Burned Bridges
Holding a piece of brown cloth, Marian was pacing up and down the length of her bed. She could not rest with it in her chamber. What to do with it, was troubling her. It was one of very fine quality. Probably the best. Sir Guy had sent it. That was the downside of the gift. A 'gift', she shook her head.
The note, in the package, mentioned that she could used it to make something beautiful to wear at the feast, the following week. How that man was expecting that his gifts would make any difference to her, she had no idea.
Four years and yet, she could not find an effective way to keep him in distance. Guy thought that she was already too distant but Marian felt like she was suffocating even by being in the same room with him for more than five minutes. 'One day, hopefully, he will lose interest'. That was her consolation. It seemed rather unlikely but she would hold on to that glimmer of hope.
Robin had climbed up her window a few minutes ago and now he was watching her. He had been trying, all day, to meet with her.
Guy's visit stopped his plans in the morning and when he returned in the afternoon to check, she was gone only to return right before Robin had come back, for the third time, in the evening. That puzzled him. Where could she had been at that late hour and for so long? Maybe he should ask that too. On seconds thoughts, though, maybe he shouldn't. They already had many issues. Adding more to the list was unwise.
Another glance at the fabric and Marian threw it away. 'Why hadn't he given it to me this morning when he came?' she wondered frustrated. She was suffering from a headache all day and the 'surprise' that was waiting for her when she entered the Hall, just made matters worse. She lied down on her bed, rubbing her fingertips against her forehead when his soft voice made her open her eyes.
"Not a smart choice for your colors. Damask would be better. Your admirer doesn't seem to have a good taste. Except for his admiration of you, of course" he winked at her. The plan, to play safe, was ruined but he could not let the opportunity of commenting on Guy's offered 'friendship', to pass by. So, he improvised.
"I really cannot make up my mind whether I am more annoyed with the way you appear in front of me or with the fact that you come here in the first place". She put the fabric in the chest by the bed, after casting him a disapproving look. His visit was the last thing she needed, that night.
The way he was making her feel, was the most unsettling thing but letting him know that he was affecting her, would be equal of admitting that she had feelings for him.
He chuckled and walked in the room, completely ignoring her tone. It wasn't the first time, he thought. "I am quite certain that you are mad with the fact that I caught you with this… gift in your hands". Robin took the cloth out of the chest and ran it through his fingers.
"As I said, poor choice as far as the color is concerned but good quality. You could make a lovely scarf" he grinned at her and then added more bitterly. "You'll need one for the times you'll be visiting your good friend, Sir Guy, to give him the pleasure of your company!".
He still hadn't let go of that night. In such short time, he was defeated twice. By the Sheriff and by Marian. Sheriff, he could handle but Marian's actions left him deeply wounded.
Marian was losing patience and she had little of it, since she had received the 'damned' gift. "What exactly do you want Robin?" she tried to take the fabric back but he kept it high, out of her reach. She wanted for this day to be over but apparently Robin had other plans.
He gave no answer, just staring at her. It was obvious that she wasn't the same woman he had left five years ago but could the alteration be so dramatic? Or did he have a wrong impression of her all that time? he thought and put the cloth back to its place.
Her eyes had never looked at him with such coldness, before. There were occasions that she had 'fire' in her look and he used to tease her for that. "How can your icy-blue eyes be so fervid?".
Suddenly he felt a chill on his back. It was the end of summer but it felt like he was in the dead of winter. "I was just looking for an old friend but it seems that she is not here anymore" his voice broke.
"Are you implying that I am not the same person you knew?" she wouldn't put up with his stupid remarks.
"Why are you doing this? Why do you play along with this game? You give away smiles and allow him to be around you, hovering. This way, he will always be asking for more! Are you so silly not to see it?" he was mad and he didn't bother to hide it despite the fact that he knew he would trigger her anger.
"Your question is translated into this; Why do you let them believe that you are on their side and by that, giving your father and yourself a chance to live? Why do you keep fighting for the respect that your family once had? Why don't you just hand them the blade with which they can kill you, after you send them to hell?" she took a deep breath to becalm.
Robin bit his lip. That was nothing like what he wanted to say. "Is that what you think that I mean? You believe that I would prefer it if you were in trouble?" he demanded in high voice. "No. I suppose not" her respond was as faint as she was feeling at the moment.
"You may think that I settle, without complains, for the empty life that others want me to live but I don't. I am doing the best I can with what I have and I hope for a better future" "You have never been weak. Fight. Don't be a spectator to what is happening"
The Nightwatchman was her secret, lonely life but Robin didn't know. "I cannot have it both ways, Robin. I can not save my life and openly set myself against their status quo. No one can"
'Is she really saying that to me?' he wondered. "Marian, do you think it's easy for me to do what I do?" "I don't know. I only know what I can do" "And what is that? Nodding yes to words and actions that you disagree with?"
"It is only you who fantasizes a life in which you can run away and expect to find everything, upon your return, to be as you left them" "I wasn't expecting for things to be as I left them but please, forgive me for being maddened and hurt with what I found. People suffering and injustice seemed to be extremely good reasons to be upset" he raised his voice and she put a finger on his lips to quiet him.
She didn't want her father to wake up and find out that she was till awake and with an outlaw in her room, in the middle of the night. Robin took the chance and held her hand in both his, tightly.
"There was a time when the two of us could understand each other" Robin said. "Don't tell me that there is nothing left from those days" he added with hope in his low voice. "You've said those lines before" Marian tried to free her hand. She knew herself well enough to be afraid of that intimacy. 'No feelings' her mind reminded her.
"And you gave me a very evasive answer. Can I hope for something more honest now?" his blue eyes were bright now and she couldn't turn away her own gaze. He could feel her uneasiness as if it was his own. Or was it his own? For years the feelings, the thoughts of the one were, also, the feelings and the thoughts of the other. If that old habit could come back to life, couldn't the rest too?
She wanted so badly to fall in his arms and surrender to anything he had in mind but the truth was that she couldn't.
"You want honesty and truth? Well, open your ears and listen. I am not going to let anyone criticize my life and certainly not someone who just walked in the reality that I have been living in, for four years" "I didn't come here to criticize you. I came here to understand you. I think I have this right" he spoke and he knew, the second he uttered it, that he had used the wrong word.
"Right!" she yelled. "The rights you are referring to, are long lost to you. You gave up on them" "You decided that, not me" he said, still holding her hand. Her silence was meant to discourage him but he insisted.
"I am here now and I am asking you a question. Are all bridges burned?" "You may be here but in our minds, we are far away from each other" "Our minds... What about our hearts?"
"I don't trust mine anymore. I suggest you do the same" she lied for the one thing she shouldn't and to the one she wasn't supposed to but what could she do? The world wasn't the one they knew when listening to their hearts was the only way.
"My heart never lied to me" "If your heart led you here, tonight, then it has" she lied again. It was for the better if they would stop pursuing elusive dreams.
"All bridges are burned" he said but he knew she was lying. And he knew the reason. He had the ascertainment of what he feared for five years. That maybe he would be too late. Not because she had changed but because everything else had.
He wiped a tear on her face. "We burned them, one by one" they both said and Robin turned to leave but he hesitated.
"You and I, WE can rebuild them, can't we?" he asked when their eyes met again. He wouldn't give up. He was known for his persistence.
"Time will tell" she answered and hid her eyes from him. She wanted those tears to fall on her face because she hoped that they would be the last.