Words

by race-the-ace

*Mild SLASH*-Sheppard/Mitchell-Sequel to Neverland-Cam was going to relish this, the trust John was giving him-falling asleep in his presence. This was something John had never let happen before and Cam was humbled that was offering it to him now.

Words

Fourth in 'This Delicate Thing We've Made'

Author's Notes :
- Disclaimer : I don't own Stargate Atlantis/SG1 or any of its characters or plots. I mean no infringement, this is for personal benefit only. I don't own anything else you recognize either.
- 'This Delicate Thing We've Made' and 'Words' belong to Darren Hayes.
- Fourth in 'This Delicate Thing We've Made' series. You need to read those to understand this one.
- This is SLASH. That's guy/guy action. Sheppard/Mitchell
- I totally messed with the timeline on this one… and the storyline… and the characters… don't hate me. I would also like to point out again that I have only vague familiarity with SG1.

*** CONTENT WARNING*** This story contains dark, sensitive subject matters. There are references to child abuse, sexual abuse of a minor, sexual abuse, abuse, non-consensual sex.

My Amazing New Beta (feel free to give her some love) : astralia441 over at LJ

---

"Daniel?" A voice asked once Daniel answered his cell phone.

"John?"

"Yeah. Is Cameron there?"

Daniel looked behind him where Mitchell was sitting on the couch reading. "Yeah, he's in the living room. Do you want me to get him?"

"No!" Pause. "Just… can you come pick me up?"

"Of course. Where are you?"

"I don't want Cameron to know," John said quietly.

"Are you okay?" Daniel asked seriously.

"Yes. I… I'm not in trouble or anything, but Cameron would probably freak out and… it's best explained in person."

Daniel frowned a little as he grabbed his car keys. "Okay, I'm heading out the door. Where am I going?"

Pause. "The police station, downtown. It's on Nevada Avenue."

"I know where it is."

"Right. Um, thanks," John added softly.

"I'll be there in fifteen."

---

John sat in the waiting room of the Colorado Springs police headquarters. He was by the door and kept an eye on everyone moving around him.

"Colonel Sheppard?"

John looked up to see Captain Banks holding out a cup of coffee towards him. John reached for it carefully and held the Styrofoam cup between his hands, warming them.

"I can't thank you enough for all your help," Banks said.

John faked a smile easily, "I was just doing my job."

"Still, it was a good thing you happened along when you did."

"Right place, right time," John agreed.

"John?"

John turned to see Daniel standing in the entrance, a thin layer of snow on his jacket and hat.

"That's my ride," John said. He held out his hand, "It was nice to meet you, Captain Banks."

Banks shook John's hand with fervor. "Likewise, Colonel Sheppard."

"You have my number if you need anything," John said politely.

"Yes, and thanks again," Banks said with a genuine smile.

"No problem."

John offered one more smile before walking over to Daniel. Together they left the station and John took a second to throw out the coffee that Captain Banks had brought him.

"John? What's going on? Where's your car?" Daniel asked softly. He reached a hand out towards John and John took a step to the side, avoiding the contact.

"I-I really need to see Cameron," John said softly. He wrapped his arms around himself in a hug.

Daniel nodded, "Okay."

---

Cam looked up from his book when the front door opened. He hoped it was John with the groceries because he was hungry. He'd skipped lunch and the French toast from that morning certainly hadn't lasted long. John had been gone almost two hours, though, and Cam was starting to get a little worried.

He frowned when Daniel stepped in, but his frown turned into a smile when John followed a second later. Without groceries. Cam stood up, intent on helping his husband carry in the bags from the grocers. Daniel shot Cam a look that he couldn't decipher and then headed up the stairs, leaving him and John alone. John locked the door and then made a beeline for Cam.

A second later Cam found himself with an armful of John and his husband seemed content to cling to him in a tight hug. Cam wrapped his arms around John, returning the hug as much as possible. After a few minutes, Cam tried to pull back.

"John? Shouldn't we be getting the groceries out of the car?" Cam asked softly.

"There are no groceries. My car is still at the store."

"Then how'd you get… you called Jackson to come pick you up?"

John nodded against Cam's shoulder. "I-can we lay down?"

Cam's stomach chose that moment to grumble and Cam flushed, embarrassed. "My room or yours?" He asked John.

A horrified look crossed John's face as he looked at Cam. "Dinner! I need to make dinner! Why didn't you say anything?"

He hurried away from Cam and towards the kitchen before Cam had a chance to protest. He followed his husband into the other room and found John already pulling some food out of the refrigerator.

"John, wait. What's wrong? What happened? Where were you?" Cam asked gently. "My stomach can wait. My husband is more important."

"I'll make you a sandwich," John said, slicing pieces off of a French loaf.

"John-"

"I just… I need a few minutes, Cameron. Let me make you a sandwich," John whispered, without meeting Cam's eyes.

Cam nodded slowly, "With mustard?"

"Of course."

Four minutes later, Cam had a large sandwich in front of him and was working his way through it. John was sitting across from him at the table and his expression would go from nervous to scared to haunted and then back to nervous where it would cycle through again. It was honestly starting to scare Cam and he tried to eat just a little bit faster.

Cam finished his sandwich in record time and John cleared his plate away, lingering at the sink long enough for Cam to slip up behind him and worm his arms around John's stomach. John tensed and Cam waited a few minutes but when John didn't relax he slowly pulled away from John's body.

"John? Let's go upstairs," Cam suggested gently.

John nodded stiffly, "Yeah, okay."

They automatically went to John's room. It was a known area and a place that John felt safe in, something he would need for whatever they were about to discuss. John left the door open behind them; it was still closed halfway, but it wasn't a good sign. Cam's husband stood there, nervously picking at the bottom of his shirt.

"You wanted to lie down?" Cam asked.

John stumbled over his words. "I… yes-no!"

Cam wasn't going to rush him. "Do you want me to stay, John?"

John met his eyes, "Yes! Don't-don't leave."

"Okay," Cam said in a soothing voice. "I'm not going anywhere."

Cam sat in the chair by John's bed, the one he sat in when John had nightmares. He waited. And waited. And twenty-nine minutes after they had entered John's room, John turned to look at him.

"I was at the grocery store." Cam nodded. This he knew. "And I was putting the groceries into the car… they're probably spoiled by now."

"It doesn't matter, John," Cam said gently.

"Yeah… I… I was putting the bags in and I heard a woman. She was… she screamed for help." John paused and looked away. "I searched the parking lot, but I couldn't find her. There weren't a lot of people there, it was surprisingly empty. I thought maybe I had… imagined it… or something, so I kept putting the bags in the car, when I heard her again. I locked the car and started to walk around. As I got closer to the side of the building, I could hear her… she was crying and then… I heard someone hit her… over and over…" There was a horrified look on John's face, a haunted look that spoke volumes. Cam stayed very still as John recounted his tale. His focus was pulled away from John when he saw Daniel poking his head into the room before quickly leaving.

"I…" Cam snapped his head back to his husband. "I couldn't just let him hit her, so I… I went over there and-and he was really hurting her, Cameron. She was bleeding and I think her arm was broken. She was so scared and when she looked at me… I couldn't stop myself." John sat heavily on the bed across from Cam and wearily dropped his head into his hands. "I grabbed him. I pulled him off of her. He… fought back." Cam quickly scanned John's person for injuries. "I subdued him enough to call the police… that's where I was. Daniel picked me up from the police station, I was giving my statement. I'm not in any trouble or anything, especially after they saw I was Air Force. The woman was taken to the hospital."

"John," Cam said gently. "What do you need from me?"

John blinked at him slowly. "I-I don't know."

"When you first came home you wanted to lie down. Do you still want that?" Cam asked, slowly reaching out for John. John shook his head and pulled further away from Cam. The message was clear: don't touch me. Cam pulled his hand back. "Do you want me to call your mom?"

His husband shook his head. "No, I just… I don't know."

"Should I stay?" Cam asked quietly. "I can send Daniel in…"

"Stay," John whispered. "Please."

"Whatever you want, John." Cam promised.

"I just…" John inhaled shakily and Cam wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around John and make everything go away for the other man. "A hug." He said quietly. So quietly that Cam almost missed it. "Please."

Cam stood as slowly as he could and made his way around the bed to John. He reached out and wrapped his arms around John. He told himself to ignore the flinch that had run through his husband. Cam stood there for several long minutes and then slowly, so slowly, John's arms came up around Cam. Cam could feel John's hands gripping the back of his shirt.

"I love you, John."

"Thank you," John whispered. "My Cameron."

