Veera hadn't expected to find herself in front of Krystal Goderitch's nail salon; it just sort of happened. An errand had taken her downtown, she realized she was in the area, and before she knew it, she was here. She held the business card she'd received at Alison's house, one of several Krystal had handed out, now a crumpled ball in her fist. Her hands took on a life of their own when she was nervous. Why was she nervous?
She spotted her chatting with a customer through the front window, bouncing with an energy that made Veera question their relation to each other, especially as she caught her own reflection in the glass. Dull. Ordinary. It didn't stop Krystal's face from lighting up as she caught sight of her, cutting her conversation short and scampering over in what looked like painful high heels.
"Hey, you!" she shouted, voice bubbling with excitement. She swallowed Veera in a tight hug. Her hair smelled vaguely tropical.
"Veera, right?" She pulled back, smiling brightly. Her hands stayed fixed on Veera's shoulders as though she were a lifelong friend and not someone whose name she could barely remember. (She had remembered though, a fact that made Veera unexpectedly pleased.)
Veera nodded.
"Hi, Krystal."
"Girl, you're lucky," Krystal said, removing her hands, to Veera's relief. "You're the first one of you who gets to experience my gift."
"Oh," Veera said, turning away from Krystal's eager face. "Actually, I was just passing by. I don't know if have time to-"
She felt Krystal's hand wrap tight around her wrist before she could make her escape.
"Mm, yeah, no. It's happening."
Veera quickly found herself being dragged through the front door, losing the nerve to protest with each step. She felt the weight of several pairs of eyes on her as she entered, clearly out of place among the smooth-skinned and glittery clientele.
"Trust me," Krystal said. Veera shuffled behind, wanting to but definitely not trusting her. "You'll be surprised how much a set of bangin' nails can do for like, your soul."
Finally, Krystal's grip loosened. She gestured toward a row of chairs, most of them occupied by some of the shiniest women Veera had ever seen.
"Grab a seat over here. Just let me finish up with Amber real quick, and then we're doing this. Marie, you don't mind if Christine takes you, right?"
Veera watched the second-shiniest woman make a face somewhere between disgust and panic.
"Thanks!" Krystal sang, turning and dashing back to her client.
Veera took a seat in the corner and quickly buried her face in a magazine to block out the dirty look she was now getting from Marie. 6 Fresh Summer Looks, each seemingly more impractical than the last. She really shouldn't be in a place like this. She'd been here less than a minute and already made an enemy. She could make a run for it and not look back, not have to see Krystal's disappointed face, but even then, she had a pretty good idea of what it might look like. Sighing, she resigned herself to her magazine and waited for whatever it was Krystal was going to do to her hands.
It had been the previous weekend at Alison's house when they'd met, a sort of official welcome into the family for them both, now that everyone was safe. Veera, somewhat overwhelmed by it all - Alison's polite but probing questions, Cosima and Felix semi-drunkenly chortling over some inside joke, Sarah and Helena loudly play-fighting - had taken refuge in Alison's kitchen. It felt like a family, it did. It just didn't feel like her family quite yet.
She'd been wondering who would find her here, sat in the corner of the floor, knees hugged to her chest, biting her nails. She didn't expect it would be the woman she recognized as Krystal Goderitch, heels clacking loudly against the cold kitchen tile.
"Shit!" she squeaked as she spotted Veera, nearly spilling her glass of wine. She must have just arrived, or Veera had lost track of time, something she tended to do when disappearing into her head.
"Sorry," Veera said, embarrassed.
"No, it's okay, I was just looking for the, um…" Krystal trailed off, waving her hand vaguely in some direction. She looked back, taking in the sight of Veera curled up on the floor. Veera should probably stand up, make this whole situation a little less uncomfortable, though it felt a little late for that now.
"Did you just find out too?" Krystal finally asked. Of course. That would be a good excuse for it.
"Oh. No," Veera said. "2001."
"Oh, wow," Krystal said, disappointment written all across her face. Veera might have been imagining it, but she looked lonely. She hovered by the door, nails tapping at her wine glass. Then she stopped. She gave a small nod to herself and walked up to Veera.
"Do you mind if I sit?" she asked.
Veera swallowed back her confusion and nodded. Krystal flashed her a tiny smile, and with no small amount of effort, managed to slide to the floor beside her. She smelled very pleasant.
"I'm Krystal, by the way." Setting her glass on the floor, she extended a hand to Veera, limp at the wrist. Veera knew very well who she was, of course, but sensed that may not be what she wanted to hear right now.
"Veera," she said, shaking her hand, careful to avoid touching the nails that looked like they might snap off at any moment.
Krystal smiled, a very small smile that faded as quickly as it came. There was a silence again, Krystal gazing deep into the pool of wine in her glass.
"Are you okay?" Veera asked, partly just to break the silence.
Krystal's head popped up suddenly. She stared at Veera for a moment, a stunned look on her face.
"Yeah!" she replied, shaking her head. "Sorry, no one ever asks me that. Yeah. I'm fine. I'll be fine, I think. It's just…"
Her focus returned to the wine glass, running her thumb along the rim.
