Please stop reading if youre suffering from depression and youre not sure if you can handle the themes surrounding it.
This fiction will get very dark leading to Lena slitting her wrist.
If for any reason you feel as low as she does PLEASE reach out, if you cant reach to friends or professional help, reach out to me.
I will help you the best way i can.
You are not alone
The destruction of National City was still very visible all around her.
Multiple buildings were on the verge of collapse, completely burned down and standing slightly crooked.
Others were missing big chunks of walls or roofs, making them inhabitatable.
Lena stood on the rooftop of L Corp looking around taking it all in, looking at the damages that she inadvertently had caused.
Her jaw was tight, muscle working underneath the skin, not hearing the slight woosh of a cape behind her and the landing of booted feet on the gravel.
Lena shook her head as destructive thoughts wrecked her mind.
The thoughts ranging from 'you caused this, congratulations, you really are a Luthor' to 'the people will want to see you dead when they find out this happened because of you' immediately followed up by 'help them out, jump' but she refused to listen to the voice sounding a lot like her own, yet slightly different as well.
She took a small step forward to see the destruction better, it had only been a month since the invasion.
She sighed heavily while swirling the last remains of the bottle of scotch, deciding if she should finish the bottle or just let the bottle fall and pretend it was herself falling.
Kara stood still behind her, not wanting to scare the woman and accidentally making her trip over the edge, but she did keep a close eye in case she'd had to rush after her.
But Kara knew she didn't really have to worry about that, she realized it was just fascination, Lena looked down at the pavement below, her head spun a little after drinking almost a whole bottle of scotch.
She saw herself fall, her body hitting the pavement with a thud, blood and brain matter splattering everywhere while bones stuck out of her body.
A shudder went through her as a voice pulled her away from the vision "imagening yourself on the pavement?" Kara asked softly as she took a few small steps forward.
Lena straightened her back immediately, dropping the bottle and watching it shatter in a dosen tiny pieces, once again imagening it was her body hitting the pavement.
She was enthralled with the image her mind was giving her so she didn't hear Kara walk up to her.
A soft hand wrapped around her shoulder, gently guiding her away from the edge and chasing the visions out of her mind.
"Lena?" She spoke softly, scared to spook the young woman in front of her "are you okay?"
Lena looked at the blonde in front of her, eyes filled with concern, cape gently fluttering in the air.
She tried to speak but her words got stuck in her throat so she simply shrugged her shoulders while she looked down.
Kara's hand didn't move from its spot on her shoulder, squeezing gently, trying to get her attention.
"Do you want me to take you home?" Lena bit her lip as it began to tremble and she nodded her head almost unnoticeably, she took a few small steps forward while her arms slightly lifted up for a hug.
Kara took the hint and swept her up in a tight hug, Lena nuzzled her face in the crook of Kara's neck, for a moment not caring about showing her weakness to the superhero.
A small content sigh escaped both women as Kara rest her head against Lena's "hold on tight" she whispered in her ear and waited until she felt Lena's grip increase and slowly took off into the sky.
Kara flew slowly, knowing that Lena doesn't like to fly "we're almost there" she spoke softly into her ear, her arms squeezing around Lena's waist.
She felt Lena nod against her shoulder, her own arms tightening as she felt the arms around her tighten their grip.
"We're here" she said as their feet touched down on the balcony of Lena's apartment, but Lena refused to move so they stood there for a while, not talking, just holding each other.
Kara's fingers started making soothing motions on Lena's waist, moving her hands up and down when she felt her shiver.
"Are you cold?" She asked in a hushed tone, almost scared to talk in a regular volume.
Lena nodded wordlessly and Kara guided her to the door, a hand perched on her lowerback as Lena unlocked her door and stepped inside.
Kara stayed outside, mentally debating with herself, she didn't want to go but she couldn't stay as Supergirl.
It seemed that Lena caught on and held out her hand as she spoke "Please don't leave, Kara. I need you here"
Kara's mouth fell open as she tried to stutter out a sentence while taking Lena's hand "H-how long have you known?" She breathed out.
Lena smiled a small fond smile "a while now. I'm not mad, Kara. I get it" she frowned "I get it, now. I was mad first. But I'm not anymore" she said as they walked hand in hand to the bedroom and Kara sported a very visible blush when she realized their destination.
