Total Drama Chalkboard Bungle
One day in SmatVille, Chef Hatchet is driving in his car. He drives up to the Total Drama water tower, where Lindsay is standing next to it.
Chef Hatchet : I'm here to see the chairman of the board. I'm Chef Hatchet Hatchet, the new studio teacher.
Lindsay: Ah, you must be new 'cause I haven't ever seen you before.
Chef Hatchet : Haven't ever? That's a negative. Grammar, grammar, grammar.
Chef Hatchet pulls out a red marker from his shirt.
Chef Hatchet : I'm going to have to give you an F!
Chef Hatchet writes an F on Lindsay's forehead. Then he drives off. Lindsay is saddened at the F on her forehead.
Lindsay: Boy, my folks are gonna kill me.
In Total Drama's Chairman room, Chef Hatchet is sitting on a chair, facing Chris McLean.
Chris McLean: Mr. Chef Hatchet. I've hired you because you're a fine teacher. But mostly because you're a strict discipliner.
Chef Hatchet : How kind.
In the background, Ducan, Courtney and Owen are driving planes on the water tower.
Chris McLean: However, the assignment I'm giving you will not be…You see, the kids are not normal children.
Chris McLean sees the fun the kids are having and the closes the curtains. He puts a piece of gum in his mouth and chews it.
Chris McLean: Now, I'd expect that they'll be-
Chef Hatchet (cutting him off): I will not tolerate gum-chewing. Spit it out. Come, come, come. Give me the gum!
Chef Hatchet slaps Chris McLean's back and he spits out the gum. He pulls a red marker out of his shirt (again).
Chef Hatchet : Gum-chewing is for horses! F!
Chef Hatchet writes an F on Chris McLean's forehead. This made Chris McLean angry.
Chris McLean: Mr. Hatchet! I don't think you-!
Chef Hatchet (cutting him off again): I don't slouch! Sit up straight!
Chef Hatchet lifts up Chris McLean and drops him back onto his seat.
Chef Hatchet : Now, you were saying? And speak up. No mumbling!
Chris McLean: Mr. Hatchet! Do you mind? I am not in class! I! I and you! Now will you please be quiet?
Chef Hatchet glares at the screen.
Chris McLean: It will be your job get those insane kids under control. But they can be difficult.
Chef Hatchet : So can I. There hasn't been a child yet that Mr. Hatchet hasn't been able to control. Except Izzy, but that's genetic.
Chef Hatchet closes up on Chris McLean.
Chef Hatchet : Now tell me. When do I get to meet the little ones?
Chris McLean (nervously): I'll have Lindsay to bring them by.
Chef Hatchet : Don't keep me waiting.
At school, Chef Hatchet is waiting in a quiet classroom for Lindsay. There is a knock at the door.
Chef Hatchet : Come in.
Lindsay, wearing an exterminator suit, walks in, holding a box, saying "DANGER! Volatile Contents". She puts the box onto Chef Hatchet 's desk. (Don't ask how Lindsay got strong)
Chef Hatchet : School supplies?
Lindsay: Uh, no, Mr. Hatchet. This is your students.
Lindsay pulls a hook from her pocket.
Lindsay: Don't open it 'till I leave.
Lindsay gives Chef Hatchet the hook.
Lindsay: Here.
Lindsay runs out of the classroom in a flash. Like Lindsay said, Chef Hatchet opens the box. Ducan, Courtney and Owen pop out of the box one by one.
Ducan: School!
Courtney: School!
Owen: School!
All: Schoo-oo-oo-oo-ool!
Ducan, Courtney and Owen jump out of the box.
All: Our first day of school
We're eager little learners
Courtney fills Ducan and Owen with a jug of facts.
All: So fill our brains with lots of facts
Our first day of school!
The kids go to some bookshelves one by one and give Chef Hatchet lots of books.
Ducan: Teach!
Courtney: Teach!
Owen: Teach!
All: We're ready for our lessons!
So teach us Math, Geometry,
Don't forget Geography!
English Lit. and Chemistry
They get out an ABC book and throw it on top of the books Chef Hatchet is holding.
