"Where'd you get the bread?" Johanna looked over at Katniss who was busy pulling apart even chunks of the large, fresh loaf of bread in her hands and didn't respond. Johanna looked to Gale, who shrugged.
"Probably Sae," he offered.
Katniss handed them each a piece of bread and a slice of the goat cheese Prim had provided them. Gale began spreading the cheese with his short hunting knife, handing it to Johanna to do the same. This had been their reaping ritual for three years now; go out into their woods, collect some berries and whatever food they could, and spend the day on the rock that overlooked the rest of the meadow.
"It was Mayor Undersee, actually," Katniss corrected as she shoved a piece of the warm bread in her mouth. "I went to give Madge a bit of Prim's goat's cheese and she gave me a pin to wear to the reaping and he gave me this bread."
Gale rolled his eyes and moved to get up, chewing the last of his piece of bread. His abrupt gesture made both the girls look up at him as he gathered his things. It was no secret that Gale wasn't a fan of anyone not from the Seam, but on the reaping day his feelings were more raw than usual. "I'll see you guys at the reaping. I've got to get the kids ready."
Johanna and Katniss watched him go and Johanna scooted over to sit closer to her friend as they watched the sun high up in the sky. Johanna had a large bag of game on her side as she was going to the Hob before the reaping to secure something for her younger brother. "I think it's nice that you and Madge are friends," Johanna said as she took another bite of her bread.
Katniss produced some berries from her side and popped one in her mouth, offering her palm to Johanna. "Thanks."
"I mean, once you marry her father it'll be nice for you guys to already be close since you'll be her new mom." Katniss gave Johanna a dangerous look as she placed the berries back down into the small bowl she had brought them in. Johanna knew that glint; she was in trouble. Might as well go for broke. "It'll make the family transition much easier. I don't think she'll call you mom, though."
Katniss moved swiftly and tackled Johanna, pushing her back into the grass behind the rock they were sitting on. Johanna chuckled as the other girl straddled her waist and reached back to grab the berries. "I hate you."
Johanna smirked. "No you don't, Kitten." Katniss glared at the term of address; she had always hated Johanna's nickname for her. Gale called her Catnip and Johanna called her Kitty Kat when she was feeling particularly playful, and Kitten when she wanted to get underneath her skin.
Katniss poised a berry above Johanna's head and Johanna nodded in understanding. "May the odds -" Katniss began.
She dropped the berry into Johanna's mouth and she caught it between her teeth and winked. "-Be ever in your favor." Johanna propped herself up and Katniss sat back on her calves. In spite of their joking, there was an undercurrent of sadness. Between the two of them they probably had about seventy reaping bowl entries - add Gale and they had over a hundred. Each year they three got dangerously close to being separated. "We could do it you know."
Katniss tilted her head to the side in confusion. "Do what?"
"Escape. Live out in the woods. Leave this hell hole." Katniss looked beyond Johanna toward the fence behind them. They probably could do it, she thought to herself. "If it weren't for the kids."
Katniss nodded. Johanna looked down at their bodies, connected at the pelvis as Katniss shifted her weight to get more comfortable. Their fathers perishing in the mine explosion had brought the three of them together for the first time. Katniss and Johanna had been trying to hunt for feed their families when they happened upon Gale in the woods. They became a team, a trio, each of them using their skills to bring home as much game as possible. Gale and his snares (and his bow), Katniss and her bow, Johanna and her axe. She was decent with a bow but nowhere near as good as Gale or Katniss. But she could hit the head off a bird mid-air with a hatchet.
Until Johanna's mother died. Johanna and her three siblings were forced to move into the community home and she didn't see as much of Gale and Katniss as they saw of each other. It was hard to get away from the wardens in the home, especially knowing she'd leave her brother and two sisters at their mercy while she hunted. Still, she and Katniss made an effort to see each other and Johanna met she and Gale in the woods every Sunday.
