Title: A Lament For the Living
Author: CJ aka WritinginCT
Fandom: Stargate SG-1/Atlantis
Pairing: Daniel Jackson/Ronon Dex
Rating: PG-13 (for overall fic tone)
Warnings: None
Categories: Apocafic, H/C, Romance
Disclaimer: I don't own the recognizable characters I'm just inspired by them. Hopefully they've had fun playing in my sandbox.
Note: Written for the LJ lilblckdressfic exchange
Thanks to azraelz_angel for the beta and cheerleading!
Summary: Earth is destroyed and a lone ship full of survivors makes it to Atlantis. A guilt-ridden and emotionally spent Daniel is able to find comfort and healing in someone that knows the pain of his loss intimately.
Status: Complete 12/5/08 4908 words
---
He stood on the ledge of the balcony feeling the wind rushing past. If he closed his eyes he didn't have to see the beauty of the endless blue of the ocean and he could instead be any one of a million other places he remembered. He tried to hold on to those memories and the faces of those left behind, but it was no use, they were slipping away from him. There was one face in particular that haunted him. And he knew that the moment that face started to fade would be the moment he would finally find the strength to let go of the railing and join them all in oblivion.
---
Ronon stood at the door to the balcony with his arms crossed over his chest just watching. With a sigh he reached up and tapped his radio to a single channel. "Sheppard, I found him."
"Good. I'll pull everyone else back. And I'm going to talk to Carter and Keller. I think we need a more permanent solution to this problem. Chasing after him is getting old, fast."
"I'll bring him back when he's ready."
"Okay. Sheppard out."
Ronon stepped out on the balcony and stepped up behind the man on the ledge. Either he didn't hear Ronon or just wasn't acknowledging his presence. He didn't acknowledge much these days and he hadn't spoken since arriving on Atlantis.
A particularly strong gust of wind ripped through and without hesitation Ronon wrapped a strong arm around Daniel.
---
He was reciting a lament for the dead in his head that he had learned years ago from the people of P3X-871. It was long and intricate and his memory was fighting him on remembering it in whole. He had almost reached the end when he felt the wind pick up. He didn't tighten his grip on the railing, deciding that if that wind wanted to take him with it then he wouldn't fight it.
What he didn't expect was the arm wrapping around him that came out of nowhere. For a moment, just the briefest of flashes, he was in another time and place and it was Jack's firm grip on him keeping him from succumbing to the effects of that addictive light. But then he realized that the person holding him didn't just have a tight grasp on his arm, they had instead wrapped a steely band of muscle and tendon around his chest holding him absolutely. Not Jack. Ronon.
Daniel was surprised at the gentleness in Ronon's voice as he said, "You should really eat more if you're gonna be hanging out on ledges. You're so skinny one good breeze will blow you over."
Daniel opened his eyes but didn't acknowledge the other man. Ronon didn't say anything further, but he didn't let go. Soon Daniel felt the heat from Ronon's body leeching into his own. He hadn't been warm in very long time, and he didn't know if he wanted to be or if he even deserved to be.
Behind Daniel, Ronon's brow was furrowed with concern. Daniel was even thinner than he realized. He really was nothing but skin and bones. The depth to which he had sunk into his apathy was apparent in his unwashed body and clothes and his greasy unkempt hair. He bore no resemblance to the strong and capable man that had visited Atlantis previously.
---
That visit had introduced Ronon to the man that everyone held more than a little bit in awe, the infamous Dr. Jackson. Daniel to those in his inner circle. The man that had ascended and walked among the ancestors not once but twice. After that visit, Ronon had gathered bits and pieces of Daniel's story from here and there among the Atlantis personnel. Daniel intrigued him. And Ronon had been looking forward to a future visit where he could find a way to interact with the man.
