Author's Note: Ok. This story has been lingering in here for just too long and decided it was time to put and end to the trilogy of Joker's Birthday Party. Note that I rearrange the chapters into VIGNETTES in order they should be read so people can enjoy the complete thing instead of trying to fish the pieces themselves. Hope you like the way I decided to end this triptic, I tried to have the well known humor with suspense and some drama. After all this is Joker's mind, where drama, fun and chaos mean all the same thing. Anyways. This closes the chapter on this story, but I loved writing from Joker's POV. It allows for a certain freedom that I can describe only as fun. I have more ideas for stories in the pot, but first would like for you to let me know what you think. If you really want more, you can just leave me a note. I will try to obligue as soon as time permits.
And just taking a second to thank you fans of this story for your patience and your support. Without you, I would not be here writing. You all inspire me to go on. THANKS A MILLION for your loyalty to this little plot bunny from my crazy mind...(*smile*)
Well, enough of my babbling but first a reference to the previous chapters in this storyline
READ VIGNETTE 1: A SPARK OF GENIUS
READ VIGNETTE 2: MY MUSE HAS A TWISTED SENSE OF HUMOR
Disclaimer 1. Batman and related characters belong to DC COMIC. I make no profit of this, my aim is only to entertain. This story has not being BETA'D, so if you would like to help, you can let me know where my grammar has faltered. I really tried to do this all on my own and I'm far from perfect. Again, thanks to all of you for your support.
VIGNETTE 3: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!
This was not funny anymore.
I looked at my watch and frowned. Seven minutes past one and Harley was nowhere to be found. I hate it when people are late for my parties because then they make my performance look so…improvised. Do you have any idea how much time and effort I put into this glorious plan? A lot. Not everything is laughs and murder with me, guys. I'm a man of details and my performance's success depends on everybody playing their part fully and on time. And in case you didn't know, even chaos needs to be delivered in time. The timing of the punch line has to be just perfect or the joke loses its flavor. Become…unfunny. And let me tell you, this Joker (pointing to self)… is anything but unfunny.
Oh, and let this be a warning to you… never be late to my parties. Yes, you the little maggot that had followed me everywhere since I left the Asylum like a fly follows after a rotting corpse. If you're gonna hang out with me you should be quick on your feet and follow me at my speed. And above all, follow my rules...no follow my chaos. Yes, there are no rules. It's what makes me special and what will keep you alive. This is the culmination of weeks of meticulous planning and I've kept you breathing so you can witness history in the making.
I looked at the watch again. Eight minutes past. Come on Harley…where's the Bat? She's not even responding to my text messages. I sent her to do one simple task: lead the ugly Bat to my little birthday party and she takes her precious time. Not that I needed much to get Bat-Boob's attention, but I just needed to make sure he would arrive hre on my cue, not his. It's a matter of timing again, but could she even do that? Apparently not because she's late.
The three murders with the Three Stooges motif had been glorious, the large bomb at the museum's Comedy Centennial exhibition had been a bloody masterpiece, and getting Gordon, Lieutenant Bull's Ass, Ms. Hamilton the cute museum's curator, and the Mayor all united to celebrate my birthday here at City Hall was not the easiest thing to do. No, took a lot of planning, bribing, venom, and lead. Especially a lot of the last two and those don't come on cheap these days. The party is all set now and here we are…still waiting for Harley. (sighs) I should've known better and just have done it myself. Knowing how important this is to me and she's still late…it's frustrating. Doesn't this make you want to kill her…slowly and painfully? Of course it does.
"WHERE THE HECK IS HARLEY!" I finally yelled after looking at my watch for the third time. I had reached the limit of my patience. "Can somebody tell me please…where is my Bat? And tell me soon, before I start killing something."
