Sounds in the dark
An SR reflection…..it's an addiction I admit it and I have no intention of kicking it!
This machine takes my breath away….and then it gives it back.
It sounds like a monster breathing in my ear.
It hisses my breath into my lungs 'hiss'; and sends it back "suck"
I wonder if I can do it on my own.
I don't know. Every time the machine goes 'hiss' I wait for the pain; the tight resistance of scarred flesh and broken bones trying to repair themselves.
I don't want this pain.
But I do want to breathe.
Hiss
Suck
Hiss
Suck
When I was a little kid I was scared of the Golem. I thought he was under my bed. I could hear him breathing.
My dad sat with me until I was asleep.
My dad was big and strong; he protected me from the Golem under the bed.
He said that as long as he was there the Golem couldn't get me. He took me to the kitchen and held me in his lap listening to the music on the radio until I was asleep.
Hiss
Suck
Hiss
Suck
When I heard the machine I thought it was the Golem come to get me. My dad was by the bed.
"Don't worry Davey; I'm here. The Golem can't get you while I'm here."
I asked if I could go with him; I thought he'd know some place where I'd be safe and could go to sleep on his lap. He shook his head.
He left me with the Golem machine. I guess he knew it wasn't time yet.
Hiss
Suck
Hiss
Suck
Concentrate on the other sounds in the dark.
Beep, beep
Beep, beep. That's how they know my heart is still beating;
I know it is still beating. I can hear it.
Listen.
Bumpety, bump.
It's deafening; why can't they hear it?
Listen to the sounds in the dark.
Something's wrong.
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
I can't hear the bumping of my heart
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
They can hear that now. Voices. Calm and careful.
"We've lost him."
What do they mean? I'm here dummies; on the bed.
"Where's Davey?"
"I thought he was with you."
"Oh Mike."
"Davey! Davey!"
"Mommy!"
"Oh Davey I thought we'd lost you!"
"I was hiding."
I'm not hiding now. I'm here on the bed and they are saying that they've lost me.
The machine isn't beeping.
There's no hiss.
There's no suck.
The tightness round my chest is changing.
Something cold on my skin.
Pain. It shot through me like a giant bullet.
Hey listen.
Bumpety, bump
Beep, beep.
Hiss, suck.
The noises in the night.
Bubba Starsky used to say a rhyme to me when I was little:
"From ghoulies and ghosties and long leggedy beasties and things that go bump on the night; God protect little Davey so he can sleep safe tonight."
Right now I'm happy to hear my heart go bump in the dark.
Tomorrow I'm going to try to breathe without that hiss and suck….ah but will they know?