"When you found out, did you feel like…"
Veera watched Krystal pause, stare off into a corner of the room as she searched for the words. Whatever this was, Veera felt ill-equipped to deal with it.
"It's not like I ever thought I was special or anything," Krystal finally said. "But I dunno, I see everyone here, and I just think, am I really even me?"
Veera wasn't sure how to answer a question like that, so she instead watched in silence as Krystal downed the rest of her wine in a single gulp.
"Is that totally stupid?" She looked to Veera, eyes desperate for any kind of reassurance.
"No," Veera said. "I think it's normal to have questions about your identity after something like this." Normal. Yes, most normal people would. Niki did.
Krystal nodded, a small satisfaction.
"Thank you for saying that."
She wanted a story, Veera realized. Of how Veera had overcome her inner struggles and grown a deeper sense of self. If she wanted a pep talk about self-worth, she'd come to the wrong person. Still, she looked like she wasn't used to it, all the doubt.
"You shouldn't worry," Veera said. Krystal tilted her head toward her, expectant. "I can tell you're not like anyone I've met."
And somehow, judging from Krystal's smile, it seemed she'd said the right thing.
"Really?"
Veera nodded, drawing out an even wider smile.
"Can I hug you?" Krystal asked. "Is that okay?"
"Okay," Veera said, surprising herself with the immediacy of it, with how she hadn't even had to think about it.
And Krystal's arms were so tight around her now, she could feel the thrum of their heartbeats against one another, or maybe just her own working in double time. Veera realized it in that moment, that they'd both needed this.
"Come on, don't be shy," Krystal said with a smile, waving Veera over. Fighting the urge to shove her hands into her pockets (she'd only just washed them), she made her way over to the stool across from Krystal and took her seat.
"What do I have to do?" Veera asked in a voice smaller than she would have liked.
Krystal smiled, kind and warm.
"That's the best part. You don't have to do anything. Just relax, and let me take care of you."
Veera swallowed.
"Okay."
"I'm gonna need your hands though."
"Oh."
Embarrassed, she pulled her arms out of her lap and out onto the table. Krystal took one of Veera's hands in hers, pressing their palms together.
"Wow, look at us," she said, admiring the way they fit against each other. "Samesies!"
Veera was sure Krystal could feel her heart beating through her fingers.
"Sorry," Krystal said. "It's still just so weird, you know?"
Veera was about to say something she thought she'd want to hear — 'you'll get used to it' or 'you're not alone' — when she heard Krystal gasp.
"Veera!" she said, slapping her lightly on the wrist. "You bite your nails!"
"Sometimes," Veera said softly. She'd actually like to be biting them now, but settled for chewing on her lip instead.
"Well," Krystal said, shaking her head. "It's a good thing you came to me."
She smiled at Veera, something tender in her eyes. Veera managed a small smile back. Oh god. She had a crush. A stupid, hopeless crush on her clone. Of course.
Krystal had now started rubbing her hand with something wet and cold, and oh no, this was intimate. She felt stupid for not realizing it would be, and even stupider for not recognizing her crush earlier when she could have stopped this. Krystal would see it. If she looked into Veera's eyes, she'd see every panicked thought threatening to burst out of her skull.
"So," Krystal said, looking up from their hands, mouth curving into something mischievous. She knew. She knew. She knew. "I've heard some things about you, Veera."
"What things?" Veera asked, voice as steady as she could manage.
"I heard…" Krystal paused, leaned in dizzyingly close. "I heard you took that British creep's money. What was it, like a million?"
"3.7 million, actually," Veera said. She smirked at the sight of Krystal's jaw dropping.
"No shit, really? God, you're like, my hero."
Veera felt herself start to blush, then the soft touch of Krystal's hand on her wrist.
"He deserved it, and way worse," Krystal said.
Veera looked up, into her eyes, and just for a second, it was Niki there in front of her. She bit down harder on her lip to keep from crying.
"So, what do you even do with all that money?"
Veera cleared her throat, forcing herself to recover.
"It's well-invested."
Krystal stopped filing, dropping their hands to the table dramatically.
"Oh, sweetie, you have to have a little fun with it."
Veera considered it. Honestly, after the computer parts and video games, there wasn't much she could think to do with the remaining $3.69 million. She could live out the rest of her life in modest comfort with plenty to spare.
"What would you do with it?" she asked, though judging by Krystal's face, it seemed she was already thinking about it.
"Probably open my own dance studio," she said proudly.
Veera tried and failed to stifle a giggle.
"Don't laugh!" Krystal's brow furrowed. Veera still found her impossibly pretty. "Have you seen me dance?"
"No," Veera said, and of course she was now thinking about that.
"Mm, didn't think so." Krystal went back to filing as though to put a point on it. "I'll have you know I've been compared to Britney. But like, early Britney, you know? I mean, don't get me wrong, she's obviously still a major inspiration for me, just like, spiritually and sexually , if that makes sense… Veera?"
"Hm?" Veera realized her mouth had been hanging open. She'd been trying to follow the conversation, honestly. "Sorry, who's Britney?"
The way Krystal's eyes widened, it was like Veera had kicked her dog.
"I cannot believe you just asked me that. I swear, besides that pretty face, it's like we're not even related."