My men looked at me like I'm an alien or something, but they were wise not to say anything. I don't like it when people stare at me like that…like a lunatic. You know I'm not crazy. Well, maybe I'm a little eccentric and for them that's enough to label me insane, but right now I was just having a bad moment because my guest of honor was late. Eleven minutes late according to my watch. I tried to hurry time by shaking my watch when I noticed that one of my henchmen, Terry I think his name was, looked at me strangely and without his party hat on. Now, come on people. We can't have a party if people don't wear our hats, it's just…inappropriate. Crazy! I put the watch down and smiled at Terry. Terry smiled back, nervously. My men can sometimes almost read me…it's creepy. I let out a loud guffaw, and Terry giggles. Copycat. I pulled my .38 and blew his face off. All my other men backed off. Yeah… his name WAS Terry.
"He took off his hat before we cut the cake, OK?" I said and at that moment all my men check their heads for their hats. Maybe they were not that stupid after all. "Now…is it too much to ask for a flying rodent for my birthday?"
"I would surrender now while you have time, Joker. When Batman gets here you don't stand a chance." I heard the Commissioner say and with a swift turn, a graceful and almost acrobatic gesture really, I aimed my gun at the old man and opened fire. The old coot flinched and I missed hitting a wall instead. Good for Gordy, because I didn't want him dead yet, especially when he was working as one of the four candles to my cake. One for every ten years of life and each crowned with a torch and wired to TNT inside the cake. Ahh, I love dynamite so much…The loud KABOOOM at the right moment could be as inspirational as the roaring cannons of Tchaikovsky's 1812.
"If I wanted you to say something, Gordy, I would have given you a speaking part in this show." I giggled when I noticed Gordon's forehead glistening as he started to sweat. I walked over and adjusted the party hat over his head. "Don't say another word. In case you have not noticed, you're just a cake decoration."
"You really believe you can get away with this don't you?" Gordon spat back with a frown.
I like this cop. He has cojones and that's rare because when I'm around most people lose them; but not good 'ol Gordy. I think I have toughened him up, one laugh at a time. First, it was his daughter and the bullet in the spine issue. Tried to make a point on what a single bad day could do to you, but the bat rained in my parade and saved him before I could prove my point. Still it was funny to see Gordon's face when I showed him his daughter in every bloody angle possible. I'm sure he appreciated the art of those photos.
Then it was the issue with his wife (who died because she didn't say uncle fast enough…just playing, HAHAHA!) and still, he could not pull the trigger on me. Instead he just shot me on the knee and sent me back to the Asylum. Yes, I have made him tough, and the accomplishment makes me proud. He can now take anything I throw at him, like my Bat. That's why he's the Police Commissioner of this city and one of those spare toys l like playing with when I get bored with my pet bat. It was going to be useless convince this pig that keeping silence was better for his health.
"It's my birthday. When I wanted a cake, I got a cake. When I wanted a party, I got a party and soon my pet bat will be here. He'll probably bring me a gift too."
"The only gift he'll get you will be erasing that stupid grin from your face." Lieutenant Bull's Ass shouted from his yellow candle a few feet away. I shot the hat off his head. I shook my head. No improvement there. He still looked like a sperm whale in a trench coat. I giggled. There should be a law keeping donuts away from cops…really.
"You don't have lines on this act either so shut up or next time I'll blow your head off. I'm not as fond of you as I am of Gordy."
"This is no way of celebrating a birthday," Gordon said, cleverly trying to get my attention away from the big hulky detective beside him. I let him get away with it this time; after all, he was definitely more fun to talk to than the sperm whale.
"You celebrate your birthday your way, I celebrate mine my way and I happen to like celebrating birthdays by making cities burn to the ground. Chaos in this city has a name….and Joker's the name of the game. Live short and die painfully…with a wide smile on your face. That's my motto." I bowed and bust into a hysterical laughter but Gordon did not laugh with me and my men were merely half smiling. What was wrong with these people? It was witty…it was hilarious. These pigs have no sense of humor, I swear. They must be related to the man in the Bat suit.
"He knows this is a trap," Gordon said.
"And who said this is a trap? It's just a birthday…MY BIRTHDAY! And I just want him to blow up the candles for me, that's all. You don't turn forty every day…or is it fifty? Four candles…has to be forty." I laugh again this time at myself. I have tried to live so many lives before, being so many people, that I'm not even sure how old I am. Forty sounds like young but experienced…fifty feels just like I have a social security check waiting for me on the mail and I don't look that old, do I? Nah!
