After the Storm Let's Talk

A/N: This contains some spoilers for some episodes up to and including 5x01 "After the Storm".

With apologies to other fan fiction writers who have covered this off screen ground between Beckett and Castle (especially ucsbdad and their wonderful "After …." Series), here is my take on the heart-to-heart conversation between Beckett and Castle after the episode 5x01 "After the Storm".

Disclaimer: The characters are the property of Andrew W. Marlowe and ABC television. No infringement is intended.

"No?" Castle asked as they walked away from Captain Gates office toward the elevator. "What does she mean, 'no'?"

"I'll have to serve out my suspension, same as Esposito." Kate responded as they both stepped on to the elevator.

"What will you do in the meantime?" Castle asked as they turned to watch the elevator doors close.

"Oh, I'm pretty sure I'll think of something," Beckett said as she grabbed Castle's crotch.

Castle was surprised by the clutch of Castle Jr. but he was glad, too.

"Seriously, Beckett, we need to talk about a couple of things. But not here," Castle responded as he put his hand on Beckett's.

"Okay, where?" Beckett asked as she removed her hand.

"I sent Alexis and Martha to the Hamptons, so either place is fine. But if you prefer, we could go to your place and order in," Castle responded.

"Then my place," Beckett responded. "And order some Chinese."

"Yeah, that's probably best. We don't want another surprise invasion of redheads to disturb us."

The elevator dinged signaling the arrival at the first floor of the precinct. Keeping a respectable distance apart, Beckett and Castle waved to the desk sergeant as they exited the building.

The early summer day had started to dwindle into the late afternoon, early evening. The city was beginning to show the signs of the evening rush hour. The sidewalks were getting more crowded with people walking to the subway or if they were affluent enough to afford it, just their nearby apartment.

Beckett and Castle strolled down the sidewalk away from the precinct. They were in no rush to get somewhere so they took their time. Once they were some distance down the block from the precinct, Castle reached out for Beckett's hand. She responded and they intertwined their fingers together, enjoying the freedom of a new relationship.

"Do you want to take a cab, Beckett?" Castle asked.

"Sure," she responded.

Since it was rush hour, there were a lot of cabs on the road, but many were already occupied. Finally, after hailing several, they got a cab. As they settled in, Castle gave the convenient street corner near Beckett's address.

They sat in silence as they cab made its way to Beckett's apartment. Both of them thinking about what they felt they needed to say to clear the air. There was a lot of hidden hurt to discuss.

Almost without thinking, Castle reached out for Beckett's hand. Again she took his hand and intertwined her fingers with his. Though this was new, the touching, the handholding, it felt like it was so normal, so ordinary yet so earthshattering, so momentous at the same time. Touching each other was something that they both could get used to and never get used to at the same time. Just a simple handholding, a simple connection between them had such gravity.

Beckett looks down on their joined hands and then looks up at Castle with a tender, sheepish smile with Castle smiling back at her. They both turn away but keep their hands linked while they think about the events of the past couple of days and the need to talk over them. But now, both Beckett and Castle knew that even though they hurt each other, their affection for each other could and would overcame the pain.

The cab came to a stop on the block near Beckett's apartment. Rick paid the cabbie and gave him a good tip, while Kate exited and waited on the sidewalk for Rick. Beckett held out her hand to Castle to hold as he strode up to her. The pair walked around the corner to the entrance to Beckett's building. They entered the building, acknowledging the doorman as Beckett pushed the call button for the elevator.

The pair nervously anticipated the upcoming discussion hoping that they would not say the wrong thing. They both thought about how they had struggled to get to this state in their relationship. They both thought that it wasn't a fragile bond because they had been friends for a while but since it was new, they were newly lovers, they didn't want to test its limits now.

The day before, Castle said that he would feel so ripped off if they were murdered because they only had one day, but they escaped and now he wanted more. He was greedy. He wanted Beckett, wanted her for a long time and wasn't willing to give her up easily.

As they entered Beckett's apartment, she asked, "Wine?"

"Yes, please. Whatever you have open is fine," Rick replied as he went over to the couch. "Any menus?"

"Top drawer in the end table to your right," Kate said as she pointed.

"What do you want to do with all that?" Castle asked pointing to the paper remains of the file on her mother's murder.

"The first thing is don't sneeze on it," she half-jokingly replied. "But let's tape together the parts we've assembled and put the rest back in that bag. We can work putting more together later."

"Okay."

