Today, Even if You Can't Touch the Sun, a bleach fanfic

A/N: Since I did something from Ichigo's POV, I thought it might be fun to do something from Rukia's.

Anime/manga: Bleach

Pairing: IchiRuki

Disclaimer: I own nothing

Spoilers: Just if you haven't read Bleach chapter 423

Today, Even if You Can't Touch the Sun

I wonder if he'll ever know. I doubt that he ever will, because unless he's developed some sort of mind reading power as a side-effect to all the strange things that he's been through in body, mind, and spirit, he'll never, ever know.

I'm not even sure that I quite know actually. I mean, I know some things, the definite, tangible things, but the transient and the intangible…I still don't completely understand.

And I am so, so confused.

Especially now.

I knew this was coming, and yet…

I blink, once, twice, keeping the tears that have suddenly started biting at my eyes in check. He may not be able to see me, but the rest of them still can. Ishida-kun, Sado-kun, Inoue-san…they can still see me. And so I must be strong.

I stiffen my upper lip as it starts to shake a little, mentally willing myself to be strong. I am a Kuchiki, not in blood but in bond, but that does not matter; Kuchiki are strong and proud and silent and graceful and beautiful and deadly. But right now I am not feeling much like a Kuchiki.

A small smile tugs at my lips and I let them quirk up just the slightest bit.

If anything I am feeling like a Kurosaki. An Ichigo Kurosaki to be precise.

I am feeling lost and despondent, alone and afraid, hurt and regretful.

And I don't know why, because none of this is my fault. I suppose that maybe it is in some ways, I was the one that got him involved after all, but I'm not directly responsible for this. It still doesn't stop me from feeling like crap though, from feeling so utterly empty inside which is ridiculous because it's not like he's gone or dead or comatose or any number of things. No, he's alive, alive dammit, in every sense of the word.

So then…why do I feel like he is so dead?

I suck in a deep breath and stiffen my back, throwing back my shoulders and lifting my head.

He's looking at me now, those bright amber eyes are dull and filled with sorrow and longing and hopelessness and I just want to slap him until the usual cockiness and air of utter indifference returns to him, but I can't.

I can't touch him.

My eyes widen slightly as this. Yes, I had known that I couldn't touch, couldn't feel his rough and scarred flesh beneath my own smooth fingers, but I hadn't understood,I hadn't realized until now what the meant.

I felt as if I had had a sword driven though my heart, and the pain that rose up within me was a thousand times worse than what I had felt when I had fought that Espada that had dared to disgrace Kaien's name.

I want to scream all of a sudden, I want to punch him and smack him and kick him. I want to do something to him, anything, but I know and I understand that I can't.

He is of the living and I am of the dead.

I bite my lip and strangle the cry of frustration in my throat that wants to let loose and wail.

I am a Kuchiki dammit, and Kuchiki are not weak like this. We do not cry and we do not get upset and mourn the loss of a friend, of a nakama, when they are still alive and standing mere inches in front of you.

I feel stupid, like some little lost girl. I feel like the Rukia that existed not so long ago, the Rukia that was alone and withdrawn and silent and weak. And I don't want to be her ever again. No, I can't go back to being that person.

I want to be the Rukia that I have been since I met this odd, infuriatingly frustrating boy—no, man. I want to be able to laugh; I want to be able to smile. I want to be able to get mad and yell, I want to be able to express myself and what I feel.

I am afraid that without Ichigo there, without him by my side…that I will fall and stumble and lose myself on the thorny path. I am afraid that whatever it was that changed me will pack up and leave and the rain will come back and drown me in my sorrows, plaguing me with all the what ifs and could have beens.

He lets out a long sigh and I can't help but do the same. Neither one of us has moved from that spot, although I notice that somewhere during my musings the others have left.

I can't help but feel thankful. They must have known how tough this was going to be on both of us. They must have not wanted to stay and look at two friends that were separated by something as stupid as life and death. They must have not wanted to see us looking so desperate and pained, so hurt and lost.