Veera knew it was just a cute little joke, just something to say, but that wasn't enough to stop the sudden rush of blood to her face.
"I'm not," she said. Instinctively, her hand flew to her face, pulling strands of hair over her cheek. She knew what she looked like, and she could see what Krystal looked like. They weren't the same. They just weren't.
"Oh my god, babe, are you kidding?" Krystal's hand was gentle at Veera's wrist, guiding it away from her face. "Scars are hot!"
Veera gave a small laugh. Krystal was very kind.
"You don't have to say that."
"Christine?" Krystal turned to her side, and Veera realized suddenly that there were other people at the table, just a few feet away. Marie, her arch-nemesis, looked dissatisfied with the work Christine was doing.
"Scars are hot," Christine repeated.
Krystal turned back to Veera, eyebrows raised. Told you so, they seemed to say. There was no way Veera's blushing wasn't blindingly obvious at this point, particularly in this oppressive lighting.
"Believe me, I've gotten in trouble over guys with scars." Krystal exhaled loudly. There was a story there. "I see them, and I dunno, I'm just powerless."
Krystal smiled fondly at Veera, and Veera found herself smiling back. She let her hair fell away from her face.
Veera sat at her computer, staring down at her shiny new purple fingernails. At the time, it had seemed like one of the less gaudy options, but they now felt distractingly colorful within the confines of her apartment. Still, it wasn't as though she could have said no to Krystal's eager smile when she asked if Veera was feeling adventurous. Not if it meant cutting her visit short.
She picked her phone up from the desk and pressed the power button, lighting up the screen with messages from Krystal. She'd insisted on entering her number into Veera's phone, and now she had this: Krystal's e-mail address and a winky-face emoji.
"What do you mean?" Veera asked the emoji, wishing it could reveal its secrets.
It means she likes you.
No.
It means nothing. She'll just keep winking, and touching your arm, and calling you pretty until you do something stupid like tell her you like her, and then you'll never hear from her again.
Veera slid her phone to the far corner of the desk, suddenly finding herself resenting a tiny cartoon face. She sighed, turning her attention to her computer to distract herself from having to confront her confusing feelings. It worked for about ten minutes, checking the latest comic and video game news, before she ended up on Krystal's Instagram account.
She knew she should find them ridiculous, the exaggerated pouty lips and the over-the-top poses, but it was all strangely endearing. She scrolled down, and her face lit up bright red as she reached a set of bikini pictures. Instinctively, she closed the tab, but the images remained seared in her mind.
Okay, she needed to distract herself again.
By visiting Krystal's Facebook page. It was set to public, so Veera shouldn't feel too weird about any of this: reading posts on her wall and hypothesizing about how she knew these people, having her heart jump at the word 'single' next to the words 'relationship status', finding the same set of bikini photos and lingering a second or two longer this time.
Before she knew it, this had become her afternoon. Krystal Goderitch had left footprints all across the internet, seemingly making no effort to cover her tracks. Highlights included: a fascinating window into Krystal's high school life via her 2002 Xanga account ("PROM. WAS. LIFECHANGING.") , a risqué photo shoot from a brief modeling stint that caused Veera to audibly gasp and (again) close the tab in a panic, and a low-budget hip-hop video in which Krystal proved she did indeed have some dancing talent.
Then, after it seemed like she'd wrung the internet dry of Krystal content, she found something else. It was buried a bit deeper, but Veera had a sense for which threads were dead-ends and which would lead to other points of interest, and it was the thinnest of threads that had led her here.
Freeflow - Online Poetry Archive
Now this was unexpected. Veera's eyes trailed down Krystal's profile.
BitterRose
let the winds take me
87 works
Veera blinked, retracing her steps in her head. This had to be Krystal, but… Krystal writing poetry? Krystal writing eighty-seven poems? Veera was finding it hard to get her head around.
But beyond that, she felt a trace of guilt. This felt private, tucked away, one of the few places Krystal hadn't identified herself with some variation of her real name.
Still, Veera's curiosity won out. She clicked through to the collection of poems and began reading.
At first, it was… frustrating. Veera had a basic understanding of traditional poetry, the various forms of rhyme and meter, none of which applied to Krystal's work. It left only the more abstract concepts: the emotions, the metaphors, the mood. Veera found these more of a challenge.
Eventually though, and maybe it was partly because she'd seen her vulnerable side, she began to see Krystal in the words. She saw her hope and positivity in 'sunrise in the city' ("the light breaks and washes away the night before") and her pain and loneliness in 'dear Hector' ("i can't stand the sight of it, the empty space where you should be").
It wasn't until the eighth poem, 'unraveled', that she noticed a comment section at the bottom - empty. Curious, she backed out and scrolled through the list of poems again. Eighty-seven poems and a grand total of two comments. "I like this!" and 'whoa'. She was annoyed. No way her friend - friend? Yes, friend! - was going to put this much effort into something and not receive the recognition she deserved. Commenting required an account, so she quickly signed up using an inconspicuous username (justyna42), and got to work.