They had always been close, but in the last two years, Johanna found herself getting irrationally jealous of the time Gale spent with Katniss without her. Even if Katniss was oblivious, it was painfully obvious to Johanna that Gale had feelings for the brunette. He still dated casually here and there, kissing behind the slag heap, but his heart was clearly with Katniss. In the rare moments Johanna was completely honest with herself, it was Katniss's beautiful gray eyes like the early morning fog and her wry smile that drew her in and kept her there. However with three little ones to look after there was no time to go chasing fog.
Even now, on the day of the reaping that could spell death for any of them, she found herself struggling to control her libido as Katniss's body pressed warmly above her own. "It's Prim's first year."
Johanna sobered quickly and looked into Katniss's eyes. "Katniss, she won't get reaped. It's her first year and she has one entry." Prim was just one year older than Johanna's little brother John, twelve and fresh to the reaping this year. "The odds are against her, fortunately enough." Katniss seemed slightly mollified by this. But the open meadow seemed to get farther and farther away as they sat together and wasted away the precious hours they had left together.
The day of the reapings were probably the most significant for each district in terms of coloring their individual personalities. Johanna remembered watching the television in the square as the kids in 1 all clamored to volunteer, nearly tearing each others throats out to get up to that podium. The wasted looking children in 6 with their hollow eyes and gaunt cheeks. The sturdy looking kids from 7 who would nearly every year end up looking like a tree in the tribute parade. And then there they were in 12: dressed in overalls and miner's caps in the parade and looking like a sad flotilla of poverty at the reaping.
Johanna knew that every year her chances of being reaped were greater and greater. Being one of the many kids in the community home meant taking out extra tesserae every year. By seventeen, she figured her name was in there thirty-seven times. It was only one of many days she would wonder how her life would be different had her father not been killed in that mine explosion. Surely they would have needed tesserae, too. Her two little sisters and little brother needed food. The oldest was too young to be reaped yet anyway, so Johanna would've bore the burden then just as she did now. No use wondering the "ifs" anyway; ifs don't put food on the table or clothes on their backs.
At the Hob she managed to pull off the greatest trade she'd ever done: three squirrels, a turkey, and a large sack of medicinal herbs for a small hatchet and a bow and quiver. Weapons were strictly forbidden unless carried by a Peacekeeper, but Johanna knew her days as the hunting member of her small pack were coming to an end. In case she got reaped next year one of the little ones needed to learn how to hunt. The bow and quiver were pretty tame, small. Nothing like what the real black market hunters had, but it'd do.
Quickly Johanna made her way back to the home, bustling through the kids in their hand-me-down dresses and dress shirts and pants toward the cots where she and her family slept. They were still in various states of undress as Johanna plunged the weapons into a bag and shoved it far beneath her bed. John waited impatiently as his little sister Celadine straightened the buttons on his shirt. The littlest one, Aurelia, sat on the bed, playing with the soft cotton dolls Johanna had traded nearly a pound of grain to acquire. They won't be roped in like cattle for the reaping, but they will be required to stand off-sides with the other orphan kids, watching the solemn events unfold.
"'Hanna what did you put under the bed?" Aurelia asked loudly in her high-pitched voice, bouncing blonde curls framing her angelic face. Johanna could remember vividly the day she was born: a humid, warm spring day with the most beautiful sun's rays coming through the clouds. That, coupled with her sprouts of blonde hair like their mother's got her the name, meaning gold.
"Nothing Aurey." Accustomed to be being brushed off, she nodded and continued stroking the hair of the doll in her tiny hands. Johanna grabbed her brother by the shoulder and directed him to a far corner. There was no privacy in this giant room, but the corner was less densely populated than the rest of the home. Most of the kids were making their way to the reaping anyhow. "John, listen." Johanna stared into his matching set of wide brown eyes as they filled with a sense of foreboding. At only eleven he had the marks of a young man: a sturdy jaw, large hands, a stern look on his face. He looked so much like their father it sent a pain through her heart to see him becoming a man.