Cam's breath caught. "Yes. Your Cameron."

---

"John?"

John blinked and shook his head, readjusting his grip on the phone. He was in his office at the Mountain. "Yeah, Mom. Sorry."

"Is everything alright, honey?"

"Yeah, I just zoned for a second. What were you saying?" He pinched the bridge of his nose in a weak attempt to fight off the headache that had started plaguing him about an hour ago.

"Luke and his partner are getting married, John. They want to invite you but aren't sure how you would take it," She said gently.

John froze. Luke was the middle Mason brother. The one John had always avoided. He swallowed, "I… When?"

"Three months, dear."

"Where?"

"California. They live in Palo Alto. You know that Jason works at Google, right? That's in Mountain View, right next door to Palo Alto."

Jason was the partner. "I think you mentioned he worked there." John paused. "Why are they getting married now?"

"It's their twenty-fifth anniversary, John. They've never had a ceremony and decided to finally have one."

"Oh." John's mouth was dry and he found himself nodding. "Okay. Um, yeah. Put me and Cameron down."

"They'll send you an invitation in the mail, sweetheart. But I'll let them know you're coming." She paused. "This will mean a lot to them, John. You know they've always been worried about you."

"They… they barely know me."

"You're Jim's only child," She said gently. "Jim talks about you all the time and the way you've always… avoided… them in the past made them worry. They saw something in you, John."

"Saw something in me?"

"Why don't you talk to them when you fly out for the wedding? I'm sure they would love the chance to sit down with you."

John rubbed his forehead again. His head was starting to pound. "Of course."

"I'm only asking, John. You don't have to."

"No, I will, Mom." And he would because his mother had asked him to.

"Is Cameron there?"

"No, he's off-wo-base."

"Daniel?"

"He's with Cameron."

"And Rodney?" She asked.

"Rodney's here. He's probably making grown men cry somewhere." John joked lightly.

She laughed. "Give them my regards."

"I will, Mom."

"I love you, John."

"I love you, too." John whispered.

"I'll talk to you later, sweetie, okay?"

John wanted to say that it wasn't okay. That he wanted his mom to stay on the line. He bit his lip instead. "Yes, talk to you later."

He held the phone to his ear until his mom hung up. John would never hang up on her and they both knew it. Once he heard the dial tone, John hung his phone back up on its cradle and exhaled. He bet Rodney had some sort of extra strength pain pills.

---

"Rodney?"

Rodney looked up from his computer to see John hovering in the doorway, sunglasses perched on his nose. He looked terrible.

"Are you okay? Should you be sitting? You look like you're going to fall over." Rodney huffed and stood, pulling John further into the room. "Mitchell's only been gone for two days and you're already falling apart. Are you dying? Oh my god, you're dying, aren't you! This is just great! Mitchell's gonna come back and kill me for letting you die on my watch! Oh god, I knew this would hap-"

"Rodney?" John asked softly. "Just dial it down a couple notches, please. I have a killer headache."

Rodney paused. "Headache? Well why didn't you say so, Sheppard?" He rummaged through his desk and came out with a small orange bottle of pills. He shook one out into his hand and shoved it into John's hand. "Take this." John obediently swallowed the pill, dry. Rodney blinked. "You don't even want to know what it is first?"

Sheppard smiled at him. "I trust you, Rodney."

"Should you even be here?" Rodney glanced back at the work he had been doing and then looked back at John who was swaying precariously. "Let's go."

"Go?"

"We're taking the rest of the day off."

"We are?"

"Are you brain dead now, Sheppard? Keep up."

"… Sorry." John mumbled.

Rodney rolled his eyes and gently tugged on John's jacket sleeve, pulling him out of his lab and towards an elevator. "You don't have any meetings, do you? Grunts to beat up?" He paused and looked at John. "What is it you do around here?"

"On Wednesdays they let me make the meatloaf," John said with a weak smile.

"Oh you're so funny, Sheppard. You're dying and you're cracking jokes."

"It's just a headache, Rodney."

"That's what they all say." He hit the button for the elevator.

"… Who's 'they all'?"

---

"Rodney?" Evan called loudly into Rodney's lab. It was strangely deserted. He glanced at his watch; it confirmed that it was 1700 hours. He and Rodney had tentative plans to meet in the mess hall for dinner. "Are you in here?"

"He took Colonel Sheppard home."

Evan spun around to see Radek Zelenka behind him in the hallway. "Sorry?"

"Colonel Sheppard… he was not looking well, so Rodney took him home."

"Oh." Evan crooked a smile. "Thanks, Doc."

"You are welcome. Is there something I could help you with?"

"Well, since Rodney's stood me up… any chance you'd want to grab some dinner with me?"

Zelenka smiled and pushed his glasses up. "Of course. Let me just drop these," he gestured to the books in his arms, "off at my office."

"You don't share with Rodney anymore?" Evan asked, joining the other man in the hallway.

"We share lab," Zelenka said. "But not office. Rodney has a tendency to take over available space."

Evan thought about the way Rodney would sprawl out across their bed, limbs draped over Evan's. He smiled, "Yeah. He does."

---

Cam's mom showed up unexpectedly on their doorstep six days before Valentine's Day. She had a small suitcase with her and when Cam opened the door she ignored his gaping expression, offered him a hug and then declared that she was thirsty.

Cam saw John knock over a book as he hastened into the kitchen, presumably to get his mother-in-law something to drink.

"Mom!" Cam blinked. "What a surprise."

"Yes, well, I was talking to Patty and she told me that she and Jim were here over Christmas. I waited for you to offer me a visit, but when it became apparent that-oh thank you dear," she said, accepting the glass of iced tea that John held out to her. "When it became apparent that you had no such intentions, I decided to drop by for a surprise visit." She paused. "Surprise!"

"You and Patty talk?" Cam asked, glancing at John. John shrugged his shoulders and Cam was willing to bet that his husband knew their moms talked. Cam was the last to know everything.

"Of course, dear. How else would I know what goes on in your life?"

Cam winced. "I call, Mom."

She offered him an amused look. "Of course you do, Cameron."

"Can I take your bag, Mrs. Mitchell?" John asked politely.

"Yes, thank you, John." She offered her suitcase to him and John lifted it easily, carrying it upstairs. As John disappeared from their view she remarked, "John is still rather close to his parents."

"Yeah."

"That doesn't bother you?"

"Why would it?" Cam responded, a bit defensive.

"I'm just asking, Cam."

"I like that John is close to his parents."

She eyed him. "Alright then."

"It's not weird," Cam insisted.

"Of course not, dear. Now, tell me what's been going on with you."

---

Having his mom here was different than having John's parents for a visit. For one thing Cam's mom had no idea about any of John's past. She didn't understand why John was so quiet, so contained, so dedicated to Cam and Rodney and Daniel. She didn't understand why John did their laundry and vacuumed their rooms and cooked their meals. Cam was pretty sure his mom thought John was some kind of glorified housewife to all three of them.

The biggest difference, though, was whereas Patty calmed John down and made him smile, Cam's mom kept him on edge and all of John's smiles were forced. Cam knew that John tried hard to get Wendy to like him. He would grill Cam about her favorite food, what books she read, movies she liked-then he learned to cook her favorite meals, just in case, read her favorite books, and watched her favorite movies. John wanted to have something to talk to Wendy about, something that Cam's mom could see as common ground. Cam was pretty sure that he didn't know any of those things about Patty, but then again, he didn't really need to.

It was day four of his mom's visit and Cam honestly wasn't sure if she had any intentions of going home any time soon. It was going to be a problem really soon, since both he and John were scheduled to be off-world in a few days. Their house would be empty, and Cam's team, at least, would be spending the night off-world.

Cam poked his head into John and Daniel's office where both men were currently working. After Patty's last visit they had put a futon in there that could be pulled out into a bed or folded into a couch. Cam loved to lounge on it and watch John work. Both sides of the office had large white-boards full of scribbles, but it was easy to tell the two sides apart-Daniel's was filled with words and translations, while John's had numbers and symbols on it which Cam didn't understand at all.

Cam's mom was out shopping, for what he wasn't sure, so they had the house to themselves.

John looked up when he caught sight of Cam and the small smile that graced his face told Cam that it was okay to enter. He quietly made his way over to his husband, trying not to disturb Daniel who looked deep in concentration. Cam bent down and gave John a quick kiss on the lips which, as usual, simultaneously left him wanting more while constantly amazing him that he was allowed to kiss John at all.

"Whatcha workin' on?" Cam whispered, crouching down next to John's chair.