"L-Lena?" She stammered out when Lena laid down on the bed and curled in on herself, so she patted the empty spot next to her.
"Kara its not sexual, its just comfort. Please?" Kara moved on her own seeing the pure heartbreak in her eyes, floating up and over Lena and settled down next to her on the big soft bed.
"Do you want something more comfortable to sleep in?" She looked at Kara and she smiled and answered with her own question "don't you?"
Lena smiled wide, the kind of smile she reserved just for Kara, the one filled with fondness and adoration and Kara responded with her own smile as Lena simply said "touché"
Lena scooted closer to the blonde and laid her head on her shoulder "I'm sorry about Mon-El" Lena whispered softly and she felt Kara stiffen underneath her so she draped her arm over her abdomen in a show of comfort.
"Its not your fault Lena" but Lena scoffed in reply and shook her head, her loose hair tickling Kara's nose and she sneezed making Lena chuckle.
"Allergies?" Lena teasingly asked and Kara grinned "yeah I'm allergic to your shampoo" she said as she teasingly poked her ribs.
Lena squirmed away from her touch giggling before relaxing against her body once again.
Kara took a deep breath and asked "what were you doing on the rooftop?" Lena's body stilled, breath catching in her throat.
"I-I was just looking at the city. I do that often actually and it usually calms me down, but now all I saw was the destruction that I've caused. All the suffering. The loss. I set out to be a force for good, but I've done the exact opposite"
She spoke softly, scared to say it all out loud, her fingers tracing subconscious circles on Kara's body as she tried to put her thoughts into words.
"What happened isn't your fault Lena. All you did was try and make this world better. You did what you could to help people. Its not your fault that you were taken advantage of. I don't blame you Lena. I don't" she said as she pulled her close to herself, wrapping a arm around Lena's shoulder and entwining their fingers with the hand on her abdomen.
Lena moved her body against Kara, her nose burrowed in her neck "why aren't you angry at me? Mon-El is gone because of me. Your boyfriend left to God knows where and you're comforting me instead of hating me and I-"
She didn't get to finish her sentence as Kara pulled her tighter against her own body, her arms wrapping protectively around her "he wasn't- I-" Kara started but bit her lowerlip before spilling every truth.
"I loved him, yes, but I broke up with him three weeks ago. I-" she frowned and a crinkle appeared in between her eyebrows "I wasn't IN love with him. I realized that I'm in love with someone else" she said while she nodded.
A small "oh" escaped Lena's lips at the admission "why didn't you tell me?" and she felt Kara shrug beneath her "because I was scared" she admitted.
Lena sat up and turned around to face Kara as she laid there with one arm next to her and the other on her abdomen, her hand still entwined with Lena's "why would you be scared?"
"I- I- I couldn't tell you before I told you about this" she said as she tapped the emblem on her chest, Lena traced her movement with her eyes.
"But now you know and I- I have to tell you" her eyebrows knit together again and Lena squeezed her hand lovingly "you don't have to if you don't want to, Kara, it's okay" but she quickly shook her head.
"No. No. I want to tell you. Its just that I'm scared to do that" Lena frowned and straightened her back a little as she sat up never losing her grip on Lena's hand "Kara whatever it is you don't have to be afraid. You're my best friend, nothing you will ever do will make me adore you any less" she raised her eyebrows to make her point.
"I didn't tell you because the person I'm in love with is you. I love you Lena Luthor" the blonde got out in one breath, eyes wide as she took in the blank stare Lena had.
"Kara I-" Lena started but swallowed the words and Kara swallowed nervously, tears threatening to spill when Lena pulled her hand away from Kara, her eyebrows pulled together as she shook her head "Kara I don't-"
Kara felt her heart break in that moment and she averted her eyes, looking everywhere but at Lena as she sat up, eyes glossy with unshed tears, her jaw tense.
"I-I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything. I- I'll go. I'm sorry Lena" she said as she stood up from the bed and walked away, leaving Lena sitting on the bed with her mouth open and tears streaming down her face.
Kara left with an audible swoosh of the cape and for a moment she swore she heard a sob coming from the livingroom before everything went dead silent.
Lena fell forward, her head on the mattress, still sitting on her knees while heavy sobs broke through her body, her hands gripping the sheets in tight fists.
