Utterly bored. I own small attempt at humor, using, shall we say, unorthodox characters. Enjoy.
The pair of overshadowed men stood in the center of the legendary structure, staring down at each other with unspeakable hatred (am I exaggerating here?)
"My tournament official is better than yours, Pegasus," growled the ice-cold CEO, from the sidelines.
"Come now, Kaiba-boy," drawled his fellow billionaire. "Duelist Kingdom was far more fun than Battle City."
"What are you talking about?" spat Kaiba. "Yugi destroyed the Castle of Dark Illusions' 'floatation ring', your awkward Paradox brothers eliminators made a monster a field spell, and my Crush Card Virus somehow worked for more than three turns. Any self-respecting tournament official would spot these errors!"
"Didn't Yugi-boy somehow special summon Joey-boy's Red Eyes Black Dragon through the effect of your Flute of Summoning Dragons in Battle City?" retorted Pegasus. "I'd say that's against the rules as well."
"Screw the rules, I have money!" snapped Kaiba.
"So do I, Kaiba boy."
"Yeah, but the rules thing only applies to me."
"Do you want me to start flirting with you again?"
This intelligent battle of wits was unfortunately cut short by the two tournament officials commencing their duel.
(Roland: 8000) (Croquet: 8000)
"The first move is yours," intoned the right hand man of Pegasus in his gravelly voice.
Roland snickered. "What have you, swallowed sandpaper?"
"It's genetic!" snapped Croquet. "And I'd rather have a voice like this then be called Inoso in several video games!"
"No need to get personal, you know," barked Roland, affronted.
"Roland," drawled Croquet. "Your house is on fire! Do you still want to continue the duel?"
"Don't let him get to you, Roland!" hollered Kaiba from the sidelines. "He's a butler for crying out loud!"
Roland nodded and drew his sixth card.
"Now I'll show you why Mr. Kaiba pays me my salary! I summon Soldier of Excelion (900/900) in attack mode."
Materializing onto Roland's field was a man dressed in ivory armor. He stood maybe five foot six, and clutched a spear in one hand which was nearly twice as long, with the tip glimmering with silver. A large shield was clipped onto his other hand. He glared down at Croquet from the visor of his helmet.
"Then I set two cards facedown and end my turn."
Croquet took a deep breath and drew.
"Very well, Inoso," he chuckled.
"Watch it…!"
That was ignored. "I summon Musical Hero – Waka Waka (1300/1500) in attack mode."
A jovial looking lady materialized onto Croquet's field. She was blonde and dressed in casual, African wear. Oddly enough, she was dribbling a football with her feet, using skill rivaling Lionel Messi while doing so. To top if off, she seemed to be humming a rather catchy tune while doing so.
Roland glanced from the monster, to his opponent, and then back to the monster again.
"Musical…. Hero?"
Unable to hold it in any longer, he burst out laughing.
"You're an insensitive bastard!" spat Croquet.
"Watch your mouth!" roared Alfred Kahn, chairman of 4Kids entertainment, striding into the Duel Dome.
"What're you doing here?" growled Kaiba. "If I recall, it was you who came up with the ridiculous idea of having that British freak Bakura spare Pegasus' life when in the original uncut version he died! Then his prissy butler wouldn't have even had the chance to challenge Roland, who is far and away the best personal assistant money can buy!"
"No, it's just that we cannot have such language in a forum where children may pick it up," replied Kahn primly.
"This is a T-rated fanfiction in case you haven't noticed," retorted Croquet. "I'll call Inoso whatever I damn well please. But stay a while if you want, I mean, hey, you're our only link to the outside world. If Inoso's mother gets a heart attack, he'll probably still continue the duel, although it'd be nice for him to know about it in any case."
"Enough breaking the fourth wall!" boomed a new voice, striding into the arena. It was ardee, the author of this rather pointless fiction.
Kaiba stared at him incredulously.
"You're a hypocrite! You're committing the ultimate act of breaking the fourth wall by breaking in here being the author yourself!"
"That position also affords me the privilege of dropping an anvil on any of you who start to irritate me," snapped back ardee.
Kaiba smirked. "You worship me. You've bought all my starter and evolution decks just to get your hands on all the artworks of the Blue Eyes White Dragon. Not to mention going through back after pack to get a Vorse Raider. Heck, I've got the most screen time in your fanfiction, Yu-Gi-Oh! Nightrise, even more then Yugi and Jason combined. There's no way you're telling me what to do, Mr. ardee, not with the plot twist planned you have coming up about-…"
"Shut it!"
