Yumi- A pretty confusing and meaningless oneshot.
Oko- In celebration of Awesome August. For more information, go to our profile!
Bob- *bored look* who can find the unintentional Britney Spear reference?
Yumi- (it really was unintentional!) Sayounara!
-x-
Lost.
("Hikaru! I cant find it!")
Is a word of many meanings.
("Uhm...I don't know where I am...")
So many meanings.
("Its just a game, Kaoru.")
To be unable to find. To be wanted.
("Its...really perfect...")
To be despised.
-x-
L O S T
(The word of far too many meanings)
-x-
"Kaoru. Kaoru."
The older boy received no answer. He didn't really expect one.
"How did it come to this?"
But he knew the answer all too well...
-x-
~Hitachiin twins, four years old~
Hikaru Hitachiin lay back on his bed, waiting for his twin to come back from the bathroom. His mother had informed him a few months earlier that Kaoru was more than old enough to go to the bathroom by himself, as was he, and there was no need for them to go together anymore. Hikaru had reluctantly obliged to this request and was now in a situation where he was having withdrawal symptoms from his twins hand in his.
His hand twitched pathetically; desperate for the warmth that there was a lack of in late.
Hikaru shot up from his position on the duvet once he heard the door of the bathroom creak open. He turned around fast, initially smiling cheerfully at the identical figure in the doorway before his expression quickly changed to concern.
Kaoru was chewing his thumb in a way that he did only when he was nervous and there were slight hint of tears pooling at the corners of his eyes. He sniffled slightly, his other hand pulling his sweater down in an anxious manner. Hikaru jumped off the bed, scampering towards him in a hurry and putting his small hands on his brother's shoulders in a comforting gesture.
"Kaoru! Whats wrong, Kaoru?" he asked worriedly, looking for sign of any bruising or cut. But Kaoru was unscathed.
"Hikaru," he whimpered lightly, "I cant find my teddy..."
Hikaru blinked, staring down at Kaoru's empty hands. True enough, while Kaoru's hand was always in Hikaru's, his other hand was always occupied by the little comforter he'd won at the far a year back, in the shape of a small phoenix. It almost made Hikaru jealous that that toy received just as much attention as him. Almost. Because it would be stupid to feel resentment towards an inanimate object.
The younger sniffled again. "I didn't have it when I was in the bathroom so I guess I lost it somewhere else," he told his big brother pathetically.
Hikaru stared at Kaoru a moment longer before his face stretched out into a grin. "I'll help you find it, Kaoru!" he replied cheerfully, feeling happy with the look of unadulterated excitement Kaoru gave him at that statment, making him feel proud of himself.
"Really, Hikaru!" Kaoru asked in amazement, reaching out to clutch his brother's hand.
Hikaru nodded, smiling. "Its what big brother's do! Silly!"
Kaoru's smile widened has he giggled, ducking his head cutely. "Yeah!"
Hikaru brought Kaoru forward, looking under the bed and seeing nothing. He yanked off the duvet, but nothing was underneath it. He checked under the pillows. Nothing. He checked inside the pillows. Nadda. He sighed. He checked in the drawer. Zilch.
Kaoru blinked. Hikaru grumbled. "Dont worry, I'll find it," he reassured gently, earning a small smile from his younger.
But it wasn't in the closet, it wasn't in the play box, it wasn't on the windowsill or the chair. It wasn't by the bookshelf, it wasn't in the hallway. Hikaru was beginning to get worried for the safety of the little stuffed toy and the tears were starting to pool in his little brother's eyes again.
"Hikaru," he mumbled sadly, wiping away the tears with his balled up fist and using all his willpower not to sniffle or sob, "If you cant find it, its alright."
Hikaru scowled, feeling more motivated then ever now. "No! I'll find it! Just you see!" He lead Kaoru down to the bed, where he sat him down and went searching again, checking every nook and cranny a thousand times with no avail.
He sighed. Then he saw a wing. Hikaru blinked, turning fully to the doorway to the bathroom to acknowledge the fiery red wing hanging limply at the threshold. He went up slowly, scared that the seemingly miracle would disappear if he went to fast and bent down to pick it up. He tugged, yanking it of the floor and flourishing it, feeling immensely proud at the squeals his brother then released at the sight of it.
