DISCLAIMER:I do not own Gossip Girl, any of it's characters, or anything else I may use in this story. I will give proper credit when needed. I do, however, own any characters that I may make up.

A/N: The timeline is a little screwed up. In this story, it will kind of be a mix of the book/TV series, leaning more toward the TV series though. Serena is friend's with Blair, however, Blair does not know about Nate and Serena's fling. Serena meets Dan for the first time in this story. Serena's father, who is never mentioned in the TV series but mentioned in the book series, will have the name of Serena's father in the book (William). You will read about his habits in the story. Any changes to the timeline for the PAST, I will mention in an author's note. Now, onto the story, I hope you enjoy!

CHAPTER ONE: Well Intentioned and Unloved

(Lyric in title is from the song Orchid by Alanis Morissette)

"Rena!"

That simple word caused Serena's whole body to tense up and her heartbeat to speed up rapidly. There was only one person that called her by that name. She hated the awful voice. She hated the man the voice belonged to even more.

She didn't move, she didn't speak, she didn't even drop her book bag. The only thing she did was stare at her mother, shocked. The Lily that Serena was used to disappeared before her eyes, fragile, no longer strong.

Lily cleared her throat.

"Your father…" Lily started, taking a deep breath. Her hands were shaking wildly. "He's back."

Way to state the obvious.

Serena only allowed sarcastic thoughts make their way into her mind, because she couldn't afford a breakdown.

"Back?" Eric whispered breathlessly beside Serena.

"What are you supposed to tell everyone, Mother?" Serena had never liked to talked so formally in her life- but had to around her father.

Serena's father snaked his arm around Lily's shoulders, pulling her closer. "William, please-" She started, but he shot her a venomous look that shut her up quickly. Serena knotted her eyebrows. He hadn't changed. He never would.

"We're all going to be a family again!" The hidden malevolence in his voice was no surprise to any of them.

Everyone fell silent, but Serena was the first to speak. "E-Eric, do you want to… Go with me for a walk?" Serena stumbled over her words, and Eric looked over, stunned. He also wasn't used to what this man brought out in the two women in the room.

"If it's alright with Father, I mean." Serena whispered, and Lily stared at them, pleadingly. William smiled, squinting his eyes so much they looked like slits.

"Of course. I have to go out… Visit a few friends."

William was already grabbing his coat when Lily let out a breath of strained relief, as if worry was still lingering in her mind.

"I'm sorry." Lily murmured, brushing her hand against Serena's arm ever so gently when William left and was out of hearing range.

"I don't believe you." Serena hissed at her mother. "How could you allow that monster back into our house, Mom?! You… You know what he's done. You know what he did to Eric! What about Eric, Mom? Are you going to allow Eric to be around this environment…?" Serena took a deep breath.

"Are you going to let him be around us? He'll just-" Serena was cut off by Lily's head shaking.

"No, Serena. It won't be like that, I-I swear!" Serena threw her book bag down, causing her unstable mother to jump.

"I know what will happen." Serena pulled on her red pea coat that she had pulled off ten minutes ago, buttoning it up.

"William will force me to call him Father. You'll start working a new job and you'll take more and more shifts. You'll claim it's just because you've been bored lately. But you're really noticing the disappearing money from the bank account and the safe- and you'll know you're supporting William's drug habit. Then, late at night, I'll get to lay in my bed, hearing my parent's fighting and yelling, things breaking and I'll have to think whose turn is it. Whose turn it is to run out into the hellhole where blood stains are already set into the carpet and beer splashed on the walls. If it's Eric's, I can't bear it. I plug my ears and cry myself to sleep- God dammit, Mom! I cry because I know I willingly put my brother into danger, but that's only because he wanted so desperately to make sure I wouldn't get hurt every single night. B-But… If it's my turn, I run out of my bedroom and pull that… That beast off of you so he can't hit you anymore. Then… Then he'll start on me. Pull me into my room by my hair and beat me senseless while you sit in the living room, crying. Because you know if you save me, interrupt the god damned man, you're not saving yourself. I can't blame you. But while he beats me, he'll only hit me in the places I can cover up, my arms, my back, my legs… The bruises get so bad in the winter because it's not bathing suit season. He'll whisper viciously when he's done that whatever happens in the house stays in the house and if I dared utter a word about my bruises out of it, he'd…"

Serena choked on her words, her throat tingling and tensing up, tears already in her eyes.