And please throw in the ABCs!
The kids jump onto the tower of books.
Oh, teacher, teach us nooooow!
Chef Hatchet loses grip of the books and they all fall on him.
Chef Hatchet : This is a classroom, not a music hall! Now find your seats!
Ducan, Courtney and Owen are standing on their hands.
Ducan: Got my seat.
Owen: Got mine.
Courtney: Here's mine.
Ducan: Bet you don't have trouble finding yours.
Chef Hatchet : Go to your desks!
The kids run to their desks. Ducan is on the left seat, Courtney is on the second and Owen is on the right.
Chef Hatchet : We will begin class by reciting the pledge of allegiance. Please repeat after me.
Ducan, Courtney and Owen: Please repeat after me.
Chef Hatchet : No, no, no. Wait until I start, then repeat after me.
Ducan, Courtney and Owen: No, no, no. Wait until I start, then repeat after me.
Chef Hatchet (pointing his finger): Stop that! I'm warning you!
Ducan, Courtney and Owen (doing the same): Stop that! I'm warning you!
Chef Hatchet (jumping up and down): Stop it, stop it, stop it!
Ducan, Courtney and Owen (doing the same): Stop it, stop it, stop it!
Chef Hatchet : If you don't stop it right now, I shall scream!
Ducan, Courtney and Owen: If you don't stop it right now, I shall scream!
Chef Hatchet (really ticked off): All right! That's it!
Ducan, Courtney and Owen: All right! That's it!
Chef Hatchet : AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
Chef Hatchet runs out of the classroom, screaming.
Ducan, Courtney and Owen: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!
The kids do the same. Then, they come back in and sit at their desks.
kids: With liberty and justice for all.
They run back out again.
Later, Chef Hatchet has written the classroom rules on the board. They are:
No talking, no moving, no guitar playing, no laughing, no squirming, no gum-chewing, no drawing, no smiling, no singing, no sky diving, no guts, no glory, no yawning, no ducks, no swimming, no shirt, no shoes, no service, no blah, blah, blah, no rock and roll, no vermicelli, no TV watching, no dogs allowed, no camping, no use, no salamanders, no running, no yelling, no raucousness, no stopping, no parking, no snorkelling, no fishing, no smoking, no rain dancing, no square dancing, no service, NO, NO, NO ANYTHING!
Chef Hatchet : Let me warn you that I will tolerate no foolishness. Are we clear?
Ducan: No, we're opaque.
Ducan snaps his fingers, causing him, Courtney and Owen to be almost invisible.
Ducan: Now we're clear.
Chef Hatchet : Oh. Let us begin.
Ducan puts his hand up.
Ducan: Oh, oh. Don't you wanna see our homework?
Chef Hatchet : How can you have homework? This is the first day of school.
Courtney: Extra credit.
An angel's halo appears over Courtney's head
Chef Hatchet : Let me see it.
Ducan: You can't. My dog ate it.
Chef Hatchet : Don't lie.
Courtney: We're not lying. See?
Owen is on the floor, acting like a dog and ripping up Ducan's "homework". Chef Hatchet pulls tries to pull the paper from him.
Chef Hatchet : Bad dog! Give me that! Give! Give it now!
Owen finally lets go. Chef Hatchet bangs into the board, causing some ABC blocks to fall on him.
He emerges from the blocks.
Chef Hatchet : I'm warning you! Don't make me use corporal punishment!
Ducan: You mean him?
A fierce soldier glares at Chef Hatchet . Chef Hatchet chuckles nervously.
Chef Hatchet : Let us begin with our lessons. We'll start with Math. Ducan, can you count to 100?
Ducan: 1, 2, skip a few, 99, 100!
Chef Hatchet : No. Give me all the numbers.
Ducan: Hey, it's only a 6-minute cartoon.
Chef Hatchet : Let's move on. Owen, can you multiply?
Owen copies himself like an amoeba.
All Owens: How's this?
Chef Hatchet : Not that sort of multi-!
Chef Hatchet calms down.
Chef Hatchet : Let's leave Math, shall we? We'll move on to Science. Courtney, what can you tell me about the great scientists of the 18th century?
