Medic's Banana Cock (WIP Title) Totes not copyrighted I swear to god fuck off valve.
Author's Notes: This is a collab story between me and the one and only Cage: AKA the one and only Pissful Prince.
It was a chilly night at the BLU base. The menacing mercs were under siege by both the weather and the RED team. Heavy and Pyro were playing a game of charades down in the bowels of the BLU base. "Hudda Hudda" exclaimed Pyro. Heavy replied with "You are big horse Pyro. I like horse… They taste good." Pyro's mask narrows… "HUDDA HUDDA HUD!". Pyro was furious, he began to flail his fat chicken wing arms around. This only made things worse for Heavy… Heavy now thought that Pyro was having a seizure so he proceeded to shout "MEDIC! MEDIC! MEDIC! MEDIC! MEDIC!".
Unfortunately, Heavys cries for help were left unanswered as Medic was giving Engie a tour of the base ;D. Medic and Engie were spending quality time together in the kitchen. They were talking about politics and how they feel that Merasmus was a mediocre wizard and that he should not go on to win the elections for president. Whilst they were talking Engie suddenly has a sick sense that his sentry was in danger. Sweat began to drip from his goggles because clearly he cannot cry due to his lack of eyeballs. Engie was exhausted after a long day of erections and having to beat them constantly to keep them up. He mumbled "I could do with a long hard banana right now my metal levels are low". Medic glared intently into Engies empty eye sockets. "Baby I can give you what you want" said Medic as he was biting into his lip sexually. Engie replied with " I would love that doc but where are you gonna find a long hard banana at this hour in a military base?" *Medic unzips pants*. "Umm… Doc what are you doing…" To Engie's surprise there stood a long hard potassium filled banana bulging out of Medics thong. Engie could not resist the temptation of latching his lips onto Medic's medicine. Engie begins to move his head up and down the shaft of the banana while retaining complete eyeless contact with Medic. Engie could feel the throbbing of Medic's banana inside his mouth as the potassium pulsated through the 19 inch banana cock. Engie's voice was muffled due to his entire body being filled with the potassium in quick succession of Medic blowing his load all over. Engie gargled it like it was water, potassium was dripping from every orifice on his 's cries of pleasure filled the room like it was an elephant orgy at an overpopulated zoo. *Engie looks up towards Medic's orgasmic looking face*. "Geez. Thanks Doc. I think I'll take a little for later". Medic was under the impression that Engie meant that he was going to store some of his love liquids in his empty eye sockets. He could not of been further away from the truth… Engie lifted up one half of his goggles to reveal a small pen knife. Engie removed the pen knife from his empty eye socket and took it into his mongrel hands. A creepy grin appeared on Engie's face as he flipped the blade up from it's holder. "This will only hurt a second doctor. I learnt from the best after all ;D. It's time to move that gear up." A look of horror was bestowed upon Medic's face as Engie began to saw through the lower half of his banana shaft. Medic began to yelp and cry out in pain as his pride and joy was removed from his body. Once removed, Engie slapped Medic in the face with it repeatedly until Medic was later pronounced dead. Engie stands proud above Medic's hairy carcass with the banana dick floating above his head. Engie strokes across the limp shaft of the banana admiring it's craftsmanship. "This is just what the doctor ordered" he said to himself as he applied Medic's clothing to his body.
In the morning, all the mercs rejoin each others company to have a nice breakfast down in the kitchen. Everyone was there excluding Medic. Questions quickly began to pop up. "Where is my Medic?" said Heavy as tears flew from his eyes like Sasha's jizz. "Where is that German bastard at ay?" said Scout while swallowing as much bonk atomic as possible. Pyro (Still mad from the game of Charades) sits sulking as he mumbles unknown words to his fellow team mates. Eyes quickly began to focus towards the one mysterious man of the group who nobody really understands the point of them being there. "Engineer, where were you last night?" said Spy. " I was moving that gear up as I do everyday buddy". Spy snorts at Engineer. "You are looking rather… Different today Engineer…". It was rather strange that nobody pointed this out before because Engie had a huge tail like figure bulging out of his rectum. *Engie scratches at his hat*. "Umm… Well, ya see Spy I was kinda getting really nervous about your kind sapping my sentry so I laid a massive log to ward them off. Then I got food poisoning from eating a bad banana and diarrhea just began streaming from my rectum much like niagra falls. The cold weather made it even worse so now there is a 19 inch poo frozen to the inside of my anus". The entire team stares towards Engie in both disgust and fascination. There was a sorrow filled atmosphere in the kitchen as they could all understand Engie's pain seen as this has happened to them multiple times in the past. However, instead of it being a frozen poo. It was infact, Heavys huge girthy cock being rammed up their anuses like a spear until it popped out the other side and none of them could sit down for a year. No further questions were asked about Engie's frozen poop or the whereabouts of the doctor.