Kaoru ran forward, grabbing the phoenix toy and knocking Hikaru to the floor with glee, smothering his face in a shower of innocent, appreciative kisses, ignoring the cries of protest his brother emitted. "You're the best, Hikaru!" he squealed in joy, clinging to his neck in sheer happiness, "You're the bestest big brother ever!"
Hikaru grinned happily at this statement and allowed himself to be showered with pecks and I love you's.
-x-
Lost is a description for something you cant find
-x-
~Hitachiin twins, seven years old~
Kaoru rarely went anywhere by himself. Yes, he could go to the bathroom, or to brush his teeth, or get dressed by himself. Although, he would prefer to do all those things with Hikaru, there was no real need. And he definitely didn't want to seem like a baby.
He wasn't a baby.
Hikaru called him a baby sometimes because he was apparently so very clingy. Kaoru didn't know what gave him the right to call him a baby when he was just as codependent as he himself. That woud probably be the main reason Kaoru decided to go get himself some milk from the kitchen while Hikaru was brushing his teeth for bed all by himself.
Because he could.
He wasn't a stupid little baby.
Making sure Hikaru was occupied by the maid supervising him- probably to make sure he didn't just pretend to brush- Kaoru snuck out their bedroom door, so very proud of himself that he wasn't getting caught. He shut the door gently behind him, his padded slippers not making a sound on the wooden floor. He had his, now quite moth eaten, comforter dangling out of his right hand his other hand directing him along as he kept it brushed by the wall.
He patted down the stairs, ignoring the strange looks he received from the maids as he went all by himself. They never saw one without the other. It must seem like a small miracle to see him by himself. Kaoru smiled cheerfully to himself. He wouldn't admit it really, but it did make him feel kind of proud to be grown up enough to stray this far from Hikaru's side.
He felt a tug on his arm, and, jumping, he twirled around to face one of the younger maids. She was looking down at him, bending her knees so she was on his level, a look of concern etched on his face. "Young Master," she asked, politely not calling him by name-as she probably couldn't tell- "Where is your brother?" She bit her lip, turning away a bit. "You didn't argue, did you?"
Kaoru blinked, questioning the intellect of this girl. He and his brother never fought. Imbecile. "No!" he stated defiantly. The maid smiled down at him apologetically.
"Of course you two didn't. You're like two peas in a pod," she chuckled, taking his hand in hers, "Why dont I bring you back upstairs to him-"
"No!" Kaoru protested, yanking his hand from the lady's and running headlong down the hallway. He wasn't going back upstairs because he hadn't got his milk yet and then Hikaru would think he was a baby again when he wasn't!
He ran aimlessly until he ended up in a room he'd didn't recognize. He blinked, taking in the reddish brown carpet and the faded photographs on the walls. There were a few old knick knacks and dressers and an ancient, cracked mirror.
But, Kaoru had no clue where he was.
He remembered being told when he was very little that if he ever couldn't find his Mommy or Daddy- though he rarely was able to find his father. He just kind of faded into the background and was hard to notice- or Hikaru, he was to stay in the one spot and he'd be found eventually.
He sat down on the carpet, playing with the fraying ends to pass time, pulling them out and wrapping them around his fingers so they'd snap. Time passed a bit and he had fixed two sides of the rug and still no one had come for him and he was beginning to get a bit frightened. It must've been quite late because he was starting to get sleepy. He yawned, rubbing his eyes as he felt tears seep into them. He might not be found. That was a scary thought.
He felt the tears overflow a bit, running down his cheeks lightly as he cuddled his stuffed animal closer, glad he brought it for a bit of comfort at least. He would've preferred Hikaru to cuddle into, but he wasn't here. Kaoru sighed, his breath making the fluff on the little bird stand up. He was beginning to wonder if Hikaru had even realized he was missing.
He sniffled, burying his head into the phoenix's fiery fur as the door creaked open. His head shot up to find that it was the maid from earlier. She gave him a small smile and bent down to offer him her hand. "What were you looking for, Young Master?" she asked gently as she pulled him to his feet once he's took her hand.