I finally let my lower lip quiver and my shoulders slump. There is a sharp intake of air from above me (damn, is Ichigo tall) and my head snaps up, eyes resting on his lightly-tanned face.

"Where…where do I go from here…?" he asks, barely above a whisper as if he is only speaking to himself, and he probably thinks he is because he doesn't know if I've left or not.

Fool.

I'd never leave him.

At least…not yet.

My heart constricts in my chest and my eyebrows draw together in a pained grimace.

"Where…where do I go from here…?"

I am asking myself the same thing.

Where does one go after something like this? Where does one go after meeting someone that just seems to know everything about you, someone that knows you better than you know yourself? Where do you go when you meet the person you find you care for more than you own life but are separated from for all eternity?

What do you move on to? Can you even move on? Is there a place for you somewhere still? Is there another person waiting for you with just as much compassion and understanding and stubbornness and arrogance and cockiness and awkwardness as him?

I shake my head and bite back a bitter laugh.

I don't know. I don't the answers to any of those questions. I don't know anything other than the fact that I am just so full of hurt and sorrow and regret and a whole bunch of things that I have not felt since Kaien's death that I just want to curl up and dissolve into millions of spirit particles and just cease to exist.

And I know that I won't always feel like that, that the pain will pass or least become more bearable, and that there is the off chance that Ichigo will somehow get back what was lost, what he gave up for us all, and those are the only reasons why I'm not going insane and diving into a pool of despair.

I don't know how long we've been standing there, how long I've been just looking at him while he looks at me, through me, but I feel as if I am about to break and even though he can't see me or hear or anything I still don't want to do this in front of him. It looks like he is also struggling, trying to hold in something, trying to hold back his emotions and feelings. And all of a sudden I am afraid for him.

All of a sudden all my hurt and pain and everything is pushed aside as I see what is happening to him.

No.

He can't do that.

He shouldn't do that.

He closes his eyes and sighs, lips moving silently and I get the insane urge to slap him. And even though I know that I can't, that he will never feel it, I do so anyway because I cannot stand that look on his face because that look terrifies me more than anything else and makes me so mad that I just want to scream and rant and kick him.

I raise my right hand and gather all the strength in my tiny body and slap him. Or, more rather, go straight through him. I stumble and fall forward a little, my legs and arms working crazily to keep the idiot that they belong to from falling face first on the cold, hard, concrete street below. They do their job, and I stumble a bit though Ichigo as I catch my balance. I straighten, and notice that our bodies our intersecting. And oddly enough, he seems to have nothing something amiss as well, as if his body can feel that there is a disturbance on the subatomic level.

And knowing this, seeing him react this way shoves logic and the can'ts out of my mind and I scream.

"Don't! Don't look that way!" I yell fiercely, violently, my body shaking as I raise my voice to unnaturally loud levels hoping against hope that in some way he can hear me, "Don't look like you want to die! Don't look like you want to…to forget! There is nothing worse than forgetting, than pretending that nothing happened! Don't do this to me! To yourself! Don't forget us! Don't pretend like it never happened, because it did! You were a shinigami, an idiotic shinigami with little care for our laws and tradition and you did a crappy job when it came to sending souls to the Soul Society and couldn't even preform the simplest spell, but you were a shinigami!

"That side will forever be a part of you, no matter how much it hurts and how much you wish you could still be one! It happened and it's over! And I know it hurts because I'm hurting too, but please, please don't let it ruin you! Don't…don't forget!"

My voice is quiet now and nearing sobs and I know that this speech is as much for him as it is for me.

"There is nothing worse than forgetting, than pretending it didn't happen…" I resist the urge to fall to my knees and beg because I am a Kuchiki and we don't beg, we command. "Please…don't…regret…don't forget…me…"

There are tears in my eyes now and they are stinging them and making me feel full of things that I don't want to be full and I just want to disappear and stop feeling until this is all over. I want to run away, even though I know that I can't because running away is what the old Rukia would do and I don't want to disrespect Ichigo and throw away everything he has done for my mental sanity by going back to being her.