"He'd kill me. That's what will happen. That's what you are letting into this house." Serena finished, the tears already dropping down her cheeks. Serena brushed them away viciously, realizing her mother was crying too.

"I think you should go now." Lily whispered, and Serena looked over her shoulder, seeing Eric. He was looking at her with such a sadness and desperation in his eyes that she had to look away. "I think I'm going to stay here with Mom." Eric said, his voice raspy.

Serena nodded slightly, pulling on her black beret. "I'll just be alone, again. Not a problem."

And with that, she left the house, hoping her frightened personality would fade instantly. But it didn't, so she was forced to put on a façade as she ran quickly applied cover-up to the blots of red on her face from her tears.

Serena flipped open her phone, quickly texting Blair as she walked out the front doors of the hotel. Blair had Nate, she was happy… Serena envied her. She couldn't talk to her about her own problems; Blair had no clue of William's habits.

What are you up to?

Serena texted, closing the phone and shoving it in her pocket, knowing it will vibrate when Blair responded. It probably wouldn't be anytime soon for a reply, seeing Blair was probably out with Nate.

Nate.

Serena sighed, not knowing what to feel about him. On one hand, he's Blair's. One hundred percent off limits. It's the first rule written in any girl code out there. Do not sleep/date/makeout with best friend's ex-boyfriend… Or current.

On the other hand, Serena and Nate never really talked about… Well, the drunken sex. It swirled confusion in Serena's mind, adding to her misery. She didn't know her feelings, but she was pretty sure there was none for Nate.

The bitter winter air was relentless, so Serena rushed into the first café she saw. She didn't even notice people staring as she pulled off her beret, letting her golden mane fall gracefully past her shoulders.

The people dining- old or young, male or female, bitter or not- they all drew in a breath and held it as Serena made her way to an empty booth. It was a typical response, and Serena was not vain at all, but it was obviously about her stunning appearance.

She had received countless compliments that she looked like a Greek goddess, that she was even prettier than one. Serena would humbly brush it off and politely say thank you.

Serena tiredly slumped down in the puffy seat, resting her head against the beige leather.

"Bonjour, Miss van der Woodsen!" A waiter quickly appeared, and Serena turned her head, glancing at him. His nametag read JEAN-PIERRE, and she smiled, straightening up.

He grinned back at her, flashing flawlessly white teeth while straightening his tie over his slightly chubby chest. He was older, about thirty, his hair already graying.

She had been here numerous times, and was surprised that she walked in there aimlessly.

"Bonjour." She said as Jean-Pierre started chattering away in French, but she had trouble following along. He must have noticed her eyes, which were probably glazed over with distraction.

"Ah, so sorry Miss van der Woodsen. Jean-Pierre has a bad… Oh, how do you say… Tendency! Jean-Pierre has a bad tendency to get off of track." Jean-Pierre said, and Serena tried to smile, but it probably didn't come out as bright as she wanted.

"Here is the menu, I will be back." The thick French accent and the third-person talking added to Jean-Pierre's charm, and he was one of Serena's favorite waiters. She nodded, watching him practically glide off to another table.

She looked down at the crimson red menu, the golden letters of the café sewn neatly in cursive on the front.

The waiter came back before Serena was done picking, so she fumbled quickly through the menu, deciding what she wanted.

"I'll have the Shrimp Fettuccine Alfredo dish… Can you make sure you don't put a lot of basil and extra cheese that they add?" Serena giggled sheepishly. "Oh! Garlic bread, a side of steamed broccoli spears with butter and lemon sauce, some salad with vinaigrette dressing… And a grilled chicken."