It occurred to Veera to wonder, at a point when it was maybe too late to start wondering this, if there was something creepy about one person reading and commenting on dozens of another person's poems within the span of a couple of hours. Still, she was seventy-three poems deep at this point. What was the point in leaving it unfinished? Eighty-seven comments was maybe only nominally creepier than seventy-three comments. And besides, at a certain point, it had become less about Veera's curiosity about Krystal or the desire to validate her new friend, and more about the works themselves. She was under no illusion that Krystal was some master poet, but Veera was beginning to grasp those abstract concepts she'd struggled with before. The mood in 'night alone' felt thick and oppressive. The empty childhood home in 'gone away' was a metaphor for the pain of loss, at least she was pretty sure about that. And it was 'self', posted the day after they'd met at Alison's house, where Veera finally got a sense of the emotions Krystal had felt that night.
does it hurt you to know you're just a piece of what you thought you were?
that there will never be enough to put you back together?
When the words on the screen began to blur together, Veera realized she was crying.
Veera woke up groggy the next morning (or early afternoon), hungover from a long day of… getting a manicure and internet-stalking. So she didn't know what to make of the fact that there were eighty-eight new messages in her inbox until she remembered she hadn't signed out of her new e-mail account. Her heartbeat quickened as she clicked through to the first message.
OMG i can't thank you enough. seriously. you made my day, my week, my whole year! i mostly write for myself but its so amazing to know i have a fan. fan? reader? LOL whatever you are i appreciate you so so SO much THANK YOU!
Veera scrolled through the other messages, hand over her mouth in disbelief. Not only was Krystal not creeped out, she'd replied to every single comment.
YOU GET ME! i wasn't in the best place emotionaly when i wrote this one obvs. hope it wasn't too scary! XD
yeah we moved when i was like 12. i remember walking through the empty house just reliving all the tiny memories i made there. all the stuff you never even think about you know? it all came rushing back. when i got to my room i just fell to the floor and started crying and crying. thought i'd never be able to stop. thought i'd never be able to find another place i could call home. i didn't even want to. TMI i know! i'm better now. :)
seriously? you cried? sorry I swear i'm not making fun of you, i just never thought i'd ever write anything that would make someone cry. I'm sorry? haha i don't know what to say i'm just like WOW, i can't believe it. can i tell you a secret? i cried writing it. so i guess we're even or something? ;)
Veera was smiling, giddy at the idea that she'd made Krystal so happy. There'd been no reason to feel uneasy about it after all. What was the harm in it? Krystal was happy. Veera was happy. She shouldn't feel bad about having done it.
In fact, she saw no reason why she shouldn't continue doing it. After all, she had a lot of things to say about Krystal's replies. So, after fixing breakfast (toast with marmalade), she returned to the Freeflow site and got down to business.
Krystal kept her waiting this time. Enough time for Veera to level up her entire Baldur's Gate party, conquer the world twice-over in Civilization, have lunch (around dinner time), carry her Dota team to victory five times in a row (not that she was counting), and complete a dozen or so of the supposedly hardest fan-made Portal puzzles. Finally, a single message appeared in her inbox.
hey is there an easier way for us to talk? i wish this site had chat lol. i want to anwser all your questions!
Veera replied without hesitation, linking Krystal to a private IRC channel. She opened a new tab and holed up there, waiting. Plenty of time to consider and reconsider what she was doing. All that doubt washed away in an instant as soon as Krystal's username appeared.
[22:50] (bitterrose) hey!
[22:50] (justyna42) Hi
[22:51] (bitterrose) i hope you know how much it means to me that you read all my work
[22:51] (bitterrose) stuff
[22:51] (bitterrose) stuff sounds less pretentious lol
[22:51] (justyna42) I was happy to! I really admire your writing
[22:51] (bitterrose) oh stop it haha
[22:52] (bitterrose) can i ask you something?
[22:52] (justyna42) Okay
[22:52] (bitterrose) how did you find my stuff?
[22:53] (bitterrose) i know you said you dont know a lot about poetry
[22:53] (bitterrose) and your page says you only created your account yesterday
[22:53] (bitterrose) lol im not like a cop or anything im just curious
[22:57] (bitterrose) u there?
[22:57] (justyna42) I guess I'm interested in poetry even if I don't know a lot about it
[22:57] (justyna42) I lurked for a while but I never felt the need to comment until I found your writing
[22:58] (justyna42) I saw you only had two comments and it made me sad, haha
[22:58] (bitterrose) oh ok :)
[22:58] (bitterrose) you ever write anything?
[22:59] (justyna42) Haha, no, I wouldn't be any good
[22:59] (bitterrose) why?
[22:59] (bitterrose) you just have to write what you feel you know?
[22:59] (bitterrose) i'd be your #1 fan!
[23:00] (bitterrose) its only fair right? ;)
[23:00] (justyna42) I guess I could try
[23:01] (bitterrose) do it!
[23:01] (bitterrose) :D
[23:01] (bitterrose) is justyna your real name?
[23:01] (bitterrose) or Justyn A. lol
[23:04] (bitterrose) ?
