A/N: This is a work of fiction. Settings and dialog conceived around the clips and print interviews for the independent film's promotional tour. Chemistry, dynamics and all the great insights they shared when talking about the project and why they wanted to be part of it.

All KPOV

We were all in my trailer. She was standing next to the wardrobe rack, grabbing a costume by the garment's edge, pulling on it, howling with laughter.

D:/ "-sitting around on those couches, the Japan backstage set while the techs were re-wiring the glass for the upteenth time. And Stella-" She gasped in mid laughter so hard, she couldn't finish her sentence.

"Yeah, yeah", D's laughter was infectious. "Stella went to sit on the edge of the couch, on the arm, and she misjudged the width of it and fell. Onto Scout, who'd been looking the other way, her face- freaked, -happened in her blind spot, this body just lands on her." I roared, and D collapsed, bent over forward, tears streaming down her face.

Oh, God, it felt great to laugh, even though we'd been laughing all day. In between shooting, laughing, looking around, knowing it was all going away.

When the work day was done we stood around as crew started to disassemble and pack equipment. We took turns going to each others' trailers and chatting, hugging, not wanting it to end; the day, night or the project. The last trailer we all wound up in was mine, the girls were talking with us, and were the last to leave, except D.

"Car service s here" C said, glancing at her Blackberry. When they were making their way to the door, J grabbed me, at my waist, leaning in.

"K, I'll chat with you soon, definitely before promo starts." She glanced toward D, then looked at me, meeting my eyes. Her voice lowered to just above a whisper, "Be good."

I knew what she was getting at. She slipped her hand across C's back as they descended the stairs of my trailer. C turned around with a wave and wink to me.

I flopped down next to D on the couch, "Uh, what a day- , fun, hilarious, but difficult, too."

D:/ "Yeah, I'll never get used to the end, it's always tough."

She looked over at me, I smiled, I was exhausted. "You comfortable, Ok for a few minutes, I wanna step out, have a quick smoke?"

D:/ "Sure, I'm good, go ahead."

I felt around my pockets for a lighter, and reached for the door handle.

I descended the stairs and looked up at the dark night sky.

I lit up and inhaled, after a long day like today, it's so satisfying. That smoothing of the edges, excuse for a deep inhale, the rush as the nicotine hit my bloodstream; I instantly relaxed, at least temporarily.

I was enjoying being outside. it was late enough or early enough in the morning, by this time, it had cooled off, considering how hot it was during the day. I finished my cigarette and ascended the stairs.

I was hyped up, but had started to wind down.

Inside my trailer I looked at her.

"D, you tired?"

D:/ "Yeah, somewhat, I am."

I walked to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, and sat down next to her on the couch.

"You ready?"

K:/ "No" She sighed, looked over at me. "Can we sit here for a while?"

"Sure," I said. She leaned into my side, and rested her head against the couch.

LATER

D:/ "I should dig out the name of the hotel where we going."

"I got it, its in the Blackberry, I just don't feel like moving yet."

An hour later, we walked the hallway to our suites. The tired, sad feeling started to come over me. I didn't want the shoot, this night to stop, not yet. My suite number appeared first, hers was next door on the same side. I glanced up as we walked past my suite door and I looked at her and gestured for her key card. She handed it to me, and we stopped in front of her suite door. Insert, light and click, we were inside. As I closed the door, I reached for the Do Not Disturb knob hanger and slipped it onto the door handle, closed the door and turned the deadbolt.

I looked around, and rolled her bag to a stop. I turned on the light in the bedroom, to bring some life to the space.

I walked over to where she was standing. She was looking out french doors that lead to a private balcony. I reached for the knob. It was locked. I unlocked it and swung the door open and motioned for her to walk out with me. The late night, early morning sky was the same deep, rich, blue black I witnessed earlier and despite all the urban life teeming in this metropolis, I could see a lot of stars. "It's beautiful out tonight" I said as we leaned our weight on the railing, our arms bent at our elbows.

D:/ "Yeah, I think I just got my second wind" she said. "I'm not tired anymore."

"Same here, I just needed some celestial beauty, this sky, to reach in and wake me up."

It was warm and I motioned toward the double lounge chair. She walked over and sat down.

"I'm gonna see what's in the kitchen, what do you want?"

D:/ "Sparkling whatever."

"Be right back."

I returned with glasses.

"Hey, scoot over, make room" I laughed and sat down.

I handed her a glass.

"So, no parent, good for you."

D:/ "No, kidding.

"How'd you swing that?"

D:/ "The shoot's local, no different than back and forth to school." She continued "And they said Ok about this, 'cause it's just an extension of the shoot."

"Cool. It's weird that it's done, isn't it?"

D:/ "Yeah, it feels like it just started. We crammed so much into such a short time."

"There was definitely stuff I had no idea how I was going to pull off, but it worked out."

D:/ "I was thinking as the girls were leaving, does it blow your mind they're real, we saw them everyday. I'm wondering if that's gonna ruin me for the next project I do."

"Kind of a drag that not everyone got what we got."

D:/ Yeah, I thought of that, especially Stella."

"If they hadn't been here, I may have struggled to interpret some of the subtler parts of the story."

D:/ "Geez K, some of the subtler parts? So much of your part was nothing but subtle."

"How did I have it in my head, I was teasing J. Ambiguity, rich in contradiction, this but not quite, that, but not in a traditional sense."

D:/ "True, and not just ambiguous but unspoken. I guess visual was the only way to go with that. Can't write dialogue for unspoken."

"It was the only middle ground between their two disparate personalities and ways of being in the world. Plus, visual is almost always more powerful."

D:/ My favorite was having a conversation about not having a conversation."

"So funny, at the same time, I get it."

D:/ "No kidding, if there was a constant, it's that they weren't going to settle for what other people settled for."

"Absolutely, taking on unknown and risk. They both made choices not easily categorized, outcomes up in the air at best. I have to ask myself, how much courage did it take to move in directions that were so overwhelmingly unknown."

D:/ "Across the board."

"Oh yes" I turned my head toward her, and caught her eye.

(Pause)

D:/ "Seems we each got half the story, isn't the joke 'there's what I say happened, there's what you say happened, there's what everyone wants to believe and there's the truth."

I laughed. "Yeah, I heard that one and you get points for being both clever and right."

D:/ "So, I got C's side, details from her, plus her book. You got J's side, and then some" D laughs, "But we've not put the stories together."

