Okay, so as you may now have realised, my co-author Lacrima and I have some weird discussions about the Harry Potter fandom. One of them ended in this, a Hugo/Scorpius crackfic. Well, it's really more Hugo than Scorpius, and it's less crack-y than I intended, but a fine piece of work nonetheless, IMHOtep.
So enjoy the oddness and large helpings of OOC-ness!
- Legs
Disclaimer: This is fanfiction - I own NOTHING! Except Willy, Milly, Cathy, Tallulah and Olivia. They're all mine :D
Hugo Weasley Learns A Lesson In Humility In A Most Unlikely Manner
Lesson I: Heart
To his family and his friends, Hugo Weasley was something of an enigma. He was an average student in all of his classes, and yet he boasted to no end about his marks. He had tried out for the Quidditch team every year since he was eligible, and had not once made it on, yet he would make wild claims of his prowess on the broom. And he told everyone proudly that he'd slept with many girls, thank you very much, when it was all-but-official to everyone who knew him well enough that he preferred humans of the male persuasion, if you catch my drift.
"Oh, yeah," he claimed proudly at breakfast one morning, with a crowd of amused on-lookers listening attentively, "my date with Cathy went fantastically..."
His older sister Rose had snorted loudly at this, but Hugo kept going.
"That's right, Lily, I know what you're thinking: did he shag her?"
Lily recoiled. "Don't be a grosswad, Hugo. I do NOT need the mental image of you giving it to that fat Hufflepuff up the—"
"LILY LUNA POTTER!" her older brother, Albus Severus "I'M HEAD BOY SO GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY" Potter snapped angrily, "You are a Prefect! Watch your language!"
Lily giggled. "Go on Hugo, answer your own damn question."
"The answer is, of course, my dear Lily, a resounding yes."
Again, Rose snorted. "As if you did, Hugo," said the much-less-in-your-face-than-Albus-Severus Head Girl, "Cathy Johns is so not your style."
"Says who?" Hugo retorted cleverly.
"Says everyone who knows that you have a subscription to PlayWitch Magazine," Rose retorted, with actual thought behind her words.
"Yeah, well... go bugger yourself with a mandrake," Hugo said with some annoyance. "Now, if you'll excuse me, my dear friends, I have to go and let someone down lightly."
"It's because she's fat, isn't it?" Lily asked facetiously.
"She's not fat," Hugo replied defensively, "she's just big-boned." And with that he got up from the Gryffindor table and strode proudly over to the magical land of Hufflepuff.
"Cathy, honey!" Hugo called out, grinning smoothly.
"Oh, Merlin," Cathy, the sixth year Hufflepuff beater responsible for half of the school's Quidditch-related injuries, whispered to her friends, "it's that stupid kid who wants me to be his beard."
Her friends giggled, and all eyes turned to Hugo, chest puffed-out, on his approach.
"What d'you want, Hugo?" Cathy asked grumpily.
"Look, honey, I don't know how to say this, but... I don't think we can be together."
Cathy guffawed loudly. "What you playing at, Hugo? You yanking my chain here?"
Hugo paused for a moment, pondering the possibility that maybe he was blowing this whole situation waaaaay out of proportion, and that he should just say "yeah, girlfrahhn, I'm just yanking your chain. We're cool. Catch you later," and be done with it.
Nah, he thought.
"Oh, honey, don't pretend that there was nothing between us last night."
"Something between us? You're kidding! You bought me a butterbeer and then talked at me for half an hour about how many girls you've been with because you helped them with their Arithmancy homework!"
"He doesn't even do Arithmancy!" chimed in a Hufflepuff girl in the fifth year.
"Thanks, Tallulah, you're not helping," Hugo the ladykiller said snippily, "the fact that I don't do it just goes to show how amazing it is that I could do their homework for them. In my sleep. Backwards... on a broom..."