"You don't even know how old you are?" The beautiful museum curator asked from under her little pink candle.
Under other circumstances even I would have fallen for that ash blond hair, fair skin, and bright blue eyes just like I like them, but I'm a busy man. A workaholic on the first degree, I don't have much time to keep up a romantic relationship. I hope that answers any questions about Harley you might still have after what you saw happened in my hideout. Luckily my work causes me joy (rare in a society so fake and disturbingly insane like this), and there is nothing that causes me more joy than chaos. It makes up for the lonely nights, especially those in solitary confinement. Still, I could not ignore such a gorgeous beast….it would be just rude. I walked over to her and gave her my most charming smile.
"And you want to know my age because…?" I giggled, really amused at her naiveté. "You want a piece of this clown, don't you sweetie?"
"No…that's not what I meant." Now I was laughing when I saw her face go through all the shades of red imaginable. "It means that you don't seem to…you sound confused."
"I'm not confused, I'm annoyed and you're missing the point here, love. It really doesn't matter how old I am, because my age is not the issue. It's the party. A party is a party and parties are so much fun especially when people die. (I sighed deeply) I always wanted to have a lot of people die on my birthday."
"You…are crazy." The curator said while giving me the Terry look (but she kept her party hat on, lucky her).
"Now, YOU are confused. I'm not crazy…just eccentric. An expected misconception since you can't understand genius like mine. Expected…you're blonde." That last sentence made her frown. "Just enjoy the party, OK sweetheart?"
As I finished talking, I heard this crashing noise from above and suddenly there was glass raining on my parade, literally. While I ran for cover from the downpour of shards, I saw Harley storming through the broken windows of the mezzanine on her oversized Pogo stick. After hitting the rail of the mezzanine, she came down and bounced ten feet from me and then above my head. FINALLY!
"Hi ya Puddin'!" She screamed jumping over my head again and landing on the hors d'oeuvre's table making a mess of appetizers on the floor. Damn! I hope she knows how to drive that thing. "Brought you a present. Can you guess what?"
"You're late, you know that? VERY LATE!" I said showing her my pocket watch as she bounced by.
"Sorry, Mr. J, but your gift was hard to wrap."
Now a funny thought came to me…how do you put a bow on the Bat? Very carefully I guess. I started laughing when the east wall of the Council meeting room came crashing down and the impressive Batmobile made its entrance. Then the car stopped, low to the ground and covered with a carapace made of a few hundred pounds of non reflective black metal. The engine growled softly like a wild beast on the prowl and with those oversized all terrain wheels on it looked like a hybrid between a John Deer tractor and a turtle. It was cute, a miniature tank staring me down like a bull at the Plaza during San Fermin's. Two of the front metal plaques popped open and twin small Gaitlin-type machine guns quickly aimed their barrels at me. Nice diversion Bats…and I'm really flattered you went through all this trouble, but I know you're not in your little toy car and I know you can hear me.
"I wouldn't open fire now, Batsy. The cake is filled with a few thousand pounds of TNT and unless you want to see the Commissioner in several places at once…you should take your toy tank out of here and just show yourself…from where ever you are."
Nothing happened for a few moments when, from behind the bat-turtle, one smaller dark red motorcycle appeared with the little Robin at his helm. Cute, but sending children to the front as cannon fodder? Batboob is usually not that desperate to see his kids die, so he must be up to something. I think fast and the memory of my dream with the thousand Robins over my crops of lollipops and my heart skipped a beat. No, this bird was not going to ruin my party. I know it's not Robin season, but …
"You're surrounded, Joker. Surrender." The little kid said and I smiled. He looked brave and intelligent, but dealing with him was a waste of my time. This was all a plan of the Bat to distract me and I was not going to go for that.