But the man that had so piqued Ronon's interest wasn't the man that stepped off the Odyssey four weeks ago after the destruction of Earth. The lone ship full of survivors had been all that was left. They were assimilated into the population of Atlantis and everyone started enacting the contingency plans that had been prepared long ago in the event that Atlantis found itself on its own once again. Ronon had been on the pier helping with moving the wounded off of the ship when he first saw Daniel emerge. It had taken him a moment to recognize him. The skinny man with the haunted look on his face barely held any resemblance to the man Ronon remembered. Daniel had spoken to no one, and he even flinched away from Colonel Carter when she tried to embrace him.
As the rest of the survivors had settled in on Atlantis and everyone started grieving, Daniel distanced himself further and further away from everyone. Ronon had been privy to command discussions where the terms "post traumatic stress" and "psychotic break" were mentioned in somber, hushed tones alongside Daniel's name.
It was Colonel Carter that initiated the suicide watch on Daniel a week after the Odyssey arrived. And the tears that snuck out on her during the discussion were tactfully ignored by everyone else in the room.
---
And so it had been for the past three weeks. Daniel would wander off into the uninhabited parts of the city, causing a flurry of activity in his wake as they searched for him. It was always Ronon that found him and watched over him. It was Ronon that made sure Daniel didn't do anything irreparable to himself. And it was Ronon that made sure there was food left in Daniel's quarters even if he didn't eat it, knowing that Daniel wouldn't go to the mess. No one ever questioned Ronon's dedication to Daniel, everyone was just too caught up in their own duties and grief.
Now as he stood on the balcony and held on to Daniel he realized how thin and far gone Daniel truly was. Daniel was ice cold to the touch, and it wasn't just from the wind. It was a soul-deep kind of cold. Daniel had surrendered. He had given up entirely. Ronon knew that if someone didn't reach Daniel soon, that he would be lost permanently. And he decided to act.
His voice was calm and firm as he asked, "Do you really wanna die?"
An unconscious shiver coursed through Daniel's body that Ronon didn't miss. He had struck a nerve. But Daniel still didn't answer. With a motion that was too quick for Daniel to react to, Ronon changed his grip on Daniel and pushed him off the ledge. Saved from plunging to his death only by the tight grasp Ronon had on his forearms Daniel hung there still not saying a word.
Ronon said with a tinge of anger in his voice from above him, "If you really want to die you look me in the eye and say it. You say it and I'll let you go. Right now."
Daniel looked up and met Ronon's eyes. He knew the other man wasn't playing, and wasn't lying to him. All he had to do was say the words and it could all be over. But he couldn't. He couldn't say the words. He really didn't want to die. He just wanted the pain and the guilt to go away. And he wondered exactly how long Ronon would be able to hold on to him. The look of determination in Ronon's eyes told him it would be a long, long time.
"I've been where you are. You don't wanna live but you don't really wanna die either. So you tell me the truth- do you want to die?"
Daniel's eyes were still locked on Ronon's when he answered softly, "No." It was the first time in almost seven weeks that he had spoken.
At that one word Ronon pulled him up and back over the railing with little effort. As Daniel emotionally and physically wilted in front of him, Ronon simply wrapped his arms around the broken man and held him tightly. Daniel finally let out all of his emotions. His tears released his grief and his fists pummeling against Ronon's broad back released his rage. Through it all Ronon stood fast and just held on, never letting go, taking all Daniel could throw at him.
Eventually Daniel's emotional storm calmed and his legs gave out in exhaustion. Ronon followed him down to the balcony's floor and after settling himself against railing he pulled Daniel in close and held him some more. For a couple of hours they sat like that, not speaking. Ronon's big hand had been gently stroking Daniel's back and his head and anywhere else he could reach. And it seemed like the more he did it the closer Daniel pressed against him. Ronon knew personally what it was like to be that starved for human touch and he would keep up it all night if Daniel needed him to.
They watched the sun set and the temperature started cooling off significantly. With a little effort Ronon extricated himself from Daniel and stood up. He pulled Daniel to his feet and said, "C'mon. You need a bath and something to eat."
Without saying a word, Daniel nodded and let himself be led back to his quarters.