D:/ "Well F did, she had to find that illustrious middle, to be able to fictionalize. "She had background. She got it all."

D:/ "So, without giving anything away, tell me something key, that you used."

I thought for a minute.

"Ok, it was in Seattle. My ass we numb. I couldn't imagine why I was sitting on a tile floor in a luxury hotel bathroom until much later, when it made sense. Some memories are almost tangible and can be a catalyst for an understanding beyond what they are on their face.

How we were saying, visual can have more impact than language; during that long night on the floor, I was taken with how much reverence she has for people's feelings. She feels deeply, that blew me away.

Obviously, she told me about the time period, the events, the creativity, the world as she saw it, and the relationship. She has a lot of respect for feelings as energy, for physical attraction, and chemistry. She moves in the direction of energy, like a compass needle to true north.

Playing music was something beyond what we usually associate with rhythm, melody, notes, pitch, tone, etc., More than identity and creative expression. The physicality combined with all the other elements igniting something I don't even know how to begin to describe. But it's draw was irresistible to her, and her story irresistible to me. She lives following those instincts, follow the energy."

"But this was the kicker, as she talked and gave details she didn't assume anything about my history, background, opinions, point of view, nothing. It was so compassionate, no awkwardness. It could've been a nightmare. After reading the script, I did wonder if while gathering backstory, would details be difficult, but it turns out, my concerns were for not."

"Sometimes, people don't know how to get past specifics. Human experience is so beyond that. She framed language around what all people share; attraction, desire, touch, skin, proximity, closeness, fear, vulnerability, fulfillment, the universal stuff we all feel."

"I saw she believes and lives all love is sacred, we're all the same, no one is above, no one is below, and how we choose to be a channel for experience and creativity. It's the same with feeling. She built a life on a belief that she could be successful at something that "felt" right, while being told those doors were closed to her. I wanted to make 'connection to feeling' something tangible, not just as passion, but as something with a broader reach, does that make sense?

Ok, your turn."

D:/ "Let's see, there were quite a few stories, but I'll narrow it down to one."

(Pause)

"She told me this after we watched a daily or an early cut. It was an afternoon at the pier with those great boardwalk games. I love that place. She described how in many ways they had aspects of a typical high school friendship, with the bonus of attraction."

"It's was a beautiful day, they're enjoying being outside. The pier, the games, all the fun atmosphere, being away from rehearsal, and school. She spoke of how free she felt, and part of the freedom was ignorance. Bigger realizations had not been made, she hadn't yet connected the culture's prejudice to what was little by little revealing itself. She was living in the blurred lines with someone she was drawn to and connected with."

"During this iconic day in an idyllic setting as was or is J, she's testing the limits when the opportunity is there. During a playful, teasing exchange of touching and affection, caught up in the moment, a kiss between them. She becomes aware they are outside in daylight and they can be seen.

She talked about how torn she felt. At once, free and in her body but jarred awake to the prying, judging eyes of the world. A world's judgment and labeling that didn't feel authentic to her."

"Wow, you got some recall, Fanning."

D:/ "Yeah, well it was a look in to how she could be two people, when I, hey-, you're-, you're messing with me, really?"

"No. (Pause)

Kinda (Pause)

Yeah, but I-"

D:/ "Do you want to hear the story?"

"I do want to hear you tell it, yes."

D:/ "You have to make it up to me, say something nice."

"You could not be more attractive than you are when you're engaged in something that's meaningful to you."

D:/ "Do you mean that?"

"Yes, you have no idea."

(Pause)

She seemed to sense the gravity of my words. For a couple seconds she didn't say anything, not sure how to go forward. But, the consummate improvisor she is, she was right back at it.

D:/ "Ok, you're off the hook.

So, it's her first realization of being judged in this context."

"The shock, the pull away, the denial, was just as hurtful to both of them. It was a conditioned reaction, not even something she felt she did willingly or knowingly. She didn't understand her own reaction, and lived with that, until two decades later, when she finally got to put language to it."

"Lastly, since this is only between us, I mean, she wrote a book for God's sake, but still, it was implied that I'd be discreet. So I'm a little apprehensive. You may have heard something similar, I don't know."

"Of all the uncategorized, 'unspoken' that permeated however anyone would define or describe their relationship, one consistent remained, and I loved this. J insisted one element was always the same, it had to be personal.

I liked that this was understated, it speaks for itself.

Seems J could live with the unconventionality, the twists and turns, but when they were alone and 'it was on' the one deal breaker, she would not go forward until C would invoke her name."

"That's sexy, I hadn't heard that."

D:/ -Wait, that's not the best part. She said it was that, that consistent mandate, made her realize-, their relationship was grounded in something meaningful."

"I'm not surprised, it's the bridge between J being feeling based and C acting impulsively, her own kind of intuition. Kinda prophetic, going forward and seeing the result in retrospect."

I was winding down, but didn't want to interrupt the atmosphere, move or spoil the mood. I was enjoying being here with her, alone.

"Are you comfortable?"

D:/ "Sure, the balcony, this view, no deadline or place to have to be. Couldn't be better."

LATER

I woke up, no idea how long we'd been asleep on the balcony, but she couldn't have been that comfortable.

"Hey, D, sit up, it'd probably be a good idea to stretch out inside, if it gets cold." She seemed to hear me, she stood up.

Inside, I asked her if she wanted to get anything from her suitcase-, well, I guess not, as I watched her pull back the comforter.

She kicked off her shoes and let them drop to the floor. I removed the watch from her wrist and set it on the bedside table.

I pulled the covers up to her shoulders, she moved her hand to mine. In a half asleep ramble said "You're staying, right? Don't go."

Immediately, I was craving a smoke, but opted instead to fight the urge induced by anxiety and habit, and just get some sleep. I slipped off my shoes and crawled in.

I laid awake staring around the room, my mind not yet still enough to let me drift off. I didn't want to toss and turn. That can be so annoying when someone is trying to sleep.

Instead, I got up and ventured to the balcony. I sent a text to Mom to let her know I was shutting off the Blackberry.

And, a quick text to my manager to request late checkout. I didn't want to be concerned about the clock tomorrow. I had a smoke, mesmerized by the view, the sky hanging over the rolling tide that never let up, framing the horizon.

The cigarette helped to relax me. I put it out in the ashtray on the table beside the lounge chair. Wow, it was late when I looked at the time. I was ready to go try to sleep.

