Pause
A/N: I've had this written and I've been sitting on it for a while because of the Felix element to it – but I wrote it back either before 3A ever started or right around the beginning when they were still unsure about the idea of Amy/Felix. Truthfully, I'm not pleased with what they did with him in 310 but I still think this deserved to see the light of day and that it might interest some of you, in a way this is sort of the B side to 'I Can't Let Him Win' - and in that vein, there will be another piece to this so don't worry.
Summary: The other problem is that she'd be leaving Karma. And yeah, two years after all the drama she's trying to make that subpoint C instead of the title of the whole fucking outline - but she'd be lying if she acted like it wasn't one of the major fucking reasons she can't see herself leaving. Leaving Karma is almost as big of an idea as leaving home in general.
Maybe we're broken
Maybe we started that way
And maybe everything in life is just how long you stay
Amy knows what it would be to love Felix.
She can see their picture painted out right in front of her. It's bad jokes, light-hearted teasing, sarcasm, and constant laughter. It's someone who will not only watch cheesy 80's horror movies, but knows them extensively too. It's someone that's going to have her back in spite of her mother's shitty comments and her father's disappearing act. It's pretty much everything she could envision wanting when she pictures 'forever' with someone (and frankly, the thought of forever has always been mildly terrifying if she thinks of making those promises to anyone but Karma. So, it blows her mind a little that she's even able to sort of maybe see some blob that looks vaguely like him in the far off future).
It's why the second the words 'move to Denver with me' leave his mouth that she doesn't immediately reel back and spit 'no' to his face the second she registers what the fuck he actually said.
The thing is, he's not wrong in asking. They've been together for the last two years, and with graduation approaching like some goddamn three headed monster she figures he's just trying to figure out what the fuck they're doing. Because, no, in the last two years they really haven't figured anything out. Is it serious? Amy figures it's about as serious as she's willing to be with someone, and by anyone's standards Felix would be kind of a dream to end up with. He's sweet, considerate, and willing to make an ass out of himself to protect the people he cares about.
What else really matters?
But, she's known for a while that their futures have looked vastly different. Actually, it's been pretty fucking apparent since they got together. Felix is a 'dream big' kind of guy, and he's more than willing to take the risk of moving states (and hours) away to fulfill those dreams. So, it's easy to pinpoint the moment she knew they were moving in parallel paths, not really destined to ever meet fully. It was the summer before junior year and she was feeling things for Felix that she never imagined feeling for anyone else, let alone a boy. But, there those feelings were, ready to burst from her insides when they couldn't catch their breath from laughing so hard. It was just a stupid cat video on YouTube, but nothing so mundane had ever seemed worth anything when it was with someone other than Karma - the feeling itself was refreshing, and it gave her hope that maybe she could push forward and be okay. And if okay was the best it was going to get, then she'd take it gladly, especially after all those months of thinking her life was spiraling into a black hole.
Anyway, the point was, Amy can clearly remember the second he turned over in the dim light, the street lights leaking in through the blinds as he asked, 'would you ever consider leaving Austin?' and sure, back then, her immediate response was 'fuck no' - it'd been like two months of dating and she was still barely seeing him as more than a fling, an experiment into how far her attraction might extend when it came to the opposite gender. It was still the moment she realized they had different future plans, but even with that knowledge it seemed so far off in the future that she thought they could just enjoy their time together.
And they have.
They've enjoyed it so much that it's two years later, and it honestly doesn't feel like they've moved much in terms of their relationship. Sure, she's learned how to be a pretty good girlfriend in a way she wasn't to Reagan. And yeah, she and Karma patched things up over that summer too, and things are as good as they're ever going to get. But, she's not really sure she feels any differently about leaving than she did that night in the sticky Austin heat.
There's a lot she'd love to leave behind in Austin. And part of her (a bigger part than she'd like to admit) wants to see what else is out there, and she wonders if just the experience of living in another state would be great for her own personal growth. Besides, what's that saying?
A comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there.
Yeah, that's it. Is it that she's too scared to leave her comfort zone? And maybe that's why there wasn't a resounding 'yes' falling from her lips the second he asked (and yes, she sort of probably hates herself for the look in his eyes when that wasn't the case). It's not a decision she can make over night. Leaving home is a big deal - and she concedes that maybe it isn't for him because he's never really had ties here the way she does. She also concedes that she can't do something that doesn't feel right in her own heart just to keep him.