The waiter stared at her with wide eyes, and Serena noticed it wasn't Jean-Pierre. It was a different man, he was younger, about twenty-five, and very thin and tan. She blushed slightly at her food choices.

"Any drinks?" The man cleared his throat uncomfortably, writing down all the things Serena listed.

"Lemonade with extra ice and two slices of lemon, please. One on the rim and one in the drink." She smiled at the man; handing him her menu and watching him walk away, feeling slightly guilty. When Blair heard about this binge, she'd be disgusted.

Serena certainly wouldn't tell her about the food, though. One reason was because of Blair's bulimia, which Serena wasn't sure if she was hiding it, and the other reason was because she'd have to explain what triggered her to eat so much.

Serena fumbled with the napkin in front of her, waiting for her food. Her phone suddenly vibrated, and Serena pulled it out gratefully, happy to get away from the wait for a little.

Sorry, I was out with Nate. But nothing, just with him at some little restaurant waiting for our food. He arranged for it to be closed so we could eat lunch together. Isn't that adorable?!

Yeah. It's really cute. You're lucky. :]

Thanks, S. What are you up to?

Serena hesitated, not knowing what to tell Blair. She was slightly distracted by the fact she was out eating lunch, because during their school lunchtime on the steps of the Met, Blair had more than her usual yogurt.

In fact, she had Nelly Yuki's ham and cheese sandwich, Doritos, and a Sprite. Serena even saw Blair secretly eyeing the calories on the Doritos.

After Blair was done eating, she coughed uncomfortably, her faced turned pale. She complained how full she was, and then during the period after lunch, she was a couple minutes late.

Now she was hungry again, a mere three hours later? That wasn't Blair. Not at all.

Oh, nothing really. Sorry, B. Sort of busy. Got to go.

Serena shut off her phone after sending her text, which was moderately truthful. Her food was arriving, several plates being put in front of her by the waiter that had looked at her oddly earlier, which would make her busy.

There was steam rising from a couple plates, the aromas of numerous plates intertwining with each other and making Serena's mouth water.

Soon enough, Serena was shoving forkfuls of alfredo, broccoli, and shrimp into her mouth. She stopped briefly, only to take the lemon on the rim of her lemonade.

She ignored the fact that lemonade could make her break out, squeezing the two sides of the lemon, the sour juice dripping into her lemonade. She took a large gulp, and then went back for more food.

It felt like she hadn't eaten in ages, which wasn't true, because she ate at lunch.

She ignored the abnormal looks from those around her, until she noticed someone hesitating in front of her table. She swallowed the bite of garlic bread and slowly looked up at the handsome boy in front of her.

"Um, hi." She said to him, who automatically smiled. "You go to Saint Judes?!" Serena added, noticing he was still in his uniform.

"Oh, yeah. You go to Constance, right?" The guy said, and she found herself smiling and nodding.

"Do you want to sit? There is way too much food here." Serena wouldn't mind sitting across from him, he was gorgeous from his dark hair to his muscles…

"Shrimp?" She said, pushing the plate of her alfredo slightly towards him. He picked a shrimp up, eating it quickly. "Isn't it the best in the world?" Serena raved, and he nodded slightly.

"If not close."

Serena grinned. "Finally, someone who agrees. Nate hates going here, and Blair doesn't like shrimp…" She trailed off, frowning. She didn't know this person, and she doubted he knew her friends either.

"So, what's with all the food? Your boyfriend going to come back any second and punch me in the face?"

Serena giggled, shaking her head quickly.

"No boyfriend." She twirled her fork around her remaining noodles. "Just an emotional eater."

Serena didn't wait for the boy across her to reply, looking up at him.

"I'm Serena."

She offered her hand for him to shake, and he took it, smirking. He shook it.

"I'm Dan. Nice to meet you."