Back inside, the room was eerily quiet. I was still wide awake. I waited, to see if I'd drift off.

Maybe I'd sleep better if I went to my suite.

Time passed, I don't know how much.

I turned my head toward D and whispered, 'Kota, roll over." A slight (Pause), she stirred and without hesitation, slid over to fill the empty space between us. I don't think she woke up or opened her eyes. She just found that spot and settled in.

My heart pounded. I wondered briefly if the sound would wake her up.

A few minutes of methodical breathing, I was finally able to relax my arms and legs, I took one last deep breath.

I don't know how much time passed, but eventually, I drifted off.

Later, I woke up, despite being on my back, I had managed to fall into a deep sleep.

D was laying 2/3 into my side, my arm around her shoulder. She had an arm across my waist and her right calf, ankle and foot draped across my calf, ankle and foot.

She was deep in sleep, her body completely relaxed. I could set a metronome to her breathing.

Her heart was beating against my rib cage, I marveled that she was here like this.

She didn't move or stir.

My mind raced; What of when she wakes up? Will she feel uncomfortable? Self conscious? Justification kicked into high gear.

This isn't THAT MUCH DIFFERENT than all that quasi-intimate, stylized, calculated posing we do for the photo shoots and pr saturated, red carpet and promo events.

My mind continued to reel; We're dressed, we're just not upright. Well, and there are no cameras.

I'm probably over thinking it, I reassured myself. I wanted to just absorb how it felt, an unexpected side road that our time together had taken. I decided to just relax, I closed my eyes and eventually drifted back to sleep.

I was later awoken when D stirred. I opened my eyes as she started to lift herself up.

"Hey, you OK?" I asked, my hand on her back.

D:/ "How did I" she asked "I uh, don't remember-"

I was anxious and struggled to get words out.

I moved my hand up and down her spine reassuringly, smiled, "it's Ok right, this is Ok?" was all I could manage. I hoped to coax her to lay back down.

She settled back into the same spot, turning her head the other way.

D:/ "Another hour, we can have another hour right?" she asked, drowsily.

"Yeah" I whispered, "no rush."

Within seconds she was back asleep again, and I had a reprieve. I wanted to stay awake and revel in having her here with me. In my mind, I could hear an imaginary clock ticking down, my sadness was on the verge of returning.

But, I drifted off and when I awoke she was already awake but hadn't moved. Her eyes were open and she was wrapping the edge of the sheet around two of her finger tips. She must've felt my breathing shift when I woke up.

D:/ "You were deeply gone there K, like you could've slept for at least a few more hours."

"Oh, I could've."

I looked at her and smiled. I really needed to move around. Mostly, I needed to get circulation back in my right arm.

"Hey, do you mind, if you can raise up, I need this arm" I said, smiling not wanting to draw too much attention to our positioning in case it made what may already feel awkward in the light of day, more awkward.

D:/ "Yeah, sure" she said, a little nervous laugh as she lifted up.

I bent my arm at the elbow and stretched my right side.

I thought about how much I wanted to brush my teeth, but didn't want to get up yet, extending this if I could.

I looked at her, took her hand and turned on my left side, pulling her arm around my waist. "I don't want to get up yet, OK?" I said.

D:/ "OK," She slipped into the space against my neck, back and legs, her arm resting just under my ribcage.

I closed my eyes and went back to sleep.

I'm not sure what time it was, or how I heard it at all, but someone was knocking on the suite door. I got up, pulled the bedroom door almost shut, opened the suite door. It was J.

"Hey-" I said, as she looked me up and down, her eyes darting away from mine just briefly to the suite's main room, and to the bedroom door.

J:/ "Hey, I called your Blackberry. Check out is in like 10 minutes. Housekeeping was in your suite-" She doesn't finish her sentence.

"Yeah, sorry I was asleep, I'm a little incoherent. Kota is out like she's dead.

Someone extended the reservations, so there's no rush. Can I call you later?"

I didn't want to read too much into her look. However, my mind flashed on those brief seconds when we were in my trailer last night. This is exactly the scenario her comment implied, and here I am.

J:/ "Yeah, sure go back to bed" she smirked with a shake of her head. "Call me later."

I rolled my eyes, "Hey, you're lookin' at me like-" I let go an exasperated exhale, "never mind" - I'll call you" I said, as she headed toward the elevators.

I closed the door and turned the deadbolt. I walked into the bedroom. I saw D asleep on her stomach, one arm stretched across my side of the bed. I was wobbling from exhaustion and just wanted to collapse into oblivion.

I don't know how long we slept. When I opened my eyes, I was on my side with my arm around her waist. She had washed up, changed clothes and the front of me was up against the back of her. Great way to wake up, I thought when I opened my eyes. I guess she heard my breathing shift. She flipped around and smiled at me.

D:/ "Hey, are you awake this time?"

"I don't know, do I have a choice" I said as I took her hand and turned over, pulling her in for a few more minutes. She inhaled and gently said, "-you must be really tired."

"I don't want to let this go yet-" I whispered and fell back to sleep.

An hour later, I had gone to my suite and changed clothes, and we were ordering room service. She held the menu out of my reach, tempting me to wrestle it away from her. Her arm was stretched over her head.

"D, you don't want to get me started, I can take you."

D:/ "Oh, yeah, why do you think so?"

"Three brothers, and I'm taller so my reach is longer" I said as I went for the menu. She struggled to get away, trying to crawl while holding it over her head, laughing.

"Oh, hey, did you call home?" I shouted out, randomly.

D:/ "Yeah, done."

Good, I thought as I smiled at her, the last thing I needed was her parents' concern on top of what was already weighing on my mind.

I lunged for the menu, and pushed her backwards on the floor, as we struggled, she tried to crawl away in a scramble. I laughed and stood up, taking steps in the same direction was much more advantageous than crawling.

D:/ "Hey, no fair" she exclaimed, "get back down on the floor. No running in the house" she yelled, laughing.

After room service came we ate on the lounge with plates balanced on our laps.

I slipped on a pair of sunglasses as the view in the sunlight was blindingly gorgeous and also just blinding.

She was in jeans and a t shirt. Warm, relaxed, girl next door. Like when we were working, but without the seriousness.

D:/ "What are you thinking about?"

I don't answer her, instead I moved my plate to the side table, stood up and walked to her side of the lounge, motioned for her to scoot forward. I sat behind her, leaning against her back, resting my palms on the top of her legs, resuming our closeness. She sighed with a "-mmmm" as I leaned against her, while she finished brunch.

