This is short and drabble-y so, whatever. I just wanted to write something THG related after the drastic casting news. Josh and Liam. I didn't expect that. heh. If any of you are on tumblr, you can message me so we can idk rant about it. I just need everything out of my system atm. I am so frustrated with everything. OH, and ignore any mistakes. didnt have time to proofread. It's unprofessional, I know. Sorry. Enjoy! :-)
On some nights, Peeta wakes with nothing but the sounds of his guard snoring softly in their chairs. He doesn't speak, his heart races and he takes a chance. Slowly fumbling out of his bed and grabbing the keys from their fingers, he dashes out of his room to breathe the evening air.
He can't be gone long, he knows this. He knows this all too well but it doesn't stop him. If there is one thing he remembers clearly, something the Capitol did not take from him, is the memory from the train. Those empty nights filled with dreams of being alone, of being scared. He remembers it too well. All too well that he knows what to do. Somehow he always ends up in Katniss' room. He doesn't know why but he just does. It's automatic.
Sometimes he's scared she might not be there, the constant fear of losing her creeps up inside him and he doesn't know why. Katniss is a mutt. He doesn't understand. His memories as too messed up, too jumbled. He doesn't know what to believe or who to believe. He doesn't know who to blame. If it's the Capitol or Katniss?
He's too tired so he doesn't think. Instead, he scuffles quietly to Katniss' bunk, his face a few inches away from her's as he lies down next to her. On most nights, she takes his hand in the dark and he doesn't pull away. Her fingers are calloused and cold, he holds his breath sometimes because he thinks it's not real but it is. Sometimes, she cries and Peeta desperately wants to wipe away her tears and ask her why but he never does.
One time, she rests her head on his chest, his shirt stained with her tears but he doesn't mind. He never minds anymore. She whispers words like "I'm sorry." and his name. He doesn't get why she says sorry, he doesn't understand but then again, he doesn't understand much.
It turns into a routine and when he wakes up on mornings he didn't get to visit her he feels nothing. Everything is hollow. That's when he starts arguing with himself. He yells at particularly nobody and feels like ripping all his hair off because wants to understand. He wants to know what the hell is happening. Why does it feel so different with Katniss? Why can't he understand his feelings for her?
Gale talks to him one time when they run into each other in the halls late one night. His heart pounds and his hands shake. He thinks Gale will tell on him. "Mellark." He nods. "What are you doing here?"
"Needed to get out." He mutters. Gales lets out a sigh.
"Look, I know you and I... we're not friends but Katniss-" Her name makes his mind spin. Just the thought of her grey eyes and black hair make him want to run. But he doesn't. He remains calms and stares at Gale. "Katniss cares about both of us."
"Katniss is a mutt." Peeta spits. It's an automatic response. An answer everyone expects to hear from him. He doesn't know why he says it because he's not sure. He feels like collapsing.
"Give her a chance." He almost hears the pleading note in Gale's tone and he realizes how much Gale cares for Katniss. How much love he has. "She's-she's holding up and she's really strong. You're strong too, you know?"
His words hit him like a punch. He's not strong. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"You love her, Peeta." Gale tells him, his tone is hard. Peeta knows saying this is breaking him because hearing it breaks him too. For a moment, they're both frozen. Unable to say anything after what the taller boy has just said.
"Leave me alone." He mutters and walks away, slipping back into his cabin. The empty feeling dawns back onto him, hollow and cold. He somehow needs her to get through the night but no, he has to be strong even though Gale says he is. He doesn't believe him, he doesn't listen. Instead, Peeta slides the keys back into the fingers of his chubby guards and tries to fall asleep.
He doesn't. Gale's words haunt him. You love her, Peeta. It's scary how he can just throw those words at him. It makes him shrudder and hold his breath. It doesn't make sense. Katniss is a mutt. Katniss is a mutt.
On another night he asks her again about the goat and the color of the sunset and she doesn't answer because she makes these awful choking sounds while she speaks and he can't understand her clearly. So he tells her to stop. Katniss presses her lips to his forehead and shuffles around the bed uncomfortably. Peeta still wants answers. He wants to understand everything so badly but why won't people talk to him properly?
When he sees her with Finnick and Gale, anger burns inside him and he doesn't understand either. He doesn't get it. He thinks he'll never get it and he's desprate. But things don't change. He trusts no one's answers because he wants Katniss' answers but her answers always end up sounding different from what he wants to hear. So he yells and screams and kicks because he'll get fixed and he hates it.
Told you it was short. 800 or something words. whatever. Reviews are loved as always.