[23:04] (justyna42) Sorry, yes
[23:04] (justyna42) Justyna
[23:05] (bitterrose) pretty name :)
[23:05] (bitterrose) i'm krystal
[23:05] (bitterrose) yes thats my real name hahaha
[23:06] (justyna42) I like it
[23:06] (bitterrose) haha yeah right
[23:06] (bitterrose) but thanks
[23:07] (bitterrose) nice to meet you justyna :)
They were there for hours, Krystal more than happy to talk about her writing, which was a relief, as Veera was able to shift the conversation back to that whenever any more uncomfortable questions came her way. Still, she had to lie more often than she'd expected to.
[03:03] (bitterrose) but yeah i really poured my heart into that one
[03:03] (bitterrose) its kinda embarassing looking back lol
[03:03] (justyna42) It's amazing! Don't be embarrassed
[03:04] (bitterrose) omg its so late!
[03:04] (justyna42) O_O
[03:04] (justyna42) I hadn't noticed
[03:04] (bitterrose) haha its 3am here
[03:04] (bitterrose) works gonna suck tomorrow thanks to you justyna :P
[03:05] (bitterrose) jk i really like talking to you
[03:05] (bitterrose) but i need my beauty rest :(
[03:05] (justyna42) Okay… :(
[03:06] (bitterrose) LOL don't make this harder!
[03:06] (justyna42) Heheh
[03:06] (bitterrose) will you be around tomorrow night?
[03:06] (bitterrose) i didnt even answer all your questions!
[03:07] (justyna42) I'll be here!
[03:07] (bitterrose) good! you better be!
[03:07] (justyna42) Scary
[03:08] (bitterrose) LOL i don't like being stood up
[03:08] (justyna42) I'll be here, I promise
[03:08] (bitterrose) :)
[03:08] (justyna42) :)
[03:09] (bitterrose) goodnight justyna
[03:09] (justyna42) Good night, Krystal
[03:10] == bitterrose has quit
The next day was excruciatingly long, filled with a failed Nuzlocke run, a failed journey outside the apartment (hobby shop was closed, corner store was sold out of the peanut butter she liked), and several failed attempts at writing a poem. So when Krystal appeared, Veera was half-worried she'd be able to feel her desperate excitement through the screen.
[22:01] (justyna42) Hi!
[22:01] (biterrose) heeeey :)
[22:02] (justyna42) Was work okay?
[22:02] (biterrose) OMGGG
[22:02] (biterrose) someone died on my operating table!
[22:03] (justyna42) ...
[22:03] (biterrose) jk i'm a manicurst :P
[22:03] (biterrose) it was good actualy i think talking with you energized me
[22:04] (biterrose) like that stupid bunny hahaha
[22:04] (biterrose) im a little drunk btw
[22:05] (justyna42) You can hardly tell! :P
[22:05] (biterrose) LOL shut up
[22:05] (biterrose) OMG
[22:06] (biterrose) i speled my name biter rose!
[22:06] (justyna42) I wasn't going to mention it
[22:06] (biterrose) look out justyna
[22:07] (biterrose) ima bite you
[22:07] (justyna42) No!
[22:07] (biterrose) chomp chomp chomp
[22:08] (justyna42) Ow :(
[22:08] (biterrose) chomp chomp chomp
[22:08] (justyna42) asdlkdkldakldaskldsk
[22:09] (biterrose) i'm probably not what you expected right
[22:09] (biterrose) you wanted someone who could talk about themes and imabic whatever
[22:09] (biterrose) u know what i mean
[22:10] (justyna42) Iambic pentameter?
[22:10] (biterrose) YEAH that
[22:10] (justyna42) I like your perspective better
[22:11] (biterrose) yeah?
[22:11] (justyna42) Definitely
[22:11] (biterrose) ok :)
[22:12] (biterrose) sorry about the biting
[22:12] (justyna42) I thought it was cute
[22:12] (biterrose) justyna!
[22:12] (biterrose) u think i'm cuuuuute
[22:14] (justyna42) That's not what I said exactly
[22:14] (biterrose) mhm if you say so ;)
They never did get to the rest of Veera's questions that night, or the following night, or the following afternoon, though it became the running excuse to continue talking with each other. Eventually, even that fell away.
A few weeks into their new and exciting online friendship, Veera received a text from Krystal. That is, the Veera Krystal knew as Veera, not the Veera Krystal knew as Justyna.
) Hey girl! Lunch sometime? We should catch up!
Veera ignored it.
I traced the path that we once walked
The ghost of you and me
The places we had fallen
The triumphs we had seen
I saw where we had come apart
The path I walked alone
I dream one day our paths converge
To shepherd us back home
Veera ran her eyes again along what she'd written. It felt a little trite. Strictly speaking, the rhythmic structure was all over the place. Also, slant rhyme. Still, she didn't hate it, which was more than she could say for her first twenty-some-odd drafts. It was fine. It would have to do.
[19:45] (justyna42) I think my poem is done
[19:45] (justyna42) Maybe
[19:46] (bitterrose) !
[19:46] (bitterrose) i wanna seeeeee
[19:46] (justyna42) Okay, but don't get your hopes up
[19:47] (justyna42) It's only eight lines
[19:47] (justyna42) And it's a little cliche
[19:47] (justyna42) I don't think it's that good
[19:48] (bitterrose) OMFG GIVE ME THE POEM
[19:48] (justyna42) Okay, okay
[19:49] (justyna42) Posted it
[19:51] (bitterrose) JUSTYNA
[19:51] (bitterrose) ITS AMAZINGGGGG
[19:52] (justyna42) -_-
[19:52] (bitterrose) seriously i love it!