The author and the CEO locked eyes.
Kahn gasped. "You! Ardee! You're the one who's written one of the most terrifyingly dark pieces of fanfiction based around Yu-Gi-Oh! I have ever seen. I have a good mind to take you into 4Kids custody right now!"
"It's T-rated, jackass!" snapped ardee, turning to face the chairman of 4Kids.
"Uh…. Can I continue my move?" exploded Croquet (this sounded more like a bunch of beans being rattled around in an empty jug).
Ardee nodded. "Ok, here are the ground rules. Kahn, I won't drop an anvil on you if you stay mum throughout the duel. Kaiba, Pegasus, enough with the comments, goddamnit, I want to continue writing this duel. Roland, yes, Roland, I only use Inoso for comedy purposes (most of which are falling flat on their faces I'm sure), and Croquet, keep the personal attacks to a minimum. Got that, everyone?"
He received unanimous nods.
"Good."
With that, the author vanished into thin air.
Kaiba stared. "How did he do that….?"
Pegasus shrugged. "He's the author."
Kaiba smirked. "Yeah, I'll bet I inspired him. He must have a whole cupboard of trench coats, complete with the magnets on his boots to cause the field which allows them to flare out like mine do."
"Ahem," echoed a voice out of thin air. "Should I come back?"
Kaiba sighed. "Fine, what the hell. Let Roland thrash Croquet and then we'll continue this verbal jousting."
"Steve Martin would be appalled," murmured Kahn.
Then the three turned their attention back to the duel.
"I'll have Musical Hero Waka Waka attack your Soldier!" declared Croquet.
The woman performed a bit of extra fancy maneuvering with the ball, and dribbled it extra high, before executing an amazing bicycle kick worthy of Wayne Rooney. The ball slammed into the shield of the unfortunate monster on Roland's field, crashing through and shattering him. The sight of blood made Alfred Kahn faint, and neither Kaiba nor Pegasus seemed in the mood to help him up.
(Roland: 7600) (Croquet: 8000)
"When Musical Hero – Waka Waka destroys a monster, I can add one level four or lower Musical Hero from my hand to my deck!" declared Croquet.
"I chain my facedown Fate of the Divine Dragon! Now, whenever a monster with 'Excelion' in its name is destroyed, I have to toss a coin. If it's heads, I can add one Divine Dragon – Excelion to my hand from my deck. If it's tails, I'm forced to send that monster to my graveyard instead."
A holographic coin materialized onto his field, and flew up into the air. Both duelists and the trio of spectators leaned forward to have a look. As it were, the result was a tails.
Croquet snorted. "So, looks like your luck was not in."
Roland chuckled. "It may seem that way. In any case, my dear Sandman and aspiring but hopeless singer, please continue your move."
"Bah!" spat Croquet. "The author said no more personal attacks! Those rules were explicitly stated by him!"
"I'm Mr. Kaiba's personal assistant, and since Mr. Kaiba has money, the rules are screwed!"
Croquet attempted an ugly sneer, but it merely came across as seeming as if he had a really bad stomach ache.
"I have patented that look, Croquet," reprimanded Pegasus in his musical voice.
"Gahh! I can't take it anymore!" groaned Croquet. "I wanted to be a singer all my life but I was laughed out of every single audition! Sandman, needles in your throat, Michael Jackson wannabe! Then I get a job under someone who could be singing at the Saturday opera every week but instead chooses to sit around watching these damn Funny Bunny cartoons the whole day! It's maddening!"
Suddenly, dark fog began to roll into the arena.
Croquet continued angrily. "I made a deal with some rather evil people! I've initiated a Darkness Game, and if I win, I'll get the voice I want!"
"It's a Shadow Game!" reprimanded Kahn. A random hand shot out of the darkness and snatched Kahn away.
"Glad to have seen the back of that guy," sighed Roland before turning back and facing Croquet. "I hate the Inoso tag just as much, if not more then you hate your voice, but I don't seem the type to go around making shady deals about it, do I? Heck, I could get into litigation about it or get an official name change by going to the gazette, but that's just not my style. I'm going to have my deck beat some sense into you when this is true," he growled.
Kaiba and Pegasus had both narrowed their eyes.
