A short story about Sam's internal struggle during Harrison's battle with Leukemia. Kinda dark. Read through it all!
Note: This short story is to be part of a larger story arc I'm writing. It will be published as a series of short stories, which function fine as standalones, but which when taken together will create a deeper story. Cheers!
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. It's for fun baby!
He lies on the hospital bed, oh so still. Barely moving. If I wasn't holding his wrist, feeling the blood pump through his vessels, I would swear he was dead. I want to cry. I want to just hug him and never let go. But I hold back, and I don't know why.
I hear a knock at the door, and turn to it. Brooke is standing there. She gives me a little wave.
"Is it ok? If I come in that is?" she asks nervously. She knows how much I like my alone time with him.
I nod. "I… of course." I scoot up on the bed, but she just pulls over a chair. She maintains a distance from Harrison whenever I'm around. As if she doesn't want to make me feel threatened. I guess it's nice of her, but I'm not threatened. Harrison and I, our bond will never be broken, not by anything. He's like a brother to me.
"He looks so peaceful," Brooke comments softly, gazing at his face. I look at his face. Really look at it. I've been avoiding looking at him. Because I see what she can't. She sees peace, and that is true, there is peace there. But there is more. So much more. It eats me up inside.
"He… this last treatment." I choke up. I want to cry again. I want to just crawl into a hole and cry myself to sleep. But I can't. I have to be strong. Harrison needs me. He needs my strength, as he has been mine so many times before. Well damn it I won't let him down now.
Brooke takes my free hand and cups it gently. "Sam… it's gonna be ok. Harrison is strong. He's fighting an amazing fight. And you've been incredible for him. You spend more time here then everyone else combined. I know how much you mean to him, and him to you."
I can't respond. My throat has locked down. But still, I cannot cry. Still I cannot get the release I so desperately need. Since I first took him to the hospital, I have been unable to cry. I've felt so emotionally numb. I think Brooke can sense that I am falling. She spends time here as well, not nearly as much as me, but still a lot. I think that if George were around, he'd notice me too. But he's away. Had been away for the past week, and would be for the next 2 weeks. It was for his football career, and I didn't want my weakness to stand in his way, so I hid it from him.
"You're the rock in his life, and you're the reason he's made it this far. But Sam. You need to look after yourself. You can't keep going like this."
I know she's right. I barely sleep at nights, and I rarely eat. I toss and turn. And even when I do sleep, the dreams… nightmares are worse. I only eat when I have to, and most of that I throw up. I want to agree with her, I want to sleep, I want to eat, but… at the same time, I just won't let myself.
I can't lose another person I love.
Brooke continues, despite my non-response. I just stare at her, lost in thought. "You haven't cried. You haven't showed emotion about this. You're always there for Harrison, and he's leaning on you heavily. But… there are others. We can shoulder some of it. You don't have to take it all."
Finally I find my voice. "I… I have to help him. I have to do whatever he needs from me. Be there…" I sob. "Be there for him. As he has been for me. I can't fail him."
Brooke regards me steadily, nothing but compassion in her eyes. She must think I'm so weak. Harrison needs me, and I fall to pieces. I feel myself being pulled into a hug, as Brooke embraces me warmly. I squirm to escape. I don't want to be comforted for my failure. But she just holds me tightly, not relenting, not letting me escape.
"It's ok Sam. You aren't failing him. You aren't failing anyone. You're like his guardian angel, watching out for him, guarding him. You have been absolutely perfect." She takes my shoulders firmly in her hands as she puts me back to arm length.
"I… this is just like my dad. I don't know if Harrison is going to make it. I'm so scared. If he… I just…" I stop. I don't know what I would do… who I would be. "I don't know what to do." She pulls me tight again, and I stop fighting her as I feel the dam burst. Suddenly I'm crying, hard. It all just comes pouring out, all my pent up emotions. I go limp, and just fall into her. She staggers but holds steady after, and merely whispers to me, telling me it will be alright. That everything is going to be ok. And here, in my sister's arms, I believe her. That for once, perhaps the future isn't as horrible as I fear.