Porcelain by Rina Stewart
Disclaimer: Helen's mine, everyone else is Rupert Holmes'.
"I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to lie
So this is goodbye
This is goodbye"
--Moby
When I came to Pittsburgh, I never meant to stay. I was going to just breeze
through, maybe make some quick cash, and leave again. I've never been one to
stay anywhere long. I like the feeling of not knowing what the day is going to
bring. My father always taught me to keep moving, otherwise you'll never know
what you're missing, and I lived that.
Until Pittsburgh. For almost the first time in my life, people didn't behave the
way I expected them to. These people fought back for themselves and for their
jobs, and it impressed me. I still didn't expect to stay, though. That came
later, after they had worked their way under my skin. One day I just woke up and
couldn't imagine not seeing Jeff and Hildy bickering on Bedside Manor, Maple's
welcoming grin, or even Betty Roberts rushing down the halls trying to make
things run smoothly.
Before I knew it, they were my family, and they were my home. I resisted it at
first, but there they were. They had accepted me for myself, despite all my work
to keep them at a distance. I couldn't believe it, but not as much as I couldn't
believe Betty Roberts.
I haven't been in love since I was twenty years old. Dad and I had moved to
Brooklyn to run a quick scam two years earlier. He left after six months; I
stayed to be with Helen Richards. Helen was the girl next door, literally and in personality - she was sweet, innocent, kind, the whole works. I fell in love
with her blonde hair and blue eyes, and her sweetness. She was everything I had
dreamed I could never have, and more. I defied my father and gave up the con
life so that she could be proud of me. I got a job working with Helen's dad in
his drug store. After a year and a half, I proposed and she accepted. We set the
wedding for a year later, but she died a few months before the date. We were
going to the movies; she had crossed the street a few steps ahead of me, walking
backwards to tease me about being slow, and got hit by a car.
I was devastated. I felt as though I had died with her. That's when I met Maple;
I went to a bar where she worked. We talked a bit, I brought her back to my
apartment for the night, and our friendship was born. I left town the day of
Helen's funeral, and Maple went with me. Since that day, I never stayed in one
place long enough to get to really know anyone else, and I sure as hell never
fell in love. I was convinced my heart had died along with Helen and I would be
incapable of loving anyone else.
Then I met Betty. She reminded me so much of Helen, it hurt to look at her. They
looked nothing alike, but they had the same spirit. When I realized that I could
still love someone, after so many years, it scared me to death. I thought that
if I tried running my scams and being exactly what I had changed for Helen, then
Betty wouldn't like me and I would forget all about her. Instead of forgetting
about her, I forgot about why I was there in the first place, and the lies that
had brought me there.
After Victor died, my secret was safe. My lies would never come out if he never
came back, so I was free. I decided that maybe I could love Betty after all. I
started slowing down my con games to see how she would react, and even asked her
on a date. I think we were doing pretty good. We never had the magic Helen and I
had, and I never felt for her what I felt for Helen, but I loved her. I still
love her. When she pulled away from me a few days ago, I was confused. I don't
know what happened. One day I thought we were falling in love, and the next
she's freezing me out.
There are a very few things I regret in my life. I don't regret meeting Betty,
but I do regret how I did it. Well, some days I do, and this is one of them. I
never meant to hurt Betty. Hurting her is like hurting myself, and I've managed
to do both and I don't know how.
One thing I learned from Helen is that life is fragile like porcelain. When
Betty ordered me out of her office, before I gave her our first kiss, our
porcelain shattered and I don't know how to put it back together or if I even
can.
It was our goodbye.
_____________________________________________
In my dreams I'm dying all the time
As I wake its kaleidoscopic mind
I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to lie
So this is goodbye
This is goodbye
Tell the truth you never wanted me
Tell me
In my dreams I'm jealous all the time
As I wake I'm going out of my mind
Going out of my mind
--Moby, "Porcelain"
Song performed by Moby and can be found on his CD "play" and the "Playing By
Heart" soundtrack.