We sat in the bright sun, I didn't feel like I needed to say anything.

LATER

I forced myself to look at the time.

We had car service scheduled in a little less than two hours.

I stood up, "Are you done?"

She nodded, putting her cloth napkin on her plate. I grabbed my plate and put both of them on the counter in the suite's kitchen.

I sat down next to her on the lounge.

I waited.

After a minute passed I said "Hey, you alright?"

D:/ "Just bummed out, I was having fun."

"Me too."

I extend my arm, motioning for her to slide over and she puts her head against my shoulder.

"We got cars coming for us soon, I wanted to tell you-,

I could not have enjoyed myself more-, I hope to see you when were both home."

D:/ Yeah?"

"Yeah"

D:/ "And, we'll get promo, right?"

"Sure, we're getting the band back together. Aww, not even a courtesy laugh?"

She smiled at me but didn't say anything.

I continue, "Plus, we got the other project, a couple days at least, that's coming up."

She nodded.

I let the conversation drop. We both silently acknowledged the shoot and our time together for now, was done.

LATER

I stood up, and glanced at the time.

"I'll give you some time to yourself, gonna run over to my suite.

I'll come by when you're ready to go. I wanna do a couple things, pack, make sure I have everything."

I wasn't looking forward to walking out of here, letting this go. However, to say it was optimum and unexpected, was an understatement.

Well optimum would've been-, but considering, I'd have to say pretty close to optimum, yes and unexpected, totally.

And, working together again wasn't that far off. I didn't focus on how bummed I was to have to let go.

Car service arrived and I put my arms around her before she slipped into the sedan. I got into the back of the SUV that arrived for me, and I watched from he darkened window of the second seat, as her car pulled away.

Promo day 1

I arrived at the hotel, and was headed up the elevator when my Blackberry sounded.

I looked down, it's was a text from her.

I scrolled as I walked to my suite.

Insert, light, click and I was inside.

I rolled my bag to a stop in the suite's bedroom and sat down to text back.

Moments later, I opened the suite door.

D:/ "Oh wow, you made it" D said as she held out her arms.

I grabbed her hand and pulled her to the other side of the closed door.

I'd learned not to do anything in public that I could do in private.

It hadn't been that long since I saw her but to say I was glad to see her was an understatement.

Her face was a full on smile when she moved to put her arms around me.

She's was warm and soft and I wondered how I got through a day without feeling her close to me, but perish the thought because if I was lucky, I was about to get back in the bubble.

In my mind, my head went to-, no don't go there, just be here I thought.

"Hey, are we due in the makeup and wardrobe suite, like now?" I asked.

D:/ "Yeah, I think so, I was heading there when I detoured to meet you."

"Ok, so I've gotta freshen up so I can sit with a make up person up in my face for 40 minutes.

Also, change clothes, can I meet you there?"

D:/ "Sure" she stands up and I go to her and pull her in for a couple brief seconds of her close to me. "I'll see you in a few minutes."

I walk her to the door.

A whole day, gaggles of press shuffling in and out of the large meeting room. Questions and photos. I didn't mind the photos. They gave me cause to pose with her. I was being paid to touch her, well not exactly but it was Ok to touch her and smile, which I'd be doing like a crazed teenager anyway. This was the best part of work during promo for this project. The questions were a balance of what I'd deemed Ok to reveal; the history that became the script, my interpretation of the characters, while hoping to downplay the sensationalist crap some of the media was fixated on. I did my best to dodge off topic schlock that would eventually, one day end.

Morning and afternoon filled with questions, broken up by a lunch break, more flashes, posing, and finally, handlers called end of day. We were done.

I stood, extended my thanks and goodbyes to the people who had helped out, checked that I had my Blackberry and looked to D.

"Ready?"

D:/ "Let's go."

The studio's PR woman said "Check with your people later, an assistant will send tomorrow's itinerary."

We walked to the elevators.

D: "Hey, she looked across to me, "that was pretty painless."

I laughed, "More photo ops would've been Ok with me."

D:/ "I get that" she laughed.

"I didn't get to ask, how you are?"

D:/ "I'm good, how are you?"

"Good. Better now."

"You wanna go to dinner somewhere?, we can get a car-"

D:/ 'Sure, think the concierge can recommend a place?"

"Oh, I don't want to be rude if you have a pr person, or someone's here?"

D:/ "No, just me."

"Ok, I'll call the concie-" just then my Blackberry rang, I looked down. "Hey, I'll catch up with you in a minute."

"J, what's goin' on? Yeah, you?

Tomorrow, we don't know yet.

Sure, I can make some time. If I need to, I'll ask someone to smooth it over, Ok"

Walking toward the suites, my head was reeling.

A few minutes later, a taxi arrived and we took off.

"We haven't been to dinner together yet, I don't think, right?"

D:/ "No, this is a first."

My mind is drifting, J's call harshed the bubble.

A summons for a conversation I don't want to have.

I caught myself drifting away, but returned my attention to the moment. I don't want to think about tomorrow now.

We ordered. I looked at her across the table, hoped I wasn't staring. She is beautiful.

She caught me drifting away for a brief second.

D:/ "Hey, where'd you go" she said.

"I'm here, looking at-, you look beautiful" I hoped to strike that balance between what I'm feeling, and shooting for subtle.

She smiled and put her hand over her heart, and took a breath.

Back at the hotel, walking to our suites, I looked at her before we reached her door.

"Hey, eh, so, got your key card?" I held out my hand.

She handed it to me. Insert, light, click and we were inside.

We walked to the suite's settee, and sat down.

I looked at her.

D:/ "What are you thinking about, K?"

I scooted toward her and put out my hand, she took it.

I scrambled to get the words out "Time has gone by-, didn't know if maybe I'd be getting in the middle of- "

D:/ "No, I would've mentioned- "

"I, I didn't want to assume- "

I didn't prompt when we saw each during that couple days on set of the other project. Tons of people were around all the time. Her shoot schedule was so short, I blinked and she was done.

When we were both at home, we chatted from our parents' homes. But, our schedules never did sync up.

"D, you been out on the balcony yet?" I rose to open the doors and see the view.

"It's nice, the hotel after the wrap was nicer, that balcony was more private" I held the door open, "come outside."

D:/ "Wait, let me grab a blanket."

My mind kept drifting to tomorrow. I couldn't shake it.