"Then try it, Inoso."
"Right. Just finish your turn and I will love that opportunity," spat Roland.
"I'll set one card facedown and end my turn," concluded Croquet.
Roland snapped the top card off his deck.
"I activate Monster Reborn, to special summon from my graveyard the Divine Dragon – Excelion (1500/900)!"
The new monster was a long, serpentine dragon with bright shimmering scales of silver. A silver mane flowed out of the back of its neck while four taloned limbs extended out of its body to serve as crude arms and legs. However, despite its almost plain appearance, there was suddenly a very ominous feeling in the air as everyone looked upon it. Something about the creature demanded reverence and a sense of fear; maybe it was because of the shining sapphire flames that wreathed its body, seeming to flow with the creatures will, or maybe it was because of the florescent lights in the stadium.
"A level five monster with fifteen hundred attack points?" scoffed Croquet.
Roland ignored him. "I then activate my facedown Generation Shift! This allows me to destroy one monster on my field, and add another with the same name to my hand."
The leviathan, which had only just appeared, vanished into thin air. Roland found the appropriate card in his deck and added it to his deck.
"Then I play Cost Down! By discarding a card from my hand, which just happens to be a monster called Guardian of Excelion (500/500), I can reduce the levels of all monsters in my hand by two. Now, since he's technically a level three monster, I can normal summon Divine Dragon – Excelion (1500/900), without tributes!"
The silver dragon rematerialized onto Roland's field, growling at the football playing girl on that of his opponent.
"Then I activate my facedown Next to Be Lost, which allows me to send a monster from my deck to the graveyard if I have one with the same name already in play," declared Roland, quickly locating the third copy of Excelion that he possessed, and slid it into his discard pile.
"All these cards and nothing has been achieved, really," scoffed Croquet.
"A lot has been achieved!" declared Roland. "Divine Dragon – Excelion gains an effect for every other copy of him in my graveyard, when he's summoned. I can choose to either increase his attack points by one thousand, have him attack twice if he destroys a monster, or have him deal you damage equal to the attack points of every monster he destroys. The same effect can't be used twice, however. So, I'll boost his attack points and let him hammer you twice over in this turn!"
The silver dragon (2500/900) roared as its attack points took on a respectable level.
"That's not all. Guard of Excelion is in my graveyard, and he allows each Divine Dragon – Excelion in play an additional choice of these three effects. Since it's an entirely different card and not part of Excelion's own effect, I can stack effects. So I'll allow him an additional one thousand attack points!"
He pointed at Croquet's monster as Excelion (3500/900) glowed even more. "Attack his Musical Hero and then attack him directly!"
Croquet grunted as the dragon belched out a wave of golden flames in the direction of the horrified singer. She didn't stand a chance, as the flames washed over her. They then continued on towards Croquet, who reacted in good time.
"I activate my facedown Dark Wall of Air! This reduces all battle damage to zero for the duration of this turn," he said nastily.
(Roland: 7600) (Croquet: 5800)
"You're still far behind though," replied Roland, with an air of superiority. "I set my final card facedown and end my turn."
Croquet drew.
"I summon Musical Hero – Eminem (1200/1400)!" declared Croquet. The iconic rapper appeared in front of him, dressed in a white vest and torn jeans. He had a cap on backwards, and held a mike in one hand. Immediately, he gazed up at the dragon, and began rapping incessantly.
"I'm not afraid, to take a stand!
Everybody, just take my hand!"
"Here that?" chuckled Roland. "If you're scared of Excelion you can hold your monster's hand."
"Shut up you ghetto fool!" spat Kaiba. Eminem glared at him.
"You can try to throw away my lyric sheets before I can read em
Ha! too bad I got em memorized I don't even need em."
Kaiba groaned. He was going to be resorting to Key of Awesome parodies now?
"When Musical Hero – Eminem is summoned, I can discard one card in order to add one equip spell from my deck to my hand, as long as that Equip Spell has the word 'Eminem' somewhere in its text. I choose Pissed Off/Mode, and I'll equip it to him immediately!"
The rapper snarled at Excelion and he began to glow.
"I'm not afraid (I'm not afraid),
To get really pissed (to get really pissed)!
At all my critics (at all my critics),
Who hardly exist (who hardly exist)!"
As he did, his attack points began increasing (1800/1400).
