's voice as well, that the boy knew why Matt froze like he did. If not when he first said it, then when he spoke again.
"Just help my to the bathroom" He mumbled, and Matt complied easily. Still puzzling over the room. The next few minutes went by in near silence, only Mello's words telling Matt what to do; and Matt did, not wanting to leave the injured boy to care for himself, mainly because now he was acting politely. Or at least, relatively.
Antiseptic, gauze, and a foam and plastic cast later, Matt began to put away the medical supplies. Now wondering about Mello, he wanted to ask questions, but he stayed silent for fear of being snapped at. Mello watched Matt intently as he cleaned up, and eventually he was the one to speak up. Matt felt it coming, the entire time, but he thought the blond was just trying to find a fitting insult. Not what actually came out of the boy's mouth.
"I'm gay"
Matt stopped, having halfway zipped up the medical bag, as he looked at Mello with straight laced confusion. He didn't get it, and that interest that he had pushed away before was back, tenfold now. Why tell Matt? That of all things, why? why? why?
Instead the words out of Matt's mouth were; "How do you know? You're eleven"
Clearly this wasn't what Mello had expected, and he frowned at Matt. "Its why I'm here" He spoke, his voice oddly gravely, and it took Matt a long time to respond this time, he just stared at Mello, not knowing what to say. That one word repeating in his head. why, why why why why? Was it some kind of ploy to get something out of Matt? Why would he tell Matt something as private as why he is at Wammy's? And why would he be here for something as simple as..that?
Matt didn't understand.
He said so, and he was just asking for Mello's response.
"Thats because you're stupid. Actually think for once"
Matt didn't take offense, but he was confused beyond hell. Eventually he just shook his head, confusion clouding his mind more and more, it was just as Mello let out a frustrated sigh that it clicked.
"Oh"
"Feeling clever now?" Mello deadpanned, and Matt shook his head, much to the other boys distaste -which clearly showed. "Whatever" He mumbled, but now Matt felt like asking his question, at least one of them.
"What were you stealing?"
"Chocolate"
"Chocolate?"
"Yes"
"why?"
Mello huffed, and instead of answering changed the topic "Why are you still here, twit?"
And there was that attitude again, just when Matt was starting to enjoy the boy's company. Matt didn't respond, and stood up, turning away silently to leave the bathroom. But it was just as he was about to exit the doorway that Mello snapped again.
"Don't you want to know why I'm such an ass to you?!"
The sharp tone startled Matt, and he snapped around to look at Mello's furious Expression, a tingling sensation crawling up his spine. It was that look again.
"Not really, no" This boy was just confusing Matt more and more, and he was getting tired of this. One second Mello wanted something from him, the next he wanted him to leave and the next he wanted Matt to answer a completely useless question. Just as Matt was beginning to feel really uneasy, Mello's expression changed and he felt sick to his stomach. It was menacing, even more furious then before, the kind of anger that makes murderers; Matt couldn't help but think.
Mello stood up then, and though he was still wobbly on the injured foot, Matt backed up considerably, almost exiting the space of the bathroom. But Mello was in his face before he could take more than a few steps, fist in Matt's shirt and nearly screaming:
"Thats why! Don't you get it?! You don't care whether you fuck up or not, you don't care if you fail or disappoint anybody. You won't even make friends, because you just don't fucking care! It's like your depressed!(Depressed?) Every time I pick on you you just take it in stride, insults don't matter to you because you don't care what other people think, so much so that you don't even care what you think! And it drives me insane, why can't you just care!?"
Matt stood still, shocked, heart pounding as Mello pressed him against the wall. He could see every feature in Mello's face, the faint mole of his cheek, or rather a beauty mark, he could see the various colors in his messy blond hair. And most of all, the tears that were soaking his lashes. Farther than that, the deep blue irises that held much too much emotion. Too much..too much. It was too much. Everything. Matt wasn't depressed, he was just distant! He did care, he just didn't show it, and why does this kid(this bully!) Care!?
Mello's other fist went up to clench Matt's shirt, and he leaned he head against Matt's chest; still screaming. But Matt only caught a few words, his mind beginning to spin.
"I hate you, I hate you! Why can't you just respond with anything other then a careless response?! Why can't you just think something about me! All I want is-" Wait, since when did he want Matt to pay attention to him? "-I...I just need you to do something!"
