Until he had joined, I was the castle's whore- well, I always thought higher of myself than something that was just passed around pretty carelessly between the other members, but I certainly did get around… There were variations of relationships, but in the end, it was all the same- I always ended up alone. Sometimes it would be Xigbar or Xaldin, drunkly seeking me out at unholy hours of the night and having their way with me. I didn't really care too much because they were smooth enough about it, chatting with me a little bit before we were making out, then taking off clothes, then stumbling over to my bed…we both would enjoy ourselves, but I would never wake up to anyone the next morning. Xigbar and Xaldin were one-night stands.
Other times it would be Vexen, calling me down to his secluded laboratory for what he called an experiment or check-up, but usually ended up turning into undressing and touching and making me squirm. I never really felt comfortable with what he did, but he was so gentle and technical about it, as if he really was observing some sort of test subject- I wouldn't object too much.
Zexion felt real enough to me that when he moved on, I actually was hurt. What made him different, was that he seemed more interested with what was in my head than in my pants. He was different because when I woke up in the morning, he would actually still be there. We liked to pretend together that there was actually something between us, though we both knew well enough that all we were feeling were fake remnants of the emotion we once had. We made a good pair, but Zexion doesn't return to novels. Once he had read me cover to cover, he moved on to the next book.
Luxord was fun, but only a game. Although no one really ever did, it just seemed more apparent that he never took me seriously. Our relationship was kind of like a bunch of steady one night stands- it was practically scheduled. He'd go on a mission, go out gambling until he ran out of money, then come home, and we'd have sex. He'd only still be there in the morning if he was fighting a hang over, or if it was his own bed. Luxord didn't have anything great enough for me to stay with him more than a week, and I didn't.
Marluxia…hurt. He saw me as something he could control and smack around and I was his bitch and he was my master, or something like that. He was the kind of person who liked handcuffs and whips and scratching and biting until I bled, and I always felt like I hurt more after screwing with him than I did after being smacked around by a keyblade. Marluxia and I- we lasted a month only because I was scared he'd hurt me or something if I left.
But Axel and I… he was different. He was in every way my superior- older, taller, more experienced, and had been in the organization longer. He was smooth, and smart enough to make it seem like he just wanted to please me, not be pleased himself. And what made him different from Zexion was that him and I didn't just like to pretend we had emotions, we'd mourn together than we didn't have any, and try to plan ways to find hearts. We felt like we were the only person who understood each other, and that brought us closer. We didn't last a night, or a week, or a month. We lasted months. We were real. At least, as real as one without a heart can get.
He wasn't just there when I woke up in the morning- when I woke up, I'd be in his arms, and we'd be snuggled together. He didn't just try to control me, or touch me, and we didn't only have sex when he was drunk- though, we did have a lot of sex, because I wanted to. He was amazing. It was like we were made for each other- excuse the cheesiness. Axel made me feel like more than just a nobody, more than just the castle's resident bitch, more than just the little blond teen that everyone needed to get in the pants of. I hadn't realized how low I regarded myself until Axel regarded me as higher.
And then… Well, 13 always had been an unlucky number.
We had both been curious when he came around. In fact, everyone was. He seemed too young to be in the Organization, too small- I wasn't even entirely convinced he knew what he was doing there. But what I saw as naïve, everyone else saw as fresh- he was younger, less experienced, easier to talk into things. He was the new cute, young blond, and I was dropped by everyone- even Axel. Everyone chased after him- even Axel. Everyone wanted a piece of him- and Axel was the one that ended up winning him over.
I wasn't anything anymore. Not a somebody, not a whore, or someone's bitch- not someone to be passed around from person to person, and certainly not loved, by anyone- especially Axel. I suppose I should've thanked Roxas for the reality check. He made it so that I couldn't pretend anymore. I was a nobody.