When the sobs finally subsided she sat up, determination in her eyes as she walked to the livingroom and wrote down what was on her mind.
When she felt statisfied with the letter she put it in a enveloppe and sealed it, writing Kara's name on it and kissing it, leaving her lipstick next to the name.
She walked to the bathroom and leaned on her hands and stared at herself in the mirror, but the person looking back at her wasn't the person she was used to seeing.
Her eyes were empty, staring straight ahead, emotionless, lifeless.
She swallowed thickly as she saw Kara's eyes in the mirror looking completely heartbroken as she was rejected after bearing her heart out.
Lena had took her heart, tore it in two and then had given it back, Kara left before Lena could explain herself and why would she blame her?
She was the bigger coward, she didn't even have the balls to let Kara know how madly in love she is with her and now she had ruined everything and there was no chance for them to get together anymore.
She punched the mirror trying to erase the memory of Kara's eyes looking so broken at her.
The glass shattered on the impact, pieces falling out of it as the mirror completely cracked through, pain shot through her knuckles and she cried out in pain when her knuckles impacted with the sharp edges.
When she pulled back there was a big smudge of blood in the deadcentre of the cracks and as she looked at her still clenched fist that was now completely covered in blood, her mind was now completely focussed on the physical pain throbbing from her fist to her wrist to her elbow, the pain in her head forgotten for a moment.
She flexed her fingers, blood flowing freely over her hand now and her eyes drifted from the cuts on her hand to one of the long pieces that fell out of the mirror and back to her hand as she turned it over and let her eyes drift down to her wrist.
Her mind drifted to every moment in her life where she let herself or others down, to moments of failure, to the past times she had cut herself.
Her jaw was set as she remembered the signs of her brother losing sight of reality and becoming a mass murderer obsessed with killing Superman.
Her nostrils flared as she remembered choosing to save Kara instead of Jack, pushing the button that would end his life.
Her injured hand clenching in a tight fist as memories of Rhea using her insecurities against her flooded her mind.
Her other hand clenching the glass shard so tightly it cut in her hand when she thought of her mother continuously using her and then claiming all credit for the work that she had done to protect this city.
Her hand brought the shard to her wrist as she saw Kara laying in front of her, scared and vulnerable.
Her eyes closed as she saw Kara cry and her hand moved on its own and cut a vertical line on her wrist and she watched the blood seep out from the cut, her eyes blank.
She felt the sting of the cut, but her face showed nothing of the pain, her teeth grinding slightly at the skin parting underneath her touch.
Her hand released the pressure of the shard when she brought it back to where her wrist connects to her hand and brought it back down and pressed again, this time with more force as she heard Kara's sob enter her mind again and her hand slowly moved up not releasing the pressure.
"LENA!" she heard a frantic shout behind her and before she realized it she was seated on the toilet with a towel tightly wrapped around her wrist.
"Rao Lena! What were you thinking!?" Kara practically yelled at her while she kept pressure on the cuts trying to reach through to the now unresponsive brunette.
"Don't move. I will be right back. Stay here Lena. Please" Kara begged her as she turned and superspeeded out the bathroom, through the bedroom and the livingroom and then sonicboomed as soon as she was at a safe distance.
She came back not even thirty seconds later holding a flushed Alex Danvers "Kara slow down, what are you saying? What happened to Lena?" She asked concerned, Lena could hear them but she didn't register what they were saying.
"Lena tried to commit suicide. She cut her wrist" she could hear Kara's voice becoming louder quickly followed by rushing footsteps.
She felt hands on her arm and running footsteps falter as they came in the bathroom, Alex gasped in surprise as she entered the spacious room, taking in the broken mirror and the blood covered shard in the sink.
Blood had dropped on the white marble top around the sink and a small puddle of blood was still in the sink, as Alex looked at the mirror she saw the bloody print of Lena's fist in the middle of it and was momentarily impressed by the brute strength before changing into doctor mode and grabbing the emergency kit that Kara had grabbed in her haste.
"Kara move over" she said as she kneeled down to take Lena's injured hand and carefully peeled the towel away.
A sigh left her lips as she saw the two jagged cuts on the wrist, thankfully already starting to clot because of the towel being so tightly wrapped around it "well done Kara, she didn't hit an artery. It wouldn't be closing then already" she said before grabbing the local anestic from the case and numbed the area surrounding the cut before stitching it back together.