You can't lose yourself to keep her.
Sure, the situation was a lot different at the time - she was still trying to figure out her own sexuality, scared to lose the only person that made the Karma shaped hole in her heart feel even slightly healed. These days she really could give a fuck about her sexuality when she's more interested in her own personal happiness.
And then the question remains - is Felix happiness?
The other problem is that she'd be leaving Karma. And yeah, two years after all the drama she's trying to make that subpoint C instead of the title of the whole fucking outline - but she'd be lying if she acted like it wasn't one of the major fucking reasons she can't see herself leaving. Leaving Karma is almost as big of an idea as leaving home in general, and she's embarrassed enough to admit to herself that seventy five percent of the tears she cried to Felix were about the idea of leaving Karma behind in a very permanent way. They could do long distance friendship, but it's not the same. It's not living two left turns and two blocks down anymore - it's planes, and long car rides, and FaceTime just to see the expression on her face during a story. Somehow, the anxiety she feels about losing Felix is nothing compared to the anxiety she feels about walking away from Austin for real (and without Karma).
That's the other thing - if she decides to stay she loses him permanently. As it turns out, the whole thing is just a big fucking lose-lose for Amy. Either way, she's losing a huge part of her life (she can't really act like Felix isn't the other biggest part of her life at this point, it'd just be stupid to act like he doesn't mean what she knows he does).
"Why're you making me make this choice?" she'd sort of sobbed into the sleeve of her shirt, disgruntled with her own display of emotions.
"Amy, it's not an ultimatum, I just don't see how we're ever going to know if this is serious if we're long distance for the next four years of college."
"It's exactly an ultimatum, Felix. It's the definition of an ultimatum. You're giving me an impossible choice."
"Is it really that hard to pick me?" he'd sounded broken, and yeah, she felt the sting racing through her veins, but she'd sort of ignored the tears that gathered in his eyes.
"What's there for me? In Denver? I'll be by myself while my whole life is here."
"Me," he'd answered with a heavy sigh. "Me, Amy. I'm in Denver."
"My whole life is here."
There were a few beats of silence as he took the blow that she knew it was before he stood and dropped a kiss to her temple. "I don't need an answer right now. I just need you to think about it. I just want you to know I wouldn't be asking if I wasn't serious about us."
"What about my family? School? What about Karma?" the last part had sort of slipped out without her permission, but it didn't really phase him the way she'd so expected.
"She can come too."
"She got accepted to school here, Felix, you know that."
"Please… just think about it."
And with that he was gone.
It's been an hour since then and she's barely been able to get it together enough to form coherent sentences. The idea of losing him is scary - but the idea of starting over with someone else sounds so unappealing when he loves her for all her flaws and quirks. He gets the Karma thing, he knows their story, he gets her weird bond with Lauren, and her love for Shane. It's hard to imagine anyone else loving her the way he does, but it's also hard to imagine leaving everything behind just for him when there's so much to stay for, and he's the only reason to go.
The walk to Karma's feels shorter than usual, it's probably some weird combination of exhaustion and the fact that it's two in the fucking morning on a Monday and they still have school come seven AM. Amy sneaks in through the side window and tucks herself into Karma's comforter.
She doesn't even get a word out before Karma sleepily mumbles, "What's wrong?"
"How do you know anything's wrong?"
"You're sad, Ames," Karma murmurs, pulling her closer, letting Amy bury her face in her offered shoulder. "I know when you're sad."
"Karma?" her sniffles are enough to make Karma open her eyes fully. "Can you be my best friend? Like, just completely objective right now?"
Karma nods at her request. "Course."
"Felix… he wants me to go to Denver with him." True to her word, Karma remains silent and urges her to continue. "And I just - I don't know what to do," her words crack and break until she's basically just sobbing hysterically into auburn hair that smells like home.
There's a few moments when Amy swears there's going to be no response at all. Then, Karma breathes out, and gently nudges her until they're looking at each other. "What do you wanna do?"
"I just want everything to stay what it is right now."
Karma smiles. "Not an option, babe, even though you have always sucked with change."