"Milk," he mumbled quietly, allowing her to lead him out of the room.
She smiled softly down at the young child. "The kitchen is just down the stairs," she told him, bringing him down the flight of steps and through the double doors. He felt really stupid then. He could've gotten there all by himself if he wasn't such a scaredy cat.
The young girl picked him up, sitting him down on the counter as she poured the milk out of the fridge into two small glasses. Kaoru looked at her, his head cocked to one side and she smiled across the room at him. "Doesn't your twin want some too?" Kaoru nodded quickly, smiling a thank you at the lady before taking one of the glasses from her.
She smiled, holding on to the other glass for Hikaru as she brought him back up the stairs, to his room.
When she opened the door, Hikaru was sitting on the bed, staring at the doorway worriedly, before his face cracked into a humongous smile as he leaped of the bed to hug his twin excitedly. "Kaoru Kaoru Kaoru!" he exclaimed happily, "Where did you go, Kaoru? I was worried!"
Kaoru blinked a few times in amusement before giggling and replying- "Milk."
Hikaru sighed, tut tutting at him before saying- "But what would'a happened if you'd got lost, huh?"
Kaoru blinked. "I did." He almost laughed at Hikaru's horror stricken expression before continuing, "But I was found so it was alright, right!"
Hikaru pouted, hugging Kaoru again. "Silly."
The young maid smiled at the reunion before leaving Hikaru's glass down on the dresser and making her exit unknown to the two hugging children...
-x-
Lost is being unable to find your way to where you wish to go.
-x-
~Hitachiin twins, age fourteen~
The two pixel characters on the bright screen fought mercilessly, stabbing each other and protecting themselves. Kaoru couldn't help but find it strange that the animated character could keep on fighting even though he had been stabbed, sticky red video game blood pouring everywhere, staining the ground they were fighting on. In real life you would be in far too much pain to keep fighting, surely. You'd just give in. Go down in a heap. A heap of blood and stab wounds.
Man, games sure were illogical.
Not that he didn't take guilty pleasure in playing such illogical things.
He pressed the A button halfheartedly, watching Hikaru more intently than his character. His brother had his tongue stuck out in concentration as he pressed the A button repeatedly, making his little character stab uncontrollably. Kaoru stifled a laugh. Hikaru looked funny.
Hikaru heard the small sound Kaoru had let out and turned to him, blinking in confusion. In other words, his gaze was distracted from the game long enough for Kaoru to get a stab in. Hikaru turned back in utter horror, shooting a glare before turning his attention back to the television screen.
Kaoru smirked.
He threw himself back into he game too, stabbing and defending like there was no tomorrow. So he almost didn't feel the hand slip around his shoulder and pull him a bit closer. Almost.
He blinked, turning his head to look at where Hikaru was sitting, innocently playing his game with his arm threw over his younger brother. Kaoru blinked, and turned back to his game. It wasn't really that abnormal, but it felt funny.
Stab stab protect stab protect protect stab stab stab stab protect- "Hey Kaoru?"
Kaoru blinked, interrupted, turning to face his brother once more. Hikaru was looking at him from the corner of his eye, keeping one eye on the game at all times. Kaoru nodded to acknowledge his 'hey'. Hikaru smiled at him before adding- "Will you kiss me?"
Kaoru felt his eyes widen as Hikaru scooted even closer, thigh to thigh, foot to foot. He leaned in, his face a few inches away from Kaoru's. "Will you?"
Kaoru felt his cheeks flush a bit as he tried to keep his voice calm as he replied,- "Why?"
"Come on, Kaoru," Hikaru said grinning, "We'll have to do stuff like that when we start the act in Mi'lord's weird club anyways," he leaned closer again, his breath tickling Kaoru's neck, "Why dont we start to practice now, huh?"
Kaoru's lip wobbled as he faltered, trying to find something to say under the pressure he was feeling. Hikaru's right eyebrow cocked up in anticipation. Kaoru tried to avert his gaze from his brother's stare. Did he? Could he really kiss his brother?
Brhm brhm brhm!-...Game Over...