"Lecture for next month," John answered quietly. "On number theory."

"My mom's out for a few hours-want to go lie down?" Cam desperately hoped John would say yes. His husband had gotten little to no sleep since Wendy had been staying in Cam's room (and Cam was exiled to the futon). Daniel had told him that John was afraid he would have nightmares and wake Cam's mom up.

"Yes," John replied, without hesitation. He stood up and offered a hand down to Cam, pulling him up too. Daniel glanced their way and then nodded before going back to his work. John held his hand and led him out of the office and up the stairs to his room.

John toed off his shoes and Cam followed suit. John glanced nervously at him before pulling off his t-shirt and unzipping his pants. Cam hesitated but John gave him a small nod and a tight smile, so Cam stripped down to his boxers, too. His husband had pulled back the blankets and Cam slid in knowing that John would be on the side closest to the door, which wasn't fully closed.

John carefully settled in next to him and then turned on his side to face the door. He looked over his shoulder at Cam and reached back for one of Cam's arms. Cam slowly spooned up against John's back and let his arm rest over John's waist, settling his hand high on John's chest. He kissed the back of John's neck and it was mere seconds before John was sleeping, exhausted as he was.

Cam stared at the back of John's neck. They would only get a few hours together before his mom came home, but he wasn't going to fall asleep. No, Cam was going to relish this, the trust John was giving him-falling asleep in his presence, stripped down to his boxers. This was something John had never let happen before and Cam was humbled that John was offering it to him now.

"I love you, John." He whispered, even though John couldn't hear him. His husband shifted a little but didn't otherwise stir and Cam just continued to hold him close.

---

"What are you doing?"

John jumped a little and spun around to see Cameron standing at the top of the stairs to the attic, an amused expression on his face. It was pretty obvious what John had been doing, what with the measuring tape in his hands and it stretching across the room, so he didn't answer. Eventually Cameron would learn not to ask questions he already knew the answer to. He went back to recording the length of the room.

Two hands settled on his shoulder and John only flinched a little as Cameron peered down at his notebook. "Should I have asked why you are measuring the library?"

"Yes."

He heard Cameron sigh and John hid a smile. "Why are you measuring the library?"

"We need a guest room. You can't just keep sleeping on the couch. So I talked to Daniel and we're going to move the books over to that half of the room," he pointed to the left. "And then we'll put a half wall up in the middle and turn the other half of it into a guest room."

"When are you going to do this?" Cameron asked.

John shrugged. "Next weekend, after we get back. I volunteered my team to help."

"I'm sure they appreciated that."

"Of course."

Cameron sighed again and kissed John's neck before he slowly wrapped his arms around his husband's waist. "I'm sorry my mom is still here." It had been five days. Tomorrow was Valentine's Day and the day after that they were both gating off-world. "I've tried asking her when she is leaving, but she isn't really listening."

"She doesn't like me," John murmured.

"That's not true, John." Cameron denied.

"It is."

Cameron hugged him tighter. "I think she's still hoping I'll find some nice girl to settle down with."

John frowned, "She disapproves of you dating men?"

"Hey, I'm not dating men-I'm married to one. And she's never really said she was against it, but I knew she was. She wanted grandkids and a daughter."

"I… I'm not… with the… kids… I… I can't," John whispered.

"Hey," Cameron said, in a soothing voice. He gently rubbed his hand over John's stomach. "I have no need for kids, either. I figure I've got McKay here; he's kinda like a kid, so we don't need any more."

"You're sure?" John asked softly.

"I'm sure. I mean, look at our jobs, John. There's no guarantee with any of it. Hell, Jackson's already died numerous times. There's no way we could bring a kid into that. And I know you aren't comfortable with them, I'd never ask that of you-ever."

John turned his head and planted a sloppy kiss on the corner of Cameron's mouth. He raised a hand to gently cup Cameron's cheek. "Would this be a good time to mention that Mandy wants to come for a visit when school lets out?"

"Your cousin?"

"Yeah."

"Well, we'd better have the guest room finished by then," Cameron said with a smile.

---

After a lovely Valentine's Day dinner, John was lying next to Cameron on top of the sheets in the other man's bed. John was on his back and Cameron was on his side facing John, carding his fingers through John's short hair. They were both in just their boxers.

"Where's your mom?"

"She went to a hotel for the night."

John gave him an incredulous look. "What?"

Cameron blushed lightly. "She, uh, said that she thought we might like a little privacy tonight."

John's face flushed as he processed what his husband was saying. "Did you tell her that wasn't necessary?"

"Of course," Cameron answered. "But she said that she might be old, but she knew what couples do on Valentine's day."

"Hmm." John closed his eyes as Cameron's fingers gently moved against his scalp. "Cameron?"

"Yeah?"

"I want…" John's eyes fluttered open and locked onto his husband's baby blues. "You said… a while ago you offered to…" John exhaled and wondered where all of his courage had gone. So he changed tactics and reached for the hand in his hair, tugging Cameron's body halfway on top of his. John immediately felt trapped and Cameron's skin was scorching his own, but John didn't stop. He reached up and pulled Cameron's mouth down onto his. The other man hesitated for a second but then melted into the kiss.

John trailed his fingers down Cameron's back and felt his husband shiver. Cameron made a noise of contentment in the back of his throat, so John figured that he must be doing something right. John opened his mouth a little and Cameron's eyes met his with a question. They stared at each other for a long moment before the other man decided it might be alright. So Cameron's tongue slowly slid into John's mouth and John was fervently begging his body to behave and understand that this was Cameron.

He could already feel himself tensing up, and Cameron was starting to pull back but John wanted… he hooked his thumbs into the side of Cameron's boxers and immediately his husband pulled back and rolled off him.

John blinked furiously at the ceiling. "Please, Cameron."

Cameron let out a shaky breath. "You don't have to ask, John. You never have to ask. And you don't have to distract me, either."

His husband sounded a little affronted and John bit his lip. "I'm sorry."

Cameron looked at him, a serious expression on his face. "Was this what you were trying to ask for?"

"Yes," John answered honestly, avoiding his eyes.

"Me naked? Or something else?"

"I…" John couldn't make the words come out of his mouth. He exhaled in frustration and then sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. Part of him still wanted to run, the part that knew that Cameron would let him. But part of him wanted to stay. Too bad the part that wanted to run always won.

Daniel chose that moment to poke his head into the room. John wasn't sure what he saw, but he was sure that their disheveled state wasn't helping. "Is everything alright?"

John nodded, because they all knew that Daniel was really asking him. "Yes, thanks. Can you shut the door, please?"

Daniel studied him for a moment before nodding. He looked past John to Cameron and gave the other man a stern look, but obediently shut the door, leaving them alone.

A warm hand settled on his back, taking him by surprise and John jumped, but held onto the blanket so he wouldn't leave the bed. "John," Cameron said gently. The bed shifted and John heard a quiet rustling sound. "John," Cameron repeated. "I'm kinda naked over here, but I've gotta warn you; I'm also a little bit hard."

John nodded, still facing away from his husband. "I'm sorry I tried to…"

"… distract me with making out, so you could get me in my birthday suit?" Cameron asked with a touch of humor.

"Um, yeah. That."

Cameron laughed. "John I'm only worried about you. I don't want you doing things you're not ready for just to see me naked. Trust me-it's not that good a view."

John let out a small laugh. "I'm sure it is."

"Teal'c never seems particularly impressed."

"Teal'c is hung like a horse," John commented.

"You've seen the big man naked?" Cameron asked, surprised.

"I've heard rumors."

Cameron made a noise of understanding. "So… I'm going to guess by the way you're stalling that me naked wasn't actually your final goal."

"I want to look at you," John whispered.

Cameron's voice was kind when he said, "Then you've kinda gotta turn around, John."

"And you said… you said I could touch you."

"To your heart's content," His husband promised.

"Part of me wants to run, Cameron." John whispered. "I don't know if I'm strong enough to stay."

There was a long pause before Cameron said softly, "I'm scared you'll turn around and then run, John. I'm scared you'll never try this again. I'm scared of scaring you, of making you feel weak. But I've never been strong enough to tell you 'no'."

"I've never seen anyone else naked before," John admitted.

"You saw me."

"I don't really remember that too much."

"What about in the locker rooms? The barracks?"

"It's really not that hard to change with your eyes closed."

Cameron let out a short laugh. "Well, if I wasn't nervous before… I'm pretty nervous now."

"Are you still lying down?"

"Yeah."

"Are you…?"

Cameron paused. "Hand me that lotion."