Amy can feel the adrenaline running rampant through her system, her brain firing at rapid speed trying to keep up with the four thousand thoughts she can't seem to tame. No, she doesn't think she's ever had a panic attack before, but she'd bet this feeling isn't far off. And it's like she just wants to quell all of the discontent in her own head, but that feels so out of reach right now. Felix said she could have time to make a decision, and when he left she swore it'd be weeks before she'd ever be able to, but right now she just wants a definitive answer. She wants to know what the fuck she's feeling right now just to take this fucking feeling of insanity away. There's no way she's going to be able to go on for days like this, no fucking way. There's a good chance she'd have a heart attack if she even tried.
"Well, what do you think I should do?"
"Amy-" Karma pauses and rolls until she's on her back, keeps their hands connected and says, "I can't make this decision for you. I love Felix, you know that. And, I think he's been so good for you, he helped you… get over me," there's a weird tone to Karma's voice there, but Amy doesn't have time for reflection on anyone else's distorted feelings right now. "He treats you right. That kid adores you... I just don't know if I see you spending forever with him."
Sure, it's shocking the fuck out of Amy that Karma's not digging her claws in and screaming things like:
Houses next door to each other.
We're supposed to grow old together.
You're my soulmate, not his.
It's so much progress on Karma's part that sometimes Amy can't believe who they were at fifteen and sixteen. But then again, Karma's never really been very strong when faced with Amy crying the way she is right now. And, as much as she hates to admit it, Karma's always been a little better at setting her own shit aside when Amy's issues are more important than their petty BFF drama.
"I don't know if I see forever with anyone," Amy admits as she wipes a hand over her face in frustration. "I'm not even sure I believe in marriage. Look at my parents - er, well, my mom at least. It's just a lot…"
"He is asking for a lot."
"He knows he is. It's not like he doesn't know. I just… if we're not getting married, or I'm not sure I want that, then what's the point anyway for him?"
Karma ruffles the blankets a few times and throws a foot over the side. Amy smiles sadly at the things that are so consistently Karma - all those little things are what she'd miss the most. "Maybe he doesn't wanna get married either. Have you ever - do you guys like, talk about that?"
It's the first time Amy hesitates to answer, but she doesn't really know what to make of the reticence in Karma. "We, um, I mean it's come up, but not like seriously. I've talked about my parents a few times, and just my viewpoint on marriage and stuff."
"Right. Obviously."
Things get awkward and Amy clears her throat. "Karma, what if I go and regret it and hate him?"
"What if you throw it away and regret it?"
Amy can't help the way her eyebrows shoot up at Karma's counter argument. "Do you like - want me to go or something?"
"What? God, no, Amy," Karma says quickly, fingers tightening their grip. "I'd keep you here forever if I could. I just don't want you to constantly wonder. You don't do well with that. You wanted me to be your best friend right now. Objectively remember?"
"I know. Sorry," she breathes out with a squeeze back to the few of Karma's fingers still wrapped in her hand.
It's not like Amy knew what to expect with Karma - though she's not sure what she wanted when she got here. Did she want Karma to freak out and protest and put her foot down demanding that she stay? Is it actually harder to have Karma be what she asked for? An objective best friend. Somehow, it feels like Karma could give a fuck if she goes or stays, even if the logical part of Amy's brain knows that is one hundred percent untrue.
Sure, she knows it'd be foolish to stay for Karma. She understands that it's not okay to throw her possible future away for someone that won't even consider that sort of future with her. She also understands that Karma can't be as big of a factor as Amy's brain keeps making her, but Karma's always been a what if - and fuck, she was right, what ifs are not Amy's forte (see: the entirety of sophomore year and her incessant wondering if things would Karma would ever be).
"Ames, can I ask you something?"
"You can ask me anything."
Amy can feel the way Karma tenses beside her as she prepares herself, and honestly, Amy has no fucking clue what might come out of her mouth. "Do you love him?"
Ah, the question of the ages. The same question she's been asking herself for the last few hours since Felix left. Yeah, he's proclaimed his own love a few times over the course of their relationship, and he's always been kind and patient about her lack of response to it. But, with there finally being a breaking point it seems as good a time as any to really take the time to answer the question in a way that lets her sleep at night.