"I thought it was clear in the invitation, Birdboy. No one under eighteen allowed," I said with a frown. Dr. Arkham always said I should take a hobby. Well, here is my hobby…I collect dead Robins. I turned to my henchmen. "What am I paying you for….kill the little pest!"
A rain of bullets added to the celebration. It was like having my very own indoor fireworks, but then I remembered the cake and decided it was better to get away from this very volatile fondant creation so I moved towards a large table at the end of the room. Far enough for any personal harm and still able to keep my first row view of the action. Harley was already cowering behind it and when she saw me, she ran to my feet and attached herself to my leg like a leech. YUCK! I pushed her off me before she could wrinkle my expensive tux and just leaned on the table to enjoy the show. Harley just covered her ears and curled into a shivering ball beside me.
Then I saw the Big Bad Bat jump from who knows where on the ceiling and land on the top of my birthday cake, making a mess of all my expensive icing as he tried to get to his friends. I thought of just blowing up the entire thing and say bye bye to the Bat and pre-pubescent pest, but where was the fun on that, right? So I pulled a little remote from my jacket and as I pushed one of the two red buttons on top, a very hot blue flame flickered dangerously from the top of each candle. I love propane welding torches, don't you? A thousand degrees of bright fun heat. It can go through anything, including police armor, I've found out. Anyways, the bat jumped off the cake startled by the flames and the wax candles started to melt. And you know where that leads to… scorched meat. What can I say? I like my pigs well done.
"You think it was going to be that easy, eh Bats? You'll have to play a little with me first." He just ignored me and went to try to undo Commissioner Gordon's ties. I was furious. How dare he ignore me…especially on my birthday?"OK, let me say this in plain English…don't play and they all go KABOOMMM along with City Hall! Those are not just candles, sweetheart."
Batsy stopped what he was doing and turned to me, the eyes behind that stupid mask of his glared with the fury of seven hells as I felt his anger building up. Being not too good on the anger management department, I could see he was not happy and that was music to my ears. This Bat is so easy to annoy sometimes…and that is hilarious.
"You wanted me here Joker…let them go."
"Make me," I tease him and made a very loud raspberry. I knew this is what he wanted. All those other losers like Nigma, Fries or Cobblepot have no style. None of them can get on his nerves like I do. To be on the edge of sanity and chaos is what hasalways kept this Bat alive. That's why he loved confronting me. I was his biggest foe, the only one at his level and he knew it. He jumped off the cake and stood there, like a statue, glaring at me.
"Let them go." The Bat barked.
It seemed vocabulary was going to be very limited today, since not even ten minutes into the rescue, the Bat was already repeating himself. No. Talking is not the Bat's forte. I smiled wide and giggled uncontrollably. Ok kid. You were here to see a professional at work so watch carefully. You don't get to see this masterful scenario often and you might learn a thing or two from me before I kill you and your curious friends in the audience.
"What, the Big Bad Bat doesn't wanna play?" I said mockingly.
"This is not a game, Joker."
"You're right…it's my birthday and you get to blow the candles of my little cake. Forty years, four candles, four hostages. You just need to extinguish the candles and sing happy birthday to me and they are free to go. I promise no games."
Bats gave me that angry look. "With you it's never that easy. There's always…a punch line"
"Am I becoming that predictable in my old age?" I said between giggles. He remembered that being unpredictable, irrational and dangerous is my trademark. I'm touched. "You're right…the torches need to be blown off in a certain order or they will trigger the charges inside the cake and we will all go to hell. You love it when we play games like this, don't you?"
"No." He said emphatically.
It should scare me, but I have no fear. This is all a front. I know he likes the game and like I said, talking has never been the Bat's forte. Remember my dream earlier this week about the Bats on the crops?
"Oh come on. Just a little game. Think of it as hitting the colorful piñata or putting the tail on the donkey. It's fun."
"Not when people die in your games."
"People only die when I want them to die and since it is my birthday, I'm on a happy mood. Guess what, I'm gonna let you decide if they die or not. Deal?" I looked from my hiding place and noticed Birdboy had already dispatched all my men that lay unconscious on the floor. Useless pieces of shit. They're not getting paid for this gig. Heck, they would be lucky if I don't kill them all today after the party. They embarrassed me. Then the kid started to approach me menacingly.
