Hello!! I've been around this site for a couple of years now, but this is my first submission.
Once again, this is based on spoliers for Season 6 - whether they are real spoilers or ones put out by TPTB to catch the fans' attentions.
Just to clarify, I own nothing (like you didn't already know!) Any and all mistakes are purely my own.
A Speed Bump Along the Way
Sometimes Danny Messer couldn't believe his tendencies toward bad luck.
Baseball career gone in a bench-clearing incident. Shooting at an undercover cop. His DNA found in a grave site under a football field in Jersey. Taken hostage by an Irish gang the morning after finally sleeping with Lindsay Monroe – on his pool table no less. Almost losing Lindsay in the aftermath of Ruben Sandoval's death and his actions thereafter. Just when he finally thought he was coming out on top, with Lindsay as his wife and their beautiful daughter Lucy, he got pulled back down again, and this time he could do little more than wait.
On that fateful day that Detective Angell was killed, he was involved in three shootouts: it was the third one that caught up to him. In that moment when the shooting started, his first instinct was to push Lindsay to the floor and cover her body with his own. His plan had worked – Lindsay came out of it with only some bruises from the impact and minor cuts from the flying glass – but he blacked out not long after feeling two bullets rip through his back. Most of the time afterwards he still couldn't remember, save for Lindsay's voice pleading with him to stay with her and Lucy and Mac's voice calling for somebody to get an ambulance.
His next clear memory was of waking up in the hospital, with Lindsay looking so worn out in a chair next to the bed and him not having any feeling in his legs. The look in Lindsay's eyes when she saw he was awake, a mixture of relief and panic, had him on edge immediately. He barely listened to the doctor as he explained that the paralysis was only temporary, instead choosing to focus on Lindsay's loving face, but he did hear the doctor say that it could be a year or more until he was finally back at one hundred percent.
Danny had effectively been clinging to the idea that the wheelchair was only temporary ever since, but the slowing healing progress was not helping his demeanour any. Neither were the restrictions that the chair placed on him. He was working again, but stuck processing in the lab all day long. Getting around the lab was proving to be quite a challenge too, as was processing when the things he needed were at a level out of his reach.
Danny often mused, on better days, that his frequent need for assistance with one thing or another was some form of cosmic payback for all the times that he had been too proud, stubborn, or just plain stupid to seek help. However, those 'better days' were becoming more and more infrequent as of late, leaving him feeling more and more resentful of all the help he needed, as well as more resentful toward the people who were offering it.
Life at home was only slightly better, because there he had some of the implements that made his life a little easier (support bars around the toilet like in a handicapped bathroom stall, a bath chair set up for him to sit on in the shower, etc.), but he still faced the unreachable cupboards that he encountered everyday at work, among other things. His home life, however, was plagued by something else, something that he was afraid to voice aloud to anyone else.
For some time, effectively ever since the incident, Danny had felt overwhelming guilt about what his situation was doing to Lindsay, who on top of being a CSI, a new mother, and a newlywed, was now also his caregiver. He could see that his situation was taking its toll on Lindsay, no matter how hard she tried to fight or deny it, which only served to make Danny want to push his rehab and recovery.
Unfortunately, his pushing had led to several setbacks, throwing Danny further into his guilt until it grew to include self-pity at some points and pure anger at others over his body's lack of significant response. Eventually, this cycle of guilty, pity and anger pushed Danny to his breaking point, and he lashed out at his first available target - Lindsay.
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Danny rolled himself into the kitchen to get himself a snack and a drink, and when Lindsay realized what he was likely after, she called after him. "Hey babe, you need any help?"
In response, Danny slammed the fridge closed, causing Lindsay to spring up from the couch to see what had happened. Before she could open her mouth to ask him a question, he bellowed, "Fuck, Lindsay, stop smothering and coddling me! Just because I'm in this damn chair doesn't mean I can't do things all by myself anymore!"
Lindsay, who had grown accustomed to Danny's outbursts as of late (but had never encountered one this bad), tried to backtrack. "I was only asking if you needed help, not running in to do everything for you. You could have just said no."
"Well, I don't need anyone's help, I can do this all by…"
Recognizing how he was likely going to finish that sentence, Lindsay's eyes registered hurt before the anger quickly flared up and she cut him off.
"You selfish bastard, nobody's trying to help you out because of some sense of pity! Everyone wants to help you as much as they can so you can focus all your energy on recuperating. But just about everyone in the lab is growing tired of you lashing out at them because you assume their motives are elsewhere. I hate to break it to you, Danny, but you're the only person who feels any bit of pity for you and your situation.
"The rest of us are all trying to focus on the positive, i.e. you're alive and you're getting better, slowly but it is happening. I get that that notion may be difficult for you to see from your perspective, but you are only making it worse by continually pushing yourself. I've tried to get you to stop doing it, but you push me away every time I try. I thought you had changed, were at least trying to let me in, but apparently I was wrong. You go ahead and keeping pushing me away like you always do, and see how far it gets you. Call me when you decide to pull your fucking head outta your ass!"
