12/11/2016
Dear Diary, I couldn't quite find the words to express my current feelings. For the last few days the only word that actually sprang to mind was miserable. Then again, I don't think that's the correct term for my exact feelings.
Up until lately, I genuinely could not find a word to describe my week but over the day's I have realised that miserable is as good a word as any. This became my conclusion when I noticed that there is no actual scale to measure hatred or sadness.
Therefore, I will stick with the dreary and dull feeling of misery.
I am not very literate and so I think that's a great way to put my heart into perspective. Lately, Alfred has done nothing but throw abuse in my direction. The constant string of insults are something that are incredibly hard to deal with, especially since I respect him so much.
Given the chance, I would like to be more like him in the future, he says that he's the hero and I am the ghostly background character.
I wanted to believe that this is untrue; however, it seems that it's something I can no longer ignore as an issue. Father (Arthur) walked past me yesterday without so much as a greeting, I spoke to him several times but each time I was ignored.
To be honest, I figured that I had done something wrong. Until, we sat down for lunch and my father greeted me as if he had never ignored me. I was confused and tried to ask why he had not listened before.
My papa answered this by jumping out of his skin when he noticed me sitting in front of him. Alfred continued mocking me and insulting my intelligence in reciprocation of this event.
I'm not too sure how I should go about telling him to stop so for now I shall take the cruelty.
My heart hurts, the type of pain that causes your breath to jolt and choke up in your throat. Even now, I am writing this in the living room with them completely ignoring me. That would be because my lovely brothers birthday is coming up.
It's actually next week.
They are planning a kick ass eighteenth party for him. Apparently, they are inviting everyone in our school and the whole family, it sounds awesome. I am to help papa cook for the party and help them by being a waiter at the bash...
It's my birthday that day too...
I wanted to tell them that they have forgotten about that but they might be joking and therefore it would be troublesome for me to tell them something they already know. I am also eighteen, my brother and I are half-twins from two different fathers.
Funny, since me and Al have never been very close since he decided to become a football player. It's a little lonely but I'm very glad that he found a place that he fit's in. I still don't have any friends but soon I hope that someone will take notice of me and become a friend of mine.
Al told me that nobody would care or notice if I died and that I should kill myself, it startled me at first but the more I contemplated it, the more it makes sense to just end it all and die. My parent's might not even notice and Al has made it clear that he doesn't care about me anymore.
It's fine.
I'm fine.
Just fine...
Thanks' for lending an ear, love from Matthew Williams. xxx
Matthew closed the diary before walking out of the room.
It had been a full week since he wrote that entry. It was one of the more personal pages that he had ever actually wrote. It was true, every word of it. He didn't want to think about what had just happened but unfortunately it was too fresh in his mind.
Matthew and Alfred had finally turned the sweet age of eighteen.
Finally... Mattie found himself pondering the events that lead up to this moment, the moment he died.
"Matthew please can you serve the guests drinks, your uncles will want to speak to you of course so serve them first before the rest of the people arrive" Arthur firmly stated as he handed two large jugs to the little blond almost making him fall with their heavy weight.
"Yes, father but did you know..." Matthew began before he father struck him with a harsh look that told him to leave Francis and Arthur alone. He noticed that Alfred was already chatting up every available person at the party before sending a dark smirk at his struggling brother.
Matthew held the drinks up to his face slightly to inspect them, it seemed like he had been given a container of apple and orange juice much to his chagrin.
The place was packed and everyone seemed to be flocking towards him, helping themselves to the containers that he was holding.
They didn't even seem to care that he was trying to get to someone in particular. Within moments both of the drinks had gone into the crowd of rowdy teenagers who were all struggling to contain their joy at being at the raving party.
It was no secret that this was the biggest party of the year, especially since his brother was the Captain of the football team, Prom king and most eligible and dateable boy in the whole school.
Matthew, he wasn't part of any groups, well he had tried to join the library monitors, but non of them noticed him.
Since, the drinks were gone he decided to try to find his uncles but he couldn't quite find them.
"Matthew, is that you amigo?" A familiar voice asked from behind him making him smile.
The blond turned with a coy grin, faking joy. "Uncle Antonio, where's Lovi and Feli?" Matthew questioned, wanting to see his two favourite uncles.
"Can't you just deal with me for now, you're so mean Mattie" Toni joked before pulling the teen into a bear hug.
"Of course I can" he whispered before hugging back.
Toni heard the last comment and frowned slightly, the kid seemed so defeated, though this was definitely not his setting. The Matthew he knew was quiet and kind and wasn't a loud party animal like Al.
"Well, this is an amazing party I didn't expect so many people to fit into this house" Toni announced before looking at the small happy blond.
"He..." The Canadian started before Antonio added a quick "I was actually hoping to see the birthday boy before the end of the night, Lovi is trying to find Feli who went after Ludwig whose brother is coming here, drama right?" The Spaniard finished before grinning at the other twin. Matthew was slightly devastated that even Toni didn't know it was his birthday and that Lovi was off somewhere.
