Outsider
By: The Main Slayer
I am an outsider. I watch as the world passes around me; unaware of what I am involved in and what I'm missing. I thought I knew once, what my purpose was, what I was really here for. But I've come to realize that everything I knew, everything I thought I knew, was wrong.
I watch. I watch as the people around me move on with their lives unaware of the true nature of things. Do I know the true nature of things? I watch as all the happy people move about their days; I watch as they continue on their paths of hopes and dreams. We go about our days unaware of what the world may do next. We like to tell ourselves that if we knew how the world would turn out there would be no adventure. But it's the comfort of knowing that we crave. The comfort that our lives are simple and that we know exactly what we are doing with them.
I walk and wonder what my life has in store for me. I thought I knew, I thought I had it all figured out. But it turns out, I was wrong. There was someone; someone I thought I would spend my life with. I allowed that person in, I allowed them to play with my mind and make me think that there was something. That something was possible; but, I was wrong. I always seem to be wrong.
When will I finally be right? When will I know that it's my turn to be happy? I watch everyone around me be happy. Everyone around me move about their life with someone to hold and someone to love. All I want is what they have. Am I worth it? Am I worth fighting for? They all say I am, so why then am I always left in the dark? Why then, am I fighting for someone to stop and love me? I watch as people leave and I watch as they never return. My heart feels like it's been blown into a million pieces, like there is no putting it back together.
Eyes open, I see him. Eyes closed, I see him. In my dreams, I see him. In my waking mind, I see him. When I listen to music, I see him. When I sit on the couch alone, I feel him. When I turn my head and look over my shoulder, I feel him. Whenever my mind wanders, I see him. And it kills me; a little bit each time; it kills me. Because I know, he's not coming back. I know he doesn't want me; I know that I was used...once again, I was used. One day I won't be used, one day someone will love me. But that day is always out of my reach.
What do I do? Where do I go from here? How do I move forward and forget? Will I ever forget or will it haunt me forever? Can I move on? Do I want to move on? I'm told that I'm worth it. But if I'm worth it, why does it always fall apart. Maybe one day I won't see him, I won't feel him, I won't hear him. But for now I live with it; I live with it every waking moment of every waking day. I live with my aching heart as I know he is around, yet, doesn't want to be with me. My friends don't know, my friends can't know. It is a battle I must face alone. As an outsider.