"Johanna, I know the routine. Could be this year, could be next, gotta be prepared." He smiled patiently at her. "I understand."
Johanna rolled her eyes at him, ruffling his unruly mop of black hair with her hand. "I know you know, little man. I'm telling you something else." Her eyes darted to the sides, her voice lowered to a whisper. "I left you a bow and set of arrows under the bed. I know daddy taught you the axe, but the bow is cleaner."
John furrowed his brows, drumming his fingers on his thighs as he did when he was deep in thought. "Who's going to teach me if you get reaped?" Johanna smirked. He was always practical.
"Katniss. The one with the pretty blonde sister you like." Johanna stuck her tongue in her cheek as John blushed a little.
The triangle agreement to look after each other's siblings between the three of them remained in tact, even after Johanna's mother had... Well, after she and her siblings got put into the home as orphans. Though Johanna did somewhat considered herself lucky; Katniss's mother was a depressive and Gale's mother worked her fingers to the bone. Not that the community home was much better. The wardens and their steel hands had eyes everywhere, looking for any excuse to lay down a smacking. For Johanna those smackdowns came pretty frequently, especially with her being the eldest of all of them. Only a few other teenagers her age were there, and none with her big mouth. She couldn't imagine Katniss there, or little Primrose or Posy.
"If I get reaped, look for her after and tell her that she's to teach you how to hunt. Understood?" John nodded and Johanna smiled, straightening her posture. She smoothed out the wrinkles in her dress and attempted to look braver than she felt. "Grab the girls and let's go."
In spite of their situation, Johanna felt lucky to have her brother and sisters. Though she missed her parents with all her heart, it was just as hard to be someone like Katniss with the stoic mother and helpless sister. John was a solid boy, smart and intuitive. Celadine was frivolous but fortunately blessed with some extraordinary good looks for a young girl; she'd marry well. Primrose was like a fragile little bird that Johanna had watched Katniss protect and feed even at the cost of her own stomach.
When she found Katniss in the reaping audience, she was making eye contact with Gale from across the alley that separated the boys and girls. A shiny gold pin was affixed to her pale blue dress that caught the glint of the mid-afternoon sun and made it look aflame. Johanna stared at it while the Mayor spoke about the history of Panem, the reason for the Hunger Games. The Games were not reverence to the Capitol; it was fear and resignation of a tired, dirty nation. She and Gale would talk about it in the woods while Katniss kept quiet. She had more patience for the Capitol's bullshit than they did.
Effie Trinket, the effervescent and obnoxious escort of the last few years approached the podium and smiled at the audience. She did her usual spiel, the odds, the introduction, the words, the meaningless and prissy things she says. "Ladies first!" she cried as she dipped her long, painted fingernails into the bowl. Johanna looked at her own fingernails, only a very thin layer of grime today. She hadn't had time to wash up between securing the bow and the reaping. Oh well.
It was the name, sung out as clear as a bird song that jerked Johanna from her reverie. "Primrose Everdeen!" A series of whispers and shock rippled through them. Not Prim, they must've thought, she's too young. She's only one year ahead of John, twelve. Her first year. Katniss won't stand for it, she'll volunteer. Johanna thought of Prim without Katniss; starving as the goat she loves whittles away to nothing. Their useless mother pining over the loss of two pairs of gray eyes. Gale desperately trying to keep them all alive and being whipped at the post for hunting. Or worse, being killed for it and having now four young kids and two mothers with no caregiver.
She thought of Katniss watching her little sister die in the games. Watching this sweet girl get morphed into a killer and being cut down by the hand of some angry tributes. She would never kill anything. She'd hide and probably die of starvation. A fate worse than a knife to the throat. But brave, beautiful Katniss would never let that happen.
Johanna heard her voice and her body moved before her mind could do anything. Even in her fear, she ensured her voice cut out and rang truer, clearer than Effie's affected accent. "I volunteer as tribute." She stepped out from the crowd, immediately seized upon by Peacekeepers.