"Don't even think about it birdbrain," I warned as I got ready to pull my gun.
"Robin stay put, he's probably carrying a remote detonator."
The kid stops and I smile wide. This Bat really had me down to a science and that dedication requires a reward. I'll let his bird live for now.
"I do…just for emergencies, but they will also detonate if you don't blow the candles or let them burn down to the core…pig meat and all. Come on, make a wish and blow the damn candles. It is not that hard, really," I said mimicking someone blowing candles on a cake. I didn't know if he knew how to do it so I thought a crash course wouldn't hurt. "And don't forget to sing happy birthday to me."
Batman turned to the cake and examined it closely. Three tiers for a total of twenty five feet of cake, four candles at the base and on top, a colorful Jack-in-the-box in the colors of the city's baseball team (for those of you who thought that I didn't care about sports, know that I'm a big fan of the Knights. They know how to put a good show. They made it to the Play-offs this season, didn't they?) There was also close to a thousand pounds of explosives tightly packed inside the cake and this lavender fondant icing was not exactly fire proof. If he failed and his friends were to die, I doubt he could live with the thought that it was all his fault.
This Bat has this very strict (but misplaced) sense of duty and failure is not an option. I personally have been trying to get him out of this stupid behavior and teach him the value of chaos, but he doesn't get it. I'm sure he still feels responsible after I killed his first bird in Ethiopia so many years ago: the crowning of my illustrious criminal career and if you ask anybody else, the greatest service done to humanity since The Flood. The kid was annoying as hell and needed to go. Take it from me. I know my birds.
You making a note of that, right? I hurt the bat deep, the bat falls and the world goes to chaos. No…take that back. World is already in chaos. Yes, total chaos and this stupid rodent is breaking the order of things or the lack thereof so he needs to be shown a lesson and I will continue teaching him the lesson until he gets it right. Maybe one day he will try to kill me and then his entire world will end in total chaos because he would have fallen to my level. Now wouldn't that be the perfect birthday gift? I could only wish.
"Batman, forget about us. He needs to be stopped."
"Oh, shut up Gordy. That's the dumbest idea in the whole world. He has to save you…since he could not help Jason. His name was Jason, right Bats?" It's a little joke between us and the mention of that name makes the bat turn angrily to me. I think I played a chord somewhere…a B-flat maybe? B as in Bat, get it? I giggled. Sometimes I even crack myself.
"ENOUGH!" Batsy growled.
No, he had not absolved me of that crime. As if I really cared. Life is just meaningless unless you have something to hate and I love to be the focus of his. That means I give meaning to his life the same way he gives meaning to mine. God, it feels good to see that he really cares for me. Sometimes I think I should be harder on him, then he will know how much he means to me and no…I'm not talking sentimentally, you moron. This relationship the Bat and I have has transcended the realms of the physical. I'm not explaining you the details because your limited intellect would never grasp the concept. Just know that we are meant for each other and against each other…forever.
"I don't hear you singing, Batsy," I sing from behind the table.
"I can take the clown down right now, Batman." Robin said menacingly, pounding his fists together like a pro boxer and I just looked at him with this face of 'you and what army, boy?' This kid was making points for me to re-enact the Robincide from Ethiopia on him. Nah! Maybe for my next birthday.
"Stay put," that's all the Bat said, still examining the cake from up close. Like I said before, the man in not a conversationalist and I can't stand doing all the talking either. So I jumped from behind the table and walked a few paces towards Batsy and the cake, making sure I still had enough space between him, me, and the cake.
"Come on Bats…just sing it once," I pleaded playfully when the Bat pulled a batarang from his utility belt and threw it at the candle with the museum curator underneath. Hitting the nozzle of the candle he puts out the flame and just waits….and waits, but nothing happens. Clever Bat, he deduced my first candle. Let's see if you can figure candle number two.
"No, really Bats. It's just a harmless birthday party." I say trying to sound as sincere as I could. "Just once, please?"
