Disclaimer: I do not own wowp
A/N: I wrote it in the same pattern as "because you are sick", but it's NOT a sequel.
You flip through the pages of your journal, you scroll through the pages of your files. Your hands move mechanically. Your eyes move up and down with a blank dazed gaze. You comprehend nothing. Nothing at all.
You have a journal. You write everything that comes to your mind, everything that happens to your life. But you cannot write about her, not even a single scratch. Because if anyone ever finds out anything, it will be the end. Because writing would make it real and the words would glare hard at you, stabbing you in your heart countless times. Because you're more sick these days.
And so all these feelings and emotions and all the complexities are locked away in your mind, hammering on your head with every breathe you take, pounding, desperately trying to get out. The more they struggle to break free, the more you try to shove them down. And so your words are jumbled these days, flowing with a broken rhythm and staggering at places, even stopping altogether. And so your writings lack a magical touch these days.
Because these days, all you can is focus on what you are not writing, what you cannot write, instead of the matter at hand. Because these days, even while at home, you can only think about what happened at school, revisiting every wretched moment you faced. Because you're more sick these days.
Home isn't any better, with her by your side almost all the time, and now school has started being the same way. You never realized when exactly school, your heaven, your second most favorite place in the world, turned into this torture house, this place that made you feel like you're suffocating, made you want to run away. But you can guess that it happened right after he entered her life.
You never thought she was yours. You knew she would never be yours. But you didn't want her to be someone else's either. Because somewhere in the most secret alternate dimension existing in your mind, she was yours. Because as long as she was single, there was hope- false hope, but hope never-the less. Because as long as you didn't have to watch her in love with someone else, you could pretend that she was also secretly in love with you.
Because you are more sick these days.
You are genuinely worried about her. You don't like her boyfriend, you don't like his intentions. You want her to be careful and/or stay away from him. But you cannot tell her. Because whenever you are even remotely close to gathering the courage of trying to hint something to her, she somehow starts talking about how he is "the one", how he means everything to her, how much she loves him.
She looks into your eyes while she says these, and your know the words are aimed to hit your heart. Her lips move with her words but all you can hear is "back off from me and move on", because it is clearly the message that she's trying to send.
You look right back, trying to drill holes into her orbs and somehow dig into her soul, steal what is yours (what was never yours to begin with) and keep it with you forever.
Her eyes glaze over with some emotion. You wonder if it's the pain of holding back from admitting her love. You wonder if she is scraping her teeth across her lips to hold her confession in. Because that's all that you can think about these days. Because you are more sick than ever. You are more sick than anyone else.
Sometimes you picture different situations in your mind, you imagine what it would have been like if things were different. You could have been the school nerd and she could have been the school bully and you could have started off as worst enemies, become friends, fallen in love, gotten married, and lived happily ever after. You could have been the new guy in town who studied in the same grade as hers, and she could have been the secret admirer who had a crazy crush on you. She would have watched you from far away, until you finally noticed her, fell in love with her, and pledged her hand in marriage.
Marriage. That's what every one of your fantasies ultimately comes down to. Because that's the one thing that you can't do even if she did love you. (Doesn't the human mind always seek (sick) what it can't have?) Because that's the one major thing in your never-ending lists of "what-if" alternate realities. Because you are more sick these days.
Because you are more than sick these days.
School starts and your daily torture begins with the routine of seeing her early in the morning, leaning against her locker, laughing and talking excitedly to Harper. She is always so non-chalant, she rarely smiles and laughs like that, so genuine, so real, like it's radiating the happiness filling her heart. You know that she can be talking about anything- class, pranks, family, gossips, movies, TV- anything. But in your mind, you decide that she is talking about how freaking happy she is with her new boyfriend. Because in your mind, all you can see is her and her boyfriend. Because in your mind, that's what has been torturing you day in and day out. Because in your mind, you are more sick these days.
The torture continues. You wouldn't expect anything less. She isn't in front of you anymore. You don't know where exactly she is, but you have a fairly good idea. While you are trying desperately hard to focus on your studies just so you can drive her out of your mind's territory, and failing to concentrate even the tiniest bit, she is happily ditching some class she doesn't like and spending her time in happy day dreams about her boyfriend. (You are not going to think about the possibility of them ditching classes together). The twisted reality of the contrast in your conditions makes your stomach clench. You are so much more sick these days.
You take in a deep breath. You are not going to think about her. You are not going to think about her. You. Are. Not. Going. To. Think. About. Her….
You keep repeating the words in your head. And then, it's like something is building inside of you, some kind of pressure that is in waiting, ready to burst out the moment it's fully built and in possession of whatever it is aiming to possess. Your breath hastens, your jaw tightens, you write faster. Nothing cracks (except your heart), nothing bursts (except your unshed tears burning at the back of your eyes), nothing blows (except that breathe you take to fight the lump in your throat) though, only this restless feeling keeps escalating.