Matt was sure the whole of Wammy's could hear the tantrum by now, but Matt was just shocked, watching as Mello sunk into himself, crying. Holy hell the boy was crying, why did Matt have to deal with this? He couldn't deal with this, so why?
Mello was now burying his face in the crook of Matt's arm, tears staining the younger boy's plaid shirt, and Matt didn't even notice that they had sunk down to the ground. Or rather Mello did, Matt had just sunk with him...
"I...Don't understand"
Matt spoke, and Mello's crying just got worse, the hiccups and blubbering a mash-up of incoherent sounds filled with...German? Yea, it was German. Matt was so overwhelmed, he just didn't understand, he thought the boy hated him, what was this? It couldn't be a facade, it was too real...
'too real, too real, too much, too much...get me out of here!'
Matt tried to push Mello away, panicking again, but the blond held on. Making Matt all the more frightened, but then Mello spoke, pleadingly, and...Matt just stopped.
"Please, don't leave me.."
"..."
It was silent, Matt slowly calmed down, the blond clung to him seemingly terrified; of what, Matt didn't know, and everything just felt heavy and warm. Still suffocating.
Eventually, not knowing anything else to do (the blond won't let me go, won't listen to reason) Matt slowly whispered;
"I don't know you, why are you doing this to me?"
The boy's fists tightened on Matt, and he whimpered.
"Its unfair, how you act...You just don't understand..." He paused, a long suffocating pause that Matt could barely handle, before he spoke again, barely audible. "You're so selfish"
Selfish? How is Matt selfish, when all he does is stick to himself? But that thought was interrupted by the blond bombshell suddenly scooting away from Matt, he looked at him straight in the eyes, before a hand rose and Matt felt a stinging pain in his cheek. Matt's own hand rose to his cheek immediately, and his eyes teared up.
"Huh?" He squeaked, confusion erasing his discomfort, meanwhile Mello looked at him so deeply, so intensely that Matt almost looked away.
"I hate you" He said again, and the meaning of those words just weren't there, it was something else completely. Something Matt didn't want to contemplate in the slightest. He went with his usual.
"I don't understand"
Mello just glared at him this time, no angry voices, huffs or insults. Instead he slowly stood up, gingerly standing on his leg.
"Figure it out" And then he was gone, stepping around Matt and shuffling silently out of the room. Leaving Matt alone on the bathroom floor, stunned.
"What just happened?..." He mumbled, tears still resting on his cheeks from the rather harsh slap.
Matt hurt.
The next few days he didn't see Mello in class, not that he much cared, but he still hurt. He didn't understand Mello's words, yet -and maybe for that reason- they ran through his head again and again.
"-Because you just Don't fucking care!-" "-You don't care whether you fuck up or not-" "-You won't even make friends, because you don't fucking care-" "-It's like your depressed-" "-Drives me insane, why can't you just-" "-Why can't you just think something about me-" "It's unfair how you act-"
"-All I want is-"
Matt didn't understand.
And on the fourth day he grew bitter. Something he hadn't really felt in a long time...and even then it was just sadness after his parents had died in the crash. He avoided the swings, he avoided the third floor, even though he liked the windows up there, and he avoided the meadows. yet still, it didn't occur to him how much he was effected by that day. He wanted to forget, but Mello's words kept wringing through his head.
He wasn't like Mello described him, was he? Mello didn't know him, so how would Mello know anyways? Mello didn't know a thing. But then again, Matt did recognize those things in himself, at least careless... when did he become so careless? It was when his parents died, surely, after that he didn't have anything, still doesn't. But it wasn't that, was it?
Matt was trailing around the outside of the building as he thought about it -The instance that he couldn't erase from his mind- while he kept his eyes glued to his PSP.
When did I become so careless?
He repeated the question in his head, as he clearly remembered it being different a year ago. something did change didn't it? Something to make him so...disconnected. When did it happen!? It was driving him insane, anybody could tell from his expression that he was frustrated beyond belief. And it was when he took a corner around the building again that it occurred to him- finally, as he caught sight of some kids playing soccer with their friends in the field. Not just soccer, he realized as he took his eyes away from his PSP, ignoring the beeps of the device that signaled his failure. But they were all in groups, doing different things, the biggest group was soccer of course, but Painty was sitting with a blond haired girl, appearing to be drawing; and Nipwit was wrestling in the dirt with Cracker, being cheered on by Brainless, along with China Doll.
