This is a post-GW Heero and Relena story. The plot is strictly Heero and Relena unless I get spontaneously creative in the future. This story is independent of any other story I have written, though it could conceivably follow the Mandred Chronicles as I am going to utilize Mandred as a parent-figure for Heero. However, none of my other stories need to be read first to enjoy this story because this story is strictly about Heero and Relena and I am assuming that 1xR fans know enough about them to figure it all out. Mandred has a small role to play in this story, but I'll tell you what you need to know about him. Also, this story may get sexually specific. Limes may eventually be included.
Desires of the Heart
Chapter One
By Zapenstap
Heero sat at his own table in his own house. A book lay face down by his right hand, stopped somewhere in the middle, the spine creased from overextending the pages. A tea cup was still steaming slightly next to it, sugarless Earl Grey, not too strongly steeped. Heero himself sat facing outward, toward the trees in what might be called a backyard, staring out at the gently sloping mountains far in the distance.
Earth. He was growing to like living here. The colors were beautiful, rich with scent and flavor, the wild detail in the natural world an endless wonder to the senses. Space had its beauty too. A cold, calm beauty, amplified by the generosity of its struggling citizens, the peace of the Colonists who were too busy living in such an unfriendly environment to waste time bickering with one another. But it was still a cold place, cold for orphans with no family, for soldiers with no wars to fight. He tried not to think of the war or the emptiness of space; the hollow loneliness that was in the deepest places of his heart seemed to echo with such thoughts, his history pulsating with a destiny he refused to feel shackled to. That's one reason why he moved here.
He lifted his book off the table with a smile and scanned the lines to find his place. He wasn't a soldier anymore. Earth was as warm as it was cold, as welcoming as it was harsh, a world of toil and triumph, where the dust of the earth and the sweet juice from the fruits of the trees mingled as one in God's gift to man. Here, cowards and heroes alike were shaped, criminals and humanitarians, evil and good, darkness and light.
Musing inwardly, Heero turned back to his book, leafing idly through the pages on a Saturday morning, ignoring his insecurities. When the doorbell rang, he was only surprised at the early hour of his guest's arrival. He would have thought Duo would be one to sleep in late and procrastinate on his social errands.
Heero got up immediately, folding the page in his book to save his place, and walked to the front door. Duo's big eyes greeted him, one fist poised to knock on the door, mouth slightly parted. Studying the other pilot silently, Heero pondered not for the first time that it was mostly Duo's eyes that made him look like such a fool. Their size just seemed to make him look childish, ever curious and questioning.
"Come in," Heero said blankly. "I had expected you a little later, but I'm not doing anything now."
Duo stepped inside and pulled off his leather gloves, shivering a little in the November chill as he adjusted to the warmth of the house. "Nice place you have here. You stayin' this time?"
"I have no plans to move anywhere else right now," Heero said as they walked into the kitchen and sat at the table. "Do you want any tea?"
Duo sat casually, leaning back with one arm extended across the table and the rest of his body slouching in his seat. "No thanks. I don't really like the stuff," he said with a polite decline, or as close as Duo ever came to being polite, not that Heero could talk. "Thanks for having me over," Duo added cheerily. "I know it's a little weird always running into you. It's weird for me too, and not just you, but also the others. I can't decide if, being comrades, we should leave our ties behind with the wars or try to be friends. But I figured that as long as I'm in town, I wanted to see how you were doing."
"I'm well," Heero said. He might have added that he was lonely sometimes, but he didn't. It wasn't something he would say, and not even something he would think much about if he hadn't been thinking of other things first. In this case, Duo's comment prompted the thought. Usually it was because he was thinking about Relena. "Is Hilde taking care of your business?" he asked conversationally.
"Yeah," Duo replied. "I'm surprised you remembered her name."
"I pay more attention than some people seem to think."
Duo shrugged. "If you say so, but I would argue otherwise. You're different. You've changed a lot since I first met you, and that's no mistake. You're not so closed off nowadays. You don't offend people by looking at them. You say more of what's on your mind. I don't get the impression that you used to be a soldier and nothing else when I look at you anymore. You have a life outside that now, or at least a fair start at one."
Heero didn't comment. There really wasn't anything to say to something like that, though it had been said before. Heero remembered the way he was, of course, and at the time it was who he had wanted to be. At the time, he had thought it was the only way to be, especially for someone like him, but a lot had changed since then. He had made a decision. Though he could not erase the past, he could take steps to change the future. He was a different person now.
"I've had a lot of time to myself to think," he said, and took a sip of his.
Duo looked around. "Yeah, I guess. Living in a house, taking care of a dog…" His eyes drifted to where Heero's black lab Ted was curled up on the floor. "And all that time you spent in the Colonies after the war with that Mandred guy. What was he, your mentor or something? Somebody you knew in the past?"
"He helped build the Wing Zero. He knew me when I was training." Heero shook his head, not wishing to think about those days. "You say I'm different? You might be right. I used to live day to day, planning for the next battle if I planned for anything. Maybe I'm different now because life is different. When the battles ended I wasn't sure how I would get along…"
"I didn't either," Duo agreed quietly, and for a moment, a lost look in Duo's eyes matched the one Heero sometimes felt.
Ignoring it, Heero continued without pause, "…but it turns out that I can, as long as I focus on the present and live in the world that exists around me." He inhaled the steam of his tea and closed his eyes. Then he looked out the window, at the sky, where the white day moon showed above the mountaintops. He gazed dropped and subconsciously the thought came to him that somewhere out in that direction there was a city, and on one of the highest floors of one of the tallest buildings there was a slim blonde woman rifling through a pile of papers. "I left space and came to the Earth because I knew I needed an outward change to match the rest of changes in living this way. Quatre was right. It is very beautiful here. I didn't used to see it so clearly."