John reached towards the bedside table and grabbed the small bottle of lotion there. He passed it back to Cameron without turning his head. He heard the lid pop open and air rush out as Cameron squeezed some of the liquid out. A second later the bottle landed by John's hip and John replaced it on the bedside table.

"You know, this is pretty kinky." Cameron said lightly.

"Are you okay with me being here?" John asked softly.

"As long as you're okay with knowing that I'm totally picturing you from about ten minutes ago."

John flushed. "When we were making out?"

"Oh yeah," Cameron said softly. "That was really hot."

It was silent again and John could hear the little noises that Cameron was making, from the hand he was using to stroke himself, to his shallow breathing.

"Will you close your eyes?" John whispered.

"Yeah," Cameron answered. "I can do that."

John slowly turned around to see Cameron's eyes squeezed tight. He focused on his husband's face and then slowly moved his eyes lower. Cameron's chest was moving up and down in quick succession. And then John saw him. And suddenly he was twelve again and his head was being forced down, down, down and John couldn't breathe and his mouth was too small and nothing fit.

You're a good boy, John.

So smart.

"Cameron," John choked out. "Please, stop."

And Cameron did. Immediately. He pulled a blanket over his lap and didn't make any move towards John. "John…"

John shook his head. "Daniel," He choked out. "Please get Daniel."

"Jackson!" Cameron called loudly.

John heard footsteps running in the hallway and then the door opened. John turned his head to meet his friend's gaze. Daniel rushed forward and collected John from the bed. "Bathroom," John whispered.

Together they stumbled across the hall to John's room, leaving Cameron behind. Daniel eased him down onto his knees and John barely made it to the toilet before heaving. Daniel rubbed his back and John felt like crying, except that he was too busy losing his dinner.

And then it didn't matter and John was sobbing while holding himself up over the toilet. This was his life and he couldn't do a single fucking thing about it. John hated being like this. He hated his body and he hated everyone who had ever taken advantage of him. He hated his father and his mother. He hated everyone else because they could keep on going, but John was stuck. He'd been stuck for so long and John was so tired.

A hand gently turned his head and wiped a warm washcloth across his face. John took the glass being offered to him and swished water around his mouth before spitting it out into the toilet and flushing.

He found Daniel's face through his tears and Daniel looked so sad. And John hated that he'd done that to his friend. Daniel, who was normally such a happy person, looked like someone had just kicked his puppy.

"I'm sorry," John sobbed. "I'm such a fuck-up, Daniel."

"John…"

"Why is he still with me?" John blurted. "Why does Cameron stay? I can't give him anything. He's such a great guy and I'm so messed up."

"He loves you, John." Daniel said gently. "We all do."

"Love has never been enough before!" John exclaimed with a sob. "My mother loved my father and he still beat her black and blue every night! I loved him, Daniel, and he still beat me."

Daniel pulled him into his arms, burying John's face in his chest. "I know, John. I know."

"Why?" John sobbed again. "Why won't he leave? He could be so much happier with someone else-someone who isn't like me, someone better."

"There's no one better, John." Cameron said from somewhere behind him. And then John felt another hand join Daniel's on his back. "You make me happier than I've ever been in my life by just being you. I'm not going to be happier with someone else. If you… if you want me to leave, I will. But you need to know, John Mason, that you're it for me. If I leave you, there won't be anyone else. I'll stay alone, John. Because I married you. I said forever and I meant it. It's you or no one."

And then John was smoothly passed from Daniel to Cameron, but John still felt Daniel's hands holding him, ready to protect him, if need be, from Cameron. John pressed his face into Cameron's chest and took a few deep breaths, trying to stop crying. Cameron rocked him gently and John clutched the shirt that his now fully clothed husband was wearing.

"I… he never fit," John whispered. "In my mouth." He felt Cameron and Daniel both freeze at his words. "I tried, but I just couldn't get my mouth to open wider. I couldn't breathe. He would say I was such a good boy and pet my hair. He was so nice to me. He asked about my schoolwork and my day, and no one had ever done that before. He knew that my father would beat me. He told me if I were better then I wouldn't get hit-that it was my fault. I remember the day I could finally fit him. It hurt and he was really big, but I was so happy and he was so proud. He told me I was his favorite student and that I was so good."

John heard a choking noise and when he looked up, Cameron was crying and so was Daniel. Cameron's body began to shake underneath him and he held John even closer.

John closed his eyes. "Sometimes I would go to his house and he would want to me to do things. He would… he liked to watch me and-and touch himself." John felt tears slide down his face. "I'm so sorry, Cameron," He whispered. "I know you're nothing like he was-I'm sorry I thought of him while I was looking at you."

"Jesus, John," Cameron swore. "Don't ever apologize. Not ever."

"I went to him, but I run from you," John choked out. "I'm so messed up."

"He abused you, John." Daniel said quietly. "He hurt you in ways that no one should ever be hurt. He twisted your feelings for him and used them against you. None of that is your fault."

"John…" Cameron said shakily. "Do you know what happened to him?"

"No," John whispered.

"A name, John." Cameron said more firmly. "Give me his name."

"I… Cameron…"

"You can tell me or I can have McKay hack into your records."

There was a long stretch of silence before John whispered, "Walson. Timothy Walson."

And John knew with certainty that if Mr. Walson was still alive, he would wish he wasn't.

Cameron kissed John's forehead. "Thank you."

John nodded. "Do you think Rodney would come home?"

"Yes," Daniel said with surety. "Do you want me to call him?"

"Yes, please."

"Okay." And then Daniel leaned over and pressed his lips to John's forehead. He held them there for a second and John felt only love from his best friend. Then the archeologist got up and left him alone with Cameron.

"Would you really never marry again?" John asked softly.

"Yes," Cameron answered fiercely.

"I wouldn't want you to," John admitted. "I don't want you to leave. I'm sorry I freaked out and ruined our evening."

Cameron pressed another kiss to his forehead. "Are you going to be okay to go off-world tomorrow?"

"Are you?" John returned.

"I'm not sure." He paused. "John?"

"Yeah?"

"I really need to stand up and give you a real hug."

John nodded. "Yeah, okay."

So they stood up together and Cameron immediately pulled John to him, squeezing him tightly with his arms. "No one is ever going to touch you again, John. I won't let anyone hurt you."

John blinked back a tear. "Promise?"

"On my life."

---

When Rodney's phone rang for the fifth time in two minutes, Rodney stopped glaring in its direction and started to worry. He gently pushed at Evan's head and the other man let Rodney's erection fall out of his mouth and looked at him curiously.

"My phone," Rodney said, gesturing towards the device. "I need to answer it."

Evan held him down. "You promised, Mer. No phone, no computer, no work in bed."

"It's not work," Rodney told him. "I really need to answer it." He pushed Evan off him and padded across the floor naked. His phone was ringing again when he answered it. "McKay."

"You need to come home," Jackson said without preamble. "John's having a really bad night and he asked for you."

Rodney was already looking around the room for his pants. "What happened?" He held his phone between his ear and his shoulder as he started to get dressed.

"From what I can tell he asked Mitchell to… this is kind of personal, Rodney."

"Tell me anyways," Rodney demanded, slipping on a shoe.

Jackson sighed. "I think he asked Mitchell to jerk off in front of him and he had a flashback. He… after losing his dinner, he broke down in the bathroom." Rodney heard his breath shudder and Jackson sniffed and it soon became clear that the other man was crying. "John told us about the time when he was twelve. It… it was horrible."

Rodney snapped his fingers towards Evan and pointed to his shirt lying near the other man. "I'm on my way. I'll be there as soon as possible."

"Thank you."

Rodney hung up and Evan tossed him his shirt. "I've, uh, gotta go," Rodney said, poking his arms through the armholes. "Sorry about…" He gestured towards Evan's naked form.

"Is everything alright?"

"Yeah, just… some stuff."

Evan leaned over and gave him a kiss. "Call me before you go to bed."

Rodney shook his head. "I probably won't be tonight."

"You won't be going to bed?" Evan asked with a frown.

"Yeah. Look, I really have to go. I'll talk to you tomorrow, okay?" Rodney asked, already heading for the door.

"I'm going off-world tomorrow!" Evan called after him.

"I'll find you in the morning!" Rodney called back and then hurried out the door towards his car. It was going to be a long night, Rodney just knew it.

---

When he arrived, everything seemed pretty normal. It was half past midnight and Sheppard was puttering around in the kitchen with Mitchell watching him. Daniel was at the kitchen table on his laptop, but Rodney caught the looks he send Sheppard's way every few seconds.