Hours passed to days, days passed to weeks, weeks passed to months… There was still no sign of Medic. The mercs were forced to carry on without the Medic and had to trial new Medic's in the process. They were all just awful and not the same as that German faggot we all know and love. This lead the team to become depressed beyond repair. Only the arrival of the Medic could rekindle their love for destroying people's lives and making love to mediocre wizards. The team was currently running with a new Medic from Austria. His name was Adolf Caterpillar and he was almost as mentally fucked up as Soldier after eating an entire tray of space cakes. But none the less it was still not the same without Medic. The team were falling apart. The intelligence had been stolen multiple times by the RED team but BLU just seemed not to care anymore. It was as though a part of them was missing. They did minimal work from then on,working as go go dancers in clubs and sharing shifts at McDanalds.
One day BLU team decided to take a break from it all. They decided to give up their jobs and just take a break from it all. Engineer became a con artist and a full time hustler on the streets of Iraq. Soldier became a drug lord for the el papa cho chos down in the South of America. Heavy became a personal trainer for paper bowerbal as he was one of the most promising boxers he had ever seen. Demoman became a pimp in Africa where all the hoes were either malnourished or riddled with disease (He did not get many customers). Sniper went back to his homeland and mated with Dolly the Kangaroo. He went on to have 7 beautiful children. David the timelord, Matt the timelord,Christian the brutal sniper, Pete the cankle lover, Alan the crocodile nose licker, Shitface the doll and last but not least. Vagina booblay. Sniper was set on nothing but his family in the meantime. Spy… Spy became a security guard at Chucky Cheesey tomatoes. Scout became a pro athlete in the NBA due to his bonk atomic addiction. He was later his by a car in a freak accident mid game. Although due to him being a fricken blur the driver did not even see him coming. His last words before he died were… "wnwnnwwnwnnwnwnwnnwnw". Pyro became a lumberjack down in the Atlantic ocean so he could keep up with his lean physique.
90 years later, The squad came together for a vacation in Hawaii. It was late October so things were getting pretty spooky for the gang. They still had to solve the mystery of the disappearance of Medic. The team wanted to get festive so they congaed their way to Martwal mega store. Upon arriving at the store they all split up to find their costumes. Seen as they blew all their cash on the most horrendously shit hotel , they were given the budget of just one dollar. Each merc with dollar in hand pranced towards their desired sections. Spy bought a black morphsuit with bones on it so he could spook people with his cloak on a rope. Heavy bought a tree costume so he could get passing people to touch his "branch". Pyro took his mask off to reveal his grotesk horrifically disgusting abomination of a face which would make even the manliest man quake in his boots. Sniper bought a beard and got some stilts so he could dress up as a tranny giant from the North West South East of the North. Demo man bought a pirate hat so he could be a fireman with his mighty hose cock, blasting children from left and right keeping his "foam". Soldier decided to pawn off his all American clothing in order to buy a crate of honey. He then proceeded to cover every inch of his body in said honey as the manager watched in fear. The manager's mouth widened as soldier stuffed honey in places that honey should never be able to reach. And last but not least there was Engie… He spent his final dollar on an empty can of shark sperm from a vending machine so he was bankrupt. He had nothing but a little bit of belly fluff, a button, some paperclips and a 19 inch banana cock. He then had to solve some practical problems so he combined them all together to create a banana cock with various objects attached to it. He looked pleased with his shitty work regardless of is non engineer like abilities. 10 minutes later he still could not find a way to put the costume on so he just kinda duct taped it onto his hairless chest. "Theres a spy sapping my anus". Engineers face rotated 180 degrees like an owl. "Dreet dreet" he shouted out loud. This was code work for spy to get the fuck out of his orangatang anus. Spy carried on ghost licking this shit covered anus of Engineer's. Engineer's frown quickly went to a satisfied smile. A line of blush appeared along his face as he decided to rain tropic thunder all over Spy's face. Shit was raining out of his anus with as much force as King Kong's sneezes. Spy's mouth was being filled up with the shit and there was not enough time to keep spitting it out so he had to swallow it as it came. Spy's long slender body began to fill up and resemble the shape of a blueberry (but enlarged and filled with shit). Throughout the whole process Engie retained complete eyeless contact with Spy's shit covered body. Spy so no other escape than to stick his hand in the whole to block the never ending shit. His tiny hands slivered into this hippo like hole and blocked the shit from coming out. Engineer began to cry from his not so tear ducts (It was just potassium leaking from his eye sockets). Spy then felt bad so he was contemplating on removing his child like hand. Spy slowly began to sliver his way out when suddenly he was trapped! Engineer had clenched his buttocks so Spy's hand could not escape. Spy's shitty mouth opened when he felt himself being pulled up the anus. Spy's entire body was consumed within a matter of seconds by the giant butt hole of doom. Looks like Spy will never get to spook anyone :'(.
It was now getting very late and the trick or treaters were coming out to spook the living shit out of Old Mary Montapoo.
Disclaimer, we will never finish this.