Hikaru pulled away, triumphantly. Kaoru blinked before turning back to the screen. He scowled. Hikaru had won; he'd been too distracted to pay attention. He shot daggers at his brother who grinned back. "You made me lose," Kaoru accused, complaining.
"Well," Hikaru chuckled, "Its just a game!"
Kaoru sighed, flopping back on the beanie bag he was sitting on, his hands behind his head, closing his eyes. He heard rustling and felt himself move a bit. Chain reaction. He opened his eyes to see Hikaru leaning over him, knees on either side of him and his face dangling a few inches away from his own. Kaoru blinked, confused, flushing slightly as he struggled to get out from underneath Hikaru so he wouldn't be at his mercy, failing because of lack of room.
"Move please," he almost begged, struggling under his brother's hold, earning a smirk.
"Kiss me," Hikaru murmured softly, his breath warming Kaoru's quivering lips, blowing bits of his orange fringe over, mussing it. Kaoru breathed out, his eyes widening again as Hikaru swooped down, capturing his lips and stealing his first kiss. Kaoru's eyes opened so far he thought they'd roll out of his head as his cheeks flamed.
A maid opened the door, smiling cheerfully. Her expression changed to a look or shock as she blushed heavily and ducked her head, her hair covering her expression. "Sorry, Young Master's. I w-wont intrude again." She stumbled out the door again. Hikaru didn't even acknowledge her late presence.
Hikaru broke away, grinning down at his flustered little brother. "New game," he confirmed cheerfully, leaning in again as Kaoru touched gently his mouth in surprise, "Lets see if you're as bad of a sore loser at this one, shall we?" Kaoru didn't struggle this time as Hikaru claimed his lips roughly again.
It was the start of a new game.
Though Kaoru wasn't sure what kind of game this was; or what the outcome was going to be...
-x-
Lost is term used when you fail or do not win
-x-
~Hitachiin twins, age sixteen~
They were running so fast now. The feet hitting the ground simultaneously. Hand in hand, shoulder to shoulder, through the too long grass of the small forest at the back of Ouran High. The wouldn't stop running yet, though their breath was ragged and their lungs crying out in protest in league with the muscles in their legs.
They ran.
They weren't to go too far in the host club. Like Haruhi never bluntly told the guests every detail in her stories. Hunny never ate far too much cake-though he did eat quite a lot. Tamaki never went overboard when seducing a princess. And they weren't meant to kiss during host club hours.
Kyoya said that some of the guests only went to see if they'd do that. Now that they had, all interest was lost.
Tamaki said that some princesses might tell others and word would get out and it might be bad.
Haruhi simply said it wasn't quite legal.
Hunny and Mori made no comment.
So Hikaru and Kaoru ran.
They ran hand in hand out the doors, down the steps and around the bends, dodging fan girls and teachers and other late students before running out the main doors and racing into the forest. Running away from the wide eyes, blunt stares, dark glares and innocent watchings. All prying eyes were far behind now.
They tumbled to the ground in a heap, gasping and laughing as they rolled on the broken leaves strewn across the forest floor. The lay down next to each other, laughing in bursts of uncontrollable giggles.
"Did you see his face!"
"Hah, the fan girls were in freakin' heaven!"
"They're just mad that they have to clean up to the nosebleed stains on the carpet!"
They stopped laughing and rolled to face each other, neutral expressions donning their features. They both knew full well that the club was only worried for their safety, like any real or faux family would. And here they were mocking this caring attitude of theirs.
"Messing them up like that," Hikaru muttered regretfully.
"Just for some prank," Kaoru continued.
But they both knew that this was no longer just some game. If it was just a game; a prank, then they would've grown tired of it eventually. Two years is a lot of going for them. Nothing else would last that long. It was the only logical conclusion, and considering their situation, it wasn't very logical.
Hikaru leaned in, dragging his head forward in the grass to press a chaste kiss on Kaoru's lips. The younger's eyes fluttered closed as he pushed in further, holding his lips for longer than necessary. Hikaru pulled away eventually, looking into identical amber irises, just as filled with trust as his own.
"Its not a game anymore," the older said quietly, finally voicing what neither of them had wanted to admit to for so long. Kaoru nodded, and all was done.