---
Daniel let Ronon manhandle him gently towards the shower. Ronon efficiently stripped off Daniel's filthy clothes and stuck him under the warm spray.
"You. Scrub." Ronon ordered with a touch of teasing as he handed Daniel a washcloth and bar of soap. He then scooped up Daniel's dirty clothes from the floor and put them into a waiting laundry bag near the bed. He looked through the remaining "grab & go" foods he had left previously for Daniel and realized that there really wasn't anything that would serve as a real meal. He hit his radio and got connected to Keller.
"Hey. What should I feed this guy?"
It took Keller a moment to catch up. "You mean Dr. Jackson?"
"Yeah. His ribs are hanging out. I don't think he's been eating. And I don't wanna give him something that'll make him sick or anything."
Keller sighed. She had been so busy taking care of all the survivor's critical injuries she hadn't really had time to deal with the other issues that were cropping up due to post traumatic stress. Dr. Jackson's condition was just an example. "I'll order some food from the mess. He needs to eat small, light meals and frequent snacks. That'll build him back up slowly. Are you in his quarters?"
"Yeah. He's in the shower."
"Good. I'll have a couple trays sent for you both. Just let me know if you two need anything else."
"Yeah. Thanks."
A couple of minutes later Daniel emerged from the bathroom with a towel tied low around his waist. Silently he went and dug a clean t-shirt and pants out of a drawer. As he stood there over the open drawer with his back to Ronon he asked quietly, "Why are you doing this?"
Ronon didn't have an answer. Why was he doing this?
Daniel slipped the t-shirt over his head hiding his emaciated frame. When Ronon didn't answer him, Daniel added, "I don't need your sympathy."
Daniel's almost sarcastic tone made Ronon's eyebrow shoot up. "Is that what you think this is?"
Daniel was trying unsuccessfully to put his sweatpants on without removing his towel, but his weakened body had other ideas and he almost fell on his face before catching himself. It took several tries but he finally managed to get his pants on before turning to face Ronon. "Well if it's not sympathy then what is it?"
Ronon shrugged. "Like I said. I've been where you are."
Daniel knew very little of Ronon's story. He had been so focused on stopping the Ori on that first visit to Atlantis that he really didn't delve that deeply into it. And because of that he snapped back without thinking, "Oh so you know what it's like to watch your entire planet be destroyed?"
Ronon's own temper flared momentarily and he stepped towards Daniel with his hands fisted at his side. "Yeah, I do."
Daniel's eyes held Ronon's. Both men were tense and the anger crackled in the air around them. They were angry at each other, angry at enemies they couldn't defeat, and angry that they were angry. But before anything else could be said there was someone at the door. Dinner had arrived.
---
The meal was a quiet one, and their flare of anger dissipated. Under Ronon's watchful eye Daniel forced himself to eat the soup, bread, and cheese that had been brought for him. It surprisingly sat well in his gut; it was the first real meal he had eaten since leaving Earth. When he was done eating Daniel wandered over to the window and looked out at the clear night. Atlantis was just as beautiful by moonlight as she was when bathed in sunshine and it almost hurt to look out at the tranquil city.
He felt Ronon step up behind him and though there was space between them, Daniel could again feel Ronon's body heat attempting to warm him. He hadn't actively noticed it earlier, or maybe because they were outside in the ocean breeze, but there was a deep woodsy scent coming from Ronon. Something familiar about it screamed safe, safe, safe in Daniel's mind. He locked away the association in his mind, not really wanting to examine where that was coming from even though he knew full well as a different pair of brown eyes flashed in his mind's eye.
Daniel's voice was hoarse as he whispered, "Earth is gone."
"I know." Ronon replied gently and laid a strong hand on Daniel's shoulder.
Nothing else was said. And a while later an emotionally spent Daniel went to bed. All of the lights were turned off and the room was illuminated only by the moonlight and the myriad of little city lights through the window. Ronon sat on the couch and made himself comfortable with his long legs stretched out and resting on the low table in front of the couch. There was simply no question about him leaving Daniel alone.