When John caught sight of him, he flashed Rodney a small smile and started piling food onto a plate. Rodney wasn't particularly hungry, but sat down anyway and waited for John to bring it over. He thought he should probably take a shower. One-he smelled like sex, and two-John had that look on his face, the one that promised Rodney would get some kind of hug b

efore the night was out.

As John set down the plate in front of him, he seemed oddly hesitant. Rodney looked up from the chicken salad and strawberries to look at his friend.

"I'm sorry I pulled you away from Lorne," John said quietly.

Rodney waved away the apology. "We spend too much time together anyways."

"You don't… I mean, if you're with him, you don't have to come home."

Rodney reached out and gently touched John's hand. "Yes. I do."

John took a step backwards and Mitchell caught him around the waist, a look of vulnerability flashed across his face. Before meeting John Sheppard, Rodney hadn't known actual hatred. Since then, Rodney had experienced every negative emotion known to mankind.

Rodney hadn't had a lot of real friends before John. Okay, so Rodney hadn't really had any friends before John. From what he'd heard, men who were friends would gather around a barbeque pit, drink beer, and talk about women. Well, he and John had never done that and, Rodney suspected, they never would.

Sheppard and Jackson were too… broken. No one ever really talked about it but Jackson didn't date. He had never gotten over losing his wife and there was a picture of them on the mantle over the fireplace right next to a picture of Sheppard and Mitchell, and more recently a picture of Rodney and Evan, which Rodney still wasn't sure where that had come from.

So later that night, when Rodney was leaning against Sheppard's headboard, laptop resting on his thighs, while Mitchell was sitting up next to him with John squished between them, head resting on Mitchell's lap, he wondered if other guy friends did this. Daniel was in a chair near the foot of the bed, his legs stretched out onto the end of the mattress, and Rodney could tell that John's feet were underneath his under the sheets.

Evan's friends certainly never did this. When Markham and Stackhouse were over there was beer and steak and action movies full of incorrect physics. There weren't hugs and quiet moments and baking and a sharing of beds. Rodney thought he preferred this, though. With Sheppard came the promise of a friend who would do anything for him, a promise of unconditional love. That was something else Rodney had never known.

No one in the room was sleeping, although Rodney was secretly hoping that Sheppard would get some rest. He looked kind of terrible in the way that he had back when he and Mitchell were still in therapy.

"Rodney?" Sheppard asked softly, facing away from him.

"Hmm?" Rodney answered, distracted. He was looking through something new that Carter had sent him and trying to search the net for a birthday present for Evan.

"What are you working on?"

"Some stuff for the Daedalus."

"And?"

Rodney blinked. "And trying to find Evan a goddamned birthday present. The man is impossible to shop for."

"Did he tell you we're taking him out on his birthday?"

"Who's 'we'?"

"The team," Sheppard answered. "You're invited."

"Please," Rodney scoffed. "Like I want to hang out with a bunch of military monkeys all night."

Mitchell coughed. "Gee thanks, McKay."

"No problem, Mitchell."

"He wants an iPhone." John said.

"What?" Rodney asked.

"Lorne. His phone keeps dying and he's been eyeing Stackhouse's iPhone."

"Oh." Rodney wondered if this was the kind of thing you should know about your boyfriend.

"We're all chipping in to get him a digital camera. He keeps trying to take pictures of stuff with his phone and then it never comes out."

"We… the team?"

"And Cameron, even though he doesn't know it, yet," John said lightly.

"And me," Jackson added.

"Geez," Rodney grumbled. "You're going to make me look bad, Sheppard."

John laughed lightly. "I'll try not to, Rodney."

"Promises, promises."

---

Cam's mom left twelve days after she had arrived, and by then John had finished the newly renovated attic with the help of both their teams. On day ten, Cam had cornered his mom and politely but firmly suggested it was time for her to leave. John hadn't been getting any sleep and Cam suspected that his husband never would have had such a huge breakdown last week, if he hadn't already been worn out from not sleeping.

After dropping her off at the airport, Cam decided to take John out for ice cream.

"Is this becoming some sort of chick tradition?" John asked as they pulled into the parking lot of Baskin Robbins.

"I'm all man, thank you very much." Cam said as he unbuckled. They got out of the car and John reached for the door, holding it open for Cam. Cam beamed as he stepped into the empty parlor. He couldn't help the bounce in his step as he walked over to check out the ice cream flavors. "There's so many to choose from!"

John came up behind him and wrapped his arms loosely around Cam's waist. "You're scaring the worker with your enthusiasm."

"You like my enthusiasm," Cam said with a grin.

John leaned in and gave him a quick peck on the cheek before retracting his arms. "I like pretty much everything about you."

Cam felt happiness surge through his body. "I love you."

John smiled the smile that he had just for Cam. "I love you, too."

"What are you getting?" Cam asked.

His husband shrugged. "Vanilla and strawberry."

"You got that last time."

"And I liked it last time."

"Hmm." Cam walked alongside the freezers, reading the name of each flavor. It was slightly annoying how many things had chocolate. Cam had all but given it up after John's admission many months ago, even though John said he wasn't bothered by Cam eating it.

"Hi! Welcome to Baskin Robbins!" A sugary sweet voice said as a young lady walked over to them. "Have you gentlemen decided what you want?"

"I'll take a scoop of vanilla and a scoop of strawberry, please." John said politely. He turned, "Cameron?"

"Two scoops of Cherries Jubilee, please."

The employee smiled. "Coming right up."

John moved to the register and Cam came up behind him and stopped John from reaching for his wallet. "I've got it, John."

An unknown emotion flashed in John's eyes but the other man simply nodded and let Cam pull out his wallet. It took less than a minute for the employee to arrive with their ice cream and for Cam to pay. Soon they were sitting at a small table near the window.

John started on his ice cream without looking at Cam and he was unusually quiet as he ate his dessert. Cam pushed a foot gently under the table to touch John's. John jumped a little but didn't pull his leg back.

"John?" Cam asked softly. "Is everything alright?"

John looked up at him and smiled-a fake one this time. "Yes, of course."

And just like that Cam knew that John was lying. "If you want to talk…"

"Everything's fine, Cameron." John said in a falsely upbeat voice. "How's your ice cream?"

"It's good. Do you want to try some?" He asked, tipping the cup towards John.

The other man shook his head. "No, thank you."

"Don't like cherries?" Cam asked in surprise.

"Not really."

John went back to his own ice cream and Cam frowned.

---

"Okay, so what's wrong with John?"

Daniel looked up in his office to see Mitchell hovering in his doorway. He pushed his glasses up. "Isn't he your husband? Why are you asking me?"

"Please," Mitchell scoffed. "John tells you everything and he's been giving me the cold shoulder for three days!"

"Maybe you should be talking to him about this."

"I've tried! He keeps saying nothing's wrong. But I know him-there's something wrong."

Daniel sighed. "He really hasn't said anything to me."

"But…"

He gestured Cam in and told him to shut the door. "Tell me when this started."

Mitchell leaned against Daniel's desk and shrugged. "When we went out for ice cream. John seemed in a pretty good mood before then, but after we got the ice cream he just seemed… moody."

"Moody." Daniel said flatly. "Look, Mitchell I think you should really be talking about this with John."

"He won't talk to me about it! And it's not like I can corner him and make him talk. You've read the books, Jackson-that's a big no-no."

"Yeah," Daniel agreed. "I wouldn't go that route."

"Then what should I do?"

"You could always hide his frying pans."

Mitchell snorted. "That's so fourth grade."

---

"Give me back my sauté pan," John demanded.

"Not until you tell me what's wrong."

"And my paella pan."

"Not until you tell me what's wrong."

"And my saucepan and my frying pan and my griddle! Jesus fuck, Cameron! You didn't leave me anything to cook with."

"I tried everything else to get you to talk."

John crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back against the counter. "Rodney is expecting dinner."

"McKay can wait," Cam dismissed.

"And Daniel skipped lunch."

"He can wait, too."

"Cameron!" John said, exasperated. "Nothing's wrong! Will you stop this? Give me back my cookware."

"No."

"Cameron."

"No."

"You're being completely childish."

"And you're being unreasonable."

"Unreasonable?" John yelled. "What's so goddamned unreasonable about not wanting to share every thought that passes through my head?"

"It's not about that!" Cam yelled back. "It's about you being upset with me and not even respecting me enough to tell me why!"

"I'm not upset!"

"Well! Could have fooled me!" Cam responded.

"Not everything is about you, Cameron." John said darkly.

"Then why won't you tell me?"