"Lovely!" Effie Trinket clapped her hands and mumbled something stupid about there being protocol to follow, but Johanna couldn't hear her. She couldn't hear anything but the strangled cries of her own sisters. They'd have to understand. They'd have to understand that John could keep them alive. That Gale and Katniss would help. That something deep within her veins forced this decision from her.
Johanna stepped up on to the stage, unable to look anywhere but blankly out into the crowd. Tears blurred her vision as she took in the blue and white and brown blobs in the audience. "What's your name, dear?"
"Johanna Mason," she heard herself say, in a voice not her own. It was hollow and meaningless. Just like her life now. She'd never see John take a wife or Celadine make a beautiful bride. She'd never see them in the few happy moments they're allowed in 12.
Effie called for a round of applause but no one clapped. No one dared even speak. Johanna watched the shift in the audience and then she saw her. Katniss. She pressed three fingers to her lips, then raised them up in the salute. The traditional good-bye of their district. Johanna couldn't tell from how far away she was standing, but it looked like Katniss was crying as Prim sobbed into her sister's dress.
But that was not what broke her. It was the next name called. It shouldn't have been a surprise, the odds were in no one's favor today. "Gale Hawthorne." Johanna heard the cry of Posy standing offsides with Hazelle, who began shedding silent tears for her boy. Her eldest. The closest thing she had to her husband. The sole caregiver for them.
Johanna's stomach sunk. What had she done? Katniss couldn't possibly care for them all. She'd be busy keeping the Hawthornes in food to look after Johanna's siblings. Immediately she was overcome with the need to take it back. She wanted to take it back, let Katniss or Prim stand here. Let one of them have to potentially seize the life of Gale.
They shook hands, eyes locked. He seemed to be trying to say something with his eyes, but all Johanna could think was how long they'd known each other, since they both could toddle, and how long they'd been friends - many years now. They were escorted into the Justice Building and Johanna sat in the most extravagant room she'd ever seen. The fabric in her chair was smooth but also kind of coarse when rubbed the wrong way. The movement of the fibers fascinated her until finally John, Celadine and Aurelia bursted through the doors. Aurelia climbed into her lap, sobbing hard into Johanna's dress. It was a hand-me-down of her mother's, one of the only she had left. They possessed so few things of their parents'. Most of her mother's things Johanna had sold for food. Most of her father's things she had bequeathed to John. This dress she kept for reapings. Fitting now that she would wear her mother's dress to her own suicide mission.
She heard herself giving them instructions: they were not to take out tesserae. John may take out one every other year if he chooses. He was to train hunting with Katniss and Cela was to begin helping Mrs. Everdeen with her apothecary business, for free. For the experience. Aurelia was to be kept protected from the lecherous guards in the home.
"You could win," John stated softly, his unwavering gaze reddened, but still as thoroughly stoic as always. "You're a great hunter and you're sly. You could trick them."
Johanna mused on this. She hadn't really thought about winning. Volunteering was essentially a death sentence. Before she could respond, a Peacekeeper informed them that their time was up. Johanna sighed as she hugged them good-bye. She tried to remember their smells - Aurelia of baby powder, Celadine of the wildflower she was named for, and John of wood and smoke. "Try to win," Celadine said in the soft, timid way she said everything. "Please try, 'Hanna. Please."
"I'll try. I promise." After the door closed behind them, Johanna sat back down on the weird fabric-covered chair and buried her face in her hands. How long had it been since she was bagging that wild turkey in the morning? Only a few hours. Only days since she and the others had celebrated Celadine's eighth birthday. The door opened again and Johanna was surprised to see the girl walk in.