[19:52] (justyna42) Thank you :)
[19:53] (bitterrose) i won't ask what its about
[19:53] (bitterrose) i just want you to know you're not alone
[19:53] (bitterrose) you have me!
[19:54] (bitterrose) for whatever that's worth lol
[19:55] (justyna42) It's worth a lot
[19:55] (justyna42) I really appreciate you talking to me
[19:56] (bitterrose) i talk to you because i want to justyna
[19:56] (bitterrose) you're my friend :)
Warm feelings shot through Veera's chest. It had been so long since she'd felt this way, since she'd had someone she wanted to hold on to. But she'd never felt this guilty.
[19:57] (justyna42) I have to tell you something
[19:58] (bitterrose) ok
[19:58] (bitterrose) theres something i want to tell you too :)
[19:59] (justyna42) My name's not Justyna
[19:59] (justyna42) I lied to you
[20:00] (justyna42) I'm really sorry
[20:02] (bitterrose) oh ok
[20:02] (bitterrose) i should say sorry too
[20:03] (bitterrose) i shouldnt have asked your name right off the bat like that
[20:04] (justyna42) No, it's not your fault at all
[20:06] (justyna42) I think that maybe I'm scared of getting too close to anyone
[20:08] (justyna42) I've lost everyone I cared about
[20:08] (justyna42) It's not an excuse
[20:09] (justyna42) But all I can think about is how much it will hurt when it happens again
[20:10] (justyna42) How selfish am I?
[20:11] (bitterrose) hey don't say that about yourself
[20:11] (bitterrose) i know how you feel ok?
[20:12] (bitterrose) you remember i told you about Hector?
[20:13] (justyna42) Of course
[20:14] (bitterrose) well after he died i thought i'd never be able to open my heart to anyone ever again
[20:14] (bitterrose) i was too scared of putting myself through that again
[20:15] (bitterrose) but you know as scary as it is, sometimes you have to walk that tightrope and just believe you're not gonna fall
[20:15] (bitterrose) i'll be there to catch you :)
[20:16] (bitterrose) or maybe i'm on the other side of the rope
[20:16] (bitterrose) lol i'm not so good with metaphors
[20:17] (justyna42) I thought it was good
[20:17] (justyna42) Thank you
[20:18] (bitterrose) :)
[20:18] (bitterrose) here i'll show you
[20:18] (bitterrose) ready?
[20:19] (bitterrose) i like you
[20:19] (bitterrose) i really like you
[20:20] (bitterrose) i think about you all the time
[20:21] (bitterrose) my coworker christine caught me today just staring into space with this stupid smile on my face
[20:21] (bitterrose) she said she'd never seen me like that
[20:22] (bitterrose) i really didnt expect to feel this way but i do
[20:23] (bitterrose) and i don't care who you are ok?
[20:23] (bitterrose) it won't change how i feel
[20:24] (bitterrose) haha please say something i'm really freaking out here
[20:24] (justyna42) Why do you like me?
[20:25] (justyna42) I could be manipulating you
[20:25] (justyna42) I could be telling you what you want to hear
[20:26] (bitterrose) you told me the truth
[20:26] (bitterrose) you could have kept being justyna or said you were really channing tatum or whatever
[20:27] (bitterrose) but you have a good heart don't you? :)
[20:27] (bitterrose) i trust you
[20:28] (justyna42) I really like you too
[20:28] (bitterrose) thank god hahaha
[20:29] (bitterrose) i'm glad you can't see me because im ugly crying right now
[20:29] (justyna42) I've been crying for half an hour!
[20:29] (justyna42) I'm kind of sick of it
[20:30] (bitterrose) i'm really happy tho :)
[20:30] (bitterrose) and its ok, i'm not asking you to tell me now
Veera had it typed out. Hazy as it was, she could see it through the tears: "I'm Veera".
She could say it and be done with it. Krystal said she didn't care who she was. Maybe it would be the best news she could have hoped for. She'd already met Veera, the actual Veera, and seemed to like her well enough. She lived nearby, so they wouldn't have to worry about maintaining a long-distance relationship. Maybe it would be perfect.
I'm Veera.
I'm Veera.
I'm Veera.
[20:36] (justyna42) I'm sorry
[20:37] (justyna42) I want to, I'm just not ready right now
[20:37] (bitterrose) :)
[20:37] (bitterrose) you're worth waiting for
[20:38] (bitterrose) you'd tell me if you were channing tatum right?
[20:38] (justyna42) lol
[20:38] (justyna42) Sorry
[20:39] (bitterrose) oh well i still like you ;)
Krystal never pressured her after that, though a part of Veera honestly wished she would. She knew she couldn't keep this up forever, and she also knew she'd never be brave enough to tell Krystal the truth until it was pulled out of her kicking and screaming. Until she had no choice.
[17:32] (owlbear42) Do your friends know you write poetry?