We sat outside, a one armed chaise, a great night sky.

"Here, I drape half the throw over her, and see if she wants me to-, I'm hesitating, feels like a struggle, it's awkward, mostly my confidence is not easily accessible this instant and I'm nervous all of a sudden.

She sees my struggle.

D:/ "K, let me make this simple, come here."

She moves up against me and takes my hand, pulling my arm around her shoulders.

D:/ "See, that was easy, are you tense?"

"Yeah, kind of."

D:/ "What's that about?"

"Before, we worked up to this over a number of weeks, time has gone by-"

Putting words to this should alleviate my nerves but it seemed to not help. My breathing ramped up.

She slipped out from under my arm, shifted around on the lounge leaning against the chaise and pulled me in, with my back to her.

She draped her arm around my neck and rested her head over my shoulder.

D:/ "So spill it K, this is me, not just anyone, and this seems unusual for you."

"It's not that much of a stretch that some thing might've shifted and one of us would have our ass hanging in the wind."

D:/ "Well, it doesn't seem like it has, don't think you have to worry about that."

"Ok, I guess, I've not walked in with assumptions and been pleasantly surprised."

D:/ "Well, another first then."

"No set, script, call sheet commonality everyday."

D:/ "Yeah, that crossed my mind, too, anything else?"

"No, I think that's it, for now."

D:/ "Ok, so just be here for a few minutes, settled, quiet, enjoy the bubble."

I took a deep breath, and tried to relax, I closed my eyes.

My anxiety continued to climb.

"D", I said as I tried to turn around, maybe repositioning would help. I turned on the chaise, and laid down between D and the couch back. She reclined and I was full length against her with my head on her shoulder. This was what I wanted.

D:/ "You OK, finally, you can relax?"

It seemed at first like my anxiety was subsiding. I took a deep breath and tried to let the stillness settle my mind.

As much as I wanted that, seemed it was not meant to be. I could not keep the emotion at bay.

I was overcome somehow, was I going to cry? I didn't know what this was about, was it relief? My body had a mind of it's own just then and I didn't know how to manage it.

I wasn't going to be able to hold back, she could feel emotion coursing through me, starting to roll in waves as I tried to maintain. My heart was pounding, and my breathing was starting to get erratic.

D:/ "Hey, hey, breathe, breathe through it, let it be what it is. Relax, breathe.

She said repeatedly, soothingly.

I needed to sit up, NOW.

I shifted around yet again.

In my head, a blatant parallel of what this was similar to added to my anxiety.

D:/ "Just breathe, close your eyes and breathe."

A few minutes passed, I was slowly regaining my composure but I wasn't yet calm.

"Can we do-, sitting like before?"

She leaned her back against the chaise arm and pulled me in, my back to her.

"Breathe, don't think about anything."

I was a little more relaxed, but still anxious and in my head.

How could I be in the bubble, like this?

When she was done reciting the calming words and we just sat, I was amazed that she could be so still and not move. No nervous energy, just tranquil.

A few minutes passed. She moved and slid her hands down my back, and up again, repeating this to the top of my shoulders.

I got what she was trying to do and although it felt great, it had more than one effect.

It felt better than I could handle. Anxiety mixed with images in my head. I needed to stop her without hurting her feelings.

When her hands reached the end of my spine, I reached back and placed my hands atop hers.

"D", I lowered my voice-, "let's get outta this room. I'll explain while were walking, Ok?"

D:/ "uh, I guess." She's a little taken aback by the shift in atmosphere.

I walked toward the door.

"'Goin' down to the front desk for a quick second, grab something you want to walk in, I'll be right back."

D:/ "Sure." She looked at Me, a tentative smile. I stopped before I got to the door, and walked back to her, and pulled her in close for a couple of seconds. "It'll make sense, trust me."

At the front desk, I asked about the foot path, the grounds, etc.

Back at her suite, I grabbed her and we made our way down stairs.

The pathways that snaked along the edge of the hotel's property were accessible, manicured and beautifully lit.

"This is good, the night sky, deep, blue black" I said as I looked up, "and the endless scatter of all those incredible stars."

We were walking in a few minutes of silence.

D:/ "So, how are you? She glanced at me while she reached for my hand.

"I might have some insight, I'll try to explain, but I feel really close to it."

D:/ "Ok, only if you want."

"It meant a lot to me, your calm-, my being in whatever someone would call what that was-, a tsunami of exposure-, felt like it was gonna take me out."

I enjoyed the motion of walking. And, that she had reached to hold my hand.

I was still nervous, feeling how much temptation was behind the 'Do Not Disturb' knob hanger. Among other things.

D:/ "Good, I was glad there was something I could at least try."

"I'm all over the map tonight, while we're outside that room, it's easier to say certain things.

Earlier, that-, fear, expectation, me in my anxiety-, when I get in that, well- "

(Pause)

We walk for a bit, twenty or so steps.

"A bunch of things seem to be connected, I think, and, I don't know how to draw this distinction, so it may come out jumbled.

In that room, the balcony, behind closed doors, or where ever, whenever, how do I say this-"

"Yes, reach for me, touch, be yourself, I love it, love how it feels. But I might need to ask you, if I ask you to pull it back, it's not 'No' -, -it's a little less."

"And, if the evening hasn't been jam packed enough, J has summoned me, it harshed the bubble.

I don't know what I want to say about that, 'cause I don't want to think about it."

We walked twenty or so steps.

"More than you bargained for I bet."

D:/ "Maybe, but no big deal. This is life, it's complex, it's unexpected, right?"

"Right, unexpected."

D:/ "It's good unexpected, too." She grasped my forearm with her other hand while we walked.

"Well that's the backstory on the meltdown my normally calm exterior."

Later, in the hotel corridor, insert, light, click and we were inside.

D:/ "Balcony?" She queried, as she walked toward the double doors.

I stopped her with a hand at the side of her waist.

She turned around, I lowered my voice, looked in her eyes.

"C'mon, let's go to bed."

Her eyes partially closed, she took a deep breath, reveling in the sound of the words. She took my outstretched hand.

I pulled back the blankets, crawled up onto the bed, and I started moving pillows. I was a little nervous.

D:/ "What are you doing?"

"I want to sit up but not straight up." I hoped that she couldn't tell that I was stalling.

D:/ "We're going through this again" She laughed "K can't get comfortable, the sequel."

