one-shot; lend me your shoulder (and mine is yours)
pairing: platonic rafael barba & olivia benson
word count: 1769 words
note: post s17e23 Heartfelt Passages. I am firmly in the corner of Barba/Benson endgame, but the canon doesn't seem to be going that way (for now). Nevertheless, the Barba/Benson friendship has always been one of my favourite things in SVU and I thought that there isn't enough focus on that at all, given all the issues they both were going through. So this is my take on a canon friendship fix-it.

begin

Liv buttons her coat, shivering a little against the slight chill of the evening air. It's nearly nine o'clock, and she's just leaving the precinct. She's been keeping late hours these days – thankfully, Lucy has been a godsend about staying longer hours to look after Noah. Work has become the one way for her to cope with everything that has happened. Throwing herself into anything and everything, just to distract herself from thinking about how she had failed Dodds.

She consciously pauses her train of thought, thinking about what Dr. Lindstrom had said. That she cannot judge herself for feeling relieved that she's alive. That she cannot blame herself; because no one could have predicted what would happen. And she gets it, she really does, but ultimately, it's hard to absolve herself completely of the blame. And it's hard to extinguish that little voice in her head telling her you should have known better.

Ed had suggested going to Paris, and initially, she was excited about it, she truly was. It would be good to get away, to leave and just go somewhere foreign and not think about anything; but after the initial anticipation faded away, she was just left feeling...ambivalent. Ed has been looking up the suitable dates to get away, and e-mailing her websites of romantic boutique hotels, but she's not able to muster up the enthusiasm that she had.

Sighing to herself, Liv quickens her step as she hurries towards home. She passes by an intimate bar and restaurant, one she recognises as Barba's favourite. As the ADA enters her thoughts, she slows down, thinking about him. They've barely talked, since Dodds' death. No, she corrects herself. They've barely talked – at least, not the way they used to – since he found out about her and Ed. Things between them were strained after the shooting of Terrence Reynolds, but they managed to work through it. She eventually understood the circumstances; that he had tried to protect her, and the pressure he was under.

But they've never really talked about what happened in his office the day he found out, his eventual disclosure to 1PP, and him brushing her off when she tried to talk to him after she was transferred to Community Affairs. After the whole thing blew over and she was reinstated, they just sort of fell back into their roles of SVU commanding officer and the ADA for sex crimes respectively.

Even worse now, she suddenly realises guiltily, she hadn't even talked to him about those threats he was getting, and may still be getting.

Glancing into the window of the bar, she sees a very familiar figure sitting by himself at a table in the corner, accompanied by a glass of scotch.

Liv backtracks, and approaches the door of the restaurant, pushing it open. She walks towards Barba, tapping him on the shoulder. He is visibly startled, giving a slight start before relaxing when he sees her face.

"Liv." He says, his tone surprised.

"I saw you sitting in here from outside the restaurant," she says, suddenly feeling awkward. "Mind if I join you?"

He pats the chair beside him. "Go ahead. Sit." He looks at her, corner of his mouth lifting in a slight smile. "Drinking and smiling is optional, although it would be nice if you could do so."

She laughs, and a little of the awkwardness between them dissipates. She sits down beside him, and signals the waiter, asking for a glass of red wine.

A short, uncomfortable silence lapses between them. Barba swirls his scotch, staring at his glass. Liv notices that his face is tired, haggard even. A slight hint of stubble darkens his jaw, and there is an air of exhaustion in his eyes.

"So," she says, breaking the lull between them. "This is going to sound like a damn stupid question, but how are you holding up?"

He smiles albeit mirthlessly, sipping his scotch. "Oh, besides the excitement of having someone threatening to kill me, and having security detail on my back all the fucking time, I'm doing great."

Liv flushes, and Barba immediately looks contrite. "I'm sorry, Liv. That was unwarranted...I'm just..." He lets out a sigh. "It's been a fucking mess."

"I know," she says quietly. "Barba...look. I'm sorry I haven't...been around."

He immediately shakes his head, resting his hand briefly on top of hers in a comforting gesture. "Don't be ridiculous, Liv. Under the circumstances...and I haven't even asked how are you holding up."

She shrugs, waving her hands in a dismissive gesture, not quite knowing what to say. "It's been a process."

Barba lets out a laugh all of a sudden. "Look at us both. We're fucking wrecks."