"Anyway, we have other things we need to be doing right now," Kate continued with a sultry voice.

"Katherine Beckett, I never …" Castle said with a false sense of shock.

"Like eating," Beckett chuckled, "You are so easy, Castle. You look almost exactly like Louis from Casablanca. 'I'm shocked, shocked to find that gambling is going on in here'."

"That is so hot, Beckett. You correctly quoting Casablanca."

"Another one of my hidden talents, Castle. You should pay attention," Beckett teased.

Castle looked at her predatorily and was about to get up to go to her when Beckett continued, "But anyway, before you get too hot and bothered, we really do need to talk. But let's eat first. I'm starving."

"Okay. I got the menu and the phone number. Any preferences?" Rick asked.

"General Tso's Chicken and an egg roll. Oh, and tell them this is for Beckett."

Castle looked at her questioningly.

"I like it a little hotter than most, so they add a little more spice to it. Plus, the spiciness enhances the sweetness in the dish."

"More layers to the Beckett onion. I like it."

"I'm glad. I'll brush my teeth so you won't be forced to enjoy it, too."

"That's okay, Beckett. Short of you being contagious with a deadly disease, I will endure anything to kiss you." Rick teased as Kate stuck her tongue out at him.

As Rick placed the order, Kate poured and then brought over two glasses of wine placed them on the coffee table. She sat down on the sofa and then turned to Rick.

"If I may … propose a toast?" Rick asked as he raised his glass.

"By all means, Castle, propose away."

"To us, to everything we've been through together to get us to being here … to now."

Beckett and Castle clinked glasses together and took a sip while looking at each other.

"Sit at the table or here?" Beckett asked.

"Here is fine, but there is a need to clear the file off the table," Rick responded. "I'll do that while you get plates."

Beckett went to her "junk" drawer in the kitchen to give Castle the roll of transparent tape. Then Castle and Beckett set off on their respective tasks, Beckett finishing first. Castle, meanwhile, was taping together the pieces the team discovered. There were two parts of a money order and a blank set of pieces that could not be identified. Castle continued looking at some pieces that he thought went together with the ones he had already taped.

"This will take some time to reassemble," Castle stated. "We can work on it over the next couple of days if you want."

"We'll see. I may have a better use of your time, Castle."

Castle swallowed as he thought of what he would consider a better use of his time. It did not include piecing together fragments of paper. There were some more pleasurable activities that he could be doing. Activities accompanied by and with Beckett.

Lost in those pleasurable thoughts, Castle didn't hear the knock at the door.

"Castle! Castle! Get the door please. There is money on the table by the door."

"I got it, Beckett."

Castle paid the delivery with a good tip and brought in the fragrant bags of food.

"It smells heavenly, Beckett."

"I've been ordering from them for a while now. Even after I moved after the bombing, they would still deliver to me here."

Castle set the bag on the coffee table and then proceeded to remove the containers. He placed one egg roll on one plate and the second on the other. He got a hot mustard and duck sauce packet and emptied them on to his plate.

"I like some spicy things, too, Beckett. Like this mustard … and police detectives with gorgeous eyes," Castle teased.

"Oh, you have no idea, Castle," Kate teased back.

They dished out the rice and their respective entrees. Digging in, they ate in silence, both being famished their hunger took over for them.

Occasionally looking at each other with a smile, they consumed the fragrant food. Sated, Beckett cleared the table of the remains of the meal. Castle picked up the dishes following Beckett into the kitchen.

Working as if they were a long married couple, they quickly cleaned up the kitchen of the remnants of the repast.

"Open another bottle, Castle?"

"Only if you want."

Kate pulled another bottle out of her cabinet and handed it to Castle along with her wine bottle opener.

Castle saw "Charles Shaw" on the label. "Two-buck Chuck, Beckett? I've heard it is very good for its price."

"Well it isn't Châteauneuf-du-Pape, Castle, but it is pretty good. That's what you were drinking with the Chinese."

"Wow. Now I have something that I can stock so mother's friends don't drink all the more expensive stuff." Rick said as he took another sip. "Ya know, it is really hot that you are prudent. My credit card appreciates an economical woman."

"Martha doesn't pinch pennies?"

"Not anymore. When I was young, we didn't have much. A single mother actress doesn't usually have a lot. Martha's parents weren't well off either, so we barely scraped by. Now that I have a few best sellers and the financial wherewithal, I can't in good conscience deny her anything. She sacrificed much for me. I can do this little thing."

