A cool crisp summer breeze brushed her hair into the horizon, the cobbled gravestones and mossy plants were growing on meandered rocks that were strategically placed around the diseased. She stepped around them carefully, it made it harder to reach her destination. Walking on the hollow earth made her skin quiver, the thought of the amount of loved ones to leave here and pay respects to.

Things were not like they were when she used to reside here, her diary heavy and full with words that only made her the shell of who she was. And she remembered for a second this is where it began, near her parents grave, that faithful day that she met him, and her destiny unfolded.

There was no way to deny it, knowing him or not, it all was inevitable, the deaths, sacrifices, heart ache, and one thing was for sure, without him, she would not have bothered to fight, without him she would have openly accepted death, walked into the darkness and never looked back. But he did, he found her, and in a way, she pushed him into the darkness more than he familiarised her with it.

Finally she got there; she faced the tall limestone with the engravings that were permanently etched in her mind. Miranda and Grayson Gilbert, loving parents and noble friends. She remembered it from the first time she set eyes on it, dropping a rose into the earth and falling to her knee's beside their coffins.

But now the pain was even more raw, it cut through her, her senses would peak at these times, and only recently she learned to control it. Being a vampire was not a joke, she wanted to learn everything about being like him now, because she knew she could never embrace it the way his sibling lived, not after...everything. Even though in her transitional hue, she was stuck in a whirlwind of emotions that pulled her deeper into the quixotic world of vampirism until someone...the only one...pulled her through, even when she least deserved it. Now that was the only thing tearing her apart, him.

It had been days since she had spoken to him, he had given her the space to hunt and think for herself, it was part of it all, she supposed. Twelve steps to recovery, she could not depend on others, and as far as she was concerned now...his way...was the only way to live.

And for a while she had allowed Damon to control her feeding habits, encouraging her to drink from stolen blood bags and embrace the high, and on small occasions justifying the compulsion of innocent humans to feed on.

It was not right, nothing was right for a while and she now understood what Stefan had to deal with day in and day out, the guilt of using people for her own needs. Something Damon didn't seem to dwell on, and the fact that he allowed her to do so in her weakened infant vampire state was something she resented him for. It made her shut out the people she loved, Caroline, Bonnie, Jeremy and most of all Stefan.

Numerous times, when she and Damon had bickered, or the humanity would sneak up on her, she would break and run back to him. It was too unfair, all he had done was love her, even when she had kissed Damon on her blood high, when she had stripped him with her eyes in front of him. It was the blurr of want and emotion that possessed her and consumed her, when she was on it. That dark side if her protruding, and eventually she let it take over.

It was not right, it was not real, everything she promised herself she would never be had happened, and she had done it all in front of the man she truly loved, it was surely over now, he would never want her back. Not after he noticed it, not after he told her he couldn't do it anymore, watch her lust after his brother that so often undermined him and tried to pry his only joy from his grasp.

She couldn't even remember what she had said to him when she had turned off the switch. Morsels of memories would return to her, and break her. "I never loved you" ," I never needed you", "you don't know me" ...this wasn't her, and she hoped that Stefan would know this, like she had known it when he had turned ripper. She could only hope now, because she felt worse than him, she had killed more people now, she had betrayed him more than a dozen times, and in some ways she felt worse than Katherine.

That unsettling familiar feeling of emotions that merged together into hunger was starting to boil up inside her, but she recited his words, those sweet elegant words that only effected her coming from his mouth, his voice, his lips. Breathe, just breathe in.

So she did, she unclenched her fists, letting the petals fall from her hands and she placed a kiss on her fingers to touch the glossy stone with them. Sending her love to her parents, and promising she will be back more often, more often now, because she was feeling better, she was feeling like Elena again.

Footsteps long and sluggish dragged across the Gilbert home, he checked every room for intruders, now that this was a vampires home it was less safe, he didn't like it. He dropped her usual supply of human blood into the fridge, enough to keep her going in moderation. Even though it had been just over two years since he had actually spent time with her in this house without trying to save her, protect her or watch over her, he still felt as though it was his home, more so than his own.

He knew every inch of it, every dent in the wood down to every compartment in the kitchen. But now it was different, these last few months had been hell for Stefan, seeing her acting the way she had been had torn him apart.

Running to the forest to drain out the thoughts of...them and what they were doing could only keep him away for so long. Because truly he could never just leave her, even after he realized she had chosen him, chosen to drink from the vein, chosen to betray herself. He couldn't just leave her though. He stayed because he didn't trust anyone to look after her like he could. She could stake him, hate him and even choose...him. and he still wouldn't be able to leave, she was his home.

He would stay, even if it hurt, he would never leave, he needed to know she was safe enough to control the blood, and then he would let them have their eternity if that's what she wanted, that was the least he could do for her. In the end her happiness was at the top of his agenda.