"Very funny, give me a minute. I know I've already tried your patience for one evening. This one here, another, no three is fine, and, three there. Ok."

Leaning into the pillows, I extend my arm.

She glances over before she gets in next to me.

D:/ "I gotta get up later, you know."

"Sure, we'll do the whole make up removal, sleeping attire thing. We can take turns. I'll keep your side warm, but you'll have to hurry."

D:/ "So, why not just do that first?"

"It's mood, atmosphere-, I was taken in the moment as you walked to the balcony. I wanted to-, I don't know how to say this eloquently-" I let my sentence trail off.

She waited while I searched for the words.

"I was overcome in the moment, I wanted to be-, I didn't know how to get here, except-, that was the only thing that mattered right then-, this, like this, right then, now." She seemed relieved that I was done stammering, reaching for words.

D:/ "Good. I wouldn't have known in a split second how to get here either. But, the difficult part is done, right?"

"I hope so" I said and we laughed.

"Some day, kinda long, with the travel and everything."

D:/ "It was, but I think it went well. Eight more to go."

"It's wild, to have this-, with, more to come."

D:/ "Good thing it's easy, for us, the way we are."

"I know right. So, it's not just me then. It is-, easy?"

D:/ "It is easy, I don't think it's an illusion. If you were wondering."

"Ok, you're teasing me. Well, then you must be comfortable."

D:/ "I am" she said in response and slid down from our sitting position to a full recline, pulling me along with her. We shifted around until we were just like before, in the last queen size bed, in the last hotel room. Me, on my back. She was turned 2/3 into my side, her arm bent at the elbow resting on my stomach. And, right calf, ankle and foot draped over my calf, ankle and foot.

I felt myself winding down, getting tired.

"So, am I going to keep your side warm while you do the slumber prep routine?"

"Yeah, I guess I could do that now, before I get too tired. I'll get lazy and skip it all together.

She slipped out of our positioning, grabbed a couple garments out of the dresser drawer and headed for the bathroom.

When she returned, I went to my suite.

When I was back in bed, we settled in like before.

"Oh, before I forget, I need the desk to wake up call me. Do you mind?"

D:/ "No, please, whatever you need."

I rolled over to the bedside table and picked up the suite phone.

"D, can you leave your key card so I can come in and see you before I leave in the morning? I don't want to leave your suite unlocked when I go next door to get ready."

D:/ "Sure, it's on the coffee table."

Promo Day Two

The phone on the bedside table rang, jolted me awake.

I rolled over and glanced at D. She stirred briefly but fell back to sleep.

At my suite. I showered, dressed, checked the Blackberry, and ordered room service. I tried to eat, but, ended up just picking around on the plate. Three cups of coffee later, not great for my nerves on an empty stomach, I headed next door.

I let myself into D's suite.

I stood over the bed, and watched her sleep.

Her face looked even more innocent if that's possible. However, I know her mind, the maturity of her soul and the smooth, tone curves of her playful, temptress body at rest, just under the sheet.

I sat on the edge of the bed.

"D, I gotta go." I said as I whispered in her ear.

D:/ "-mmmm"

She didn't open her eyes instead she reached for me and pulled me into bed.

I let her, as I laughed. We were facing each other, she buried her head in my neck.

D:/ "Oh, don't go."

The front of her whole body was up against me, lightly.

My heart pounded, it felt so good.

"I'm not leaving yet, we have a couple minutes."

"Mmmmm, Ok."

I had started a little bit early so we'd have time.

She fell back to sleep in my arms.

It was quiet, the room was slowly becoming light, a rare, few moments of stillness. My mind empty, my senses heightened.

I wanted to remember later after I had to walk away, her and how she felt.

I felt the emotion, the simplicity and grace of her here, now.

After a few minutes, I slipped her out of my arms, left behind her key card. I wiped my eyes before I put on my sunglasses.

I wanted to shake my visible emotion before I got to the hotel's garden.

I spot her from a across the grounds.

"Hey, how are you?" I put an arm around J's shoulder, her opposing arm went around my waist.

It was good to see her, but I felt tentative, anxious, anticipating the conversation.

"Good, you?"

We start walking.

J:/ "Good, I guess this is pretty early, huh?"

"Yeah, but-, you're on east coast time. Flight in was Ok?"

J:/ "Yeah"

"C make it here?"

J:/ "Yeah, she did. She's looking forward to seeing you both. We just had coffee before I left the suite."

"Wow, she got up this early?"

J:/ " -we don't see each other that often, it's not a burden.

And, D's good?"

"Yeah, we were up late." I didn't finish the sentence.

She looked at me like she understood I was being vague on purpose, but didn't pursue it.

J:/ "How'd the first day of promo go?"

"Fine, it was fast paced, you'll see. You're both in at least half of the panels with us, and for at least part of the QA. Our days will be a little longer. We've done this before, we all have, some variation of it. Publicity is the same across the board, I guess. You do this just as much as we do, maybe more."

J:/ "We haven't seen each other since we finished, how have you been?"

"Good, I'm good, between filming and projects, some negotiating, and reading scripts. It's great to be back for this, love seeing everyone. What about you?"

J:/ "Good. Some of the usual, writing, a couple shows. This is different than the studio or touring. But new and different is good, right?"

"Right. Hey, we could've caught up inside, what's on your mind? You didn't bring me down to the manicured garden to ask about yesterday's promo."

J:/ "Yeah, well, I can't help but feel a little bit in it since the four of us working together is the point of being here. And, I'm a big fan of irony, and the irony of this has me laughing together with something else.

I waited.

J:/ "I'm a believer in chemistry and I have selfish reasons for why it worked so well for us. From a creative standpoint, we got lucky with that. I know what it's meant in my career as well as in my life."

The irony is, it's the chemistry that brings me here to chat, in private."

"Yeah." Here it comes I thought.

"I'm speaking for myself, all adults have instances of simpatico, electricity. We may only acknowledge it to ourselves. And appreciate that we can make those connections."

"Yeah, are we getting to your visit to D's suite that morning?"

J:/ "We've talked a lot about my early life, choices I made, knocking down closed doors, all that. And, when we-" when the universe reaches down and gives us, that mutual-"

it's a gift and it's human to-, It's human to own it, yeah, this is happening, I'm in it, that's authentic." She paused.

"J, we don't need to have this conversation."

J:/ "Maybe it was demeanor or body language, something shifted and-, " She let her sentence trail off.

