This Life
It was all black. One second I was there, and one second I wasn't. There was no white light, no tunnel. It was just black.
The next thing I know I breathe again, I feel the freezing cold droplets of water against my skin, and I scream. Feeling arms around my waist, pulling me backwards.
When I finally open my eyes, I am face to face with my friend and dealer Marcus, fear in his eyes as I am yelling at him to let me go. I realize nobody was touching me, and all of a sudden the feeling around my waist is gone.
I stand up and step out of the shower, soaking wet with all my clothes still on, and I shiver from the cold. Marcus wraps a towel and his arm around me. "Are you okay?" He asks looking me up and down, checking every inch of me for damage, like I'm about to collapse.
"What happened?" I ask, trying to recollect the past 10 minutes. "You went blue, Harper, I didn't know what to do, I..I just carried you to the shower and turned the cold water on, and you came back, your lips were fucking blue Harper, you weren't breathing.." Marcus said looking at me with this guilt in his eyes. Like this was his fault or something.
I just handed him back the towel and walked into my room in the run down trailer I live in, I stripped off the soaking wet clothes and changed into fresh ones.
As I'm shrugging on my jeans, I walk back out into the kitchen where I see Marcus sitting at the table, holding a lighter up to the bottom of his spoon, cooking up some dope. I take a seat next to him. "Well, that killed my high, let me get another" I said and met his eyes with a look that was just as soulless as I felt.
My name is Harper Lowman, and I'm a heroin addict.
"Ah shit" Happy said as he snapped his phone shut.
"What's up, brother?" Clay said taking a seat across from Happy at the picnic table outside of the club house.
"It's my sister, Harper. My mother just called, Harper overdosed again last night, and she's ended up in the hospital this time, man. I just don't know what to do... She's been to rehab, I've tried to snap her out of it myself. She's going to kill herself." Happy said hanging his head down low. Worry in his heart about his baby sister.
"I think she's due for some club therapy, my brother. We can take her up to the cabin, strap her down tight, we will help you Hap, we will get your sister together, you are family, and that means she is too. It's what I'd do for my own daughter. I'll talk to Gemma today." Clay said with a stern look in his eye.
Happy reflected that look, and nodded. They both stood up and shared a hug.
I wake up to beeping, and bright lights, squinting my vision straightens out, and I make out the face of my older brother, who looks pissed, arms crossed, sitting in a chair next to my hospital bed. I sigh. "Shit, don't look at me like that Hap."
"Harper, what the fuck? I just... I can't do this anymore, I can't watch you die anymore." He says solemnly.
Frustrated, I roll my eyes. "What I do with my life is none of your business Happy, it doesn't affect you in anyway." I sit up. "Now why don't you just run back to your perfectly innocent life, and stop judging me" My voice dripped with sarcasm.
I didn't want to hurt Happy or anyone's feelings, I just wanted to be left alone. But no one understood that.
"That's it, I really didn't want it to come down to this I truly didn't. But I will do what I have too. I fucking love you Harper, just remember that." His raspy voice bouncing off the plain white walls, not even making eye contact with me as he stood up and walked out of the door.
I literally sat there and twiddled my thumbs; nerves. Where did he go? What is he going to do? I felt like a child, waiting in time out for their punishment.
It feels like hours go by before Happy walks back in, but it was only a few minutes. The repressed emotions piling out of me, not thinking he was coming back.
I sigh in relief, tears starting to fill my eyes, as I start to feel the sickness take over. I try to pull myself together, "Happy, I'm sorry, I don't want to lose you you are all I have left in this world... I'll do whatever you want... Help me Hap. I don't want to be this person anymore."
I wasn't even sure if I meant the words coming out of my mouth. But I knew I needed my brother. The loneliness I felt was starting to sink in over the weeks.
"I'm going to hold you to that. Try to sleep, I'll be here in the morning" He said, and then he walked out of the door, shutting it behind him and I rolled over, shutting my eyes tight, praying for sleep to take over, but I knew it wouldn't.
I felt the sweat start down my forehead, but pulled the blankets up tight, shivering. I pushed hard on the nurse button on the side of the bed. Fuck, this is going to be a long night.