"I'm not ready to talk about it! Why can't you respect that?"

"Because if it's something I'm doing that's hurting you, I want to change it!"

"No you don't!"

"Yes, I do!"

"You say you do, but-"

"Hey, hey!" Daniel said, running into the room and stepping in between them, but no one was between John and the exit. "What is going on here?"

Both John and Cam turned to look at him. "Nothing!" They yelled together.

Daniel held both hands in up surrender. "I'm on your side. Both of your sides." He paused and looked at both of them. "Does someone want to tell me what's going on here?"

"Cameron stole all my cookware."

Daniel looked at him and Cam offered a sheepish grin. "I took your advice."

"You told him to do this?" John asked, his tone was steely and Cam would not want to be on the receiving end of his glare. Except that he kind of already was.

"I was joking!" Daniel exclaimed. "I didn't think he'd actually do it."

John glared at both of them and then moved past Cam without touching him. He grabbed his keys by the front door and yanked his jacket off the hook.

"Where are you going?" Cam asked, worried.

"Out."

"John-" Whatever else he was going to say was cut off by the front door closing, with his husband on the other side. Cam sat down at the dining room table heavily. He sighed and glanced despondently at the front door, begging it to open. It remained resolutely shut.

"I would say that did not go well," Daniel offered.

"Yeah, no kidding."

---

When the phone rang, Cam lunged for it. Or more precisely, he flipped it open with exuberance since he'd been staring at the damn thing for the past three hours. "John?"

"Colonel Mitchell?" A voice asked warily.

Cam closed his eyes and sighed. "Yeah."

"Um, sir…"

"Who is this?"

"Airman Silas, sir. I, uh, Colonel Sheppard's here, sir and he's been in the gym for a couple of hours now. A few of us have tried to talk to him but… he's been at the punching bag, sir and his hands are bleeding. He won't let anyone close enough to look at them. Dr. Beckett is here and wants to call General Landry, but we thought we should call you first, sir."

Cam was up and across the room, flying down the stairs before the Airman finished talking. "Who's Dr. Beckett?"

"He's new, sir. Scottish."

"I can be there in fifteen minutes," Cam said. "Let's keep General Landry out of this for now."

"Yes, sir." The Airman said, relieved. "What should we do?"

"Just wait there. I'm on my way."

"Yes, sir."

There were five men and one doctor standing guard outside of the gym when Cam arrived. He dismissed them and all but the doctor left.

"The laddie'll need his hands wrapped."

Cam just nodded. He opened the door, stepped inside, and then closed it shut behind him. Half the room was in darkness. John was in the lit half, going at the punching bag like a man possessed. There was blood all over his hands and Cam winced. It was the first time military John had responded to something that was happening to Cam's John. He wondered if that meant anything.

"John?" Cam called tentatively.

"Not now, Cameron." His husband replied tersely.

"Please, John, your hands… they're bleeding."

"I've had worse."

Cam slowly walked closer to the other man. "Please, John."

"I need to do this."

"For me?" Cam asked softly. There was hesitation in John's movements and his hands slowed. Cam took a few more steps until he was about an arm's length away. "For me, John. Please."

John ceased his movements and turned to look at Cam. He looked so devastated, so sad. "Cameron, don't be mad."

"I'm not, John." Cam swallowed. "I promise."

"I'm just so tired," John breathed. He wouldn't meet Cam's eyes. "It's so hard to keep going, Cameron."

"John." Cam's voice shook.

"I just… every day it gets harder and harder. When I look in the mirror every morning, I don't see what you see, Cameron. I hate what I see. And then you come in and you kiss me and you look at me like-like I'm a goddamned prince or something. And I want to be that for you, but I'm so fucking damaged. You were right-I was upset with you. It's so stupid." John shook his head. "It's so trivial, Cameron. I don't know why I got so mad, I don't know why I wouldn't tell you. I just…" John's shoulders sagged and Cam stepped forward and caught John and they both sank to the ground in a pile of limbs. "I'm so tired. I used to think there would be some magic cure. That some day I would wake up and it would all be behind me, it would all be over, I'd be able to move on. But I've been waiting years, decades even, and it only gets worse."

"John," Cam choked out, holding the other man close to him. Blood smeared on their clothes but Cam didn't care. He only cared about the man in his arms, falling apart.

"I can't make it stop, Cameron." John whispered. "I love you. God, I love you, but I'm afraid of bringing you down with me. I don't want you to live like I live."

"John… John, what are you saying?" Cam asked desperately.

"I don't know. I don't know," John anguished. "Before you it was so much easier. I only had to worry about myself. But now I worry about what I do to you, I worry about making you happy, I worry that you're giving up too much to be with me."

"I have those same worries about you, John." Cam said quietly. "I worry that just by being with you, I make you doubt yourself, hate yourself… I worry that I make you think about things you never want to think about. I worry that you were happier before you met me. I keep saying I love you, John but if that means nothing to you… if they're just words… then know this… I cherish you, John James Mason. I remember all two hundred, seventy-eight smiles that you've given me. I wake up every morning and think I'm the luckiest man alive because you let me kiss you good morning, because you let me hold your hand, because you let me in."

"Cameron…" John breathed.

"I'll never know how hard every day is for you, John. I want to know, I want to know every single thing about you, but I can understand why you don't tell me. I… I got mad because there was something that I was doing that was adding to your pain and that hurts me. I want to make as many things right for you as I can, John."

There was a really long silence and all Cam could hear was John's ragged breathing and the sound of his own heartbeat.

"You want to know what would make me happier?" John asked softly.

"Yes," He replied instantly.

John let out a short laugh. "This is going to seem really stupid after everything…" Cam made a small noise of disagreement. "… but I want us to have a joint checking account."

Cam blinked. "Done."

"Really?"

"Yes, really."

"You were so against it last year."

"I was stupider last year. Living with three geniuses has rubbed off on me."

"Only I'm allowed to rub off on you."

Cam blinked and his jaw fell open. "Did you just make a joke?"

"I have been known to do that on occasion," John said.

"Hmm." Cam hummed skeptically. "There's a doctor outside who wants to look at your hands."

"Not yet," John said softly. Over the course of their conversation, Cam had moved back to sit up against the wall and John was nestled in between his thighs, his back to Cam's chest.

"Whenever you're ready."

They heard a knock on the door before a voice called out. "Colonel Mitchell? Colonel Sheppard? Is everything alright in there, lads?"

Cam laughed lightly. "Or maybe not." He paused. "Can he come in, John?"

"Just him," John whispered.

"Everything's fine! You can come in!"

The door opened and a body was backlit by the hallway light. He shut the door softly, much as Cam had done, and then walked quietly across the gym to where they were seated. Now that Cam could get a better look at the man, he could admit that he was quite handsome. He was sturdily built, with a warm smile and kind eyes. There was a bag in his hand and he wasted no time in kneeling in front of them.

John eyed the doctor warily and Cam rubbed a hand gently over his stomach. "This is Dr. Bracket…?"

"Beckett," The other man corrected. "Carson Beckett."

"He's from Scotland," Cam whispered into John's ear.

"Ever been there?" Beckett asked. He was examining John's hands but made no move to touch them.

"Nope," Cam answered.

"I have," John said quietly. "I went to a math conference in Glasgow."

"Did you like it?" Beckett asked softly.

"Yeah." Cam could hear the smile in his husband's voice. "It was really quiet, peaceful."

"Aye, lad," Beckett smiled. "That it is." He looked past John to Cam and Cam could see him asking permission to touch John. Cam flickered his eyes to the back of John's head, conveying that the doctor would have to ask John. "Might I be able to examine your fingers, Colonel Sheppard?"

"John," Cam's husband answered tiredly. "Call me John."

"John then," Beckett acknowledged.

Cam waited for a beat and then John slowly held his hands out to the foreign doctor. Beckett took them carefully into his own hands and started to wipe them down with care.

"So Silas said you were new…?" Cam said, trying to distract John.

"Aye, that I am. My specialty is genetics. I was brought in to explore the connection General O'Neill has with Ancient devices."

"Connection?" Cam asked.

"Yes, he has a specific gene in his makeup that allows him to use Ancient technology, but as of right now he's been the only one we found who can do that. And as General O'Neill is a very busy man, we're hoping to be able to synthesize his gene and give it to others so that more people can utilize the Ancient equipment."

"When did you start?"

Becket pulled out some rubbing alcohol and Cam felt John flinch just a little as the doctor applied it to his wounds. "Officially, I start Monday, but I was here for a tour and to get my office set up. I'll be working with Drs. Zelenka, Carter and McKay. I've been told they know more about Ancient technology than anyone else."