Hikaru leaned in again, capturing his younger's lips, pulling him closer and dragging his fingers through his auburn hair. Kaoru wrapped his arms around his older's neck, pressing himself into him, opening his mouth dutifully at the first poke of his brother's tongue. They pulled away, looking at each other lightly.
There was another kiss and another and a few more following; after every one, they broke away and looked at each other, 'Dont tell, I wont' written in their eyes, before they'd lean in again.
No one was coming to look for them.
Hikaru rolled over to take place on top of Kaoru, his breath coming down on his younger and ruffling through his hair. Kaoru stared into Hikaru's eyes once again before craning his neck to press his lips to Hikaru's again. They had nothing else to do. And this was pleasant enough.
Hikaru kept himself propped up with one arm, using his other to run through Kaoru's fiery fringe as Kaoru's hands clenched his shirt, keeping them lip-locked. Hikaru's hand slipped down to his brother's tie, just about removing it before Kaoru managed to break away.
"N-no Hikaru," he mumbled halfheartedly, watching Hikaru's face grow dejected.
"I'm not playing." It was a simple response; a statement Kaoru already trusted to be the truth before the conversation had even swerved. It was still reassurance though. But Kaoru didn't want nor need it.
"I know," he replied softly.
Kaoru knew Hikaru well enough to know that it was never a game. Just an excuse. But it was the excuse Kaoru needed far too much also; an excuse to helplessly fall into the one who gave him every comforting smile, every brush of hand, everything. It was all Hikaru.
He reached up to run his hands through Hikaru's hair. His brother leaned in to him, his breath tickling his face pleasantly. Kaoru felt his eyes widen unnaturally as Hikaru softly whispered- "Kaoru, forget all about everything-" the younger's breath hitched- "And just let yourself get lost in me."
"Y-yes," Kaoru managed before Hikaru claimed his lips tenderly, for far from the last time that evening.
-x-
Lost is a feeling of losing one's self
-x-
~Hitachiin twins, age eighteen~
"How do you know you love me?"
It was a simple question; not that he had an answer for his brother who asked it. It was so simple, but it was a unanswerable. Unmentionable too. If he had been the one to ask, he wouldn't have received an reply either; he knew this, and didn't answer.
"Are you even listening to me?"
Yes. He was. He just wasn't in the mood for acknowledgement.
How do you know you love somebody? Especially somebody you're meant to love either way; a sibling. How, presuming you have never known love for another, do you know your feelings for this person have changed? Isn't it completely possible that you felt that way since birth and in fact, all affections are completely platonic?
Isn't it?
"Hikaru, how do you know that you love me?"
"I could ask you the same question." He turned to face the younger. "In fact, I am. How do you know you love me?"
Kaoru's breath hitched, catching in his throat as Hikaru looked away triumphantly. The younger of the two moved slightly on his position on top of their shared bed, fiddling with the collars of his shirt before replying- "Because Hikaru is the one I care for the most. No one else in the world matters to me." Hikaru turned around, surprised. Kaoru met his gaze. "No one is in my world but you. Surely that is love?"
Hikaru glowered at his shoes, the passionate emotion so strong he was afraid it would actually burn the leather in his new footwear. Kaoru had an answer for everything. Anything he couldn't get his head around or reply to, Kaoru was there with his perfect little answer, scenario, analogy to make everything all better.
It was sickening.
"Shut up, Kaoru," he spat, not looking up from the still completely cool shoes.
"No," came the simple, unhurt, reply. No emotion seeped into the younger's voice. But it was obvious, if Hikaru had bothered to even give his twin a glance, that distress was written all over his mirrored features. He hid nothing from Hikaru. Never.
But the expression was wiped by the time Hikaru actually glared up at his brother, who was now standing a foot away- Hikaru couldn't recall him getting up- to retort- "Well, I dont need you acting like you know everything, okay?"
Kaoru blinked, his cheeks flushing before he looked away, replying, joking, "Thats Kyoya-senpai's thing. Not mine."
But neither was in the mood for joking.