Disclaimer: Helen's mine, everyone else is Rupert Holmes'.
"I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to lie
So this is goodbye
This is goodbye"
--Moby
When I came to Pittsburgh, I never meant to stay. I was going to just breeze
through, maybe make some quick cash, and leave again. I've never been one to
stay anywhere long. I like the feeling of not knowing what the day is going to
bring. My father always taught me to keep moving, otherwise you'll never know
what you're missing, and I lived that.
Until Pittsburgh. For almost the first time in my life, people didn't behave the
way I expected them to. These people fought back for themselves and for their
jobs, and it impressed me. I still didn't expect to stay, though. That came
later, after they had worked their way under my skin. One day I just woke up and
couldn't imagine not seeing Jeff and Hildy bickering on Bedside Manor, Maple's
welcoming grin, or even Betty Roberts rushing down the halls trying to make
things run smoothly.
Before I knew it, they were my family, and they were my home. I resisted it at
first, but there they were. They had accepted me for myself, despite all my work
to keep them at a distance. I couldn't believe it, but not as much as I couldn't
believe Betty Roberts.
I haven't been in love since I was twenty years old. Dad and I had moved to
Brooklyn to run a quick scam two years earlier. He left after six months; I
stayed to be with Helen Richards. Helen was the girl next door, literally and in personality - she was sweet, innocent, kind, the whole works. I fell in love
with her blonde hair and blue eyes, and her sweetness. She was everything I had
dreamed I could never have, and more. I defied my father and gave up the con
life so that she could be proud of me. I got a job working with Helen's dad in
his drug store. After a year and a half, I proposed and she accepted. We set the
wedding for a year later, but she died a few months before the date. We were
going to the movies; she had crossed the street a few steps ahead of me, walking
backwards to tease me about being slow, and got hit by a car.
I was devastated. I felt as though I had died with her. That's when I met Maple;
I went to a bar where she worked. We talked a bit, I brought her back to my
apartment for the night, and our friendship was born. I left town the day of
Helen's funeral, and Maple went with me. Since that day, I never stayed in one
place long enough to get to really know anyone else, and I sure as hell never
fell in love. I was convinced my heart had died along with Helen and I would be
incapable of loving anyone else.
Then I met Betty. She reminded me so much of Helen, it hurt to look at her. They
looked nothing alike, but they had the same spirit. When I realized that I could
still love someone, after so many years, it scared me to death. I thought that
if I tried running my scams and being exactly what I had changed for Helen, then
Betty wouldn't like me and I would forget all about her. Instead of forgetting
about her, I forgot about why I was there in the first place, and the lies that
had brought me there.
After Victor died, my secret was safe. My lies would never come out if he never
came back, so I was free. I decided that maybe I could love Betty after all. I
started slowing down my con games to see how she would react, and even asked her
on a date. I think we were doing pretty good. We never had the magic Helen and I
had, and I never felt for her what I felt for Helen, but I loved her. I still
love her. When she pulled away from me a few days ago, I was confused. I don't
know what happened. One day I thought we were falling in love, and the next
she's freezing me out.
There are a very few things I regret in my life. I don't regret meeting Betty,
but I do regret how I did it. Well, some days I do, and this is one of them. I
never meant to hurt Betty. Hurting her is like hurting myself, and I've managed
to do both and I don't know how.
One thing I learned from Helen is that life is fragile like porcelain. When
Betty ordered me out of her office, before I gave her our first kiss, our
porcelain shattered and I don't know how to put it back together or if I even
can.
It was our goodbye.
_____________________________________________
In my dreams I'm dying all the time
As I wake its kaleidoscopic mind
I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to lie
So this is goodbye
This is goodbye
Tell the truth you never wanted me
Tell me
In my dreams I'm jealous all the time
As I wake I'm going out of my mind
Going out of my mind
--Moby, "Porcelain"
Song performed by Moby and can be found on his CD "play" and the "Playing By
Heart" soundtrack.