I think that we only breathe long enough to know what breathing is like... and after we know, we cease to breathe.
We only exist long enough to say that we existed... after that, it's as though our existence was never real.
Life is like... a petal from a cherry blossom floating along a river. It's always moving. Always. Until it ceases to exist whether it be destroyed by time or by something else. And everyone will eventually forget about that petal. Or perhaps nobody will have ever known it existed.
So, I'll breathe as much as I can while still trying not to know what it is like, so that I may stay here longer with you.
So we inhale and we exhale, as our lives slip by. One. Moment. At. A. Time.
"Are you sure that this is alright?" I whispered quietly into his ear as he held me close, his hand running under the back of my shirt.
"Why wouldn't is be alright, Kiku?" His response. I feel his soft lips press against mine for a moment before he kisses my neck.
"W-What about Feliciano-kun?"
"What about him?"
"I thought that you and he..."
"Absolutely not." He pulled back for a second to look directly into my eyes, "I know that I'm with Feliciano, but... Kiku, he isn't what I want."
"Then why are you with him?" It didn't make sense to me. Not at all.
"Because, I guess it's what people expected. He's always around me. Always. So..." He looked down for a moment before kissing my eyes, "What's wrong Kiku? You're crying." He whispered.
The truth was, I hadn't even realized I was crying. I didn't know why I was crying, either.
But after a moment of silence, I think I understood why I was upset.
I couldn't do this to Feliciano.
No matter how long I had waited to feel Ludwig's arms around me.
No matter how badly I had wanted to feel his kisses on my lips, my neck.
I couldn't do something like this to Feliciano, because he would never do something like this to me.
I pushed Ludwig away from me and took a step back.
'"Kiku? What's wrong?" He asked, clearly concerned.
"Ludwig-san! H-how could you even consider doing this? What about Feliciano-kun?"
"I already told you, I don't really love him. Kiku, I love you."
His words hit me hard, and I thought that I might pass out. It wasn't the fact that I didn't want to hear him say that he loved me...
But the timing was terrible.
"But Feliciano-kun loves you! He loves you! How could you throw that all away?"
"Kiku! Calm down! I'm sorry! I tried to love him, really, I did! But all I can think about is you! I'm sorry! Gott damnit Kiku! I'm sorry!"
I turned and ran the other way, down the corridors of his home. I could hear him behind me, chasing me. It stopped feeling like I was running just to run, but rather, it started to feel as though I was running to save my life.
I jumped down the stairs, missing almost all of them. I guess I had been training fairly well. My mind was so confused that I couldn't remember where the front door was and I ended up in the spare bedroom with nowhere else to go. I couldn't hear his footsteps anymore as I hid under the bed. The only place that I could think to hide.
Maybe I had lost him.
I wondered how long it would be before I could finally come out from under the bed.
How long it would be before I finally let myself sneak from his house.
Should I tell Feliciano-kun?
No.
It would break his heart, and I can't stand to see him cry. I can't stand to see anyone cry.
I saw his shadow and I heard his footsteps again as he opened the door. He lied down on the bed above me, the spring of the mattress giving off small noises as he did so.
"Kiku. I know you're under there. And I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything. I'll wait right here until you decide to come out. I think we need to talk. I think that I need to explain some things. Kiku. I love you, and I'm sorry."
I felt the hot tears streak down my cheeks again. I felt like I was falling through the air. Falling through nothingness. I felt like I had no control of myself. But I stayed still, not sobbing, not making any sounds. Just letting the tears fall from my eyes. Because that's all that I really could do.
I knew that Ludwig-san was right above me. And I knew that he was serious when he said that he would stay there until I came out.
But I didn't want him to see that I was still crying. So I stayed under that bed, and I eventually fell asleep.