Hikaru stood up, and, although he knew all too well that his anger was unnecessary, was unable to control himself. Months upon months of frustration at being unable to put name or vent to his own feelings came tumbling out, lashing out upon the one who'd obviously caused every problem in his life since adolescence. It was all Kaoru.
Kaoru was at fault for everyhing.
Yet Kaoru was everything.
But he just stood there. Took every harsh word his Hikaru sent flying in his direction; every punch that never quite hit him, that ended up hitting the wall so very close to the side of his head. He took everything, emotionless, expressionless. Because it was Hikaru.
He was just going to let him wail and thrash about; fling cruel meaningless statements his way. Simply because this was him. His world. And Hikaru didn't, couldn't mean any of the horrid things he was saying. He was just frustrated; and Kaoru was going to sit her and let Hikaru take out his frustration on him.
It was his fault anyway.
Hikaru stopped, never dropping his trembling fist from the bedroom wall behind Kaoru. He breathed heavily, surprised at himself that he hadn't yet been stopped from his little tantrum he had been in the process of throwing. He stared at his brother, who was still standing in the exact same spot, watching him, intrigued.
"Kaoru," he muttered, dropping his clenched fist from the, now cracked, plaster. Kaoru draped his arms around Hikaru's shoulders, pulling him closer, resting his own head on his elder's shoulder.
"S'okay," he mumbled, his voice muffled from the cloth of his brother's shirt, "I get it."
Now, Hikaru usually would've dealt with that, buried his face into the comfort of his little brother's hair and stay like that, in content, for a while before resting a little; and would soon forget why he was even so annoyed in the first place. But Hikaru wasn't finished.
And Hikaru hated pretense.
"No you freakin' don't understand," he hissed, pushing Kaoru away from him in annoyance, "You really do think you understand everything! Well you don't know nuts about anything!" Kaoru stood there. "You cant know anything! You just said it yourself that you understand all the elements of this stupid thing we have and I don't! How is that understanding?"
"I didn't understand at first either," Kaoru said quietly, his eyes never leaving Hikaru's.
"And now you do or something?" he spat, turning away, ignoring the feel of Kaoru's eyes burning into the back of his head. "You think you're great or something. That you're all so more mature than me. Well you're not! You're just as clueless as me about everything!"
"And you're acting oh so more mature than me right now, huh?" Kaoru said, menace slipping unwelcome into his tone as he raised his voice, ever so slightly.
Hikaru brushed him off, waving his hand carelessly. "Just get lost already, would you?"
Kaoru finally let his gaze fall to the ground; allowing hurt to wash over his features only when his face was hidden by his fringe. "Sorry you feel that way," he mumbled, so very slightly that it was almost indecipherable, "Moron."
The door shut gently-unlike the slam that would've been sure to come if it were the opposite way around- signalling Hikaru to start thinking, and wondering how the hell they ended up like this in the first place.
And then he'd realize that he couldn't just blame Kaoru when things go wrong.
-x-
Lost is a term used for lots of things. To be told to 'get lost' is to be told to leave and erase your presence from the speaker's life completely.
-x-
Hikaru Hitachiin and Kaoru Hitachiin, same time
"Kaoru. Kaoru."
The older boy received no answer. He didn't really expect one.
"How did it come to this?"
But he knew the answer all too well...
He continued to wander up and down the eerily quiet halls of the mansion they still shared. It was almost like the maids sensed that they would be needed to direct the elder to the younger and escaped for fear that if they didn't know or were unable to tell him what he wanted to hear, that they would be chewed out by the elder and more unforgiving of the Hitachiin Young Master's.
Kaoru hadn't come back, and
After much talking to himself and silent thinking and trying to find someone, or even something, else to blame, he finally realized that only he was to blame if he was too dense or sheltered to figure out what way he loved his brother, or if he loved him at all.
Then he realized that it didn't quite matter.
Because he needed Kaoru, and need is far more powerful than love.
And he had both.
"Kaoru!"
He continued to walk, now picking up speed as he happened to glance upon a clock that sat precariously on the wall to his right. several minutes until midnight. And Kaoru had made his exit at three. He began to run then, uncaring what way he was going or if he had already been down this corridor before or if perhaps Kaoru wasn't in the house at all. He didn't even stop to press one on his speed dial and simply ask Kaoru where he was.