It didn't really surprise Ronon a while later when Daniel joined him on the couch and curled up using Ronon's thigh for a pillow. Daniel needed something real and solid and alive to hold on to, something... someone to anchor him. And Ronon could do that, could be that for Daniel. As he absently stroked Daniel's hair Ronon wondered who had been Daniel's anchor back on Earth.
---
In the days that followed Ronon never left Daniel's side. He cajoled and browbeat Daniel into eating, sleeping, and showering. And he dragged him off to explore the unoccupied far edges of the city trying to engage Daniel's legendary curiosity. After about a week, Daniel started looking better, a bit more like his old self. And it let Carter, Sheppard, and Keller all breathe a little sigh of relief and relax their vigilance. None of them questioned it when Ronon asked to be pulled off missions for a while unless it was an emergency.
As the days turned into weeks, Ronon dragged Daniel to the gym and nagged Daniel into exercising. And Daniel found it cathartic. Round after round they would attack with the sticks, attempting to best each other. The stinging pain the blows inflicted made him feel alive. They started interacting with others and though Daniel rarely spoke to anyone besides Ronon, his presence was comforting to those that still held him in high regard. It was as if, as long as Dr. Daniel Jackson was alive and with them, that everything would somehow be okay.
In bits here and there, Ronon got the whole story out of Daniel about what happened to Earth. He never pushed, just let Daniel tell him in random recollections and whispered sentences. Daniel's guilt over what happened was absolute. And he refused to be relieved of it, even though there was truly nothing for him to feel the least bit guilty about.
One night about three months after arriving on Atlantis, Ronon again found Daniel on a balcony. This time it was the balcony in Daniel's quarters and this time Ronon wasn't concerned. As Ronon watched from the window he could see an almost peaceful look on Daniel's face as Daniel watched the sun set over the city. Daniel's lips were moving as if he were reciting something. When he finished he paused and a sad little smile slowly appeared on his face. Ronon stepped out onto the balcony and stood next to Daniel. He asked, "What was that?"
"I finally remembered the end."
"The end of what?"
"It's a lament for the dead someone taught me a long time ago. I couldn't remember the end no matter how hard I tried. It finally came back to me."
"Is that like a prayer?"
"Um, more of a poem or song. Listen." Daniel cleared his throat and closed his eyes as his sure voice recited the piece again. The cadence was slow and steady even, belying the complexity of the foreign words rolling off of Daniel's tongue as he sang. It was hauntingly beautiful.
When he was finished, Daniel opened his eyes to see Ronon staring at him with a thoughtful look on his face and he was taken aback when Ronon asked simply, "They're not really for the dead are they?"
It was a subtle insight that most people would miss and it surprised Daniel that it came from Ronon and made him look at the other man a little differently. "No. You're right, they're for the living. So the dead are never forgotten."
Ronon nodded and turned his attention back to the sun setting on the city. Each man was lost in his own thoughts of people they had lost. As they watched the sun sink below the horizon, Ronon asked sadly, "Will you teach me?'
In an odd reversal it was Daniel's hand that came to rest reassuringly on Ronon's shoulder as he said, "Yes."
---
In the months that followed life on Atlantis settled back into something resembling normal. There were missions through the gate, and the continued exploration of the city. Daniel occasionally joined off-world missions, but spent the majority of his time in the Ancient database learning and studying. And he was soon back into the groove of interpreting and translating for the different departments that were all begging for his help. Ronon resumed his place on Sheppard's team, fighting the Wraith and providing his fighting skills when needed.
If anyone thought it odd that Daniel and Ronon were co-habitating, no one said a word. It had started out slowly, with Ronon's clothes and toiletries needing to be there as he looked after Daniel. Then his other belongings simply found their way there without discussion. It was Daniel that took the initiative and had a second bed delivered, again without discussion. Set up next to his they were separated only by the small nightstand. Close enough though, that they could reach out and touch the other in the night should they want or need to, but still a definite distance between them.