I felt tense. A tension that started at the threshold of D's suite and was bubbling to the surface right now, this moment. The easy demeanor that was usually between J and I, well, it was nowhere to be found.

I stop her in mid step with a hand on her arm, looked her directly in the eye.

"Yeah, I get it, anyone would pretty much draw a similar conclusion, and sure, in the moment I was being authentic, I can own that. Has it occurred to you we may have a huge misperception here?"

I felt like less was more in terms of choosing my words.

She didn't respond to my direct question. I was glad that we were walking again because the motion was good for the edginess I was feeling.

"J, I get where it's coming from, but trust me, this is unnecessary" my impatience temporarily subsiding.

"There are things I haven't said, maybe what I don't say manifests in my actions, I don't know. I do know she is herself with me, she trusts me. I like that we have a dynamic, I like our privacy.

I don't feel I have to say every little thing, and it's a break from all the invasive crap I can't control.

We haven't even spoken about certain things between ourselves. I don't want to say anything that I don't know how she would feel about not being here to say herself, or to decline saying, you know what that's like, right?"

"She knows I'm meeting you, but not why you asked to see me.

When you walked out of my trailer, I saw the look in your eyes, it wasn't lost on me, but- " I let my sentence trail off.

There's nothing I have to defend myself for.

My mind goes to this morning, less than an hour ago, D trusting and asleep in my arms.

We were walking and had turned and were heading back in the direction of the lobby entrance, neither one of us said anything else.

When we reached the lobby, I jammed both my hands into the front pockets of my jeans.

"You don't have anything to worry about, I don't know why you can't hear that.

We both got places to be, so I'm gonna run."

I paused for a second, and walked away. The absence of my making any parting affection was unlike me and was noticed, I'm sure. But I couldn't help it, I was in no mood.

I headed over to the make up and wardrobe suites. A sign was posted "Promo cancelled today."

I glanced at my Blackberry, I didn't see a message.

I headed to my suite, as I looked through the inbox, maybe I flew past it.

Insert, light, click and I was inside.

I emptied my pockets onto the suite's table and headed for the kitchen fridge. Sparkling water, glass, straw, but no limes?

I sat down. I heard the beep that signaled text and I glanced to see it was from D.

I grabbed my key card and walked next door.

I knocked and waited. She opened the door.

D:/ "Come here" she said as she pulled me inside.

"You got the message, the rest of the day is ours."

"It's great," I said as I walked in.

"I just saw you what, an hour ago?"

D:/ "And, your point would be?"

I pulled her into my arms.

"You were asleep when I left."

D:/ "Yeah, I liked that you came back for a few minutes."

"Did you get to order breakfast?"

D:/ "I did, what about you?"

"I ordered room service while I got ready, not much of an appetite though."

I sighed, and exhaled from what felt like a hollow place deep in my torso.

"D, you mind if I order now? I should-, I just couldn't eat before. Do you want anything?"

D:/ "No, no thanks, but please, feel free."

I walked to the phone on the end table next to the settee and placed my order.

"It'll be here in about twenty minutes."

D:/ "So, how are you?"

I let the silence hang in the air as I walked to the balcony, and motioned for her to join me. The view was insane in the daylight, even more amazing in the glimmering sun. I stood at the railing and looked at her, quiet for a minute.

She looked at me, waiting but looking around a little suspiciously.

D:/ "What?"

I extend my arm.

"Come here." I smiled as I pulled her in.

D:/ "Sure, she says as her arms easily slid around me to rest on my lower back. Standing, she fit into the space just even with my cheek bone.

"God, you feel so good. Did I say that out loud?"

D:/ "Yeah, silly, that's why we do this, it feels really good."

"Somehow, I guessed, I'd be jolted awake if I said it, like a kid's superstition.

And, so bummed that I'd been dreaming."

D:/ "Well, if you're dreaming then we both took the red pill, right?"

I laughed at the reference.

"How are you?

D:/ "Good, not sure why you seem so serious all of a sudden."

"Oh, I'm ah, not sure what I want to say or if I want to say anything at all.

I guess if you wanted to know anything, you'd ask me right?"

D:/ "Sure, no reason I wouldn't."

"I'm a little blind sided I guess, I got pushed out of the bubble, a conversation I didn't want to have, and I just got back in the bubble. I'm annoyed about the buzz kill." I exhaled, a little irritated, but I laughed.

D:/ "Well, you don't seem upset, you usually don't hide that very well, so I guess it's not that, right?"

"It's complicated, Um, we could just stand here and enjoy the view."

I took a deep breath.

D:/ "Well, we got that great lounge, we can enjoy this vantage point from there?"

"Ah, well, sometimes lying down without sleeping is it's own challenge."

"Oh" her eyes twinkled, and a " -mmm" capped off the end of a soft laugh.

I took an exaggerated breath.

"If I could've shown up for that without telling you, I would've. But, part of the bubble, along with 'atmosphere' and everything else that we are afforded, is that we know what's going on with each other. As minimal as it may seem, when I'm not with you, letting you where I am, feels right.

It's a bigger idea, you may or may not want to hear, I don't know.

That said, I don't want to taint the beauty and simplicity of how this is, I like it as 'I'm in what I am feeling'- , I don't want to massacre it with a bunch of words."

"The short version is, after wrap, I guess it was conspicuous that we were no shows at check out with everyone else. She came to your suite, you were asleep. I went to the door. She has concerns around what it looked like.

I didn't know how to mention it so I didn't. And, I was in my head about all of it, and having to let go that morning, you getting into the sedan and being driven away. That was a big part of what my anxiety was about last night."

D:/ "Do you think I haven't thought about it"

"About what?"

D:/ "How it would look? The last week of filming, the ramp up. Doesn't surprise me that someone picked up on the vibe."

"Well, she was all over it-, in my trailer, I got politely reminded, the next afternoon she's standing outside the suite and we've been-"

I don't finish that sentence but take a deep breath.

"And, first day she's here for promo, she's on it again, I can't get a rest."

Her hand went from the small of my back, up my spine as I lamented.

D:/ "It occurred to me that energy had shifted, I felt it, it was a window."

"I know, and I'm glad you did, I couldn't be the one to initiate."

(Pause)

D:/ "Hey, she means well, right -,"

"Yeah, of course, and I tried twice to say that she didn't need to be concerned."

D:/ "And?"

"It's like she doesn't hear it or get it or something."

D:/ Maybe since her history is so different, I mean, seriously." She laughed.