"There is nothing harmless about you, Joker," the Bat said standing between the sperm whale and the Mayor. Tough decision eh Bats?
"But I always do things for you, and you never do anything for me. It's my birthday. The only thing I want is to hear you sing the Happy Birthday song and have you blow the candles."
The Bat pulled a second batarang from his belt and blew off of the nozzle on Bull's Ass candle. No explosion yet. Two out of two, congrats Batsy, but I left the best for last.
"The clown is out of his mind, can somebody just sing the damn song before the maniac blows us to bits?" The blonde curator screams from her candle. I really don't know why Ms. Hamilton's worrying so much since her candle is not burning any more, but she seems more confused than before. Need to clear things up, especially that part of calling me names. Me…a maniac…
"You miss the point again, dear. It's not the song, but who sings it. You don't want to hear O Sole Mio if it's not Pavarotti or the Chipmunk song if it's not Alvin, right? I want Batman to sing me the Happy Birthday. I will let you all go after he does that, and you stop calling people names."
The Bat turned his gaze between the two candles left and back to me. He's really having a difficult time figuring who to save next and with good reason. The candle's pattern was so complex I don't think even Nigma could have solved it in time. A never ending equation, a paradox with no solution. What the Bat did next though, really took me by surprise.
"Happy Birthday to you," the Bat mumbled but still loud enough for me to hear it. My eyes watered and I bit my lower lip. I could not believe it. He was singing me the Happy Birthday song, but he was just taking his god damned time with it.
"Go ahead, Batsy," I urged.
"Batman?" Birdboy said looking incredulously at his master. Don't hate now boy, he is singing to me. Probably he had never celebrated your birthday, has he kid? Why would he, anyways?
I heard the Bat sigh as he took one last look at the candles before facing me. The wax had started to reach Gordon and the Mayor burning through their clothes. "…Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday…Joker. Happy Birthday to you."
As emotions run amok inside me, I covered my mouth with my hand in pure awe. One lonely tear ran along my cheek. That had been just…beautiful. Who would have thought the Bat would be such the baritone? For a brief moment my mind went on overdrive imagining that magnificent voice with the right ambiance. People screaming, loud explosions, raging fires and my Bat singing. Then at the grand finale, everything would go to a deep bloody shade of red. It would be like being at the opera and I could tell that the Bat tasted the sourness of every word that came from his mouth, which made me enjoy the moment even more. I didn't think I would get anything better from this rodent so I did the unthinkable. I pulled my remote control again and pushed the other red button on top, shutting off the two remaining candles.
I applauded, wiped my lonely tear and sighed. "See? It was not that hard, was it?"
"Your puzzle didn't have a solution. Any choice I would have made at the end would've killed the hostages."
"Yes, I designed it that way and nobody died. And you have a beautiful voice. Can you sing just once more…please?"
"Joker, let them go." He was not asking. Rude rodent.
"OK, OK. They're all yours. You can untie yourself, I left my utility knife at home." I said jokingly. What was he waiting for…for me to work on my birthday? I saw him pull another of his batarangs, this one slightly smaller and with very sharp edges at the tips of the wings. He walked over to the Commissioner's candle and cut the rope keeping him in place. Gordon's jacket was singed on the left shoulder where some hot wax has dripped form the burner and went through the fabric. Ouch…that's going to be painful in the morning. He then released the Mayor. In the meantime I signaled Harley to get her ass up and out of here. We were all but about done for the day. As I started to leave I heard the hot curator screaming from her candle.
"Is that it? He almost kills us and you let him get away?" Batman started undoing her ties. I turn around and glare at her. How dare she talk like that about me? Oh, I know…isn't that obvious? She's obsessed with me and she can't stand see me part away.
"You definitely don't understand genius, dear. I pity you." I rebuked throwing her a kiss as I started to walk again towards the exit.
"Stop right there, Joker." Batman said walking towards me as he left Robin to help everybody off the cake. I turned around and faced him. A broad smile parted my face. This night was so not over, eh chum?
