Disclaimer- Would I need one if I owned these guys?


The Madness of Love

Now there's a couple that needs to get together, remarked Henry. He and Trapper had just walked in to the officer's club to see Hawkeye and Margaret dancing together.

I've never seen the Major look so relaxed, agreed Trapper. Hawk looks pretty calm too.
The two men sat at the bar, but kept their eyes on the single dancing couple.

Uh oh, noted Trapper as he saw Burns had just walked in. There's the one and probably only problem. Frank. He'll never let them become an item.

Sure enough, Frank marched over to the jukebox and unplugged it. Hawkeye and Margaret carried on swaying and Frank stormed over to them. As soon as he was close enough he pulled Hawkeye away form Margaret, surprising everyone.

Sorry Frank, said Hawkeye, you should have said. I'd be more than willing to dance with you too.

Why you... you... you.

The boys are marching! sang Hawkeye, extracting a chuckle from Henry and a grin from Trapper.

I'll have you know that song is supposed to bolster morale, blustered Frank, desperate as ever for a suitably cutting reply.

Oh dry up Frank, snapped Margaret, earning herself a shocked stare from Frank and an amused look from Hawkeye. At the bar, Henry and Trapper exchanged a somewhat bemused, but marginally hopeful look.

whined Frank, he was...

He was dancing with me Frank! There's nothing wrong with dancing!

Hawkeye strolled over to the jukebox whilst Frank was gaping and replaced the plug. Then he offered his hand to Margaret with a devastatingly charming smile. She took it gladly and the pair slowly swayed away from Frank, leaving him staring after them.

After a few seconds he looked away and took a seat at the bar.

Hi Frank.

Like I'd tell you! he snapped. Give me a Shirley Temple!
The barman said nothing, just bowed and started to prepare the drink.

Lighten up Frank, advised Trapper, the delousing tent is still clear at nights. I'm sure you can persuade some poor, young, possible blind nurse to take Hot Lips' place.

I am not losing Margaret!

Ok. Calm down Frank.

All three heads turned again to the dance floor as Margaret laughed and Frank turned red. His glass dropped from his shaking hand and Hawkeye and Margaret jumped apart at the sound.

Watch it Frank! Henry called in dismay, those glasses took almost three months to get here.
Frank ignored him, eyes fixed on Hawkeye who had turned back to Margaret who was, in her turn, ignoring everything except the blue eyes staring down at her.

I'm not losing Margaret, Frank said again to no-one in particular before storming out. Trapper and Henry watched him with twin expressions of worry.

Think he's going to do something stupid? asked Henry.

Everything he does is stupid, replied Trapper. No, I'm not worried about him doing anything to himself. He stopped talking and looked over at his friend on the dance floor. I am worried about what he may try to do to Hawk though.

Henry followed his gaze.
he asked, you think he'd have the nerve?

Trapper just shrugged and turned back to the bar as Hawkeye lowered his head to bring his lips to Margaret's.
*** *** ***

Trapper sank gratefully on to his cot and sighed as his feet finally left the ground. Being officer of the day was definitely not his idea of fun. He briefly wondered why Frank was continually volunteering for the job, but quickly stopped all thinking and slipped in to a deep, much needed sleep.

A few minutes later Trapper found himself sitting bolt upright in his cot with his cot his heart pounding.

Must have been one hell of a nightmare,' he thought to himself, laying back down before he noticed the crowd growing in the compound.

Maybe that's what woke me up. Whatever it is, I'll bet it's more exciting than sleeping.'

As he approached the edge of the crowd he heard a few disjointed phrases that made him increase his pace.

Right through the tent...

Must have broken free...

Hope he's ok...

Only just walked in...

He knew. Somehow he just knew. Trapper pushed his way through to the front of the crowd and froze. The shower tent had been completely destroyed, a jeep standing nearby apparently responsible. But that wasn't what Trapper noticed. Klinger, Radar and Henry were frantically pulling wood away from a crumpled figure, and Trapper's eyes were fixed on the figure.

Hawkeye. The name of the person who had been caught in the tent spread through the crowd like wildfire and was closely followed by a ripple of alarm, but Trapper didn't notice.