Everyone was with their friends...and Matt was just playing his games, all the time. He used to play with his friends, back in New Brunswick, but that all changed. Why did it change? Because he had nothing, after his parents died and he came here, he didn't want to have fun. He shouldn't have fun when his life is so ruined, he shouldn't be good at studies, or succeed in anything, he shouldn't have friends..because his parents aren't here, so what's the point?
Matt is just a kid, there is no point in living without his life, yet here he was. Why was that? Thing's used to be so different, so simple and fun..
Before he knew it, a tear was rolling down his cheek, and he dropped his game to wipe it away, it falling into the dirt and bouncing a few paces away before it stilled. Matt stared, and a beetle eventually made its way across the red device. A beetle, with such little purpose in life, how long do they live? It was 10 to 14 days, wasn't it? Matt had learned that in class -such a useless fact, why did they bother teaching it? What good was it ever going to do?
And just as well, what good was Matt ever going to do? He just plays games all of the time.. wasting his life away. What good was the point in any of this? He would never become anything great without his life.
But how do you waste a life you don't have?
But how..do you make anything of it?
What's the point in all of this?
Its on the tip of Matt's mind, and he vaguely watched the beetle spread it wings, before buzzing away. "You could die tomorrow, like my parents, and what have you possibly done?" Matt mumbled, the main purpose of that short lifespan crossing his mind, and indeed, its entire purpose was to bring life to other beetles, before the process would repeat.
What's the purpose of Matt's life? He supposed like a beetle, to protect and nurture other's in some way, but without anybody how does he do that? Matt has nobody, nobody cares enough for Matt to have a purpose.
"-All I want is-"
What did Mello want? And then it struck, it hit back like an arrow through his heart -Or rather, like a chunk of metal into his ribs, where that scar still rested. What has Matt been doing all of this time? Wasting away, carelessly ignoring everyone, not even hating the blond that beat him up on a regular basis. And Matt recalled Mello's passion, in class, when he was angry, when he cried...
How did he miss it? How did he not realize what he was doing? That he was just letting himself rot, floating around uselessly in the world? His life supposedly ending wasn't a reason to not carry on, he was still Matt, Parents or no parents...
Matt turned around, forgetting his PSP as he ran back inside of Wammy's, and up the three flights of stairs, his legs aching as he pushed himself upwards.
All I want is..someone to care for me, someone..something to care for, that simple thing, is the purpose of almost everything. The people in it, the things in it, Matt didn't lose his world just because he lost his parents, he was still there. He still had a history, a life, and he wouldn't waste it damn it! He was glad to be alive, and his parents worked to bring him here, to this point, he wouldn't waste something as special as himself. And Mello works to do the best he can even though he lost his life, for some reason he cared about Matt too. He had that passion...
He skidded to a halt at Mello's door, knocking on the cedar wood, and waited with baited breath- anxious. He heard the footsteps, he felt his heart rate increase. And when the door opened to reveal Mello's confused and borderline irritated face, Matt let out a breath. Before he wrapped the boy in his arms, hugging him tightly, like he would have his parents, or the family dog. And he was -dare he say it?- happy. Happy as hell. Especially when Mello gripped him back, and Matt didn't know why Mello even did.
"I'm sorry Mello, I'm so so sorry, please forgive me, I didn't mean to do what I did, I get it now, I'm so sorry..." Mello pushed Matt away halfway through Matt's teary rant, holding him at arms length, and Matt stilled himself as Mello looked him in the eyes, question in his expression, before mirth, and before he shook his head, biting his lip. Matt looked at him in silent confusion now, before Mello spoke, so silently that it seemed Mello wondered if he should even say it.
"You're such a dork, I can't believe I didn't realize it before" And there was that shy smile that Matt had never seen before on Mello's face, and his stomach twisted in knots.
-Seconds before Mello leaned forward and kissed Matt, just on the corner of his lips with one hand gently placed on Matt's shoulder, and In that moment, both of their minds were thinking the exact same thing. Along the lines of; 'Finally, we're both going to be okay'