Duo followed his gaze and then chuckled as if something had occurred to him. "How old are you Heero?" he asked casually.
Heero blinked, though he showed not other outward sign of surprise. "Nineteen, nearly twenty. Why?"
"Well, I travel a lot on business and when I run across one of the others, they sometimes ask about you."
Heero tried to reign in a glower. Duo's tone was all too suggestive.
Duo smiled, leaning forward on his elbows. "Well, generally they inquire all the usual sort of pleasantries, but one thing always comes up. See, they all have a different way of saying it. Trowa asks kind of off-hand, but Quatre has a real, genuinely sincere inquisitiveness. I will admit that Wufei's a little insulting, but…"
"What are you getting at?" Heero demanded, not losing patience, but nevertheless urging the conclusions of such cryptic remarks.
"I get that you feel you have nothing tying you to space except perhaps some bad memories and unnecessary habits, but popular opinion agrees that your main reason for moving to the Earth, especially in this country, is that Relena lives about twenty minutes north of you," Duo said. "So, have you seen her at all?"
Heero did not react the way Duo might have wanted him to. He had guessed where Duo was going before he got there, and it didn't surprise him. "I have seen her," he said calmly. "I visit her every now and then when I go to the city."
Duo waited with what felt like breathless anticipation. Only seconds had passed before he finally spoke, but from the way his eyes bulged, it might have seemed as if Heero had left him dangling for an hour. "And?" he inquired. "Come on, Heero. If you don't like her the way everybody seems to assume, just say so, but if you do, you might as well act on it."
"What do you mean?" Heero said. "And why would you think I can answer that question? It makes even less sense to me." The feelings were difficult to understand, to bend to his will.
Duo just shook his head. "You do like her."
"Yes, I like her. I risked my life to protect her. I fought for her peace. Everybody likes her."
"You know that's not what I mean."
No, it wasn't, and Heero understood perfectly well. He had thought on it for a long time, hours, even days at a time. He tried to analyze the way he felt when he saw her, wondering why the way her hair moved caught his attention, the way the trimness of her body and the shape of her face seemed more appealing to him that the bodies of faces of other people. He was aware that it was perfectly normal, perfectly human, and he took such feelings in stride as he did everything, but what to make of them, or what to do about them, he just wasn't sure.
"I like her," he said at last, not meeting Duo's eyes. "I have for a long time."
Duo sat back as if stunned, both hands flat and still on the table. "I'm not sure I ever really thought you would admit it. You know, she looks real good these days. And, well… everybody thinks she wants you. I mean, everybody who knows her personally. Why don't you ask her to be your girlfriend?"
"Is that how it works?" Heero muttered mostly to himself. "I don't know. I see her every once and awhile but I don't feel as if that's an option." Not to mention that it scared him. She did look good these days, and something in him had noticed, but the feelings associated with such thoughts were foreign to him. He knew that what he wanted was inappropriate, completely impossible. He couldn't even define their relationship as it was. She sent people away when he came to visit, and talked to him privately. Once she had taken his hand to show him something, and he had caught her staring at him from time to time, but what was that? Evidence, perhaps, of mutual interest, but what Duo suggested he knew seemed a bigger step than he was ready to take.
"What if you asked her out on a date?" Duo said. "That's done."
"So I can get to know her?" Heero questioned. "I already know her." He thought about it. It would feel strange, trying to impress her that way, taking her out, buying her things…? The thought of getting closer to her made him feel slightly dizzy, and strangely good.
"Well, yeah, but that will let her know that you're interested in her."
"I think she knows that already," Heero hedged.
Duo gave him a look to suggest otherwise, pulling slightly back and turning his head. "You're kind of a hard person to read. I wouldn't be so sure. Besides, she's the conservative type and so are you. One of you will have to do something, and as she's also the traditional type, that responsibility likely falls on you, buddy."
Heero agreed absently, but gave no indication of it. "I'll talk to her," he said, but wouldn't give more. With the rudimentary social skills he picked up from Mandred, he changed the topic, moving on to Duo's relationship with Hilde, his business, his travels and his expectations for the future. He and Duo were completely different people, which became clearer every time they met, but they understood each other in subtle ways simply from fighting together so long. Even so, being in Duo's company made Heero think about Relena's with a strange longing. Her soft curves were preferable to Duo's lean musckes. Her sparkling eyes were more interesting than Duo's blank stares. He had done day-long studies of her before and talking to the braided pilot while thinking about Relena made him miss her. The way she spoke even was both soothing and engaging. Her intelligence was seeped in her words, but her intonations were relaxing, calming, like listening the waves crashing on the beach. He could do both for hours and never feel the drain.
Duo prattled on while Heero considered, losing himself in a hazy, indistinct dream. The only thing that was clear was that, by the time Duo left, Heero was sure of what he wanted to do. How he was to do it, he didn't know, and what he wanted out of it remained unclear, but he was determined to try something all the same. Act of your emotions, that was what he had been taught, and right now his emotions were wrapped up in a young diplomat. He didn't ask himself if he was ready for a relationship, especially with this girl, this one girl with whom he had so much history, this one girl of whom he was always thinking. It was no use wondering if the thing could be done; he just had to do it. He knew for sure that if he had never been a gundam pilot and had somewhere still remained himself, and if she had never been a diplomat or any of the other things she had become, he would still have wanted this, would still have liked her. There was something about her that was attractive, something that was like him, something he wanted to explore deeper, and though there were all sort of obstacles and distractions in the proposition he made to himself, it was no use being cowardly about it.
He had decided. He would go and see her today.
He wondered, of course, how she might take it, but he hoped she would be ready, even that she might have been waiting. That, he hoped, would make things easier, but then, he really didn't know anything about this part of life, and frighteningly enough, neither did she.