Danny's anger was re-ignited by her parting blow, but before he could respond, he was cut off by Lucy's shrill cries after being woken up by her parents' raised, angry voices. Without another word, Lindsay turned and headed to Lucy's room, slamming the door after herself. Lucy's cries ceased, and Lindsay re-emerged minutes later, not sparing a look in Danny's direction as she headed to their bedroom and closed the door, softer this time but forceful enough to convey to Danny that she did not want him to follow her.
Danny made no moves to go after her anyway, instead choosing to go look in on Lucy, who he hoped was asleep again after their heated exchange. With much effort, Danny pulled himself up onto the edge of the crib and balanced there as best as he could so he could properly look at his sleeping daughter. Reaching out to rub her belly, he was surprised when her eyes drifted open momentarily to see who was delivering the calming gesture and he watched her whole face lit up at the sight of her daddy before her lids grew heavy again and closed.
Unable to take the stress anymore, Danny lowered himself back into the chair and continued to watch her through the crib bars. He knew Lindsay was right about everything she had said, especially after hitting on his biggest issue: staying positive. It seemed that the longer he stayed in the wheelchair, the harder it was to be optimistic. At this point, he was only trying to stay positive for the benefit of those around him, but the façade wasn't really fooling anybody, and he wasn't sure that it ever had.
The main problem was that deep down, he feared that he would never recover enough to walk on his own again, and he was afraid of how those around him would react to that potential prospect.
For some reason, though, he was only now understanding that nobody around him really cared whether he walked tomorrow, in a year's time or never again – they only hoped that he could find peace and happiness with whatever ultimately faced him in the future – and as his friends they only wanted to do whatever they could to help him achieve this end.
As for Lindsay and Lucy, neither loved him any less for being in a wheelchair – hell, Lucy loved getting to ride around on Danny's lap, and giggled wildly when he spun around in a circle, he was like her own personal amusement park. And Lindsay seemed to love him even more – lately she had been sticking closer to him and tended to hold onto him tighter than she ever had before, not to smother him, but because she seemed to be afraid that if she didn't he would somehow disappear.
Many nights he had been awakened by Lindsay calling out his name in a panic while obviously deep in the throes of a nightmare, but each time he tried to ask her about it, she would shut him down and tell him to go back to sleep. However after each nightmare, she would cling all the more tightly to him, and he would always reluctantly fall asleep to the sensation of Lindsay's hand running over his upper body and her silent tears falling on his shoulder.
Danny was pulled out of his sad reverie by Lucy's soft sigh in sleep. Wiping quickly at his tear-filled eyes, Danny kissed his hand and shoved it through the bars to Lucy's forehead, whispering "Goodnight sweetie. I promise I'm gonna try to handle all this better, for you and Mommy, but for me too."
With that, Danny left Lucy's room and rolled himself to their bedroom door. Taking a deep breath, he knocked on the door, calling out "Babe…" as he did so. When he received no response, he opened the door and proceeded through. "Linds?" he called out again.
The image before him was enough to stop him dead in his tracks and cause his heart to squeeze painfully.
Lindsay was sitting on the edge of the bed facing away from him, visibly sobbing from her laboured breathing and shaking frame. Danny recovered as quickly as he could and wheeled himself right in front of her. She did not look up as he brushed her hair from her face, now able to see her red puffy eyes even in the poor light.
"Linds, please stop crying sweetheart. I'm so sorry for yelling at you like that – I got no right…" Before Danny could continue, Lindsay started speaking in a rushed tone, her eyes still unable to meet Danny's.
"I'm such a hypocrite! Here I am yelling at you to open up to me and stop pushing me away while I just shut you out myself, refusing to tell you about my recurring nightmare where you either die right there on the bar floor in my arms, or I'm at the hospital being led to the OR, where your body is lying still open on the table. I'm so sorry about keeping you at bay, Danny, but I didn't want to burden you with my irrational dreams. I just want you to focus on getting better."
"Babe, first off, those fears aren't irrational. It's hard not to think of what could have happened, I get that. Second, what you're doing is actually having the opposite effect. I'm even more worried about you because I can see the emotional pain you're in and that you're just keeping it all inside, but I don't know how to fix it."
As his words sank in, Lindsay's sobs were renewed. Still refusing to look at him, and unable to calm her down, Danny reached forward and began to pull Lindsay into his lap, despite the fact that he knew the added weight would take a toll on his legs – not that he cared at the moment – and despite Lindsay's unconvincing protests that it would be too much stress on his legs. Lindsay gave up and instead held tight to his shirt as she sobbed into his chest, while Danny tried soothing her again with calming words and a strong hold on her petite frame. Eventually, her sobs gave way to sniffles, giving Danny the opportunity to continue his apology.
