Luffy's self-control, always a tenuous attribute at best, finally snaps near the end of dinner. Giving no warning to his unsuspecting crewmates, he flings both arms across the table to where Zoro sits at the counter, his hands latching onto the back of the swordsman's shirt collar and haramaki.

A mighty heave and startled Straw Hats duck and dodge the mostly-empty dishes and half-full bowl of salad that fly in all directions as Luffy reels him in, slamming him down on his back. Zoro grunts as he impacts with the table top but doesn't fight back or look particularly surprised; in fact, he's grinning wickedly because he's been waiting all evening for the captain to finally make a move.

The others don't share his amusement.

"What the hell, Luffy?"

"Arrgh, my eyes, my eyes!" This from Usopp, whose face is dripping with the remnants of his soup.

Picking a lettuce leaf off his shirt, Sanji snarls briefly about shitty captains and marimos destroying the peace before refocusing his attention. "Nami-san! I shall fetch you a towel immediately!"

"Don't claw at it, Long Nose-kun," Robin admonishes, teasingly reverting to her old nickname for the sniper as a hand unfurls from Usopp's shoulder and takes up a napkin to gently wipe his face clean.

Nami, gratefully accepting a clean towel from the noodling cook at her side, does a double-take at the skeleton tucked into the chair across the table. There's a cherry tomato perched in one of Brook's eye sockets.

She stands to brush shredded carrots and radishes from her lap and something crunches under her foot. Her eyes narrow as she surveys the broken dishes scattered across the floor.

Sensing impending doom at the sight of Nami's clenched and shaking fists, Chopper flees the room with Usopp and Franky at his heels.

"What's wrong with you?" the furious navigator demands as she mops salad dressing off her arms. "Money doesn't grow on bloody trees, so why can't you two get through one day without breaking something? Now we'll have to buy another set of dishes!"

"Add it to what I already owe you," Zoro tells her dryly from his prone position, and she bristles, ready for a fight. Brook takes one look at her and races out the door, hollering for the shipwright, sniper and doctor to wait for him. The tomato falls out of his eye socket, bounces across the table and comes to rest next to Zoro's head.

"Everyone out."

Their captain's voice is low and husky and dead serious despite the enormous grin splitting his face below the shadow of his hat. He's maneuvered himself between Zoro's thighs, hands still fisted in the swordsman's clothing, and unselfconsciously rubs their groins together.

"LUFFY, YOU-" Nami's so perturbed she can barely speak, and Zoro takes advantage of her furious silence.

"Captain's orders," he shrugs apologetically. "Although I don't think Luffy really gives a shit if you stay or not. Me, I'd rather have some privacy. So get out!"

"Why don't you get out and go do that shit in the bunks?" Sanji growls.

Zoro grapples briefly with Luffy's hands, which have pulled his shirt loose from the haramaki so they can reach the bare skin underneath. It's not that he actually objects to Luffy touching him, but he draws the line at being stripped on the dining room in full view of his crewmates. "Shut up, ero-cook! Try telling him that!"

Exasperated, Nami flings both hands in the air. "For the love of- Robin, can you talk some sense into them?"

"I'm fairly sure that Captain-san is beyond reason at the moment."

"Oi, Luffy! Get your goddamn hands out of-"

Luffy silences Zoro's protests quite effectively with his open mouth, fingers pinching the struggling swordsman's nipples as he continues grinding. Zoro flails under his weight, back arching, and the sound that escapes him brings brilliant color to Nami's face as she realizes that he's right - Luffy really doesn't care. Thanks to his one-track mind and total lack of modesty, he'll likely finish what he's started right in front of them, protests or not.

She grabs Sanji by the arm and kicks broken tableware aside as she drags the fuming cook to the door. "Fine! But you're cleaning up this mess!"

As he's pulled away, Sanji realizes that Robin-chan's being left behind with the shitty perverts and seizes her hand. Nami bundles them both out the door before she slams it shut behind her. "I can't believe those idiots!"

Sanji fishes a cigarette from his shirt pocket and lights it. "So much for breakfast and lunch tomorrow."