He just kept running.
He had to say, for one of the very few times in his life, that he was sorry.
He flung open every door that was along either side of the hall, blinking away any tears that threatened to spill as every time the room was completely bare. 'Kaoru?' He ran up by the kitchen, flinging the doors open, just to be greeted by the fading figure of his father.
Hikaru blinked. Mr. Hitachiin looked back, the signature refreshing smile adorning his barely legible features. "Hikaru?" he asked, mostly questioning as to why he was in the question, but it also had an air of asking him which twin he was.
"Yes?"
The father looked away, back to the second sandwich he had been making before he was interrupted by his son, and back to Hikaru. "Would you like something to eat? We have some maple syrup left?"
"No," he said simply, "Have you seen Kaoru?"
Mr. Hitachiin shook his head, taking a bite out of the sandwich had was holding. "I haven't, but he's probably in the drawing room."
Hikaru blinked. "Drawing room?"
"Its right up the stairs," he took another bite, "its unused, so he's generally undisturbed while he's there. He goes there when he needs to think," their eyes met, "He probably needs to do a bit of that now, doesn't he?"
Hikaru nodded, not bothering to ask his father how he knew that they had fought. Their father knew most things about them that even they did not know. He could almost always tell them apart, though he always asked, just to make sure.
"I'll go find him," he told the older gentleman, before rushing out of the room.
Their father smiled, before taking another bite of the sandwich and allowing the shadows to consume him.
Hikaru rushed up the stairs, crashing through the first door he saw once he reached the top. It revealed a reasonably large room with fading pictures on the pinkish walls and a moth eaten carpet that lay on the ground, being the host to Kaoru, who was unmoving except for his hand that wavered at the sound of the door opening, before going back to tugging loose threads out of the old mat.
"Kaoru?"
"Yes?"
Hikaru looked down at his shoes, unable to meet his twin's gaze for the fact that his back was to him, before murmuring, "Sorry."
"S'okay," came the emotionless reply. Another thread joined the growing bundle on the shaky wooden floor beside him. But it was obvious by the tone of his voice and the fact that he still hadn't turned to face his older brother that all was not well.
Hikaru grimaced. "Really. I'm sorry."
"You got what you wished for, I guess."
Hikaru allowed his head to shoot up from his shoes, to meet his Kaoru's gaze as he turned to face him in the doorway. "Pardon?"
"You wished for me to get lost, both in you and away from you," came the cool reply. Hikaru blinked, remembering both times. Not that he'd ever forgotten either; one had been only several hours before and the other, although two years ago, meant a great deal.
"Well," Kaoru continued, his icy stare freezing Hikaru's mind, "I'm lost with you, and I'm sure as hell lost without you. I cant think straight when I know you're unhappy and I cant think straight when you're talking, being, with me," he turned away, cussing lightly before meeting the other's bewildered gaze again, "I have no idea why I bother coming here. I can never think anyway."
"Kaoru," Hikaru mumbled under his breath, taking a couple of steps forward.
"If you dare think that I know everything-" Kaoru's voice was shaking now- "That I have everything sussed out, you're so so wrong! I have nothing sorted out. When I'm with you, I lose my mind, when I'm away from you, my mind and chest hurts so Goddamn bad I can barely breathe." He stopped talking a moment, trying to catch his breath. Hikaru sat down next to him, placing his hand over his brother's shaking one. Kaoru breathed in again. "I understand nothing but that I love you."
Hikaru's hand clenched Kaoru's as the elder leaned in, pressing his forehead lightly to his brother's, feeling the frustrated wrinkles in his brow and smiling slightly, sadly. "Lets lose our minds together then," he said, speaking softly. Kaoru's eyes widened, tears obvious, but unshed. His hands wrapped around his brother's neck as he yanked him forward and his head collided with Hikaru's chest.
"All I know, is that I love you."
-x-
Losing your mind, is not physical; its mental. It can be a combination of all the many meanings. As you are losing something, but losing yourself also and losing to yourself.
What's lost?
What's lost, can always be found.
T h e . E n d