Courtney: They're all dead.
Chef Hatchet : No, no, no!
Courtney: All right, they're all living.
Chef Hatchet : No, no, no!
Ducan: Well, now we're getting into philosophy.
Chef Hatchet : We're not getting into phi-!
Chef Hatchet pulls a handkerchief from his shirt and wipes his head with it.
Chef Hatchet : We'll move onto Grammar. Owen, what is the meaning of the word procrastination?
Owen: I'll tell you tomorrow.
Chef Hatchet : You children are making this very difficult!
Ducan: Well, learning isn't easy.
Chef Hatchet : Let's move on to Sentence Structure. First, verbs. Ducan, can you conjugate?
Ducan: Who, me? I'm not married to Courtney yet.
Chef Hatchet : No, no, no. It's easy. I'll show you.
Ducan: (to viewers) Goodnight, everybody!
Chef Hatchet : You don't understand. Let me go to the board and show you.
Ducan: (to viewers) Don't look.
Chef Hatchet writes a sentence on the board.
Chef Hatchet : The dog ran in the rain.
While Chef Hatchet isn't looking, Ducan, Courtney and Owen play badminton.
Chef Hatchet : Dog is the subject and ran is the verb. Now the verb-
Chef Hatchet witnesses something from behind and turns around. The kids are at their desks. Chef Hatchet turns to the front. After he does, Ducan, Courtney and Owen get out of their desks and start leaping in the air with skipping ropes.
Chef Hatchet : The verb could be conjugated so that the dog-
Chef Hatchet turns around again to see the kids at their desks.
Chef Hatchet : I know what you're doing. I have eyes in the back of my head.
Ducan: Really? So do we!
The kids turn their heads to reveal to two eyes on the back of them. Owen mistakenly reveals nine. Chef Hatchet doesn't know what to say but leaves that subject.
Chef Hatchet : It's time for a pop quiz.
Courtney puts a blindfold over Ducan's eyes and pulls two types of cola. One is Dew-ola (Mountain Dew Parody) and the other is Dr. Lighting ( Parody).
Chef Hatchet : What are you doing?
Courtney: Pop quiz.
Ducan samples the Dew-ola, then the Dr. Lighting.
Ducan: I like the first one.
Owen is playing a piano while Ducan and Courtney are in spotlights, dancing.
Owen: He likes Dew-ola , mama.
Ducan and Courtney: Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Chef Hatchet jumps onto the piano, really annoyed.
Chef Hatchet : Stop that! Stop that! Sit at your desks this instant!
The kids obey his order.
Chef Hatchet pulls a red marker from his shirt (yet again).
Ducan: Ooh, what else have you got in there?
Chef Hatchet : Why you little…F!
Chef Hatchet writes an F on Ducan's forehead. This made Ducan disappointed.
Courtney: Hey! You can't do that to him!
Chef Hatchet : F!
Chef Hatchet writes an F on Courtney's forehead. This made Courtney start crying. It also made Owen laugh his head off.
Chef Hatchet : F!
Chef Hatchet writes an F on Owen's forehead. It made Owen really, really mad.
Ducan: Oh, now you've gone and hurt his feelings.
Courtney: I'd apologise if I were you.
Chef Hatchet : I will not, you horrid naughty children!
An enraged Owen builds up his anger so much that he explodes. Chef Hatchet watches fear.
Later, Lindsay drives up to the school and comes into the classroom, where Chef Hatchet is writing something on the board. The box, which was seen earlier, is on the desk.
Lindsay: Have you bordered up the kids, uh… the Bad boy, Leader girl, and Heavy guy?
Chef Hatchet : Yes. Take them away.
Lindsay picks up the box carries it out of the classroom. Then, Chef Hatchet is ripped off, revealing Ducan, Courtney and Owen in disguise.
Ducan: Recess!
The kids run off.
Meanwhile, a crane is lifting the box into the water tower, with Chef Hatchet in it.
Chef Hatchet : GET ME OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW! I'LL GIVE YOU AN F! DO YOU HEAR ME? F, F, F, F, F!