At his words, cries of dismay erupt, and they realize that Usopp and Chopper have been hiding right outside the door. They're very close to the dining hall's porthole windows and Nami wonders if she should warn them before they glance behind them and get an eyeful. Now she really wishes Franky had mounted curtains over them when he'd built the ship. Ah well, maybe when they stop at the next port...

"What do you mean, no breakfast and no lunch?" demands Usopp.

"I refuse to set foot in my kitchen until that whole room's scrubbed ceiling to floor with some seriously harsh disinfectant," Sanji scowls, gesturing at the closed door. He frowns and does a quick mental calculation. "I do have enough pre-made snacks stored in the bar lounge for Nami-san and Robin-chan, of course, so the ladies won't go hungry."

"What about the rest of us?"

Sanji opens his mouth to tell the sniper that he and the other guys better go fishing if they intend to eat, but he's drowned out as Luffy's uproarious laughter suddenly escapes the structure behind them. Nami winces as the captain's voice dissolves into a throaty moan before once again breaking out in hysterical giggles.

"I'm seriously considering asking Franky to sound-proof every room in the ship. Zoro said he owed me; you all heard him."

"Nami-san, we already sound-proofed the look-out tower," Sanji says hesitantly, "And you know how that turned out."

The navigator sighs. "All because someone forgot to turn off that blasted megaphone. I swear, if I ever figure out who was responsible for that, I'll tie him to the anchor before we dock at the next port."

An hour and a half, she recalls irritably. Ninety minutes of Luffy making noises better suited to the privacy of a bedroom. And laughing continuously. Nami knows it was an hour and a half because she spent it staring at the log pose on her desk, counting the minutes and waiting for Zoro's shift to end. The swordsman couldn't look anyone in the eyes for nearly a week, and Luffy sulked for days after his crewmates told him he was banned from the look out tower during other people's shifts.

"How the hell does he do that?" Usopp wonders aloud, trying not to look as horribly fascinated as he feels. "It's like he doesn't need to breathe!"

"It's Luffy; he's not human." Nami rubs her temples. "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the library trying to forget this."

"At least it's just him," Sanji grumbles, taking a drag from his cigarette. In his agitation, he's smoked nearly three quarters of it already. "Although I swear the only time Marimo keeps quiet is when his mouth's full."

Nami rolls her eyes in exasperation, but Usopp and Chopper snigger loudly.

Sanji's smirking back at them with his cigarette clamped between his teeth, so he nearly swallows it at the sound of Zoro's bellowing, accompanied by thumping and crashing sounds.

"Damn it, Luffy, I told you no! Put down the fucking gravy already!"

"But it's warm!" Luffy protests just as loudly, blissfully unaware that their nakama are listening right outside, gaping at each other in confusion. "And Zoro told me I can't top without lube cause his ass doesn't stretch as much as mine!"

"Oh dear," Robin says cheerfully.

Her red-faced crewmates merely stare at her and each other in silence for a moment, and then Nami covers her face with both hands and wails, "Too much information!"

"My gravy..." Sanji moans, his voice full of such despair that Usopp bursts into laughter.

"Chopper, don't you dare! I don't care if gravy isn't a medically approved lubricant; you are not opening that door!"

"But Nami-"

Usopp collapses to the grass and simply rolls back and forth, clutching his gut. "Gravy lube! Bwahahhaha! Gravy lube!"

It is ridiculous, and Nami claps a hand over her mouth as a chuckle escapes her. Sanji snorts, and then everyone loses it.

"I know-" Nami gasps when she's able to catch her breath, "-that Luffy likes meat, but-"

"Gravy lube!"

Robin waits until the laughter finally dies down before she says, with all seriousness in her voice despite the small smile curving her lips, "I fear that things may not be sitting comfortably with Zoro tomorrow morning."

Sanji and Nami snicker. Usopp goes off again, and Chopper joins him this time, both of them slapping their hands into the grass and kicking their heels in the air.

"Hey, what's going on?" Franky calls as he comes trotting across the lawn, tilting his head to peer down at the gyrating sniper and doctor. Then, in all innocence. "Oi, Nami, is Luffy still being a pain in the butt?"

He's very confused when his crewmates start howling with laughter.