A/N: I've been so busy lately filling my hard drive with fluff I'm not sure where this angsty little number came from, but I hope you like it. It's my first attempt at Office angst, so any feedback would be GREATLY appreciated.
To set the scene a little, Jim finally popped the question and Pam just got back from New York... the rest you'll pick up as you go...
History
f.f. lindy
He picked up a bottle of wine on the way home from work. The idea of going home to her made him giddy. Three months of spending eight hours at the office without her, only to go back to a quiet empty condo made Jim really appreciate the idea of his fiancé waiting for him at home. Her car in the driveway put a smile on his face and he debated what silly cliché he would try to pull off as he walked in the door. He grabbed his briefcase and the bottle of wine and hopped up all three stairs to the entryway in one bound. He flung the door open, "What's cooking, good—" he stopped when he realized she wasn't in the kitchen starting dinner as he had expected. She was curled up on the couch, her face red and stained with tears. Her eyes opened wide like those of a child who had just broken an heirloom before she wiped them and tried to save face. "Pam? What's wrong?" He was by her side on the couch instantly.
"Nothing," she shook her head as if to clear the sadness out, and forced a smile on her face.
"Somehow I'm not buying it, Pam. What's going on?"
"It is our first real day of living together, and we don't need to ruin it," she said matter-of-factly. "Let's just have a great evening." She started to get up off the couch with her face still looking damaged.
"Hey," he said, tugging on her hand to pull her back next to him. "We can play house any night. Will you tell me what's wrong?"
She looked up at him with doe eyes and took a deep but ragged breath, her stomach still spamming from crying. "I don't know."
"You don't know what's wrong?"
"I don't know if I can tell you."
Jim's lower lip stretched to cover his top and he bobbed his head. "Okay." He leaned back into the couch. She was still sitting on the very edge, like she was ready to jump up and run away at any moment. He tried his best to put her at ease. "Work was good."
"Yeah? Did anything exciting happen?" she asked, sounding unintentionally pathetic.
"I'm pretty sure Andy was hitting on Oscar."
"What?"
"I think the whole thing with Angela made him reconsider women all together."
"No way." For a moment she looked like herself again.
"It was pretty awkward all day. I couldn't tell if that's what Andy flirting looks like, or if he is just trying to make guy friends now that he doesn't have a girl."
"That's weird."
"Yeah." Jim tapped his legs awkwardly, not knowing what to say next. "What did you do today?"
"I unpacked a few boxes, went grocery shopping."
"Oh."
"I had a doctors appointment," she blurted out.
His face went white and he sucked in a breath. He prepared himself for the worst and bobbed his head again. She was studying her hands when he looked back up at her. "I didn't know you were going to the doctor today."
"I scheduled it months ago, I forgot all about it until this morning," she said without making eye contact.
"Oh." He was chewing on his lip, still looking right at her. He reached out a hand and grabbed one of hers, putting some part of himself in her line of vision. "Whatever it is, I'm here for you, you know?"
She gave his hand a squeeze and another tear rolled down her cheek. "You know when you're young you think you're invincible, and people tell you things will be hard down the line and you just ignore them, because you know you're invincible," she almost laughed.
The ache at the pit of his stomach was growing but he put on his strongest face. She still wasn't looking at him, but he wanted to know that when she did he would look prepared for anything.
Her mouth was poised open like she was about to speak, but she took a few breaths before any sound came out. "When I was twenty-two, I got pregnant," she started, her voice trembling. "I told Roy and he was so mad." Her eyes drifted from their interlocked hands to the ceiling. "Oh he was mad. He said that we were too young, that we needed to be married before we could have kids, that we didn't have the money. He told me that he wasn't sure he could be with me if I really wanted to have the baby."
Jim's face had collapsed, every muscle in it seemed to have gone limp and he had to consciously force himself to breath.
"I was so young, and Roy was the only guy I thought could ever love me," she shrugged her shoulders, her eyes still skyward. She bit back a wave of emotion before she could continue. "I knew he wouldn't ask me to have an abortion, but I knew he would end things if I didn't." She gulped in a breath of air. "He's not a monster, Jim. I know you think he's a monster, but he's not. He never asked me to have an abortion."
She looked at him for the first time since he'd sat down, but Jim's eyes had refocused on his hand in hers and he didn't move.
"He doesn't even know, no one does. I told him I miscarried and no one else ever even knew." She pulled her hand away from his and smashed her face into both her palms. Jim forced himself out of his stupor and pulled her to him, letting her tears fall on him and holding her with all his strength. He felt a tear roll down his own face as she wept into him. "He felt so badly afterwards that he proposed. It was why he proposed to me," she sobbed.
He sat perfectly still as she got her tears under control, allowing her to wipe her eyes on the collar of his shirt. When she loosened her grasp on him he did the same and let her back away enough to support herself. She wiped her face on her hands again then rubbed them on her pants. Her eyes finally met his and he knew that she saw that he'd been crying as well. "I'm sorry," she whispered, pulling a finger under her eye carefully as if she had any makeup left to be mindful of.
He swallowed back the emotion showing on his face, cursing himself for not staying stronger.