[17:32] (bitterrose) haha no
[17:33] (bitterrose) i'm not embarassed about it or anything
[17:33] (bitterrose) i love my friends but its not that kind of relationship
[17:33] (bitterrose) i know how it would go
[17:33] (bitterrose) i'd tell them and they'd feel like they have to read my stuff
[17:34] (bitterrose) maybe it sounds shallow but its nice to have some friends you don't need anything from and who don't need anything from you
[17:34] (owlbear42) No, I see what you mean
[17:35] (bitterrose) and when you find someone special who wants to know all of you, with all your walls down
[17:35] (bitterrose) that's pretty nice too ;)
[17:36] (owlbear42) :)
[17:36] (bitterrose) i told them about you the other day
[17:36] (owlbear42) You did?
[17:36] (bitterrose) don't worry i kept it vague
[17:37] (bitterrose) they were pissing me off haha
[17:37] (bitterrose) asking how it was gonna work and if i really saw a future with you
[17:37] (bitterrose) they didn't get how i could be happy with this
[17:38] (bitterrose) how i'm happy to just listen to my heart right now you know?
[17:38] (owlbear42) I'm sorry, I know I'm not making this easy for you :(
[17:39] (bitterrose) thats not what i mean silly
[17:39] (bitterrose) i'm just saying i can't tell them about anything good in my life without them trying to ruin it lol
[17:39] (owlbear42) I guess you haven't told them about your dance studio idea then? :P
It took a moment for Veera to recognize her slip-up. It came crashing down on her in a wave, the memory of the two of them in Krystal's salon. Veera knew about that conversation. owlbear42 wasn't supposed to know about it. She searched her mind, desperate for any kind of half-believable excuse. Or maybe Krystal hadn't noticed?
[17:43] == bitterrose has quit
Okay, she noticed. So… she knew now. And she'd left. So. Clearly, she hated Veera now. Clearly, Veera had been right to hide the truth from her.
No.
No.
Maybe if she'd just been honest in the first place… Maybe if she hadn't been a coward for once in her entire life…
She had to apologize. If she couldn't fix this, the least she could do was apologize. She wiped her face furiously, cursing herself for crying. It never helped, the crying. She opened up Krystal's profile and began typing.
It was one of the hardest things she'd ever had to do. She typed it all out, every excuse for why she'd done it. So many excuses. It sounded pathetic. She sounded pathetic. So she cut them, one by one, every piece of her armor stripped away until there was nothing left but this.
I'm sorry. I'm not a good person.
Veera jumped at the sound of a knock at her door. No one ever came to her door, so why now of all times? The knock came again, quick and frantic. Suspicious, Veera inched her way to the door and pressed her face to the peephole.
Krystal.
Veera stumbled backward, knocking some books off her kitchen counter onto the floor with a heavy thud. This place was a mess.
"Veera?"
Krystal's voice came out small and desperate.
"Sorry for just showing up, but I don't think it's safe to use our phones. Alison gave me your address."
Not safe? Veera had no idea what she was talking about, but… she didn't sound mad.
"Please tell me you're there. I think you're like, the only one who can help me."
Veera opened the door, cautious. The first thing she saw was her own reflection in Krystal's giant sunglasses. Krystal exhaled, relieved.
"Thank god. Can I come in?" Her hand was already planted on the door, waiting for the okay.
"Um…"
"Please? I really don't feel safe out here."
Veera couldn't see her eyes, but there was no mistaking the quiver in her lip. She was scared.
"Okay," Veera said, and Krystal quickly pushed the door open. She offered a small "thank you", closing it behind them. She stayed there, silent for a moment, leaning against the wall, breathing in and out in an attempt to compose herself. She looked about ready to break.
Veera had a lot of questions, but she was afraid to ask any of them, afraid of making any more mistakes.
"I've been talking with someone," Krystal finally said. "Online."
Veera swallowed.
Krystal pushed herself from the wall, began pacing back and forth within the small section of the floor that wasn't covered in junk. If she'd noticed what a disaster the apartment was, Veera was thankful she wasn't pointing it out.
"I think they might be like, one of those monitor things."
Veera's eyes widened as she realized what was happening.
"I know it sounds crazy, okay? They're not supposed to be watching us anymore, right? But like, you remember when I told you about how I wanted to open a dance studio?"
Veera nodded. She felt sick.
"Yeah! You're the only person I told about that! But this person knew about it. So I dunno, maybe they bugged one of us? Could they have bugged us? Or, or maybe it's someone at the salon, you know? You saw Christine. Did she seem suspicious to you?"
"I don't know," Veera managed to choke out.
"Yeah," Krystal said sadly. She stopped pacing. "I don't know either. But you're a hacker, right? If I give you their info and stuff, you can find out who they are?"
Krystal's hand found its way onto Veera's shoulder. She could feel Krystal's desperation in the way she clung to her.
"Can you do it?"
Veera shook under Krystal's stare, under the weight of her hand on her shoulder. She couldn't find the words, any words at all. She wanted to vomit.
Finally, Krystal broke the silence, throwing herself against Veera with an anguished wail, arms tightening around her like she was her life raft.
"God, I'm so stupid, Veera!"
Veera, stupefied, couldn't even raise her arms to hold her.