Katniss. Every girl looks pretty on the day of the reaping, but Katniss's beautiful brown hair spun into the braid, her gray eyes sparkling in the sun that was coming through the window, she looked like a vision. Her eyes were reddened and puffy, probably having just said good-bye to Gale. "They let you wear something into the arena. A token from the district." She unhooked the pin from her dress and handed it to Johanna. She stopped short of putting it in her palm, deciding instead to pin it to Johanna. They were unbearably close, as Johanna could hear Katniss's heart beat and smell her, a mix of lavender and the outdoors.
"Thanks." Johanna looked up with a bemused smile. "I'm sure you're not going to wish me good luck. Not with Hawthorne a door away."
Katniss looked painfully toward the door, then settled her gaze on Johanna again. "I don't like owing people. But thank you." Johanna almost chuckled. Katniss had said it so slowly, like she didn't understand how to give gratitude. Johanna knew she didn't know, not really. That's why people around the Hob tolerated her, but they genuinely enjoyed Prim. Katniss could be prickly.
"We'll be even as long as you help out my kids." Katniss's eyes briefly registered confusion. "Not my actual kids, brainless. My brother and my sisters. Teach John how to use the bow. He's a fast learner." Johanna smiled mildly. "He's fond of your sister."
Katniss smiled back, treating Johanna to her cute dimple for the second time that day. "I noticed."
"My sister Celly can help your mom with the medicines. Learn from her. And Aurelia... she's...she's only six." Johanna swallowed the lump in her throat and leveled her gaze at the girl in front of her. "Don't let them do anything to her."
Suddenly she was wrapped in a hug she never expected. Katniss's lips found her ear through her hair. "It has to be someone, let it be one of you. One of you has to come back to me."
Johanna pulled away hoping Katniss didn't feel the shudder of her body as she whispered in her ear. Katniss's hand was on her cheek, a rare show of affection from the reserved girl. Johanna felt at once privileged and devastated to be on the end of that affection now. Within days she'd be dead. Hopefully Gale would come home, use his winnings to take care of all of them, just like they promised. In the few seconds they stared into each other's eyes, Johanna entertained the notion that she would win. Someone else would take out Gale, and maybe she could just wait around until the tributes took care of themselves. Worked for the morphlings in 6 every so often.
When she'd come back, she'd make sure Hazelle and her family were taken care of even if she tried to refuse the help. Though she wouldn't refuse; it was proud Gale who refused assistance. And Katniss... well, it's not like two women together were frowned upon. Times being what they were, a relationship that produced two working members and no children was not going to be struck down. It wasn't common, but it happened. Maybe they had a shot.
Katniss's eyes took on an intensity that Johanna had never seen. Her heart palpitated in her chest as she stupidly thought she was in for a kiss. Instead Katniss just ran her fingers through Johanna's hair. "Try to make a weapon. Don't go for the Cornucopia." Johanna knew of the bloodbaths that took place on the first day when they put a cornucopia in the center of the arena, filled with weapons and provisions. It became so wildly popular that the Capitol had done it for at least five years now. "Protect each other."
That's what they always swore to do. Before Johanna was forced on the periphery of their friendship, before she had to watch Gale and Katniss get closer over the years as she receded back into her family. The swift knock on the door made Katniss's face fall and Johanna found it within her to smirk. "What, no big kiss good-bye?" she taunted. Katniss's eyes looked up at her with amusement, the faint scattering of a blush on her cheeks. That was always something Johanna loved about Katniss: the purity. When Johanna and Gale would strip down their clothes and jump into the lake, Katniss would keep on her skivvies. Johanna took great pleasure in teasing her and Gale would watch, both mildly entertained and disapproving.
In spite of that purity, she was still capable of a few surprising moments. "How about when you get back?" she propositioned.
Johanna snorted as the Peacekeeper came in with a gruff "Time's up!" and took Johanna by the arm. "Now I have something to live for! A kiss from Katniss Everdeen!" Johanna said dramatically as she was ushered out the door. But something in her eyes, something she knew Katniss had seen by the way her smile had fallen, conveyed her seriousness.
I want to come back. I want that kiss.