"The doctor at the clinic where I had it done really wanted me to go in for counseling. But I knew that I would have to tell them that I'd lied to Roy, and I didn't think I could handle it. They warned me that if I didn't go talk to someone it would catch up with me later, and I would have to grieve again. I just didn't believe them. I thought I could do it all alone." He kept one hand cautiously on her back, afraid to let her sit on her own just yet, and when she let herself fall back into the couch he kept it around her, keeping her close to his side. She closed her eyes and let out half a laugh. "You're probably wondering what this has to do with anything."
"Whenever you're ready to tell me," he said softly. He leaned his body against hers slightly, trying to make as much contact as he could, as if by touching her he could somehow leech her pain away.
"I just never thought I would have to do this twice. I mean what kind of slut has to do this twice?"
"What do you mean, Pam?" He tried to put the pieces together in his grief-fogged mind. "Are you telling me that you're—" he didn't let the word slip from his mouth.
"I'm sorry," she whispered.
He pulled her tighter to him. "Don't be sorry. This is—" he took a deep breath, not wanting to say anything that might inadvertently hurt. "We better start looking for a bigger place." A befuddled smile started to form on his face. "I'm going to be a dad." Inside the words struck something, and he wanted to spring from the couch and spin her around. He wanted to scream it out the front door. He was totally terrified and it seemed to be fueling an enthusiasm in his soul. But he looked over at her, and saw that her terror was fueling something quite different. She had tears streaming down her face again and was looking straight ahead. "Hey," he said softly, "this is—" he searched silently for the word, "this is huge." He carefully pressed his lips to her forehead and held them there for a few breaths.
"Jim, I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I can have this baby," her tone was almost hysterical with sadness.
He pulled his face away from hers and looked her in the eyes. The bottom had fallen out of the joy that was just moments before bubbling up inside him.
"It would feel like playing favorites or something. Like repeating a mistake. Like what I did back then was… I'll never forgive myself."
Jim licked his lips nervously and held back the tears that hadn't yet made it to his eyes. He felt like he had been hit with a sack of bricks, and suddenly his once light limbs seemed to weigh a ton. He could feel a hole growing inside him already, like there was something he didn't even know was there until she took it away. "Please," was all he could force out before he had to close his eyes.
She broke down again and collapsed into him in tears. This time he didn't fight back his own emotion and let himself sob into her as she smashed her teary eyes onto his shoulder. "I don't deserve you," she wept into him.
He could hear the desperation in her tone. She sounded like a woman on the edge just praying someone would find her in time to pull her back in. He'd never heard her sound so hopeless. All of the fights with Roy, all of the soul-sucking days at the office, all of the nights she'd called from New York in tears because she missed him, and not a thing could compare to the way she spoke at that moment. Although he wanted to speak to her face he couldn't bring himself to expose his tears to her, so he held her tightly and closed his eyes for strength. "You are the best thing that has ever happened to me," he said softly. Her head began to shake in a feeble protest. "And the idea of a baby," he paused, "our baby," his tone as he corrected himself was one of awe that pulled at her heart, "makes me wonder where I went so right?" He paused again, weighing his words. He didn't want to sound greedy, but she had to know. "This is what I want."
"Jim," she sobbed, unable to say more.
"It's your decision, Pam," he began again, "and no matter what you decide I will love you, and I will be here for you. But if you think, even for a second," his tone had changed just slightly from one of total understanding, it seemed to have grown a sharper edge, "that you have to give up this baby for me, or that you have to give it up as some sort of punishment for what you did back then," he had to suck in a shallow breath to regain control, "then I am begging you to reconsider."
She pulled away to look at him, searching his bloodshot eyes for a long moment before she spoke. "How can you be so sure, Jim? How can you know that this is the right decision?"
"Because from the moment I met you I couldn't imagine my life without you; because I could not imagine having children with anyone but you; and because when life offers you everything you ever wanted you don't stop to think about the timing, or what your mother will say, you take it."
She pressed her lips against his and kissed him passionately. He could feel the sadness and worry on her lips, and he hated the way it felt, but he accepted the kiss greedily, trying to draw any ounce of strength he could from the pit of himself.
"I don't deserve you," she said again, softer than before.
"You deserve to happy, Pam," he nuzzled her. "No matter what, you deserve to be happy."
She pulled back an inch and searched his eyes, trying to let the message seep in, then she gave him a genuine, albeit tiny, smile. "Are you still in the mood to celebrate? Because I think we've got something to celebrate." Her voice tinkled quietly like that of an uncertain child.
"I think I could hunt down a bottle of sparking cider," he offered, willing himself not to let that uncontrollable joy rise inside him again. Not yet.
"Are we really going to do this?" she asked, fear overtaking her and giving her just the burst of adrenaline she needed to sit up on her own, to breath without feeling like her lungs would give up.
"I think so. And I'm scared as hell," part of a chuckle fell from his mouth, as he could no longer fight away the excitement building within him again.
"Me too," she admitted.
"Good," he said, and a smile spread across his face. He looked up from his nervous hands to see her, smiling back at him.