His brain was screaming at him to move, to help, to get stretcher. But he just stood there, staring in horror. He didn't even notice when Margaret started crying.
*** *** ***

Hawkeye sighed and shifted on his bed, again. Trapper threw him a glance.

If you're that restless why don't you go outside and do something?

Because the only reason I'm here and not in post-op is because I promised to lay down as long as my head is hurting.

It's still hurting? Trapper asked, leaving his seat and walking over to Hawkeye. Here, let me see.

He gently probed the back of Hawkeye's head and thought about how lucky he was not to be examining a corpse. He remembered the heady rush of relief that had left him dizzy when Hawkeye's eyes had opened and he'd asked for the driver of the elephant that had walked over him to be court-martialled.

Hey, my mouth isn't on the back of my head! Hawkeye's voice snapped him out of his thoughts and Trapper moved his hands.

Sorry. I was just thinking about how lucky you are to only have a bump on the head.

Yeah. I know water can hide dangerous objects, but I never thought a jeep would be one of them.
There was silence for a while as both men became lost in their thoughts. A knock on the door made them both jump.

Can I come in?

called Hawkeye, a smile on his face.
The door opened and Margaret walked straight to Hawkeye.

I would have been here sooner but I was on duty. How are you? I was so happy when you got up and walked to post-op. I was terrified that you weren't going to wake up.

Margaret fell silent as Hawkeye pulled her in to a tight hug. He said nothing, just held her and gently stroked her hair. Trapper turned away smiling as their actions provoked memories of time spent with his wife. Their peace was spoilt when the door opened.









Shut up you two! yelled Frank. Margaret, what are you doing snuggling with hm!

I was... we were...

Hawkeye stood up, his pale face bellied by his blazing eyes.

he said, his voice dangerously soft and quiet, Margaret was here to check I was all right. She was upset by my The stress he put on the word told everyone listening he doubted that verdict.

I was hugging her to calm her down. And if you ever yell at her again I swear I will personally remove your vocal cords!
His voice had gradually gotten louder and by the time he had finished he was shouting as loud as he could and Frank was cowering.

I didn't mean anything by it, he whined.

Then cut it out!
Frank made no response. He stared at Margaret for a while and the quickly left the Swamp. He turned back once the door closed and yelled through the netting.
Don't expect me to come and visit you tonight Margaret.

Hawkeye and Trapper turned to Margaret as she sat on Hawkeye's cot.
Thank you Hawkeye, she said quietly.

No problem. He sat down next to her and too one of her hands in his. Margaret, I know you just got out of a bad relationship, but a woman like you deserves to have someone love her. Will you let me?

Tears were flowing freely down her face as he nodded and then threw her arms around Hawkeye's neck. He returned the hug with suspiciously bright eyes. Trapper threw his arms around the two of them.

Oh Hawkeye! And Margaret too! I'll let you love me! He collapsed as his weight toppled Hawkeye and Margaret off the cot.

The resulting pillow fight lasted almost an hour and by the time it was over, everybody in camp knew that Captain Pierce and Major Houlihan were a couple.
*** *** ***

The next day dawned sunny and bright, matching the mood of the camp. Hawkeye was fine, the showers had been mended, Margaret was ecstatic with her new relationship, and no casualties were expected for over a week.

Everyone was happy, except Frank. Rumour was going round that he had driven the jeep through the showers. But no-one focused on him for long.

The nurses had organised a volleyball tournament and everyone was gathering to cheer them on. Not many people noticed Frank was sulking in the Swamp, and those who did, didn't care.

It was a great game, with Hawkeye and Trapper being pulled on to the teams halfway through and continuing the game between themselves when the nurses stopped. It was a while before they got back to the Swamp.

Hey Frank.

Hiya Frank,

I don't have to stand for that! True to his word Frank left, leaving Hawkeye and Trapper staring after him. Hawkeye moved to the still.
Should you be drinking? You hurt your head yesterday.

I know, I felt it. But I'm fine, and Hawkeye took a drink to prove it. "Finest kind.

Just like mother used to make?

Exactly. Like one?