They were not lovers no matter what initial appearances might suggest to outsiders looking in on their relationship. They were certainly domestic and definitely comfortable in each other's space, and were each exceptionally protective of the other, but they were not lovers.
It wasn't all domestic bliss for them. Both were strong minded, stubborn men who liked getting their own way. They occasionally shouted and stormed off only to return as the sun was setting to whisper simple, honest apologies on the balcony.
---
It was about eight months in when Daniel started noticing Ronon withdrawing from everyone, himself included. The big man's moods were volatile and hostile and no one knew what was bothering him. Daniel heard about a lunchtime outburst in the mess where Ronon threw a tray across the room before stalking out.
Daniel searched the city and found Ronon on that far balcony where he had found Daniel all those months ago. Ronon's hands were fisted and his entire being appeared tense and ready to snap. Daniel walked out onto the balcony and said quietly, "I'm not strong enough to hold you over the edge. So how's about you just tell me what's wrong?"
Ronon didn't turn around but he did close his eyes and drop his chin to his chest and uncurled his fingers.
Daniel took a step closer and reached out to rub Ronon's arms gently as he said, "Please talk to me."
The words came out a barely audible whisper, "It's ten years tomorrow."
Daniel didn't have to ask what Ronon meant, he had read up on Sateda and Ronon's story. There was nothing he could say to make that pain go away for Ronon. Nothing. But he did lay his cheek on Ronon's shoulder blade and slip his arms around Ronon's waist to hold him tightly. And this time it was Daniel's warmth leeching into Ronon's cool skin.
---
Late the next morning Daniel stuffed some things in a pack and dragged Ronon to the gateroom without explanation. He had already gotten permission from Sam and the technician dialed the gate.
"Where we going?" Ronon asked.
"You'll see," was the only reply Daniel would give him.
As soon as they stepped through the other side of the wormhole Ronon knew exactly where they were. Sateda.
"Why are we here?" Ronon demanded, the anger apparent in his voice.
"Tell me about Sateda."
Ronon shook his head and stomped away, the rage threatening to pour out of him.
Daniel followed a little ways behind him and prompted, "If you don't remember, who will?"
Ronon turned back around and snarled, "What if I don't want to remember?"
"If you don't remember them then they're just gone. Like they never existed. Is that what you want?"
"They are gone. I... we couldn't stop the Wraith. Remembering that isn't going bring'em back. Nothing can."
There were tears of grief and frustration in Ronon's eyes and Daniel's expression softened. "I know. Believe me, I know. Now tell me about Sateda."
They walked the broken streets of Sateda all day. Exploring the remains of Ronon's people. They came to the remnants of what looked like a park and Ronon paused with a sad smile. "I kissed her for the first time underneath that tree," he said, lost in his memory.
"Who?" Daniel asked gently.
"Melena."
"Your wife?"
"She was gonna be." Ronon replied longingly as he walked off towards the tree.
Daniel let Ronon have some time alone with his memories and climbed a hill edging the park and sat down to wait. The view from the top was of the entire leveled city. It was a sad, but beautiful, tableau. When Ronon joined him a short while later, the sun was just starting to set. Daniel dug in his pack for something and stood up. He handed Ronon a candle and held one himself. He quickly lit them and in a deep, sure voice sang the lament of the dead. He didn't sing for Melena, or even for Sateda. He sang for Ronon. And there was no shame for the tears that streamed down both men's cheeks.
---
Daniel didn't want to go to the memorial service they were planning on holding in the gateroom to mark the one year anniversary of Earth's demise. He was resisting it with every fiber of his being. And the talk flying around Atlantis about the memorial had all but returned Daniel to his uncommunicative and withdrawn state.
Ronon found him on that far removed balcony the night before the memorial service. This time Daniel wasn't standing on the ledge though. This time he was just standing statue still at the railing with his hands deep in his pockets as he looked over the city. The sea breeze blowing Daniel's shaggy hair that he refused to cut was the only movement around his person.