"Oh the eh, access to excess, rampant, drug fueled, adolescent, degenerate behavior run amok, she can't even imagine the alternative."

D:/ "Wow!, Yeah, how'd you do that?"

I shrugged. "I got language."

D:/ "And you're not saying it outright, because?"

"There's no dignity in having to say it, it's implied. If anyone should get that, it's her."

We stood there on the balcony until room service brought my lunch.

She went to check her Blackberry and make a call, while I ate.

When I was done, I stuck my head in the bedroom.

"D, I'm gonna go next door and brush, we could take a walk."

LATER

I knocked at her suite. She opened the door.

"Let's get out of here, sun, air, open space, I need access to some elements."

D:/ "I'm ready, lets go."

We cut through the lobby down a flight of stairs and through a small gate, a different way in daylight. This direction led us to the west side of the hotel's grounds with a walking path.

"Great, come on." I said as I ran to the start of a well traveled foot trail.

D:/ "So, eh, since we're here in all this beauty and natural wonder, maybe you're winding down?"

"From?"

D:/ "Last night, and this morning, you seem calmer out here."

"I am. I can't be wound up in all this" I opened my arms to mimic the expanse of the sky and all the manicured plants and trees.

D:/ "So, earlier you asked if I wanted to know anything would I ask, are you just about "asked out" by this point in the middle of a junket?"

"For you, I have reserves."

D:/ "You joked about being awoken from a dream, it was innocent and utterly charming, but being apprehensive doesn't seem like you?"

"Well, basically I'm kind of shy, and not always sure if I'm reading situations as they are or if I'm off base."

D:/ "So, what was my tell?

"I'm big on subtle, and you were subtlety personified. I felt you looking at me."

D:/ "Yeah, I was."

"Standing closer and lingering."

D:/ "I wanted to be near you."

"You were demonstrative, willing to reach for me, that was the capper."

D:/ "Well, we were both working, and moving through the challenge of that last week, not really acknowledging that the shoot was winding down."

"And in the most little girlish way, more vulnerable."

D:/ "I was feeling a little scared and excited at the same time"

"Yeah, me too, but the touching, N I C E !"

D:/ "You seem effortless with affection, so I couldn't tell how much of an impact I could make."

"Is that subtext for I"m easy?"

D:/ "No! no" she laughed, "I hadn't thought of that, but definitely not." She glanced sideways at me with a sparkle in her eye, "but-, it's not a simple read."

"Not all affection means the same thing. I'm glad you asked me to stay."

D:/ "I didn't want you to go."

"But, one person's slumber party invite is- "

D:/ "Exactly."

"Yeah, I was thrilled about that leap by the way."

D:/ "Yeah" she smiled.

"Hey, so- "

D:/ "No, me first."

"Sure" I paused. She doesn't interrupt or get animated often. I yielded, this was rare.

D:/ "I don't know if I can call that last one a leap, -I, eh, have no recollection of how we woke up like we woke up- "

She was looking at me but obviously shy with the whole question. I smiled.

"You want the short or the long version?"

D:/ "Hey? What happened while I was asleep?"

"No, silly, I was wide awake and going back and forth to the balcony."

"I didn't want to disturb you, so I kept getting up

I would've stayed either way because you asked, but- "

D:/ "You're stalling with the exposition."

"Oh, you're bringing work speak into this, to show how smart you are."

D:/ "Get on with it, you're killing me here."

"It was simple and elegant. Your back was to me, I asked you to roll over."

D:/ "And- "

"in one effortless motion, like you were just moving toward the sound of my voice."

D:/ "What did you think of that?"

"Well, I was thrilled, I was in shock. My insomnia jumped exponentially.

I intended just to tell you that I couldn't sleep, and maybe I'd be better if I went to my suite. When you eh, slid over to me, -well, wild horses were not going to get me outta that room."

She laughed.

D:/ "You seemed really calm when I woke up."

"Oh, that's just act as if. I was hoping that you felt as safe when you woke up as you did when you fell asleep."

D:/ "Oh God, that's so sweet." She closed her eyes and shook her head, and inhaled a deep breath.

"What about you, were you surprised?"

D:/ "Yeah, and no, our subconscious makes choices for us, right."

"Oh, so no free will involved then?"

D:/ "Smart ass! Are you feeling vulnerable?"

"Absolutely, my ass hanging- , you know how that one finishes."

D:/ "Vulnerability, it's a given."

"You didn't answer, by the way."

She looked to meet my eyes.

D:/ "It felt like all the times you touched me, I wanted you to-"

Later, inside D's suite, I was aimlessly surfing the flat screen with the sound turned down.

D:/ "What's going on?"

"I'm thinking about this morning, seems like it's not the J I thought I knew."

D:/ "And- ?"

"I'm sure she believes in what she thinks she sees, but- "

D:/ "So, what's under it, for you that you've not said yet?"

"Off the top of my head, it flies in the face of every theme this storytelling champions.

(Pause)

"No admission that a universal law is so much higher than anything that could ever be legislated. Even the words being spoken would've helped, but not even an acknowledgment.

"The inference that I have a child's lack of discipline, do I need to go on?"

D:/ "How does it look from her side?"

"The obvious? In her life, she went 'all in' at the first opportunity-,"

We were both silently aware the power of those two little words, how they sounded out loud, here behind closed doors.

She laughed.

D:/ "Well, as attractive as that sounds, and yeah, Envious Much? I was thinking something like that. Maybe she's remembering- , And from that vantage point, she finds you and I in a scenario that- "

"Yeah, but we both know that's a perception issue."

D:/ "You and I know that, so far."

"What does that mean?"

D:/ "Five minutes from now is the unknown- "

She smiled at me.

I didn't bite. She returned to her train of thought.

D:/ "Well, one consideration, is it also safe to say your will is being denied?"

This blind sided me. Oh God, vulnerability was back with claws and teeth.

"So is yours, isn't it?"

In the millisecond it took her to answer, I felt a huge wave of anxiety rush through me. She must have read it on my face.

She reached and pulled me in. Her body seemed to envelope every square centimeter of nerve endings of all my skin.

She whispered "Of course it is, but it feels less personal to me. Also," she continued, "I'm the subject, or the object, if you will. I'm not being lectured to, so it's different for Me. It seems to feel quite personal to you."

"I hadn't thought of that."

Ultimately, it didn't matter, she was right, it felt personal, and I didn't know why.