"Yes, Batsy?" I asked innocently
"You're returning to Arkham."
"Really? Even on my birthday?" I tried to sound as innocent as I could.
"Yes."
"But it's baseball night. The boys and I had plans," I said pointing at the still unconscious bunch of fools on the floor. They were so dead after tonight. I pulled a baseball cap from my pocket "Well, Harley and I wanted to watch the Knights game and-."
"It's over." He said grabbing me forcefully by the lapel of my tux. I'm gonna have to pass him the dry cleaner's bill after tonight. "Don't fight."
"I'm not a fighter, but a lover you know that." The Bat just looks at me strangely. I give him a malicious stare. "And you could not hold yourself, could you? All this macho front never convinced anybody Bats."
"What-?" That's all I let him say before I lunged at him and while holding tight to his cape, gave him a wet smooch right on his lips. He didn't have time to act. I was too quick since I'd earned my PhD in smooching from Carlitos at the Asylum, but contrary to my rookie, this Bat took longer to react appropriately as I forced myself deep into his mouth. He was really enjoying this. Then the wall of fist hit me and I flew through the air to smash into the table I had used to hide behind not too long ago. Wood splintered under my weight as I hit the ground. Batman…you never disappoint me. Not even on my birthday, I thought busting through a hysterical laughter as I sat on the floor, tasting the coppery taste of blood from my busted lip. No, he had never disappointed me.
"You have eleven counts of murder you need to respond to, Joker," Gordy said while Robin took a look at the thermal injuries on his shoulder. Those were really going to take some times to heal. The Bat cleaned his mouth with his gauntlet. I laughed again, even harder. "This game is over."
"Oh, Gordy, Gordy…Gordy. The game is only over after the last out." I said between giggles as a rumble shook the entire City Hall. It was like an earthquake, and everybody remembered what the last one did to this city. Ah, the sweet smell of fear…like 'smores. That makes me hungry. "And I think this changes the score…dramatically."
"What did you do?" Batman growled at me. I could not contain myself. I busted in laughter again. How could he have missed the obvious?
"Batman, look." The Boy Blunder said pointing to the window where at a reddish orange cloud expanded in the distance right in the heart of downtown. Everybody stared in awe at the scene before them. Me? I'm more pragmatic. I just enjoyed the colors and laughed. Ah, the creative power of dynamite. The roar of the crowd brought to an abrupt end by the deafening KABOOM of my salute to the Gotham Knights. And you say I am not a fan...
"What was that Joker?" Gordon inquired, noticing the sudden lack of communication skills from the Bat that just stood there glaring silently at me. I had to use all my strength to get up from the floor where my blood had splattered. I felt the world around me started to spin slightly to the right. Interesting feeling…like being drunk.
"If I'm not mistaken, that was the Gotham Stadium and first home run of the night, hopefully from out team. This city gives me the best birthday gift ever by gathering the masses in a place where they will be the easiest and most vulnerable target. Where is everybody tonight, Bats?"
"OH MY GOD THE PLAY-OFFS!" My beautiful museum curator screamed while covering her mouth with dread. "The Knights were playing against the Toronto Blue Jays!"
I could not hold my enthusiasm and applauded effusively at the limited intellect of my blonde. Incredibly, she had nailed what others had missed. Maybe blondes are not that stupid after all and Harley is an exception rather than the rule.
"And you thought I would waste my time with four lonely hostages when there is a whole city screaming to celebrate with me…WHAT A JOKE BATS!" I was about to start laughing again. "It was destined to be a memorable birthday. You don't turn forty every day so why not in the middle of the play-off season… right? You could say I hit the ball out of the park…very loudly."
All I saw then was a black blur heading my way. I yelled: "BATTY MAN, BATTY MAN!" and tried to run away, but unfortunately I was not fast enough. The big beast jumped on me like a rabid dog and knocked my head against the marble floor. I was in a daze seeing black bombs floating in front of my eyes that I was desperately to reach, and he then flipped me over. Now I would feel the wrath of his fists pounding on me like a demolition derby with me I'm on the losing team. The chief police Detective and the Commissioner were both standing there and nobody moved a finger to protect me from this crazy monster. So much for justice. The SERVE and PROTECT goes down the drain here in Gotham and I find that well, just…hilarious.