"She needs help, Kara. Not just from us. She needs professional help" Kara nodded at her sister and asked "is she going to be okay?" as she glanced down, watching Alex clean the cuts made from the impact with the mirror.
Kara was crouching next to Lena, a hand on her shoulder and the other on the side of her face, pressing her head against her shoulder.
Alex nodded "it shouldn't scar. But she can't be alone right now Kara" she looked at Lena, eyes concerned when she saw she still had the dead stare.
"This doesn't happen out of nowhere, Kara. She must have struggled with this for a while. What happened? I thought you were with her?" She asked as she gently grazed Lena's cheek trying to get some kind of response from her, not succeeding she grabbed her flashlight and shone in her eyes, her pupils dilating as they should "she's in shock" Alex stated "Help me get her to bed" she said after she had cleaned and bandaged her hand, covering the wounds.
"Lena, I'm going to carry you to bed now. We're not going to fly, I'm just putting you into bed" she spoke softly into her ear before gently picking her up, almost afraid that she might fall apart with the slightest movement.
"Alex can you pull the covers down?" she asked at the same time as Alex grabbed the covers and they shared a small smile as Kara carefully laid Lena down and tucked her in, a soft content sigh escaped Lena's lips as her eyes fluttered closed after the days events.
"Sleep tight Lena. I'll be right here if you need anything" she whispered after planting a soft kiss on the top of her head.
The sisters went to the livingroom, keeping the door to the bedroom open in case they had to rush back to her.
Alex looked around the big room and sat down on the couch while Kara lingered in the doorframe keeping watch over Lena, Alex' eyes narrowed on the enveloppe in front of her.
"Kara." She said and her attention snapped up to her, hearing the strain and she was beside her in a second and looked at where Alex was pointing at.
Her heart stopped for a moment when she saw Lena's neat handwriting and the lipstick next to her name.
She picked it up with trembling hands and turned it over ripping the seal and taking the letter out of it.
Kara.
Please don't hate me for what I did.
I just couldn't take it anymore.
Nothing I have ever done was good enough.
Every good memory I have is tainted with a bad one.
Its not the alcohol talking, it just made me see clearly.
I've been thinking about this for a while now.
But this little light kept popping up when I needed her to.
You're my light, Kara, you have been from the moment you walked into my office.
I couldn't tell you because I didn't want you to be engulfed by my darkness.
No matter what I do, I'm not worthy of you, Kara, I am the opposite of what you are.
The darkness to your light.
The moon to your sun.
I'm the villain to your hero.
I'm a Luthor.
Your families enemy and I hate that more than anything.
Kara there is nothing on this earth that I love more than you.
Please understand that what I did was not because of you, but because the pain just got too much.
You're my light and I shut you off.
I have never seen your eyes so broken and so hurt.
And it kills me that it happened because of me.
I love you Kara.
My attorney will be contacting you soon.
My company is yours, I trust that you will do nothing but the best for L Corp.
Kara I'm sorry.
Please don't blame yourself, this was all me.
Lena
A heavy sob broke free from Kara as she dropped the letter on her lap and Alex immediately took her into her arms, whispering soothing words into her ear.
"She did it be-because of- because of me. Alex. I'm the re-reason. I-I left too soon. I didn't le-let her finish and I jumped to conclusions. I tho-thought she was t-turning me down" she cried into Alex' shoulder, her whole body shaking from the tears.
"No Kara I dont believe that for a moment. I don't believe that someone as pure as you could be the reason for someone losing their battle. You're an inspiration, not just because of this-" she rest her hand on the emblem "-but because of your personality of both Kara Danvers AND Kara Zor El"
Kara shook her head wildly "its in the letter, read it" and Alex carefully picked it up and read it, continueing the soothing circles on her shoulder as she held her tight.
"Oh Kara" she breathed as she put the letter down on the table "I'm so sorry sweetie. Hey look at me" she said as she felt Kara's sobs become more frantic.
"This isn't on you and it isn't on her. Depression can cause so much harm without anyone realizing it. She can laugh and joke among friends and when home completely break down. You help her, she said so in the letter an-" Kara stood up, shaking her sisters hand off of her.
"She blames me for running away! It got scary and I ran while she said she needed me. I ran. I left her alone. I left her, Alex" tears streamed down as she collapsed to her knees and Alex rushed over to her.