Now not only the Hufflepuffs were laughing, but so was the small contingent of Gryffindors who had followed Hugo.
"Listen, Hugo," Cathy said in a softer tone of voice, "you really ought to stop exaggerating about these things. Honestly. If you really want to get with girls, you tell them how great they are, not how great you are."
She smiled genuinely up at him, and Hugo smiled happily back.
"Thanks for the sentiments, Cathy, but honestly, I don't take advice from girls more brawn than brains."
"You're a bloody arse-wipe, Hugo Weasley!" she exclaimed as he walked off.
"I don't know what a yah-swipe is, Cathy," he said over his shoulder, "but thanks for the compliment!"
Lesson II: Body
"BUGGER!" came a loud yell from the Gryffindor Quidditch team's changing rooms. Of course, no one but Albus Severus "I'VE GOT A VERY LOUD VOICE CAN YOU TELL?" Potter could make such a cacophony.
"What's up, 'Al?" his little sister Lily, the team's kick-arse keeper inquired.
"AH FUCK SHIT ARSE BUM I SLIPPED IN THE SHOWER OW SHIT OW."
"Language!" Lily cried, laughing.
"FUCK LILY FUCK I DON'T THINK I CAN GET UP OW."
Soon, the whole Gryffindor team rushed to the aid of their star seeker. It turned out that Albus Severus "I'M NOT GOING TO ADMIT THAT I'M A DRAMA QUEEN" Potter had indeed slipped in the shower, and had broken all sorts of bones, and fractured everything else. He looked to be in a lot of pain, and it'd take more than a couple of spells to get him back to normal.
And so, with several minutes to go until the Gryffindor vs. Slytherin game, the team Captain (Olivia DuBois) went on a wild search of the crowd for someone willing to step in at the last moment.
At this very moment, Hugo Weasley was sitting with a couple of his gal-pals, discussing the pin-up boy on the cover of the latest Witch Weekly.
"He's nice enough," said Millicent Finch-Fletchley-Grubby-Plank, "but I really don't see the attraction. I mean, just look at that monobrow!"
"Oh, it's disgusting, isn't it!" Wilhelmina Abercrombie seconded.
"Honestly," Hugo said primly, "if I were shagging him I wouldn't care what his face looked like – I'd be contented with a strong body like his!"
The girls (and Hugo) giggled. Just then, Olivia DuBois came bounding up the stands to near where they were.
"Listen up, Gryffindors, and listen up carefully!" she bellowed. "Our seeker is injured! We need a stand-in for this match!"
At this, Hugo's eyes lit up. "I CAN DO THAT!" he called out.
Olivia turned her head to Hugo, a look in her eyes that said "no, please no. How about not? Really."
But when no-one else had volunteered, and Hugo's eyes were still burning like candles, Olivia reluctantly said "fine, get your ginger arse down to the change rooms, where we'll discuss strategy."
Hugo trotted along behind her eagerly. "Have I told you lately that I love you, Olivia?"
"Shut it, dingus, just play your best and don't stuff it up."
At this, Hugo smiled smoothly. "Don't you worry, Olivia darling, I can't not play my best..."
Half an hour and several broken bones later, Hugo was lying in a hospital bed somewhere near Albus Severus "I'M SMILING SMUGLY BECAUSE I'M SO OBVIOUSLY A BETTER SEEKER THAN YOU" Potter, who was smiling smugly, because he knew he was so obviously a better seeker than Hugo.
"You stuffed up," Olivia said, leaning over him angrily, "and you stuffed up big-time."
Hugo laughed off-handedly. "Oh, Olivia, it was just a bad day for me. I'm usually so much better than that."
Before Olivia had time to yell at Hugo for being an arrogant little prick, Scorpius Malfoy, the absolute epitome of blondness, came waltzing into the hospital wing.
"Come to gloat, Scorpius?" Olivia asked, giving her Slytherin counterpart an absolute death-stare.
