A/N: Something that came to my mind. This is Obi-Wan's POV as he fights Darth Vader one last time. Its kinda sad. I hope this gives you a new perspective on Obi-Wan and the pain he felt. I might be the only one who thinks this but Obi-Wan seemed different after Qui-Gon died. He masked his pain well. Please Review!
Disclaimer: Characters and plots don't belong to me.
Good Enough
"You were my brother, Anakin! I loved you!"
My voice shook with emotion. The hatred in his eyes pierced my soul. I struggled to gain control as a few tears threatened to fall. I could only watch, helpless, as his body was consumed by flames. Everything in my body screamed for me to help him, to save him from death, but I wouldn't allow myself to do such a thing. I couldn't help him…no one could. My apprentice was dead, consumed by the Dark Side.
My apprentice, my friend, my son and my brother…My heart broke as I watched him scream in pain. I looked away; the pain was too much for me. I heard his scream die down to a helpless whimper. I turned to him, allowing our eyes to meet one last time. My broken heart wouldn't allow me to say the words that I wanted to say. The words that I wanted to leave him with, the words that I had longed to hear from Qui-Gon before he died.
'I've always loved you and always will...no matter what you do.'
Such words could mean so much to a soul. I loved Qui-Gon like a father but I always wondered if he had ever loved me like his son. If he would have died to protect me. Was I at least a friend? I never knew...he never said those words to me.
I left him to die that day, and I'll never forgive myself for it. It was my fault that he had turned. I didn't know why I blamed myself...I didn't have a reason to. They always say its easier to place the blame on someone other than yourself. There was no one to blame in this situation though. It was my fault, I'm sure of it. If I had sensed his confusion earlier I could have stopped him.
I was too selfish, I didn't love him right. I didn't show it to him like I should have. My silly pride got in the way. I criticized him when I should have praised him, I ignored him when I should have listened. I could feel my heart crumbling every second. Everything that had ever happened in my life was now taking its toll on me.
Cerasi.
Qui-Gon.
Siri.
Anakin.
Padme.
Everyone I had ever cared about was gone. I know I'm not suppose to mourn. The Jedi Code clearly states that 'There is no death. There is the Force.' I tried my best to make myself believe that and let go of them, but some things are easier said then done.
As I look back now, I realize how many people have died in front of me. I seemed to a lose more of myself every time. I was fun-loving, carefree and childish when I joined the Young. My carefree days ended when Cerasi died in my arms, mumbling her last words to me. When I returned to the Jedi Order, I was different. People must have noticed because a few years later I walked through the halls and heard something that made me stop and think...
'He doesn't have a childhood. He lost all senses of it...He grew up so fast that he doesn't remember what its like to be young.'
At first this made no sense to me. I was sixteen, I was still young! A few days later, it made sense. I had forced myself to grow up and skip my 'teenage years'.
Qui-Gon didn't seem to lose faith though. If anything, he was impressed by my maturity. I increased greatly in my lightsaber skills and learned to let the Force flow through me.
I thought I was good enough to do almost everything. But I wasn't. I wasn't fast enough or powerful enough to save my master. I watched as the Sith drove his lightsaber into Qui-Gon's stomach. I did nothing, absolutely nothing. I let one ray shield stand in my way. If I had I blocked the kick from the Sith, I wouldn't have fallen...I wouldn't have left Qui-Gon to fight alone. If I had ran faster I wouldn't have been cut off from him. If I had been stronger...
It all comes down to 'if.'
I wasn't fast enough. I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't good enough.
I held Qui-Gon until he took his dying breath. I held him until Padme and her guards found us. I held him until they pulled me away. I clung to his body, trembling. I screamed at him when they tried to take him from me. Padme embraced me, holding me as I sobbed. I could hear her own quiet sobs. She didn't say anything as she wrapped her arms around me. She didn't need to. I didn't say anything either, I couldn't.
When Qui-Gon died, a piece of me died too.
I watched as his body burned to ashes, his words ran through me. I masked my pain well. I turned to Anakin, who was just a small boy at the time. I promised the boy I would train him, that I would do my best. I allowed myself to love him, to take him as my son. If I had know what was to happen, I wouldn't have.
The celebration took place soon after the battle. Padme stood beside me, beautifully dressed as usual. My attraction towards her was strong and I couldn't help but stare as she handed the glowing orb to the Gungun.
She was a strong and powerful being. The strength that she cast off was intoxicating. Saying goodbye to her was near to impossible.
I watched as Anakin and Padme fell in love ten years later. I could sense the bond they shared. I stood by and did nothing about it. I too had been in love and knew the feeling all too well. Siri, my love, died in my arms. I felt the sickening feeling of loss rest on my shoulders again. I was losing myself slowly, I was wearing away into nothing.
I think Anakin suspected I knew, though I never I told him I did. I guess he was too afraid to ask because he seemed to avoid the subject. He must have been afraid that I would report him to the Council. I did nothing about it as their love became deeper. If I had known what was to happen, I would have done something.
Anakin, my beloved brother, had choked Padme, his own wife. I tried to reason with him, to bring him back to the light. He didn't listen and instead we engaged in a fight. I fought him with all the strength I had. I cut off his legs and arms, sending him rolling down to the edge of the bank. I couldn't save him..
I wasn't fast enough. I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't good enough.
I cried for him, though I didn't show it.
I returned to the ship, to Padme. I ran my hand over her cheek, feeling the smooth skin. She whispered something about Anakin, though I was too concerned to actually listen.
I stood by her as she gave birth to Anakin's children. I held her hand, I comforted her. It wasn't enough, she died shortly after. And once again, her last words did not involve me.
I know I sound selfish, but just once I would like to feel loved before they died. Other than Siri, I had not once been in their last words. In fact the two people I cared most about had whispered something about Anakin before they die. Actually, Anakin had screamed 'I hate you', but that was a different story.
I stood there, staring down at the girl I loved. The one I couldn't save.
I wasn't fast enough. I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't good enough.
My heart was now gone, dead to the world. I had lost everything.
I took the boy, Luke, to my brother, Owen. I hid in the deserts of Tatooine for several years, watching him grow. It was almost painful to look at him. He resembled his father and it brought back too many memories. My hair whitened into the color of snow and my strength slowly withered away.
R2-D2 delivered a message to me from Leia. She is the striking image of her mother, and once again I find my mind clouded with memories.
We went to rescue Leia later on. I trained Luke while we were traveling. Its funny, he's a quick learner just like his father. We arrived on the Death Star and immediately I felt Darth Vadar's presence. I crept into the hallway and into the presence of my former apprentice. He stood there, features covered by the black suit, hatred radiating off of him. We fought, but not as fiercely as before. I heard Luke behind me and turned to look at him.
I turned around, staring up into the cold eyes of the mask, wondering if I might catch a glimpse of Anakin. The dark lord raised his lightsaber, ready to go in for the killing blow. He swiped through me, but I vanished as he did. I gave my physical being up. I felt no love or pain. My cloak and lightsaber hit the ground with a light thud. Darth Vader just stared at where I had stood.
Luke screamed as he saw me die. I didn't expect him to understand. You see, I didn't die that day.
I died when I stood beside Padme as she took her last breath. I was dying the day Qui-Gon died in my arms. When Padme died, the last part of me died. Most believe I died in that lightsaber battle, but I tell you now I died of a broken heart.
I lost all I had and it was my fault.
I wasn't fast enough. I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't good enough.
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