"No no Kara thats not what she wrote. She blames herself, not you, she's angry at herself for hurting you. The last part 'please don't blame yourself' thats her still protecting you even if she cant protect herself. Thats not her blaming you, Kara. Thats her loving you"
They sat like that on the floor for a while, not saying anything, just sitting there.
Kara's sobs had subsided and she said "you should go home and sleep. I'll stay here, keep an eye on Lena" Alex just looked at her little sister intently "I'll be okay, I promise Alex"
And with that they stood up and hugged "take care of yourself sis" she said as she held her face in her hands and kissed her forehead "I'm only a call away" she followed with a teasing smile.
"Thats my line" Kara playfully pouted as she walked Alex to the door and let her out.
She returned to the bedroom and watched Lena's chest rise and fall as she slept peacefully, she sighed as she looked behind her in the bathroom and went to clean up the blood that had collected on the floor and the countertops.
It took a while to have everything cleaned up and when she went to pick up all the shards to throw them away a sob broke free, hunching down on the counter, mimicking the pose that Lena had not too long ago.
"Oh Lena" she sighed as she she silently shook her head "why didn't you reach out?" She took in the broken mirror and sighed as she straightened up and walked back to the bedroom.
She sat against the bedside table, not want to intrude on her personal space, but not wanting to leave her side either and she fell into a light slumber listening to Lena's heartbeat.
Lena woke up in the middle of the night, her eyes fluttering open in confusion of feeling the soft sheets around her, her brows furrowed as she looked around and saw Kara leaning against her bed, her head on the mattress near her chest.
She moved her hand to stroke Kara's hair but stopped when she saw the bandage, manouvering her hand so she could inspect the work and realized it was done by a professional and assumed that Alex must've done it and she stared at it for a while, eyes glazing over.
"Alex stitched you up" a soft and hoarse voice came from next to her and she let her arm fall down on the bed, her fingertips grazing Kara's, wincing a little as the skin on her wrist stretched.
"Are you okay? Does it hurt?" soft scared eyes looked up at Lena, trying to school her face into a neutral expression and Lena sighed.
"A little" she replied avoiding the first question that Kara had asked and she bit her lip in response.
"Lena, why?" she turned away from Kara, refusing to look into those caring eyes that she knew so well "Lena please look at me" but no response came safe for a sniffle so she continued "you know I will just climb in bed with you and make you look at me" Kara said with a small smile as Lena turned her head and looked at her.
"Hey you" she whispered as she tucked away a stray lock of hair behind her ear and Lena leaned into her hand, drinking up Kara's warmth.
"I'm sorry Kara. I- it was stupid. I shouldn't ha-" her voice got drowned out by a sob and her bandaged hand shot to her eyes covering them as tears fell out and Kara jumped into bed and took her into her arms.
"Its okay Lena. I'm here. I've got you. I'm going to help you through this. I love you and I got your back okay. You can lean on me. Always" she whispered as Lena's uninjured hand took a firm grasp on her cape and wrapped herself into her body, her nose in her neck.
There were silent tears pooling on her neck making Kara repeat her soothing words until Lena calmed down "whenever you're ready, you can talk to me. But I will ask one thing of you, Lena. Please promise me you'll get help, please" Lena nodded wordlessly and whispered "I promise"
Lena shifted so she could look at Kara "how long can you be here?" her voice was small and filled with hurt and Kara responded "for as long as you'll want me here. J'onn is covering Supergirl duties. You're more important Lena" she said as she gave a small peck on the top of her head.
"Come here" she said and opened her arms to hold Lena again "take from me whatever you need. I won't go anywhere, I promise" she said softly as Lena cuddled close into her chest listening to Kara's heartbeat.
"How did you know what I was doing?" she asked curiously and Kara blushed and said.
"When I fly around to do rounds I always fly by the people I love to make sure they're okay. I just quickly check if they're safe and then fly on. It's just their heartbeat I listen to, I dont spy on them. But your heartbeat sounded off, it wasn't restful but it wasn't a scared beat either so I used my X Ray vision and saw you"
Kara sighed heavily as her arms engulfed Lena and hled her tightly "thank you" she whispered into her chest.
