[ author's note ] I got bored during my vacation so I decided to write one of these again. I should be updating on my Twilight fanfic but my brain sort of shut down on me while I was writing so I'm currently trying to restart my brain. Well each of the Akatsuki members will get their own little section in this long chapter Some are short 'cause I ran out of ideas. I'm even thinking about bringing by old list for Bleach back onto this account. I'm not sure though ... well ..... R&R
[ disclaimer ] I do not own the Akatsuki or any of its members. They unfortunately belong to Kishimoto 'cause if I owned it, Itachi and Hana would be together and I would own Sasori.
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How to Piss Off the Akatsuki
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Sasori
When you're walking around the base at night, and you spot him, scream and wave your arms frantically shouting "OMFG!! IT'S CHUCKY!!!"
Seduce him and try to get him to hit on you
When he finally does, run to Pein screaming about how Sasori was using sexual harrasment to try to get his way with you
Ask him how many trees he had to cut down to make his puppets
When he tells you he didn't kill any trees, ask him where he got his puppets
After he tells you, back away slowly before running off to the nearest village to warn them that Pinocchio is coming to kill them
Sneak into his room when he's sleeping and put a lot of eyeliner around his eyes
In the morning, wake him up by screaming "GOOD MORNING, GAARA!!"
Spill grape juice on him
Then laugh saying that he has a new tattoo
Go to the pest farm and buy several boxes of termites
Release him in his room while he's sleeping and watch as he and his creations get munched on
Buy him a cat
Let the cat use him as a scratching post
Tell him that you're taking him to an art show, but instead take him to the wood chipper convention
Paint his nails neon green
Offer him nail polish remover, but pause and tell him that it doesn't work on wood and he's screwed
Introduce him to the world of Disney
Force him to watch Pinocchio for 3 days straight non stop
On his birthday, come at him with a chainsaw exclaiming you just wanted a hug
Ask him if he loves Deidara when he's within ear shot
When he's inside his puppet, glue the exits shut so he can't come out without breaking it
Cut his hair in some messed up style and tell him that he has to live with it 'cause it won't ever grow back unless he implants hair folicles in his fake cranium
Show him yaoi fanfics of him and Deidara
Tobi
Call him Madara in public
Reveal his identity to every ninja you meet
Whne he askes you if he's a good boy, tell that he's not a good boy, but a good dog
Steal his mask and pretend to be him for the day
While wearing it, run around proclaiming that you're Madara Uchiha and scream "Tobi is a gay boy!"
Fill in the eye hole of his mask so he can't see out of it
When he askes why he can't see, tell him it's because he lost his sight .... again
Dye his underwear funny colors
Pull his pants down for everyone to see
Tell he'll never get a girl because they only like bad boys
Tell him he's better off with Deidara
At dinner, repeatedly tell him that he looks retarded in his mask
Stalk him in the middle of the night
When he askes why you're stalking him, tell him that you're on to him and know his secret, but not which one
Steal his mask and replace it with a mask of his own face
Make him make out with random people so he can get his mask back
Videotape it and make copies of it for all of the Akatsuki members
Break the mask before you hand it back
Buy him a puppy that is on the brink of death
Laugh at him as he watches it die in terror
Offer to bury it for him, but instead hide it in his underwear drawer
Itachi
While on a mission with him, help him across the street and say "There you go, old man."
Jump him while screaming Sasuke
Look at him frowning and say "Oops ... I thought you were good looking one, not the old weasel."
Buy him a Sasuke plush that says "Die, Itachi!" everytime you do something to it
Buy him a bird that has the same feather color as Sasuke's hair and it's feathers look like Sasuke's hair as well
Teach it how to say "Itachi!! I will kill you!" and have it say that every ten minutes
Buy him a pair of Harry Potter glasses and tell him that it's for his birthday
When he says it's not his birthday, tell him that he's probably suffering from Alzheimers
Show him fanfiction and have him read an incest story of him and Sasuke
Laugh as you watch him twitch and pass out
Have him read yaoi fanfictions of him and Kisame, him and Orochimaru, and others
Tell him that he lacks hatred everytime you pass him in the halls
Replace his nail polish with a pink color
While he's asleep, poke him with a stick while singing Hannah Montana songs
Ask him why he had wrinkles as a kid
Tell him that he stresses too much, and that he'll soon get wrinkles somewhere else besides under his eyes
Everytime he says something, say "Why?"