"Rukia…"

My heart is nearly twisted out of my chest as he says my name and I squeeze my eyes shut.

I know then that I can't come back to Karakura, at least, not until I have healed, until we both have really. Because I think that even though he doesn't have any way of knowing that I am there, even though we are cut off physically, he knows that I am there. He can still feel me, just like I can feel him, deep inside my heart. I know that I can't come back until he is able to function again without me, until I can function without him. Or maybe, not until we can't function without each other, but rather, when we can function knowing that the other is there and not have such strong feelings of utter and total despair. I know that we can get there, I know that we can make it…it will just take time.

I know that I can't come back in a gigai because that will remind him of everything he has lost. I know that I can't come back in that flesh suit because he will know that it's not really me, that it is just a means of making what is intangible tangible. I know that it would hurt him more than help him, just as it would do to me.

I know that we need this separation, this chance to grow in ourselves and see what we can do without the other there. And as much as it hurts, and as much as I wish it wasn't true, it is true and I have to go before I break down before him.

I have a feeling that I'm going to have to be strong enough for the both of us, just like usual, because he's an idiot and a drama queen and he thinks that everything is his fault. And I don't mind because that is just who he is and I don't think I'd love him if he was any different.

My hand grabs the fabric above my heart and I grit my teeth as I realize for the first time just what he is to me and I know that I have to get away right then and there.

Without opening my eyes, I turn around and start to run.

I leave him there, I leave the man that managed to change my world and dry up my rain like no one else ever could. I leave him standing there looking hopeless and lost and stupid.

I leave him because I love him.

Love.

I nearly cry out in bitterness as the agony threatens to take hold and drive me mad.

I didn't think that I could ever feel so strongly for another, not after Kaien. I wasn't sure if it was love of the romantic sort, but I knew that there was more than simply love for a friend.

Less than lovers, more than friends.

That is what we are. And my heart is beating so fast, is singing and crying and jumping and screaming, that all I can do is run and run and run until someone comes to find me.

Because I am a Kurosaki in my heart, at least for today.

I look in the mirror and straighten my shinigami robes.

My heart is fluttering with anticipation, and I adjust my sleeve that has been rolled up, showing off one of the beautiful whitish-green glove that my brother had given me as a congratulations present.

I smile at the memory.

I don't think I've ever seen my brother smile, not even for a second. But when he found out that, despite his orders, they were promoting me to Assistant Captain of Squad 13, he smiled. And it wasn't a small, cool, condescending smile but a real, warm, proud smile. I have never seen something so beautiful before.

I scrunch up my nose at the thought.

Byakuya beautiful? Ugh. Well, he is rather attractive, I will admit that, but he's my brother for god's sake! Adoptive/brother-in-law, but brother all the same.

"Hey! Rukia! Are you ready yet?"

I yelp and turn around, grabbing the nearest object (my Chappy pencil case) and throwing it at the intruder. He yelps and ducks his red head, looking at me with a scowl. I return it full force and he can't help but shiver slightly under my intense gaze.

You don't sneak up on Kuchikis.

"What the hell are you doing Renji?" I yell at him, countenance dark and threatening, "This is my room for the love of all that is holy! You don't just walk in like you own the place! What if I had been changing?" My face is blushing madly at that last statement and I feel like punching my childhood friend where it hurts.

Fuel is added to my fire when he stops and seems to contemplate it for a moment, a sly grin on his stupid tattooed face.

"RENJI!" I screech, as I grab my notebook and prepare to hurl it at him.

He looks at me in alarm as I prepare my assault and raises his hands to protect his face. I continue to glare at him, wishing I had some sort of power to set people on fire with my glare.

Ugh. Men. They're all the same, I swear to God. That is, except for…

My heartstrings are pulled suddenly and I drop the book, sucking in a surprised breath as I double over and grab at my heart, tears suddenly stinging my eyes.