She fell back asleep on Kara, arms and legs entwined with each other, Kara fell asleep soon after while listening intently to Lena's breathing and heartbeat.
They woke up two hours later but neither moved, enjoying the feel of their bodies pressed into each other, Kara was making random motions on her back relaxing Lena fully.
"I read the letter" Kara spoke softly and she felt Lena stiffen "you would seriously leave me the company?" She asked with nothing but awe in her voice "why? I have absolutely zero experience with being a CEO. How can you be so sure I wouldn't ruin the company?" she continued as her fingers played with Lena's hair softly scratching her scalp.
A mixture of a scoff and chuckle escaped Lena "I am one hundred percent sure you wouldn't ruin L Corp. You're responsible, trustworthy, eager to learn, so I have no doubt that you would learn how to run a company in no time. And you care so deeply about the city's wellbeing that I know you would do whats best" Kara squeezed her arm a little tightly around her body in a silent thank you.
"Lena?" a hum was made in acknowledgement "I don't want the company if I can't be by your side. If I'd get to run L Corp I want it to be together with you. It would feel too wrong otherwise" Lena sat up, her uninjured hand entwining with Kara's hand.
"Kara? Would you like to be my C.O.?" Kara's eyebrows shot up as her eyes widened in disbelief "you want me to be the co owner of L Corp?" disbelief was written across her face.
Lena bit her lip as she nodded "this" she held up her bandaged hand "has nothing to do with it, before you ask. I've been researching if its possible to have a C.O. that isn't part of the company because you inspire me Kara. Not just as Supergirl, but you! You're so good, so pure at heart and its amazing. You amaze me, Kara Danvers. You shine a light into my darkness and you make me see that the road I'm on isn't the right one and you steer me away even though you don't always realize that and inadvertently you do whats vest for the company even though you're not a part of it. I have nothing but faith in you with L Corp"
A single tear fell from Kara's eyes as she nodded "I- I would be honoured, Lena" she said as she also sat up, a hand stroking her cheek "can I- can I kiss you? Its okay if you don't wa-" but she didn't get to finish her sentence as Lena's lips were softly pressed on hers.
It wasn't needy or desperate, it was a soft and a slow press of lips, making sure both women knew that they were loved, deeply and passionately.
When Lena pulled away she rest her forehead against Kara "on monday I'm making a appointment with the psychiatrist. I want this, you and me together, but I want to be okay before we do. I love you, but I need to love myself before I can wholly love you. So I guess what I'm asking is if you would be okay to wait. Wait for me. I want to be healed first"
Kara nodded quickly "you set the pace, Lena. You tell me how far you want to take it. You set the boundaries. If you only want to hug, we'll hug. If you want to kiss, we'll kiss and if at ANY point you feel its going too fast then tell me and I will stop" Lena's eyes teared up and she lunged forward, her lips collapsing with Kara's as their tears mixed together while tongues met tongues and gasps filled the room.
Lena pulled away from Kara, breathing deep and chest heaving, she licked her lips as her eyes remained closed.
Kara sat across from Lena, a arm outstretched and her hand still on her cheek, keeping her distance until told otherwise.
Her thumb started tracing her cheekbone and Lena smiled lazily "I love you Lena" was whispered "I love you too, Kara" was said in the same volume and Kara smiled widely at the words.
"Want to watch a show on Netflix? Or maybe a Disney movie since they're pulling all the Disney movies soon" Kara asked the younger woman "I always watch Disney movies if I'm feeling down" she added and Lena chuckled, muttering a "of course you do" which did not go undetected earned a playful pout.
"I'd like a Disney movie, your choice. I've never seen any, so pick your favorite." Kara was shocked at the admission and said "okay we're watching Lilo And Stitch first!"
They comfortable laid in each others arms, both now dressed in a loose shirt and pants, on the couch as they watched the movie, enjoying the quality time spend together, no pressure on them from anyone just able to completely be themselves.
Kara never left her side except to go to the bathroom and to open the door to collect the take out.
Though she wouldn't say it loud just yet, she was glad the blonde didn't leave her side once at all and was even more grateful that when Monday came rolling in she sat next to her holding her hand as she made the appointment.
When she hung up she softly kissed Kara on the lips and said "thank you. For everything" Kara smiled and nodded while tangling her fingers through her hair and whispered "always" as she rest her forehead on hers.