"On the contrary," Scorpius said, running a hand through his hair in a most alluring manner, "I came to congratulate Weasley here."
"CONGRATULATE?" Olivia shouted, eyes wide.
To say that Hugo was looking smug would be the understatement of the century.
"Oh, yes," Scorpius said, "If it weren't for his playing today, Slytherin wouldn't have won by such a high margin. I want to encourage him in his quest to play for the team – you'd do well to have him as a regular."
"Come off it," Olivia snapped, "I wouldn't even let him on the reserve team!"
Hugo scoffed at this. "She's just worried that I'll outshine her."
Throwing a look of utter disgust at Hugo, Scorpius turned on his designer heel and ponced back out of the hospital wing, throwing a comment about how stupid some people were over his shoulder.
Lesson III: Mind
Hugo Weasley lounged fireside in the Gryffindor common room. It was late afternoon, and, having recovered swiftly from his injuries, he enjoyed his dominance over the chairs by the fireplace, without Albus Severus "PISS OFF I'M HEAD BOY SO I GET TO SIT THERE" Potter to tell him how to live his life, the bastard.
Millicent and Wilhelmina were sitting with him, stressing out ever-so-slightly over their transfiguration essay.
"Hugo, why aren't you doing your bloody essay?" Wilhelmina cried in distress. "It's due in on Monday!"
"Calm your farm, Willy," Hugo said, reclining further into his chair, "it's due in on Monday! I've got ages, I'll just do it tomorrow night."
"No, you won't," Millicent said, annoyed, "you'll look at the question tomorrow night, freak out because you don't pay attention in class, you'll put it off again and hand it in a week late, half-finished and half-arsed."
Hugo was stunned silent for a moment, but quickly composed himself, and came back with "Hey Milly, take a chill pill! I'll be fine."
Wilhelmina and Millicent exchanged a knowing roll of the eyes, before getting back to their stressing.
Several minutes later, the Head of Gryffindor and herbology teacher Professor Longbottom strode commandingly into the common room, and made a bee-line for Hugo.
"Mister Weasley," he said snippily, "please accompany me to my office. We need to have a little discussion about your last herbology essay. Or should I say, lack thereof."
Millicent and Wilhelmina giggled uncontrollably. "You're in for it now!" Millicent said.
"Whatever," Hugo said, nonplussed, following Professor Longbottom to his office.
"Now," the Professor began, gesturing for Hugo to take a seat opposite him, "this is becoming a bit of a habit, isn't it, handing your work in late?"
"I guess," Hugo said, frowning slightly.
"No, you don't guess, you ought to know by now! Look, Hugo, I was good friends with your father at school, and while he wasn't always the sharpest wand in the shop, he was a solid student and always gave his work in on time!"
"Yeah, well, I'm not my father!"
"Nor are you your mother, it seems," Professor Longbottom mumbled. "Anyway, Hugo, we have to do something about this. Without proper care and attention to your studies, your marks will slip, and then the only career opportunity open to you would be paper-pushing at the Ministry."
"Gross!" Hugo wailed, "I don't wanna work for stupid Uncle Percy and his friends. I can do anything I like. I could go into Quidditch!"
"After today, Hugo?" the Professor asked. "What team would have you?"
"Hey, shut up, man, I'm a heaps good player. I was just down on my game, that's all!"
"Mister Weasley, that is NO way to address a teacher!"
"Whatever," Hugo muttered, "I didn't even want to do herbology anyway. Mum and dad forced me, though, 'cause I was failing everything else."
He almost gasped at what he had said. Hugo never, ever, admitted failure.
Recognising this look in his eyes, Professor Longbottom smiled. "You're still young, Hugo, you've still got plenty of time to plan on your future. How about we focus on the present? How'd you like to get that essay done for me tomorrow?"
Hugo, frowning, nodded reluctantly.
"Great," the Professor said, signalling for Hugo to leave, "I'll get it from you on Monday."