I hadn't thought about him in weeks, so why now…?

I choke back a sob, and I feel strong arms enveloping me in their embrace. The scent of Renji envelops me, and even though it isn't the cool, crisp smell of him, but rather the rosy, musky smell of Renji, I can't help but curl up against his body and clutch desperately at him as if he is my only tether to this world.

"Renji, I…" I suddenly find it difficult to breathe, to talk, to do anything except lay there and float in a sea of sadness.

He doesn't say anything, just tightens his arms around me in a reassuring manner. I think he knows what I am going through. I also think he knows that I don't need words of comfort, that I don't need sorrow or sympathy. I just need someone to hold me, to squeeze me to them and tell me without words that I am still alive, that my heart is still beating even though half of it is gone.

I close my eyes.

I guess it is only natural that I'd think of him on today of all days. I haven't seen him in so long, have been trying so hard to not think of him…I have been trying to forget, the very thing that I was telling him not to do.

I am such a hypocrite.

But I'm only human, or, only shinigami. And humans and shinigami have feelings and hearts and thoughts and emotions. And I am no exception.

Today I am becoming something new. Today I am stepping up to the role that my beloved mentor died in. Today I am taking a step towards the future. Today I am becoming stronger.

And I wish he was here to see it.

I know that he'd be proud of me. I know that he'd be so happy that he'd do something awkwardly nice, and that I'd probably slap him for it because that is how our relationship works. He does something stupid and I smack him.

A single tear falls out of my eye, because gods I miss that. I miss what we had, what we were, what we still could be if only we'd both just heal.

I want to see him, gods do I want to. I want him to be here, I want him to see the person that I have become because of him. I want him to smile with pride, to be there at my brother's side as I accept the title of Assistant Captain.

But he can't be here and I can't see him and I can't touch him and I can't go back to what we had and I am sorry that I was trying to forget and I hope that he can forget me.

A small sob escapes me and I feel Renji's hand run through my newly-cut hair. He is trembling, trembling because he knows how I feel and because he loves me and doesn't want to see me suffer. He wants to see me happy and with my soul, to see me truly complete even if my completeness doesn't involve him as being the man in my life.

It was him that came and found me that day that I parted ways with Ichigo. It was him that found me at the park, the place where I had once shot Ichigo with those balls in trying to teach him how to fight hollows properly.

He was there for me after I got my hair cut to symbolize my mourning state, he was there when I got the news that I was to become an assistant captain.

And I love him like a brother for being there for me, but I can't return the kind of love that he feels for me because no matter how much he's there, he wasn't the one to dry my rain and he is no Ichigo and I wish I could move on from that spot that my heart is stuck in but I can't.

"It's ok…Rukia…" he says, voice strained and I can feel the awkwardness in his stiff body and I could laugh at his discomfort if only I hadn't been about to cry, "…just…it's ok…"

And it's not ok, not now at least, but he's right anyway because someday it will be ok. Someday I will laugh again and someday I'll be able to be with him in some way, shape, or form and it won't hurt.

So we sit there and he rocks me and I don't care that I'm going to be late for my own ceremony or that my outfit is messed up and that I'm about five seconds away from becoming a blubbering mess.

I remember everything that I went through, all the trials and tribulations that Ichigo and I faced side by side. And I remember watching him as he slept for a month, I remember never leaving his side or getting sleep because I was afraid that he would just stop breathing. I remember as the days drug by slowly how I slowly came to terms with what I felt for him and I remember that moment of clarity when it finally all made sense.

I know what I feel and I know that there is no going back.

And I can't help but wonder…does Ichigo know?

A/N: So last night on tumblr there was a picture of Rukia and a caption saying that "Japanese girls cut their hair when they part with their loved one or have their heart broken." I don't know if that's true or not, but it's certainly interesting that Rukia is the only character so far to have shorter hair.

This is not meant to bash ByaRuki or RenRuki fans. I actually like both pairings, but this is just how I see them at this point in the story.