Hawkeye turned back to the still and Trapper lay back on his cot. A glass smashed and he sat up in time to se Hawkeye collapse.
*** *** ***

Margaret collapsed in to a chair, her face pale.
Trapper was just as shocked.

How can he accidentally swallow arsenic?
Henry held up a hand.

Now look. There's a suspect, Frank. But there's no proof. Just because he was alone in the Swamp for a while yesterday means nothing. In case you haven't noticed there's not a lot of security round here, anyone could have just walked in.

Now the MP's are investigating. Frank says he was asleep and we have a few people who say they saw him sleeping. So we have a doctor who was poisoned for reason or reasons unknown by person or persons unknown, and we don't even know if it was him who was supposed to get poisoned. It could have been meant for Frank or McIntyre.

There was silence for a few moments. Then Trapper had a thought.
What have you told the rest of the camp?

Flu. It's the same sort of symptoms and Hawkeye'll be up and about soon so they'll never know the difference.
Trapper looked vaguely annoyed, but Margaret looked worried.

Are you sure he'll be all right? Can I see him?

He'll be fine. And I don't see why not.
She left the room immediately.
*** *** ***



Hi. How you doing?

Me? You're the one lying in a hospital bed. Again.
Hawkeye smiled.

It won't be for long. Apparently I'm throwing it off already.
Margaret took one of his hands.

If I lose you ...

You wont.
They sealed the promise with a kiss, unaware of Frank's presence until he ws standing over them.

How dare you? he screamed, pulling Margaret away from Hawkeye with such forced that she fell in to the table, catching her head on the corner.

I tried to warn you off. I thought you'd get the message. Then you didn't die in the shower, the jeep was meant to hit you you know. Then you carried on seeing her! Actually started a relationship! So I knew I had to kill you. But you didn't die! It doesn't matter, I'll get you now.

He raised a gun. Hawkeye had been trying to drag his body out of bed and away from Frank, but now he froze.

he said gently, ensuring to keep his voice soft and steady, Frank, do you really want to do this? Frank, it's Hawkeye. I'm not a faceless nobody. I'm your friend.

The gun lowered slightly. Hawkeye could see Margaret slowly crawling through the door and he made to carry on talking, but it swished closed behind her and Frank spun round. Then he dived for the bed and dragged Hawkeye out.

Now they'll come here to help you, he spat out, but they'll be too late! They can't help you!

Hawkeye heard the door burst open and heard someone shout. Then he heard a bang and silence descended upon him as his body fell limp and lifeless out of Franks grasp.
*** *** ***

There were no tears as the jeep drove off, no- one cared enough to cry. He had made him self the enemy of every person there, and no-one envied the staff at the mental home he was going too.

Everyone's thoughts were fixed on their friend lying in post-op. Their friend who had been shot. Their friend who had been unconscious for three days.

Trapper had locked himself in the Swamp and was refusing to come out. Margaret was refusing to talk to anybody. And Henry was working like a maniac to try to keep order, and distract his thoughts. It was Radar who thought to call Sydney. He was there the next day.

he called through the Swamp door, Trapper it's Sydney.

I know who it is and I'm not coming out, and to save you the trouble of taking I'll tell you why. It's because I can't handle this place without Hawkeye. Now get lost!

Sydney tried again and the door was shaken by a glass being hurled at it.
Not one to give up Sydney was about to try a third time when a burst of static announced a PA announcement and Sydney pricked up his ears at the tone of the man's voice

Attention all personal! Major Houlihan reports that Captain Pierce just woke up! He's going to be ok folks! Hawkeye's back! The message was repeated, but there was no need.
The entire camp was suddenly in the compound laughing and crying and hugging. Trapper ran out of his tent, almost knocking Sydney down in his haste to get post-op.

Sydney followed and arrived in time to see Trapper and Margaret both hugging their friend. The doors opened and Henry ran in closely followed by Radar.

Sydney just had time to think that Hawkeye was being treated a little too roughly for a man who has been unconscious for three days before the doors opened again and more personal began spilling in to the suddenly too small room.

There was just time for Hawkeye and Margaret to steal one sweet kiss to renew their promise.