Cam smiled at him. "We'll probably be seeing a lot of each other there. Carter's on SG1 with me and we live with McKay."

Beckett looked up from John's fingers, startled. "You live with Rodney McKay?" There was sympathy and curiosity in his voice.

"McKay is one of John's best friends," Cam explained. "We live with him and Dr. Jackson in a house off-base. We'll have to have you over when John's feeling a little better. He's an excellent chef."

"Is that so?" Beckett asked John as he started to bandage up the small, still bleeding, wounds.

John shrugged. "I don't know about excellent, but I haven't had any complaints, yet."

"That constitutes excellent in my book, lad." Beckett said with a smile. He deftly taped gauze to John's fingers and then began to de-glove, cleaning up his supplies. "Well, that should do it. Might I recommend some gloves in the future, John?"

"I'll be sure to use some, Dr. Beckett."

"Carson," The doctor allowed. John nodded. "There's some swelling right now and I'm a little concerned that you might have fractured something. If I thought I could wrangle you into the infirmary, I'd send you under the x-ray machine, but as it is, I can tell you're a mite stubborn. So I'll say this-in two days if they're still swollen and hurt a lot to move, come see me and we'll see about those x-rays, sound fair?"

"I'll keep an eye on him," Cam promised.

Beckett smiled. "See that you do, Colonel Mitchell." He stood up and then looked back down at them with a sheepish expression. "Could I trouble you lads for some directions?"

Cam smiled and John stood up. Cam followed, "We'll do you one better. We're leaving, so you can follow us."

"That would be lovely, thank you."

---

About a month after Cameron's mom arrived, John flew down to southern California to give a lecture at Caltech. Cameron had wanted to come with him, but he was gating out in two days and John would still be in California then, so he'd stayed behind.

He spent three days in Pasadena and when he flew home, his husband's team was off-world and Rodney was with Lorne, which meant that John came home to an empty house. Perfect.

He'd been wanting to change some things up for a while and a quick look at his calendar let him know that Cameron wasn't scheduled to be back for another two days. A quick call to Rodney confirmed that the other man would be staying at Lorne's. ("Are you sure you don't want me to come home? Keep you company?" "Nope, I'm good. Thanks, Rodney.")

John took off work a little early on Friday and headed over to the nearest furniture store. He spent three hours there wandering around before finding a comfortable 'L' shaped couch with a matching recliner. He called Stackhouse, bribed him with dinner, and soon enough Stackhouse and Markham were both there with Stackhouse's truck and Markham's SUV and were helping John load the furniture into the vehicles. They'd be back in the morning for the new dining room table set and side tables that John had also bought.

It didn't take long for them to get everything switched out. John put the old couches into the garage and called Goodwill to have them come pick the used furniture up the following afternoon.

After a large home-cooked meal and ice cream for dessert, Markham and Stackhouse said goodnight and that they would see him in the morning.

Then John vacuumed. And dusted. And washed. And scrubbed. And cleaned until there was nothing left to clean. He changed some of the photos around, rearranged some of the furniture and by midnight he was satisfied. So he moved on to his and Daniel's office.

One of the best things about Daniel was that he understood that John liked to clean. He didn't mind when he came in and found his office rearranged or his sheets washed or his books put back. He wouldn't mind that John bought new furniture without asking, or that he got rid of the old stuff. Daniel had lived in the foster care system. He knew what it was like to have almost nothing, and so just like John, he didn't put a lot of stock into material possessions. Not like Cameron who had more stuff than John even wanted to think about. Even Rodney only really wanted whatever he needed to work.

So John cleaned their office and after washing down Daniel's chair, he decided it was too worn out and made a mental note to buy a new one.

After that John went through and wiped down the guest bathroom and then the upstairs bathroom which Cameron, Daniel, and Rodney shared. John had the master bedroom and therefore had his own. No one had ever protested the arrangement and John really thought that he had the best friends ever.

He vacuumed everyone's rooms and gathered sheets, throwing them into the washing machine.

It was almost six in the morning when he finished, and Stackhouse and Markham were due back at nine. John glanced at his bed and then dismissed the idea of taking a nap. He went downstairs and started mixing flour, yeast, and everything else he would need for cinnamon rolls. It took half an hour to get the dough ready and rolled out and then it had to rise for another twenty or so minutes and bake for thirty after that.

When his teammates pulled up at eight forty-five, John was showered, dressed, and ready to serve them breakfast. He let them in and they ate three cinnamon rolls each and finished off the carton of milk that John had in the fridge. He made another mental note to buy more.

And then they were off to the store again.

---

It was late afternoon when Cam and Daniel arrived back home. Cam fumbled with the keys and Daniel pushed him aside, shoving his own key into the lock. It had been a long four days. Well, longer for Cam than for Daniel since they had spent the time camping out at some old ruins that Daniel thought might have information on the Ori; not Cam's cup of tea, but Daniel had been pretty enthused. They did find some data, but Cam wasn't sure it was anything they could use.

"John?" He called out, not sure why, since John's car wasn't in the driveway; a sure sign his husband wasn't home.

Daniel had gone in front of him but stopped close to the entrance and Cam bumped into his back. "The hell, Jackson?" Cam grumbled.

"John's been busy."

"Huh?" It was then that Cam noticed that almost nothing was how they left it. There were new pictures on the wall, new… couches? A new dining room table and the floor seemed to glisten. "He replaced the furniture?"

Daniel shrugged and kept walking towards the kitchen. "Guess so. I'm getting food, want anything?"

"What's in there?" Cam asked, setting his bags by the door and closing it behind him.

He heard the door to the refrigerator open and headed for the kitchen. Daniel pulled out two wrapped plates, one labeled 'Cameron' and the other 'Daniel'. There were heating directions under their name, so Daniel pre-heated the oven.

"Any note about where he is?" Cam asked. He had expected John to be at the mountain when they'd gated back, but he was nowhere to be found and his phone kept going to voicemail.

Daniel glanced at the refrigerator door and pulled a piece of paper off. "Daniel and Cameron," He read aloud. "I took a half day on Monday so I probably won't be here when you get back. Carson finally found an apartment and I volunteered to help him move in. There's food for you in the fridge and if you're still hungry, there's more in the containers on the second shelf. I broke my phone yesterday and haven't gotten around to getting a new one, I'll try to pick one up tonight. If you need to get a hold of me, I've put Carson's number on the bottom. There's cheesecake in the fridge for dessert. I should be back around ten. John." Daniel handed him the note. "John added something for you at the bottom."

Cam's eyes immediately searched the paper. Cameron, I'm glad you're back. Eat your vegetables. Love, John. Cam smiled and folded the paper carefully, sliding it into his pocket.

The oven beeped and Daniel slid their plates onto the middle rack before closing the door. "It'll take about ten minutes."

"I'll get the wash started," Cam volunteered.

---

It was close to midnight when John got home. Cam had been dozing on the new super comfy couch when he heard his husband enter. "John?"

"Yeah," John answered quietly. A second later he was standing behind the couch near Cam's head. He hesitated for a second and then leaned down and gave Cam a quick kiss. "How was your mission?"

Cam rubbed his eyes and then sat up. "Not sure. Jackson got a ton of stuff but it'll take a couple days before we can determine if any of it's useful. How was your lecture?"

"Good," John said with a small smile. "I received a lot of positive comments by e-mail."

A smile stretched across Cam's face as he reached out to grab John's hand. "That's good."

"Yeah."

Cam kissed John's hand. "I like the new couch, by the way. So much nicer to sleep on."

John smiled shyly. "Cool."

"How's Carson?"

"He's good. His new place is only about five minutes from here. It looks great."

Cam had a feeling that Carson was the next SGC employee to be added to John's little collection. "Was it just the two of you?"

John bit his lip and nodded. "Yeah."

"And you were okay?"

"He… there's something different about him," John said quietly. "He doesn't make me very nervous."

Cam had to agree that the doctor had a very calming nature and the few times Cam had seen him with John he'd seemed very in tune with John's needs. "Will he be over for dinner this week?" Carson had been over at least once a week since they'd met him.

"Yeah." John hesitated. "Are you okay with him? With me hanging out with him?"

"Me?"

"Yeah."

"Of course I am."

"I just… I'd never cheat on you, Cameron."

Cam blinked. "Wow. Where did that come from?"

"Uh…" John flushed. "Carson joked that you might be worried he was trying to steal me away from you since I've been spending so much time with him."

"John, I don't care who you hang out with or for how long," Cam said seriously. "I know you love me."