"And Alexis?"

"Since we didn't have much when I was a child, I didn't want Alexis to experience that. And Alexis's mother has essentially abandoned her. So I try to make her childhood as good as possible."

Rick paused and took another sip of wine. "I guess I shouldn't complain. I have been given a gift of writing talent that I can use to put my loved ones in good stead. And that makes me feel good."

"Sorry, I sometimes forget that you weren't always rich. You had to work for it."

They stood in the kitchen looking at each other in silence.

"Castle, I don't know if I can do this."

"Do what."

"Talk about our past. I don't want to ruin the early sprouts of our relationship by picking at the scabs of hurt," Beckett answered.

"Come on Beckett, grab your wine and let's sit on the couch."

They set down on the couch with their wine glasses on the coffee table. Kate had her head down looking at her hands clasped in her lap.

Rick asked, "Please look at me, Kate."

She looked up at him, seeing his deep blue, kind eyes.

"Give me your hand," Rick continued.

As she put her hand in his, Castle followed, "I hope you feel what I feel. I feel more than your hand. It almost feels like a tingle. But it's more than that. It's more than just a physical connection. It's a link, a tie between us. Short of a Vulcan mind meld, we have this."

Beckett smiled at her nerdy partner, now lover.

"So whatever we say to each other. While holding hands, we can't hurt each other. Talking this over can only help us understand each other's thinking. It will help us grow and grow closer. So please, let us talk it out."

"Okay."

Kate paused thinking about how she would ask what she should ask. "Why did you keep your secret from me? Why did you believe Smith? And meet with him? You could have gotten yourself killed, Castle."

Castle also thought for a moment about his response. "Kate, I thought I was protecting you. I felt like this was all my fault, specially your shooting. Smith called me right after you came back from your medical leave."

Castle paused, took another breath and continued, "If I hadn't looked into your mother's murder, you wouldn't have been shot. Ya know, Josh came up to me in the hospital and yelled at me that."

"I know, Dad told me about that later, when … when I was up at the cabin after I had broken up with Josh."

Castle continued, "I felt guilty that I had failed both Roy and your father. They … they both came to me … asking me, almost pleading with me to make you stop … to stand down. And I couldn't do it … I couldn't convince you … to prevent you being shot. I felt like I was a miserable failure, Kate. So I grabbed on to this … this mystery caller to … to try to keep you safe. To keep you whole. And to try to make up for failing Roy and your father. And most importantly … you."

Rick paused. Castle looked at Beckett with glistening eyes and said, "Because another year with you alive was more important to me than anything. Even if you hated me afterward, you were alive for one more year. And if I couldn't be your lover, at least I could be your partner, near you for another year. Another year of bringing you coffee to see your smile. Another year of seeing that extraordinary woman. Enjoying all that there is about Kate Beckett. Even if you sent me away after finding out about my deal with Smith, that year couldn't be taken away."

Rick paused again. "Forgive me Kate. I did this because I love you and my misguided notion I could possibly protect you. I realize now that that is futile. I can't protect you any better than I can stop the sun from rising in the morning. But that doesn't change my love for you."

"I forgive you Castle. I now understand a little better. It wasn't any sort of malice on your part. You did it out of love."

It was now Beckett's turn to pause. "I didn't know that both Roy and my dad came to you. That they tried to get you to get me to stop. That was quite a burden they put on you."

"A burden I was more than happy to bear, but I failed miserably. I couldn't prevent you from being shot. And then I watch you die."

"You tell me you love me while my life is leaving me in the cemetery. Your timing was not the best, Castle."

"Beckett, what was I to do? You were with another man at the time, I couldn't very well tell you before that."

Castle paused and looked down on their joined hands. "As much as I exude the façade of a playboy, I am not a poacher. And if I couldn't be your lover at least I could be your friend," Castle explained.

Castle shifted trying to find a comfortable position on the couch during this uncomfortable conversation.

Castle resumed talking, "In the cemetery I thought you were dying right in front of me. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't tell you how I felt."

"All this adds up to you felt you had to keep your mystery caller a secret from me for a year. Because of love and guilt. Interesting combination there, Castle."

Castle nodded, "I agree, Beckett. But now you understand."

"Yeah, I think I understand." Kate smiled at Castle.

There were a few moments of silence while Castle thought about his question for Beckett. Then he spoke, "Why did you say you didn't remember? What I said to you in the cemetery. My poorly timed declaration of love. I … I thought it was because you didn't feel the same."