Ronon went and stood behind Daniel. His voice was low and respectful as he said, "Tell me about Earth."
Daniel leaned back against Ronon's chest and felt the familiar warmth and let himself soak up that warmth and the host of caring and support that went along with it. He took a deep breath and told him about Earth and Abydos. He told him of his parents and of Sha're. He told him of people he had loved and lost. But he didn't tell him about Jack. He didn't even know where to begin that particular conversation, so he didn't. When he was finished the stars and moon were out and bright in the sky and he was still leaning back against Ronon, whose arms had wrapped around him at some point in the tale to pull him close.
Ronon suspected that Daniel was leaving something out but he didn't press. It wasn't until later when they had just turned off the lights to go to bed that Daniel felt Ronon sit on the edge of his bed next to him and say seriously as he lightly stroked Daniel's hair, "You should come to the memorial." He didn't expect an answer and Daniel didn't give him one. Ronon sat there in the dark stroking Daniel's hair until Daniel's breathing evened out and Ronon knew he was asleep.
The next morning was somber in their quarters. And Daniel escaped to the balcony with his morning tea to avoid further discussion about the memorial. Ronon respected Daniel's desire to not talk about it. But soon enough it was approaching the time of the service. Ronon stuck his head out the balcony door and said, "I gotta go. Sure you won't come?"
Daniel shook his head lightly, "No."
"Alright. You know where I'll be." Daniel nodded in acknowledgment and Ronon turned to go. He had only taken a step when he turned back around and said, "Just remember, it's not for the dead," before turning around again and heading for the gateroom.
Daniel finished his tea and mulled over what Ronon had said. It was true. Laments, funerals, and memorials really were for the living. He stared at the bottom of his empty mug for a minute then made up his mind.
---
The service was underway by the time Daniel arrived at the gateroom. He hung at the back of the crowd gathered trying not to draw attention to himself. Ronon was down near the rest of the Atlantis command staff and he noticed Daniel's stealthy entrance right away. There were prayers and readings from many Earth cultures and religions. And each expedition member was offered an opportunity to speak if they wanted to. Many took the opportunity and spoke eloquently, some tried only to be overwhelmed with emotion. Finally there was no one left waiting to speak and Colonel Carter was going to end the service when Ronon spoke up, "Can I say something?"
There were nervous looks exchanged around the room, Ronon was not known to be a man of words or eloquence. But as he stood in front of the gate and looked around there was compassion and understanding in his countenance that everyone could see. "They call this thing a lament... for the dead. But it should be called a lament for the living. So we don't forget." He cleared his throat and once his eyes locked onto Daniel's, Ronon began to sing. He didn't sing for Earth or all those that were lost. He sang for Daniel.
When he was done there were no dry eyes to be found in the gateroom. And with a little nod to Ronon, Daniel turned and left.
---
Ronon thought Daniel would have been out on that far balcony again, but he wasn't there when Ronon went looking. On a hunch he headed back to their quarters. His attention was drawn to their balcony where he could see Daniel standing at the railing with his head thrown back and his eyes closed, the breeze gently blowing his hair all around. There was an odd sort of peace on his face as he let the sun's rays wash over him that made Ronon a little uneasy.
Ronon went out and leaned on his forearms on the railing. Daniel took a deep breath and exhaled slowly before opening his eyes. His voice was confident and strong as he began to speak, "His name was Jack. And I loved him. He never knew how I felt because I never told him. And now it's too late."
He turned to look directly at Ronon before continuing, "I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow or the day after or the day after that. But I do know I don't want to make the same mistake twice. I need you. I love you. And no matter what happens to me or to you, or Atlantis, I want you to know that."
Ronon smiled a shy, almost bashful smile and he reached over and pulled Daniel into a tight embrace. He rubbed his cheek against Daniel's hair and whispered hoarsely, "Nobody can tell the future. All we can do is grab a hold of something we love and not let go. And in case you haven't noticed, I ain't letting go."
---
the end.