He turned on his heel at the idea, how good it would feel to just turn the switch off, he wouldn't have to carry his broken heart around, he wouldn't have to hold the tears back when he watched her relapse over and over. He wouldn't have to suffer in his room alone, when he heard her and Damon argue around the house among other things, but that thought, that cowardly thought made his skin quiver. Never. He would never leave her until he knew she was okay, and his feelings could not matter right now, all that mattered was her. His angel.

He left her some pastries and dinner to help her supplement her cravings, along with a huge bag of coffee to remind her too keep drinking it. Then he closed the door gently behind him, releasing a compressed breath into the cool summer air, catching one last glimpse of the hovering sun in the horizon. He decided to walk towards it, there didn't seem to be anything else to do at this time other than try and catch glimpses of what this beautiful earth had to offer, it soothed the pain of what he was. He could see things that most humans couldn't, true beauty, he thought Elena could see it too sometimes before she turned, he loved her for that, he saw so much beauty in her. Because she could see things most humans couldn't, the simplicity of nature, the beauty of it...and she embraced the feeling with him. He hoped she would find it again some day.

Elena pulled out various books from the shelves of the boarding house, picking a few that she knew she would enjoy, risking some different genres, hoping that it would take her mind away from other things for one night. Because loosing yourself in a story seemed like the only thing she could do to forget about the burdens she was carrying in her own life right now. She lounged on the sofa, hoping he would walk through the door. It had been a few weeks since she came to visit, but she felt lonely lately and needed to see his face. She felt better, she felt...in control. She wondered if this would be the night that he would believe that. Believe that she would not loose herself, that her emotions wouldn't make her act the way she had in the past.

She lost herself in Wuthering Heights, flicking to the chapters that she enjoyed the most, memorizing the lines that touched her deeply.

"I cannot live without my soul, i am surrounded with his image" her heart sunk as the words surrounded her, and unknowingly she threw the book against the wall with such force that the pages flew around the room. She couldn't understand how her body would act before she could stop herself, feeling confused about most of them in fact, but the only feeling that seemed to be clearest were the ones for Stefan. And she hated herself for only being able to see it when the blood was not clouding her judgement, when the blood was not scattering her vision.

"What did that book ever do to you?" she heard distantly in the recognized the voice immediately and Elena sat up nervously, embarrassed that he had seen her outburst.

"I was planning on reading that" he chuckled picking up one of the sheets from the carpet.

"I'm sorry, that book made me..." she met his eyes by accident and instantly regretted it "never-mind" she moved to the edge of the couch.

But suddenly he was in front of her, stroking the pad of his thumb on her cheek and looking deep into her eyes "Hey. Whats wrong?"

How did he do it, how did he know instantly what she was thinking, what she was going to say before she actually said it.

"I...I feel better Stefan" she moved her hand to touch his, she never felt more nervous in her life, she had never been so unsure about how he felt about her before, she knew he would always love her, but maybe what she had done was unforgivable. Maybe he had met someone else, maybe he was happier without her. She hated it, she hated herself.

"I know you do baby" the words slipped out helplessly from his lips and instantly he removed his hand. He didn't mean to do it, this was the closest he had gotten to the real Elena in weeks and he couldn't help but remember the times when it was just them, and how they helped each other, how they loved each other.

"I... I'm sorry about that. Its good, I think the worst is over now, you just need to keep an eye on it, did you-"

She interrupted him, placing her lips on his and grabbing him tightly, forcefully almost, Stefan reciprocated for a few moments before pulling away, tears welling in his eyes and he turned his back to her.

"Elena, please don't"

"Stefan..." she tried.

"Elena, I can't" he raised his voice, and lowered it almost instantly after realizing how it stung her.

"I'm sorry..i didn't mean..its just..." he paused for a minute and crossed his arms to compose himself, he looked at her beautiful eyes that seemed amplified now that she had turned, they were almost too much to take in all at once.

"Elena, I don't want this if its not real...if ..there's so much..." he stumbled, and looked at the floor stepping away from her.

"Stefan" she whispered.

"i'm...i'm so sorry about everything " she cried, it was out of control now, the veins coming to her eyes, replacing her tears, and he stepped to her quickly grabbing her shoulders.

"shhhh just breathe...breathe" he rubbed her shoulders and slowly, very slowly the blood faded and she nodded instantly melting into his soft touch.

"There's no need to rush this okay" he soothed, she nodded and caught the look on his face, he looked broken, she could finally see it. What she had done to him, he looked tired, broken, pale, defeated and most of all so sad. That happiness in his eyes that he used to wear around her was gone, his crooked smile had disappeared he was so...defeated. Elena took one last glimpse at him before she ran out of the boarding house in vampire speed, if she stayed any longer she would have convinced herself to switch off again, and if she did...who knew if she could ever be able to make it back.