Liv chuckles ironically, raising her wineglass and clinking it with Barba's scotch glass. "That we are. But..." She hesitates, and plunges on. "You know, usually we have each other."

He pauses in the midst of drinking, and looks at her over the rim of his glass. He then sets down his glass, and sighs. "Liv, are we really going to go into this?"

"I miss being able to talk to you," she says frankly, looking straight at him. "And I want to properly apologise for not telling you about Ed."

He's quiet for a moment, and then he leans forward, arms on the table. "I supposed I can be magnanimous and spiel some shit about how that was your private life and that it was completely okay, but I don't particularly feel like lying."

"I was hurt, Liv. Professionally, and personally. I understand it could be awkward to tell me – honestly, I dislike the man, although I have to admit that is purely on the basis of how he treated you and the squad like criminals – but I did think it was something you could've told me."

She toys with her wineglass. "It was...I don't know. I was trying to sort out my feelings, the relationship...it was all new, and I couldn't articulate it very well myself. And I had wanted to tell you, but before I could, that whole affair blew up, and that was that."

He exhales noisily. "It was a lot messier than what it could have been, Liv, and you know that. And you and me, it just wasn't the same anymore."

"It wasn't," she admits, feeling slightly responsible. "And with what had happened over the last few days, we haven't really been there for each other. And this is not how we are supposed to be."

He tilts his head to one side, scrutinising her, and then he smiles wryly. "You're right, it's not. Ordinarily, you would've been yelling at me about the threats. You would've been pissed off that I had kept it a secret. And you would've gone on a long rant about security and safety, and calling me a reckless bastard for not taking the threats as seriously as I should be."

"Clearly, you know me well."

"We've always known each other well, Liv. Despite everything that had happened between us."

She opens her mouth to speak, but he holds up his hand, indicating that he hasn't finished talking. "Which is how I know you're still blaming yourself about what happened to Dodds. And I'm sure you've heard this from everyone else, but I hadn't had a chance to tell you yet. So I'm telling you now, it's not your fault."

"I'm still having trouble believing that," she sighs tiredly. "Too many what ifs, could haves, should haves."

"I'm not a shrink – but even I can tell you that there's really no value in going around those circles."

"It's just not fair, Barba." She mutters, impatiently wiping at the tear that has started to form at the corner of her eye.

"Life often isn't fair," he agrees. "But it is what it is. And at the end of it, you're here, and you move on."

She smiles at him briefly, gratefully, and watches as he orders another scotch.

"Are you still getting threats?" She asks.

He raises an eyebrow. "That is a rather abrupt change of focus from you to me."

"Well, are you?" She presses.

"Not since the cheap bastard was arrested. Though having security detail on me may be one of the reasons why no one is nearly stupid enough to threaten me again."

He smiles sardonically. "Besides, getting threatened gives me street cred."

Liv looks at him carefully, and she knows that he is more rattled than he's letting on. And he knows that she knows it, and he's appreciating her not calling him out on it. "Barba, if you need me, or the squad to do anything..."

"It's fine," he shrugs. "Carisi and Rollins are both sort of checking on me from time to time."

Another silence lapses between them, this one a lot more comfortable than the one earlier in the evening.

"So, Tucker. Is he good to you?"

"He is," she affirms. "We're still working through things, but it's been good."

"I'm glad." He says simply, and that he is. She deserves to be happy, he thinks.

"I don't suppose this comes as a complete surprise, but I don't make friends easily," he says unexpectedly, giving her a warning look as she inadvertently snickers. "But you've always been someone that I am grateful for."

She picks up his hand, and gives it a light squeeze. "I'm always in your corner." She has always been in his corner, even though if she hasn't shown it much as of late. And he knows it, because it's the same for him.

Barba smiles briefly, and taps her hand twice with his own. He then stands up, grabbing his suit jacket. "It's late, you should be getting home to Noah."

She stands up as well, shrugging on her coat as Barba signals for the bill, and settles their drinks. They walk out together, standing side by side on the pavement as they look at each other. The easy comfort and familiarity that they are so used to is there again, it's just there, right at the edge, and they both reach out, and grab hold of it.

He hesitates for a moment, and then he reaches out and wraps his arm around her shoulders, giving her a quick, one-armed hug. A smile breaks over her face as she returns his brief hug.

"Good night, Liv."

"Good night, Barba."

There's still a lot that they need to work through, but they both know that they've got each other's backs.

Just like how it was in the beginning, and just like how it will be going forward.

end