And then it all fades to absolute numbness (since you are ignoring the irritation scratching at your skin). You can't even feel the pen in your hand or the paper you are writing on. Suddenly you're not tangible anymore. Because you are more than sick these days. You are also tired- God! -so terribly tired of this daily dose of hell.
When the class ends, your numbness is over too. Anticipation is slowly crawling back in your heart, as you prepare to head about to your locker and face her again. You are not sure what will happen today. Every day it's the same story- she's there, you are there, and you don't know if either of you will talk or interact, or if she will even notice your presence. Sometimes you wonder if she actually doesn't see you or if she pretends that she doesn't. She's a great actress after all, sometimes even you can't see through her lies. Or maybe you do and you still force yourself to believe her. Because believing in lies is sometimes easier and better. Because believing that she was genuinely sick and so missed the class is so much easier than believing that she was making out with her boyfriend (You were never strong enough to picture that in your mind. Because you are so much more sick these days, you're afraid that you may throw up nasty blood). Because lies are your new shelter and you're not leaving the last twig that you're holding on to. Because you are more sick these days.
With all these and many more thoughts cluttered in your head, you head out. And she's not there. She's not anywhere within your eyesight. All this anticipation for nothing. Sometimes you think you're causing yourself more pain than she is, that you are doing this to yourself. Or maybe you are just trying to save her from the blame like you usually do. Maybe you are being the protective big brother again.
Big brother. That's right. You are doing it again. Reminding yourself about the bitter facts and figures to cause yourself pain. As if the pain already present wasn't enough to rip your insides out! As if you already weren't sick enough! God! You're so sick of yourself!
You face her in the next break. This time, you had decided that you were not going to kill yourself with anticipation and preparation. You were also angry at yourself, and spent the time grumbling out your frustration. And so now you are caught off guard. You are frozen, even with your legs carrying you forward. You don't know how to act. Or rather, you don't know how she will act. She's so unpredictable these days, sometimes talking to you like you're her best friend, and sometimes acting like you're a complete stranger. It's this unpredictability that's killing you. You are Justin Russo, after all. You are used to routine and discipline and sticky notes and plans and everything predictable. (Why couldn't you predict that you will fall in love with her and avoid her in the nick of time? Why did you do the unpredictable (unthinkable)?)
Your eyes meet. You breathe normally, even though you feel like you're holding your breath. She holds the gaze for three seconds- you counted (because you are more sick these days) - and then her eyes flicker to whomever else is standing next to her and she starts talking.
You know that this time it was deliberate. But you keep sticking to lies; you keep telling yourself that she can never intentionally hurt you, that she did not intentionally avoid you just so you can get a hold of yourself and move on from her. This must be some misunderstanding, some evil game of fate.
God! Isn't everything in your life an evil game of fate?
"Justin!"
You wonder what kind of twisted psychology she is pulling on you now. When you pay attention, she plays hard to get. And when you're ignoring her, she comes running your way. (Maybe this is her problem then and not yours?)
You sigh and turn around. "Yeah?" Your voice is a lot lower than it usually is, but it isn't exactly your fault. Because as soon as she started dating him, you have been feeling this strange intense desire to sleep. You feel like you are constantly in a state of sleep, you feel drowsy, you feel like you don't have any energy left in your body. Your eyelids feel heavy, each eyelash weighing enough to bring your eyelids dangerously close together. If only they would close and never open again! Because, then you won't have to see these things you saw and wish that you could unsee somehow (like that picture of her holding hands with her boyfriend on the beach)! Why doesn't life come with an undo button?
"Do you have five dollars on you?" she asks, snapping you out of your thoughts. You can see that she is just as sick and tired as you are, but she's trying to sound playful and look sneaky. She's succeeding.
Which only angers you more. Why does she get to be alright after making you feel so much more sick these days?
You are not going to give in to her, not after everything that she is doing to you. You are not going to give in to her, you can't accept defeat again. You are not going to give in to her, that only causes you more and more pain. You. Are. Not. Going. To. Give. In. to. Her….
You keep repeating the words to yourself like it's a magic spell. Only, it's not working. At all. Never did, never does, and you know it never will. Because she's got the wand the controls your life, and she's spinning it her way.
Your hands dive into your pocket almost too eagerly to bring out your wallet. Because you are more sick these days.
(Funny thing? It's the same wallet where you have kept her photo, which she has seen but pretended not to see…. Maybe because she is also more sick these days?)
A/N: feels great to write some intense angst after a while and get all my emotions out! These are the kind of one-shots that I want to write once I'm done with the chapter fics. Hope you like it. Reviews are what keep me going :)