Go into his room exclaiming that you ran out of make up and have to come to borrow his
Tell all the Sasuke Fan Girls that he is a pedophile and say that the SasuIta fanfics are proof
Buy him an Ipod filled with weird theme songs such as Power Puff Girls, Power Rangers, and Spongebob, and 'accidently' lose the cable that connects to the computer
Slip a Sasuke doll into his arms while he sleeps and take a picture of it
Distribute it around the base and all the villages
Create a myspace account for him and put his username as OldWeasalPedophile
Refuse to change it or tell him how to
Draw on his face with sharpies until he wakes up
Pein
Constantly mess up his name and call him Penis
Tell him that he's the fourth hokage and he's Naruto's father
Snicker at him as he rants about how he is Pein and that he is God
Ruin him by telling him that Konan only likes him because that body looks like Yuhiko
Hide panties and bras in his room so Konan can find them
Make sure she thinks it belongs to another woman, or that Pein has been stealing hers
Tell him that Konan was great in bed last night
Make out with Konan in front of him
Tell him to close his eyes cause his were giving you headache
Use his eyes as dartboards
After he has collected most of the tailed beasts release them and seal them in stupid items
Forget which items they were and walk away saying that it was his responsiblity to make sure they had them
Call him Nagato or Yuhiko
Discover his real body that's hiding in the tower and draw on it
Come back and tell him that his real body went anorexic and is dying of malnutrition
Pull out all of the 'piercings' on all of the Pein bodies so he can't use them
Make a map of the base and sell it to all of the top bidders
Call Tobi the leader even though he really isn't
Pick up the phone and hand it to him saying "It's Chucky. He wants his hair back or he's coming for you tonight."
Everytime he says 'Akatsuki', say something at the end of it such as "are all gay" or "are loser"
Tell him that some of his bodies need to go on a diet
Play 'Animals' by Nickelback everytime Konan and him are together
Konan
Go up to her randomly and say "You looked younger in the pictures, old lady."
Constantly tell her that she has a giant spit ball in her hair
Kiss Pein everytime she walks into the room
Blow up her origami
Send her Jiraiya as a birthday present
Laugh as he chases her around trying to squeeze her boobs
In the middle of the night, sit on her bed screaming "Paper?! What kind of jutsu is paper?! I mean what are you going to do when you have to fight a tailed beast? Are you going to give it paper cuts until it dies? Or better yet ... Are you going to spit ball its eyes until it goes blind?! Seesh ... Everyone knows that paper was so five minutes ago."
Bring her diary to a meeting and read pages of it randomly
Make sure to read all the ones about Pein and anything embarassing
Tell her that she's useless in the rain because paper only gets wet and she'll look like over used spit balls
Spread a rumor that her crotch is bigger than Pein's
Cry like baby evertime she enters the room
When she askes why you're crying, tell her that you saw her face
Auction off her underwear and tell her that the Akatsuki needed money
Take her to the swap meet and put a sign around her neck that says "Paper for sale, twenty five cents each"
Dress up like her and accuse her of stealing your look
Call her mommy every chance you get or even better .... granny
Deidara
Dress up like Tobi whenever Tobi disappears and follow him around
Say everything Tobi says but ten times worse
Go up to him one day and ask him if it was true that the doctors had thought he was girl when he was born
Dress up like Itachi and say "Foolish artist ... You're art is weak ... It lacks hatred."
Blow up his room
When he questions why you did it, tell him that since he loved his art so much, that you decided to decorate his room with his art
Whenever you can, go outside his room and throw shuriken at his window
When he opens up, shout "Rapunzel ... Rapunzel .... Let down your long hair!!"
Buy him purfume for his birthday
Go up to him and say "What kind of villian plays with playdoh?! I mean, I stopped playing with playdoh when I was five. Grow up."