"Okay Uncle, I'm going to see if father and papa need any more help" Matthew excused himself before running away from the far too happy Spanish man.
He really just wanted to hug uncle Lovino who always remembered him.
No matter what, he never forgot his little nephew.
"Father, they all just grabbed the drinks so do you need any more hel..." Matthew began before glancing up to see his parents tongues down each other's throats. He quietly exited the room and headed into the main area to see if he could find Lovino or Feliciano.
After concluding that they wasn't there he perched himself on the stairs where nobody was allowed to go.
Since he lived there he figured nobody would question it.
Not like they would notice him anyway.
It had been around two hours since the start of the party and it was still as lively as ever.
His brother had gotten a new outfit and already received his main gift, they got him a new car.
He was using the old family car before and Matthew had to use it too. Mattie hadn't gotten his gift's yet so he didn't complain about it.
They had passed their tests a week after their seventeenth birthday.
Alfred had another party to celebrate, but Matthew didn't go.
He only found out three months later that his fathers didn't know that he had gotten his licence a few days before Al.
He decided not to tell them.
It didn't matter, it was just fine.
The atmosphere got louder and louder and people started to part ways in the centre of the party.
"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you" their fathers began to sing at the front of the party effectively annoying the footballer.
Matthew smiled at them as they continued, Antonio was with them and so was Lovino and Feliciano with Ludwig.
"Happy birthday, dear Alfred" they sang making Matthew's face fall. It wasn't the first birthday that they had forgotten.
No, it was the last ten. In all of which, his brother had thrown a party.
"Happy birthday to you" the final chorus rang out, this time with everyone singing along.
Well, except Al and Matthew. They cut the cake and started handing out alcohol. Matthew stood up, and head to his bedroom in the attic. It was damp and dusty but he liked it there. At least nobody could bother him. He could still hear the people shouting from the landing.
A familiar voice shouted up to him "Mattieeeee, are you up here?" He automatically recognised it as his overly enthusiastic uncle Feliciano. "Yes" he answered softly. "Gimme a hug" the Italian yelled as he burst into the room. "Oi, bastard Veniziano let him go or you'll fucking kill him" a harsh voice cut in.
"Uncle Feli... Let go... Can't breathe..." Mattie choked out. Feli let him go with a pout. Mattie composed himself before softly hugging his bitter uncle Lovi.
"I missed you two" The blond whispered to the two Italians.
They were not his actual Uncles.
In fact he didn't have any but these were as close as he could get.
"This fucking party is full of too many shitty teenage bastards" his uncle spat out.
"At least we said happy fucking birthday to your brother, we wanted to say bye before we left" Lovi growled before getting up and ruffling his nephews hair.
"Ciao, Mattie" he called before leaving. Feli gave him another huge hug before exiting too. He watched them pull away in a car before falling to the floor. They forgot his birthday, for the first time in history. Matthew dried his teary eyes on his red sleeved hoodie.
He couldn't cry, the party wasn't over. He still had to go and find his parents and wish them a good night. Matthew clambered down the stairs only to find his slightly drunk brother with a bunch of football players.
"Yo, Mattie lets play" Al giggled before pulling his brother to the yard where the snow that had been falling for about a day or two lay solid.
"Let's play a game called...Drown" Alfred slurred with a sly look on his face.
The others laughed violently.
"That's not really a game Alfie" Mattie pondered aloud.
"Wanna bet" Al growled before pushing his brother backwards into a large puddle of slightly cracked ice in the middle of the garden.
Everyone around them laughed loudly as he fell.
Mattie had never felt so cold in his life.
Every part of his body went completely numb as his limbs froze. He kicked himself up to the near surface of the water but as he tried to get out he noticed that the ice on the lake wouldn't break.
Matthew kicked and punched the glass, his freezing hand cramping up as he tried.
Above the ice he could see what looked like a smirking Al watching him slowly drown under the icy lake.
Shivers rippled through his body as he slammed his head on the ice cover above him.
Matthew's body went still. He found that he had no longer got any control over his motor functions as his brother walked away from the hole in the ice above him.
Mattie tried to open his mouth to scream before finding that his vision was slowly fading. In front of his eyes flashed thousands, maybe millions of images, each of them showing different events from his life.
From being a baby to the modern-day.
Every picture filled with both joy and sadness.
Some of them dark and brutal, from the time that his brother told him he hated him and wanted him to die, to being the one who actually killed him.
The time he tried to cut his wrists but knew it would do no good and the first time they forgot to buy him a single Christmas present.
The time he wished that his father to get a job that made him happy while sat on Santa's lap, to the moment he regretted it as his parents screamed at him for making a stranger think they neglected him.
Even the times when he would see Al fall over and try to help him up only to be beaten up by his brother instead.
The darkness overtook him as he saw himself floating under the water cold and lifeless.
Matthew closed his eyes as all went silent and still.