The Bat brutalized me, and that well…that was a riot. I had pushed the Bat beyond his moral constraints and I thought that was the funniest thing, so I laughed my head off…or maybe someone else was laughing. I didn't know anymore, not much made sense anymore and really, I couldn't care less. I had the last laugh. I remembered wishing for my Bat to fall into chaos for my birthday…well, maybe I'll get my wish tonight. How far you think he' go? Only one way to know: Push his buttons hard enough and often enough and see where that gets you.I kept on my baseball jokes. Who's on first, Bats? Oh that's right, there's no first base anymore…I tried to block the blows from the angry Bat, but soon I grew exhausted and the world around me turned a dark shade of black.
Epilogue
I opened an eye and look around me. That is all I could do since I think my other eye was still too swollen to do anything with it. I know this place. The smell of alcohol was strong in the air as was the smell of bacon. Yep. This smelled like home. I'm back in Arkham. Well, the ICU at the Arkham hospital to be precise. There are some places you'd never forget and I've been here often enough to definitely recognize where I was. The giveaways were the two yellow bags pumping fluids into me and the countless monitors checking my functions. Their monotonous beeping has become a familiar sound by now.
Then the memory of what happened started coming slowly…and painfully.
The Bat didn't have the guts to finish the job, eh? What a disappointment. Expected more of the Detective after all I had him go through, including the last punch line. I will have to make the next lesson even harder to miss. Maybe then it will get through his thick skull. I tried to get up my bed but I could only wince in pain. Every inch of muscle in my body felt like it had been being tenderized for the grill then extruded through a meat grinder. Yeah, I'm in pain but that was OK. I got Batsy to sing happy birthday to me and give me a big wet kiss for the celebration. I had become this year's MVP and it was ALL WORTH IT. I move slightly on the bed searching for a comfortable position (which is not easy when even your hair hurts) and I felt the shackles around my wrists and ankles. I was not going anywhere…at least for a while. Beside me, a hulky figure appears into my visual field. Mr. PIMA himself.
"I hope it hurts real bad, Clown." he whispers close to my ear. "You took down a few hundred innocent people at the stadium and I have not forgotten the two men you killed when you escaped."
"I'll try to take more next time around, Rudy. Just for you." I tried to smile but the swelling in my face was making it really hard.
"Asshole!"
"Oh, that's sweet. I love you too." PIMA grumbled something unintelligible and walked away to his post by the wall. I threw him a silent kiss. I felt generous tonight, after all…it was still my birthday.
"Thanks for making me feel at home, Rudy." PIMA just looked away and I giggled. God, even doing that hurts.
Yes, it was good to be home. Now to start planning for my next grand scheme and I have just been inspired. I just need another electroshock sessio to tune up the details.
THE JOKER'S LAIR, my personal Joker-centric site has been updated. This is what you will find new on the site:
The JOKER CHRONOLOGY IN COMICS has been updated once more. Yes, it now will include the NEW 52 line as well as multiple other new comics added.
There is a preview for the NEW 52 DETECTIVE COMICS #1 including a sneak peek to that terrifying last page that has everybody waiting for the next issue.
PREVIEWS CATALOG NOVEMBER SOLICITATIONS for Joker marchandise is UP
New art has been added to JIM LEE GALLERY and TOLUENESISTER GALLERY
ARKHAM CITYPreviews Garlore!
*PLAYSTATION MAGAZINE: "Secrets of Arkham CIty"
*XBOX MAGAZINE : "Hands on Batman Arkham City"
*EDGE MAGAZINE: "Arkham City Preview"
*PLAY MAGAZINE: "Arkham City Hands On and Interviews"
*SNEAK PEEK VIDEO to PENGUIN, Mr. FREEZE and CATWOMAN (unedited)
*BATMAN JOKER CO-OP: Are they Messing with My Mind?