"Before I explain, how did you know I remembered? Who told you I remembered?"

"Beckett, actually … actually it was you. You told me." Rick paused. He gripped Beckett's hand and brought it up to him to kiss. He set their joined hands down. Fortified by the kiss, Castle continued, "Do you remember that recent bombing case, when you interrogated that pickpocket?"

"Yeah, I remember."

"I was in observation while you interrogated him. He was feigning amnesia on what happened at that plaza. The trauma of the bombing. You … you said that you knew trauma. You were shot and you remember every detail. That's when I … I thought you told me you didn't remember because … 'cause you didn't feel the same. You were embarrassed to tell me … tell me that I made a fool of myself … with my declaration of love."

Beckett looked down at their still joined hands. Like Castle she paused, thinking about what to say next. She remembered Castle said that by joining hands, they cannot hurt each other.

Beckett started, "Castle, please understand this was not about not feeling anything for you. I hope the past several nights have dispelled that notion."

"I guess I know that now. But then, I still don't understand."

"You guess? I may have to perform another demonstration soon."

"Beckett, I would like another demonstration after we finish here. But I still would like to understand."

"Castle, I … I was in a terrible place. I couldn't believe that this world famous author was declaring his love for me. And I am recovering from being shot. I felt you saw me as an avenging angel. As Nikki Heat, super cop. But I was … I am broken."

Beckett paused to take a deep breath.

"I have been in therapy even after the required psych evaluation. I kept on going to Burke."

"Burke?" Castle interrupted.

"Yeah, Dr. Burke was on the list of recommended therapists for evaluation. I kept on going to him afterward because … because I was having difficulty with my shooting. I worked … I worked hard with him to get better. I wanted to be more. More than this broken cop. This mess of a woman. I wanted to be good enough for you. I … I felt that you deserved better than me."

Castle grabbed Beckett's other hand and said, "You know … you're right. I deserve better. But you deserve better, too, Kate. We're both broken, just in different ways. In every couple, both people get both less than they deserve and more than they deserve. But that's how it works, Beckett. We get less and more than we are worthy of. And just so you know, anything you could have given was more than I could have asked."

Castle and Beckett paused in silence for a moment looking down at their joined hands. Holding on to the hand closest to each other while releasing the far hand, they took a sip of wine that had been set out.

"I told Dr. Burke that in some ways I felt I was betraying my mom by accepting and pursuing your love. I felt I had to choose. He helped me to get over that, get to the point where I … I am almost okay with it. Leaving her murder alone."

"Kate, please, don't go after Bracken alone again. We do it as a team, as partners. No more going solo at him. Agreed?"

"Okay, Castle, agreed. I won't go at him without you or some other backup. No going solo," Beckett promised.

"Thank you. That is a great relief for me."

"Why is that?" Beckett asked.

Castle paused, pondered what his ensuing words would be. He took Beckett's free hand again and held them both tightly, pulling them toward himself to make them both face each other.

"Kate," Castle started. "Kate, previously … well, twice before I … I asked you to step back … to drop it because … because I felt it would cause grievous harm. Both times you went ahead and both times you almost died. I don't think death will give us a third pass."

"Twice?" Kate asked and then answered her question. "Oh. Yeah. Three days ago and … and the day Montgomery was shot."

"Yeah," Castle responded. "I don't think both of us can survive another try. In fact, it could be that neither of us survive."

"Okay. And Castle, do something for me."

"Yeah?"

"If someone calls with information on my life or my mother's murder, tell me. Don't keep it hidden. Full communication, okay?"

"Okay. Full communication."

Beckett moved closer to Castle and kissed him. Lingering, she put her free hand on his shoulder, gently pulling him closer to her. Castle put his free hand in her hair, caressing it.

Finally coming up for air, they touched their foreheads together. Beckett opened her eyes and said, "Castle, this conversation has worn me out. I'm going to bed."

"Okay, I'll go ahead and leave you in peace."

"Castle, I said I was going to bed. I didn't say I didn't want company."

"Okay, Beckett, I'd be more than happy to keep you company."

They both got up and took their wine glasses to the sink. After washing them out and then setting them on the counter to dry, Beckett and Castle walked to the bedroom.

"And Castle … maybe, if you are a good boy, in the morning there can be another demonstration that I promised earlier."

"Oooh, Beckett, I think I'd like that."