"Pissed Off/Mode first grants Eminem six hundred extra attack points. Then I activate his own effect, allowing me to halve his original attack points during the damage step, but in return he can attack your life-points directly!"
Roland looked alarmed as Eminem (1200/1400) darted past Excelion and came to a halt in front of him. He then turned his mike up to full volume and began rapping so loudly that Roland's ears began to ache. It was all he could do to save face by not covering his ears as the decibel levels went through the roof.
(Roland: 6400) (Croquet: 5800)
"Then I set a card and end my turn," snapped Croquet.
Eminem (1800/1400) had his attack points return to their previous level, and he glowered at Roland, still as angry as ever.
Roland took a breath and drew. Dead draw.
"Excelion, attack Eminem now!"
The leviathan unleashed a wave of flames in the direction of the rapper.
"Pissed Off/Mode allows me to destroy it in place of Eminem, and reduce all battle damage to zero!" declared Croquet.
Roland frowned as the flames washed over Eminem, but did not, however, harm him.
"I still have a second attack! Destroy his rapper once and for all!"
"I discarded Necro Gardna to add Pissed Off/Mode to my hand and I'll remove it from play in my graveyard to negate your attack!"
Once again the flames did not affect Eminem (1200/1400).
Roland groaned. "Fine, I end my turn."
Croquet drew with a grand flourish.
"Eminem attacks you directly by halving his attack points!" declared Croquet. The rapper avoided a burst of flames from Excelion and began a loud string of words which Roland vaguely recognized as one of Eminem's classics: the Real Slimshady.
(Roland: 5800) (Croquet: 5800)
"You have already summoned your key monster but our life-points are still even!" boasted Croquet.
Roland narrowed his eyes. "Just continue your move."
"That will be it," grunted his opponent.
Roland drew. "Eminem shall fall now! Excelion, attack!"
This time, nothing stopped the silver dragon's attack from washing away the hip hop icon. However, Croquet's life-points did not fall. Oddly enough, four more smaller monster arose from Eminem's ashes. They were an assortment of rappers, dressed in varying attire, but all carrying mikes and glaring at Excelion.
"My Band activates," chuckled Croquet. "When Eminem is destroyed, I take no battle damage, and I can special summon four D12 Tokens (400/400) (x4) to my field in defense mode!"
Roland frowned. Even with Excelion's double attack ability, wiping out all of them would take time.
"Very well. Excelion, destroy one his tokens."
The dragon obeyed and unleashed a wave of flames at one of the rappers, who yelped in fright before he was incinerated.
"That will conclude my turn," admitted Roland.
Croquet drew with a grand flourish.
"I activate Premature Burial, paying eight hundred life-points to special summon Musical Hero – Eminem (1200/1400) from my graveyard once again!"
(Roland: 5800) (Croquet: 5000)
The rapper rematerialized on Croquet's field and glared at Roland and Excelion.
"Then I can discard a card from my hand in order to add one equip spell from my deck to my hand as per Eminem's effect. This time I'll choose Rise of the Lead Singer! Eminem can only be equipped with this spell card if there is at least one D12 token in play, and it ensures that while he's in play, all D12 tokens can attack directly by halving their attack points. What's more, Rise of the Lead Singer ensures that you cannot attack Eminem as long as there is at least one other D12 token in play."
He grinned evilly. "It gets better. I equip Eminem with the Ring of Magnetism. While it decreases his attack and defense points by five hundred, you may only attack him as long as it is in play. Thanks to Rise of the Lead Singer, I now have a perfect lock!"
A green ring appeared on Eminem's left middle finger (700/900). He barely noticed, continuing to rap incessantly.
"Now, Eminem and all my D12 tokens will attack you directly!"
Eminem (100/900), and his cohorts (200/200) (x3), all rushed towards Roland, avoiding Excelion in the process. The quartet began to rap as loudly as possible, and at this point Roland couldn't stop himself from covering his ears for fear of having his drums ruptured as a result of the insane decibel level. They retreated after a few seconds, satisfied with the damage they had dealt their master's adversary.
(Roland: 5100) (Croquet: 5000)
"I end my turn," cackled Croquet. "My lock is unstoppable! Every turn, I can deal you seven hundred points of damage, while you are unable to destroy any of my monsters! Then the shadows will grant me my wish of having a good singing voice and it will be no contest as to who the greatest of tournament officials are! Auha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"