"I thought I could trust her! I thought…"
Krystal's sobs were so loud in Veera's ear. Her entire body rattled against Veera's. Through her computer screen, Veera had never had to see it. But here it was, solid, wrapped around her in a death grip. This is what she'd done to Krystal.
"It was me," Veera said, voice impossibly small.
Krystal's cries slowed down.
"What?" she asked, sniffling.
Veera shut her eyes tight, swallowed her fear.
"It was me. I'm justyna42."
The room was silent for a few seconds. Then, in one swift motion, Krystal stepped back, shaking Veera loose. Veera couldn't look at anything but the floor, but she could feel Krystal's eyes cutting into the top of her head. She heard footsteps, then the squeak of her couch cushions as Krystal took a seat.
Quiet. Veera risked a glance at Krystal. The sunglasses had come off, her eyes transfixed at some point on the opposite wall. She couldn't read her expression. Again, she had to fight back all the excuses, every instinct telling her to defend herself.
"I'm sorry," she said. She briefly considered running out of her own apartment.
"It was you."
"Yes."
"I don't get it," Krystal said. "I gave you my number. You could have just talked to me. Why did you have to hide?"
Veera felt the tears coming. She bit down hard on her lip. She wasn't allowed to cry.
"I don't know."
"Give me something. Please." Krystal sounded confused, hurt maybe, but not angry. She had every right to be angry, but she didn't sound angry.
Veera pulled it from her mind, the most honest excuse she had.
"I was scared."
"Of what?"
A small tear forced its way out. Stupid. Stupid.
"Of how I felt."
Or more specifically, this. This exact situation. The truth laid bare in the most humiliating possible way.
The pause that followed was agonizing. Eventually, she couldn't stand it anymore. She looked up, then immediately down again when she saw Krystal was looking back. It must have been her imagination, but it looked like she was smiling.
She heard the couch shift under Krystal's weight, then the sound of approaching footsteps, boots heavy on the floor.
"From now on, we're just gonna be honest with each other, okay?"
"Yes," Veera said, beyond grateful. "Of course."
Krystal's boots appeared in Veera's line of sight. She stepped closer. Closer. The floor seemed to drift and sway in Veera's vision. Krystal stopped in front of her, a foot away, if that.
"Look at me, Veera."
Veera raised her head, trembling. Krystal's smile was soft, eyes red and swollen from crying. She was beautiful.
"Um," Veera started. "Maybe we should call Alison. She's probably worried."
Krystal laughed, a small puff of air.
"Is that you want to do right now? Call Alison?"
Veera's face was on fire.
"We're being honest, right?" Veera gasped at the feeling of Krystal's hand at her chest, index finger winding around the drawstring of her sweatshirt.
"Tell me what you want, Veera."
Krystal's eyes were fixed on hers, eyebrows raised, waiting.
Walk the tightrope.
"I want to kiss you," Veera said.
Krystal's expression was static, unreadable. Her eyes flicked to Veera's lips, then up again. She shrugged a shoulder.
"So kiss me."
Okay. Okay. Okay.
Veera pushed through the dizziness, leaning forward until Krystal's face was all she could see, her eyelids sliding closed in anticipation. Shutting her own eyes, Veera closed the final inch of distance between them.
It was somehow even more than she'd imagined, the feel of Krystal's lips accepting hers, the feel of Krystal's wrists perched lightly on her shoulder, the feel of Krystal's fingers running along her scalp, moving in gentle waves through her hair. Krystal brought one arm down, clutching and tugging at Veera's wrist.
"Touch me."
Veera let Krystal guide her hand, coming to rest at her waist. This seemed to satisfy Krystal, who pulled herself forward, pressing her body flush against Veera's. Her mind was a maelstrom, fighting to find and cling to anything that made sense, even more so when she felt the tip of Krystal's tongue slipping past her lips.
"Oh god!" Krystal screamed, jerking away. If her hands weren't still at the back of her neck, Veera would probably collapse. "Sorry! I just… sorry!"
Veera could feel her mouth hanging open, but couldn't seem to get it to close.
"You okay?"
Veera thought of the word yes, tried to send it to her mouth.
"Here," Krystal said, giggling. She brushed the pad of her thumb along the corner of Veera's lips. "You got a little..."
She showed Veera, the smudge of pink lip gloss on the skin of her thumb. Veera laughed. It wasn't even that funny, but it felt good to laugh. She realized she was happy. Unbelievably happy.
"Yeah, you're okay," Krystal said, breaking out into a grin. They held each other there for a moment, Krystal making small adjustments to Veera's hair where she'd gotten a little carried away. Veera could stay like this for hours. Suddenly, Krystal's face lit up, excited. She stepped back, practically bouncing on her toes to the front door. By some miracle, Veera was able to remain standing on her own.
"Come on," Krystal said. "You're gonna take me out."
Veera stared back, dumbstruck, still rooted to the spot where… well, you know.
Krystal held out her hand.
"You don't have to walk this path alone, Veera."
Veera smiled, struck with a sudden rush of warm feelings.
"Too cheesy?" Krystal asked.
"No," Veera said. Managing to find her footing, she stepped forward, closing the distance between them. "Not at all."
She found Krystal's hand, their fingers lacing together, a perfect fit. Together, they stepped through the door.