Hugo got up to leave, and found that Millicent and Wilhelmina were waiting outside for him.
"D'ya get a bollocking?" Wilhelmina asked, grinning despite herself.
Hugo smiled smoothly. "Nah," he said, "it's all good."
Lesson IV: The Unlikely One, As Promised In The Title
Hugo was walking along the corridors with Wilhelmina and Millicent, on their way back to the Gryffindor tower, when – seemingly out of nowhere – Scorpius Malfoy materialised, a malevolent glint in his eyes. (But what else was new?)
"Weasley," he said, pulling himself up to his full, imposing height, "I'd been meaning to have a word with you..."
"Can it wait, Scorpius?" Hugo asked, the usual Hugo-like glint in his eyes, "I've got a couple of lovely ladies waiting for me..."
The lovely ladies in question rolled their eyes at each other. "Don't worry, Hugo," Millicent said, "we'll meet you back at the common room."
Reluctantly, Hugo agreed, and was left alone in the corridor with Scorpius. "So? What d'you want?"
"I want to have a little chat with you, that's all."
"So you keep saying. About what?"
"I've been watching you a lot lately," Scorpius began, which really couldn't end well, "and I've noticed a particular habit of yours."
"Look, Scorpius," Hugo said with the closest you could ever get to a nervous laugh from him, "I know I'm fantastically gorgeous... you don't have to—"
"No, just shut the hell up and listen. You're a compulsive liar and a braggart, and I'm sick of you flaunting yourself all about the place. You've obviously never had sex, you don't get good marks, and you're shit at Quidditch. So just keep your failure to yourself – do the world a favour! You're only embarrassing yourself!"
Hugo was silent for a few moments. "Okay, so maybe I've never had sex. Maybe I'm not the sharpest wand in the shop, as Professor Longbottom puts it... and maybe I'm not the best Quidditch player in the world..."
Here, he paused for dramatic effect, and it was working. Scorpius was hanging off his every word.
"... but you can't deny how fantastically gorgeous I am."
Hugo was fully expecting Scorpius to lash out at him for that remark, but instead he was eerily silent. Oh, that wasn't good.
"No," said Scorpius half an hour later, lying on the floor of the Prefect's Bathroom, "I don't suppose I can deny it."
"And?" Hugo pressed, also lying on the floor of the Prefect's Bathroom, grinning like an idiot.
"And for a virgin, you're not half bad," Scorpius conceded.
"Haha, that's where you're wrong!" Hugo claimed proudly. "I'm not a virgin anymore, am I?"
Lesson V: Lesson Learnt?
It was Monday, and Hugo Weasley had herbology in his first period. He sat in the back row, wedged gleefully between Millicent and Wilhelmina, who hadn't seen him all Sunday, and had questions aplenty for him.
Professor Longbottom entered the room, and straight away went up the back to see Hugo.
"Well, Mister Weasley? I believe you've got an essay for me!"
"Listen, Professor," Hugo began, red-faced, "I've learnt my lesson. I know not to show off about my marks, or be so blasé about everything. Honest – I'll never show off again about anything like that. I'm going to work harder from now on so that I can get whatever job I like after Hogwarts."
The Professor nodded sceptically. "That's all well and good, Hugo, but the essay?"
"I didn't do it," Hugo said softly, blushing head-to-toe.
"Oh? So what's your excuse this time?"
"In all honesty, Professor, you don't want to hear it."
"Oh, I think I do..."
"Well, um—" here, Hugo raised his voice slightly, so that the whole class could hear, "—if you must know, I was having fantastic sex all weekend in the Quidditch changing rooms."
So what did you think? Was it absolutely awful? Too much; too far? Utterly unsound and unrealistic?
Or was it, like, the best thing you've ever read?
Leave a review and let me know; all forms of praise/criticism accepted, and every review gets a reply! (That's a Legs guarantee!)