Replace all of his underwear with Victoria's Secrets thongs
For Christmas, give him a training bra and say "Your parents and I have decided that you're ready to start wearing a bra!!"
While he's working on his art, go up to him and say "What's the point of art making a bang? I mean, you're art just blows up so you only get to see it for a little bit. I'm all for Sasori's art."
Call him Paris Hilton everytime you pass
Mention that he's gay at every meeting
Hidan
Steal his scythe and bury it in an unknown location
Refer to him as a vampire
Throw garlic at him whenever he appears and shout "Begone evil vampire!"
For his birthday, buy him a bible
Try to convert him into a different religion every five minutes
Insult Jashin
Rescue all of his sacrifices during his ritual
Refuse to help him get put back together
Enlist him into the mafia
When he asks why say "Well you already have the hair, now all you need is the designer suit and a machine gun."
Tell him to lay off of the bleach
Don't allow him to eat and tell him that because he's immortal he shouldn't die of hunger
Show him a picture of Draco Malfoy and ask if they are related in any way
Take him on a trip to Transylvannia and introduce him to his uncle, Count Dracula
For his birthday, give him a bloody goat and say "I hope you enjoy your meal."
Allow people to come in to watch his ritual while charging them
Don't give him any cut from the profit
Dye his hair black
Bleep out every cuss word he says
Take him to Dr. Phil so he can talk about self abuse
Kakuzu
Burn his money in front of him
Steal his money
While he's counting his money, knock over the stacks so he has to start again
Steal the body from the bounty and tell him you lost it
When going shopping, buy hundreds of dollars worth of food, and use his money to pay for it
During the winter, throw his wallet into the fire
When he starts yelling at you proclaim that it was the closest thing you could reach and that you didn't want to throw Sasori in the fire
Take his hundreds and burn them slowly with a lighter
Tell him that you were bored and that you ran out of fire wood
Get to all of the bounties before he can
Constantly go to him to get stitched up
Pay him two hundred bucks to kiss Hidan
Videotape him doing it
Then tell him that you lost the money
During the Christmas season, buy everyone expensive gifts except for him using his money
Tell him that Bill Gates and Donald Trump are richer than him
Sell him on Ebay to Orochimaru
Buy him back for half the price and put him in a glass case so you can mock him
Kisame
Everytime he walks, start playing the Jaws theme song
Question him about he's able to stay out of the water without dying
Make a trail of fishing bait that leads to your room
When he arrives grin and say "Wow! That commercial was telling the truth when it said that you'd be reeling in the big ones."
Flood his room and say that you wanted to make him feel like home
Show him Finding Nemo and ask if those sharks are his brothers
Take him to Sea World and try to hook him up with Shamu
When vacationing, push him into the ocean crying out "BE FREE, KISAME!! THERE'S A BETTER LIFE FOR YOU OUT THERE!!"
Read him an ItaKisa fanfic and make sure it's rated M
Tell him that if he wants to get with Itachi, he's going to have to learn how to be Sasuke
Take him to the shark exhibit at the Mandalay Bay Casino in Las Vegas and randomly point out his family members
At one of the tanks break down crying
When he requests to know why you're crying, point a dying shark and shout "KISAME!! They're taking your mom to fishy heaven!!"
Zetsu
Ask him if he's man or plant
Pant his whole head white or black
Scream at him randomly saying that he needs to take some pills because he's bipolar
Fill his cloak and shoes with Fertilizer
Tell him that you're trying to make him grow taller
Ask him if he's some how related to a t-rex
Don't allow him to eat the dead bodies
Instead, make him watch you burn them to shriveled pieces
Call the FBI and tell them that Zetsu is secretly growing cocaine and marjuana in his head
Kick him in the balls
Frown when he starts to scream and sigh telling him that he's a plant and shouldn't have any in the first place
Go up to him one day while he's tending to his plants and say "Hey, since plants are both male and female ... What are you?"
Give him to the tree huggers society and tell him that you're helping them save him
Have Pakkun or any other dog pee on him
Attempt to cut him down for fire wood
Spray him with pesticide
Say that he should go have the doctor check out the growth on his head
Feed him tofu instead of flesh
Tell him that going green and saving the planet was so last year