Is he Karma? No. No one will really ever feel the way things do (did, whatever) when she's around Karma. That love is the type of thing people spend their lives searching for, or at least Amy's pretty sure it's the strongest love that can exist between two people.
However, she's not stupid enough to believe there aren't different types of love in the world. And, she's never been one to think that Karma's like the only person she'd ever love over the course of her life. It stands to reason that she just never thought of things seriously enough with Felix to consider whether it stood up to be qualified under that word. Love. There's days Amy doesn't even think she knows what the fuck that means, but then when she feels Karma's hand in her own it's pretty fucking simple too.
Felix is different, but she knows it hurts to think of letting him go. It hurts to think of him with someone other than her, the same way it hurt to really imagine Karma with Liam's nasty hands all over her back then. It hurts further to think of Felix's life going on without her and him not filling her in on all the little details of his day, and that she'd be missing out on his stories that are always full of that patented sarcasm they've always shared. His smile still makes her smile, and she wonders if she'll ever find anything that feels so easy with anyone else. Felix gives her comfort, it never phased him when she went to bed in obnoxious superhero t-shirts, he never made her feel like she had to be anything more than Amy and really that's been invaluable in her growing into her own skin and figuring out how to stand without Karma by her side 24/7.
He helped her learn how to grow separately from Karma without growing apart from Karma. She'll never be able to thank him enough for being who he is.
Truthfully, Felix is one of the good ones in a world full of people that make her question humanity ninety-five percent of the time.
Yeah, she loves him.
Just maybe not enough. Maybe not the way he really deserves to be loved. Or maybe this whole thing is completely fucking bizarre and no one in their right mind should uproot their entire life to blindly follow their significant other (sure, the feminist in her has that angle too).
"I do love him," she admits, quietly. And she swears Karma stops breathing for a minute. "I love him, and some days I swear no one else is going to make this all feel so effortless."
"Are we…" Karma starts, pauses, says, "nevermind." And really, in what world is Amy going to let that go? Karma can't just start sentences like that and then wish them off into some oblivion.
"Are we what?" All Amy can hear is Karma's heavy breaths in the dark and then she can hear the bathroom door creak closed after one of Karma's parents shuffles down the hallway. "Just say whatever it was."
Karma nods slightly like she's convincing herself. "Am I… are we hard for you?"
Sure, there's always been a hurricane of insecurities in Karma, but Amy sort of prided herself on never contributing to those, and her chest feels tight at the words that hit her ears.
"I didn't mean it like that - I just -" she stops for a second to sort out her words, but there's not really any nice way to put it all out there. "We're not easy," she finally admits. "We haven't been easy since we were like fifteen though, Karma. But, that's never really mattered to me, we've been best friends for the last thirteen years, I don't care if we're not easy because I love you anyway. You've always been worth all the shit we've been through."
"So, why does he have to be easy? Can't you love him anyway too?" Karma's words sound physically pained pouring from her mouth and Amy winces a little. She has no idea when this conversation spilled into 'all the things we've been avoiding saying' territory.
It's a fair question. It's not something that she hasn't asked herself recently. In fact, it almost feels like Karma and Felix conspired to have this conversation in two parts because it's something he brought up as well. His eyes were earnest when he turned to her and said 'Amy, I'm worried the only thing you like about us is that we're easy. It's probably the only thing you ever consistently say about us. And I'm wondering if you'll even still like me if things get hard. And I know I'm making things hard here, I know I'm asking for a lot - it's not what I want - but if we do this for real it's not always going to be easy for us.'
Amy lets go of Karma's hand and watches the frown that briefly crosses her face at the action.
Is that the difference?
She's willing to fight through the hard shit for and with Karma. It doesn't matter that they've had enough drama over the last two or three years for a lifetime. It's never mattered that Karma's probably the hardest thing in her life, there's not one piece of Amy that would ever give up the girl next to her. Yeah, the highlight of Felix has been that everything with him has come with a certain ease she's never been afforded anywhere else. Her relationship with Lauren was forced over months of living together, Shane only ended up becoming something real after she came out, and Reagan was the next closest thing to easy, but even then when things got complicated the floor fell out from under them. Felix has always been solid ground, never really questioning or giving her reason to evaluate whether he was worth fighting for.
And, so now he is.
And Amy's thinking that she's so sick of fighting for people who aren't Karma.