"I know you want to apologize for everything you said earlier, but I really don't want you to – you were right about it all. I am struggling to stay positive about this entire situation, and I am pushing myself, too much given my numerous setbacks. I'm sure you've noticed that I'm not adjusting to my temporary paralysis well, at all, but I just feel like I'm letting everyone down, especially you and Lucy, while I remain in this chair. I know you're gonna think it's ridiculous, but I can't help feeling like that."
Lindsay's head shot up at this confession, and her hands came up to frame Danny's face, firmly ensuring that their eyes would be locked together for the first time since he entered the room. "That's not totally ridiculous, Dan, but it also couldn't be any further from the truth. You being in a wheelchair is not a letdown. It may not be easy, but I'm thankful you are where you are, because the alternative…" Pushing through the break in her voice and her rising emotions, Lindsay continued. "…the alternative is too much for me to bear. We're both incredibly stressed right now, you more so than me, but in the long run, I know we can both take it. I'll take you anyway I can get you Danny, it doesn't matter to me, and I know you feel the same way about me." Danny's head began to bob up and down as best as it could while still trapped between Lindsay's hands.
"Having said all that, I'm sure we could make life easier for ourselves if we stopped shutting each other out and pushing each other away – and that goes for both of us. We may have taken that leap and become a unit in the eyes of the law, but that unity has in no way translated into either of us being any more able, or willing, to be open about our emotions and feelings." Both chuckled at the obvious truth of her statement.
Hesitating slightly, Lindsay continued. "I have two more requests just for you, and I hope that you're OK with them. First, please try to stop pushing yourself so much. I understand that this is really frustrating for you, but you're just not ready yet. Believe me, when you are, I will be the first one to help you build up from taking a few steps at a time to taking a stroll through Central Park, trying to keep up with Lucy."
Despite the serious nature of their conversation, Danny couldn't resist the urge to make a joke. "Hey, do you think Lucy and I will be learning to walk at the same time, 'cause that would be kinda cool."
Lindsay's hands fell from his face and smacked his chest, despite the smile that was quickly growing on her face, mostly because this was her first glimpse of 'wiseass Messer' in a very long time.
"Your second request?"
"That you try and be more accepting of help from people. Maybe if you asked when you need help, instead of just getting frustrated, people wouldn't be asking you if you needed help at every turn. I know that your pride is coming into play here, but there's nothing shameful about asking for help."
Afraid of Danny's reaction, Lindsay let her chin fall toward her chest, but Danny's finger quickly brought them eye to eye again.
"I can do both of those things, especially when my beautiful wife is asking."
Lindsay blushed at his comment, which gave Danny the chance to lean forward to capture her lips in a tender kiss. Breaking apart, Lindsay whispered "I love you" against his lips, which Danny quickly echoed.
Yawning right in his face, Lindsay apologized and got up off his lap and made her way toward the bathroom to get ready for bed. Suddenly tired himself, Danny decided to follow her lead, throwing his t-shirt in the hamper, followed by his sweatpants, leaving him in his boxers.
When Lindsay re-emerged from the bathroom, dressed in a tank-top and shorts, he could see that her eyes were still red-rimmed, but the way she carried herself seemed to be lighter, like a large weight had been lifted off her. He smiled and made his way over to the bathroom, but before he could fully get in, she called out to him and he stopped, waiting for her to continue.
"I'm still sorry for what I said, even if you don't want me to apologize."
"I know you are Linds, and I accept your apology, even though it's completely unnecessary." His smile was soon matched by her own, and he closed the door. He emerged minutes later, for the first time truly grateful that the adaptive equipment in the bathroom made getting ready both in the morning and at night about as long as it had normally taken him. He found Lindsay waiting on the bed for him when he exited, and as he rolled to his side of the bed, he resolved to start trying out Lindsay's requests as soon as possible.
"Hey babe, you think you could stabilize the chair for me while I lift myself into bed?"
Taken aback by Danny's request, mainly because she had seen him put the brake on and transfer himself with no assistance so many times, it quickly dawned on her that he was trying to practice asking for people's help. Ignoring the tears brimming in her eyes, she crawled across the bed to where he was and held the chair while he lifted himself into bed.
Parking the chair next to the bed where he could easily access it, she applied the brake, walked back around the bed, and got in, snuggling into Danny's waiting embrace. Sharing another tender kiss, Danny leaned over to shut off her light and then laid back down, pulling Lindsay even closer to his body.
Each wishing the other a good night, they closed their eyes and both fell into a deep sleep, left untouched by recurring nightmares or fears about the future. Neither thing seemed as important anymore, now that they had both voiced what had been bothering them most.
So long as they had each other and Lucy, and all their friends and family right there, ready to support them at any moment, they knew that it would be more than enough to face anything life threw at them.
Thanks for reading!!