John nodded. "I do."

Cam squeezed his husband's hand lightly. "Sleep with me tonight?"

"Yes."

Ten minutes later John was curled into Cam's side. The door was wide open and John was on the side closest to it.

"Are you going to sleep tonight?" Cam asked softly. He was running his hand up and down John's arm.

"I'm not sure."

"I won't be hurt if you go back to your room."

"I know."

"When do you go off-world next?"

"Next week, I think."

Cam made a noise of acknowledgement. "I think I'm falling asleep."

"It's been a long day."

"I really, really like you, John."

"I really, really like you, too."

"I really, really love you, John."

"I really, really love you, Cameron."

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

---

"Relax," Cam murmured, squeezing John's hand. They were waiting to disembark their plane at the San Jose International Airport. They were there for John's uncle's wedding and John had been extremely tense the whole way there.

"I am relaxed."

Cam shot his husband a skeptical look. "If you're relaxed then I'm Fred Astaire."

"Fred who?"

"You really need to watch more than the Discovery Channel."

"I watch-"

"-And Food Network."

John made a face. "Everything else is propaganda and subliminal messaging."

"I don't think that stuff was around when Fred Astaire was."

"When was Fred Astaire around?"

Cam shrugged. "19... 20ish till like 1980, or so."

"Edward Bernays began using propaganda and public relations in the early twentieth century, he mass manipulated-"

"-Where do you get this stuff?"

John paused. "The History Channel."

"Of course." Cam rolled his eyes. People around them began to stand and Cam took that as a sign that the doors were about to open. He stood up and grabbed his and John's bags and suits from the overhead compartment, handing John's down to him. It took another minute or so for people to start filing out. Cam waited in the aisle for John to walk in front of him before following his partner off the plane. Once they were in the terminal, Cam reached for John's hand again. John squeezed it tightly and walked close to Cam. "Your mom's picking us up, right?"

John nodded. "Should I call her?"

"Let's wait till we get past security," Cam suggested. "If we don't see her, then we can call her."

"Okay."

They headed past shops and small eateries to the public part of the terminal. When they emerged the first thing Cam saw was Patty Mason, waiting there patiently, scanning the crowd. He nudged John who broke out into a smile when he saw his mom. Cam knew the exact moment Patty spotted them because there was a similar smile on her face. John tugged Cam over and Patty gave them both a quick hug. "Your dad is circling the car around, so we need to wait outside for him. You don't have any luggage, right?"

"Nothing we checked," Cam confirmed.

Patty smiled at him. "And how are you doing, Cameron dear?"

"Just fine, ma'am," Cam said with an easy smile. "And yourself?"

"Oh, I'm doing just fine. Jason's a mess trying to get everything perfect. Luke just stands back and lets him." They arrived outside and stood on the curb. "Your dad is driving Luke's Prius, John. It's silver."

John nodded and Cam set his bag down at their feet and moved to stand behind John. He wrapped his arms around his husband's stomach and John covered one of his hands with his own. "Doing okay?" Cam whispered into John's ear.

"Yeah."

John's phone buzzed but John didn't seem to care as he just stood there. So Cam reached into the pocket of John's hoodie and pulled it out. He thumbed the message open. "Jackson wants to know if we arrived okay. I'll tell him we crashed somewhere in the Pacific and we're glad your phone is waterproof."

"I'm not sure we traveled over the Pacific," John murmured.

Cam grinned and started typing. "Should have flown into San Francisco."

"Mom said this was better."

"Oh! There's your dad, John!" Patty exclaimed.

Cam sent the message and looked up to see a silver car pulling over to the curb a few yards away from them. He reluctantly let John go and picked up his bag, following Patty to the vehicle. They threw their bags in the trunk and then climbed into the backseat while John's mom buckled into the passenger side. "Ready?" Jim asked.

John nodded while Cam answered, "Yeah. Great to see you, Jim."

Jim grinned at him in the rearview mirror. "And how's my favorite son-in-law? How was your flight?"

"I'm good, the flight was good. They don't give out peanuts anymore," Cam said. "We got these weird pretzel things instead. They were gross."

"Are you boys hungry?" Patty asked from the front. "We can stop and pick up something on the way to Luke's, or I'm sure they have food there."

John's hand wormed into Cam's. "We're fine, Mom."

Because Patty and Jim had flown out early to help with the wedding, Luke and Jason had offered them, and John, two of the guest rooms. It had been slightly awkward when John had politely declined, instead getting them two single rooms with connecting doors at the closest hotel. Cam was pretty sure that only John's parents knew they were getting two rooms.

"We won't be there long. They just want to say 'hi' to John." She turned to look at them. "And then Jason mentioned maybe going out to dinner if you two felt up to it."

"They aren't busy?" John asked quietly.

"Everything that can be finished at this point is pretty much finished. Jason is just a perfectionist, John."

"When's the rehearsal dinner?" Cam asked.

"Tomorrow night, dear. The dress code is casual, so no need to wear a suit."

John squeezed his hand again and Cam squeezed back. John was nervous about more than one thing. He'd never really been around another gay couple before, at least not for an extended period of time. There were Lorne and McKay but they were rarely demonstrative in public and even more rarely were they around John together. And from what Patty had said, there would be a lot of same-sex couples in attendance. John was skittish enough as it was with just the thought of being around Luke and Jason.

And then there was the fact that Luke and Jason wanted to talk to John tomorrow. They'd asked him and Cam out to lunch and John was too polite to say no and would talk to him anyway because his mother asked him to.

"Do you boys have any plans for your anniversary?" Patty inquired gently.

Their first wedding anniversary was next week and Cam thought that hanging out with John all day would be the perfect way to celebrate. To his surprise, John said, "There's a Ferris Wheel a couple of cities over from us that I was hoping to talk Cameron into going to."

Cam grinned, "No need to talk me into it. I'm sold."

John offered him a shy smile. "And then I'll make us some dinner."

"And I'll attempt to drag John out onto the dance floor," Cam said with a wink towards his husband.

"That sounds lovely," Patty commented warmly.

Cam slowly spun the wedding ring on John's finger around. After about twenty minutes they pulled off the freeway and shortly thereafter were driving down roads with large, obviously very expensive houses. The closer they got, though, the tenser John became.

"Are we almost there?" Cam asked softly.

"About five more minutes, why?" Jim answered.

With a glance at John, Cam asked, "Do you mind if we pull over for a few minutes?"

Neither Jim nor Patty said anything, but sure enough, Jim pulled off the road. The second the car stopped, John had opened his door and was standing outside, taking deep breaths.

Cam checked for cars before opening his own door and then walking around to his husband. He pulled John into a careful hug and John tucked his head into the space between Cam's neck and shoulder. Cam ran a hand up and down John's back in a hopefully soothing motion. "Your mom said there's some kind of famous cupcake place around here. How about we get your parents to stop there before dropping us off at the hotel? We can eat them and relax a little before dinner, yeah?"

John kissed his neck and breathed in deeply. "I want two cupcakes."

Cam smiled. "We can do that."

John inhaled slowly. "I don't know what's wrong with me. I've met them before, been around them, they're family, Cameron."

"No one thinks anything is wrong with you, John, okay? You need to get that straight. You're uncomfortable and that's allowed and it's understandable. If it ever gets to be too much, you let me know and we'll leave. I'm not going to leave your side this weekend; it'll be just you and me, you got that?"

"Yeah."

"Good. C'mere." He gently maneuvered John's head up and rested their foreheads together. "I love you and I'm proud of you for doing this, John."

John nodded and leaned in for a kiss, one that Cam was happy to return. It was soft and comforting and as full of love as Cam could make it. He was a little embarrassed that John's parents were a few feet away, but not enough to ever tell John no.

When they pulled back, John seemed more put together and there was resolve in his eyes. "Okay."

Cam nodded and walked John the few feet back to the car and then slid into the middle seat with John sliding in next to him.

"All set?" Jim asked carefully.

"Yeah."

John shut the door and they buckled up as Jim peeled away from the curb.

---

John wasn't sure he'd ever said more than two words to Luke Mason. He was pretty sure that one of those words had been 'hi' and the other one his name. He didn't think he'd ever said anything to Jason Riley. As they walked up the pathway to their shared house, John put on a nice smile-one that Cameron hated because it was so fake. He mentally chanted that he could do this and that Cameron wouldn't let anything happen to him.

The door opened and they were ushered inside and John took a good look at his dad's older brother. Luke Mason was clearly James Mason's brother, from the strong cheek bones to the dirty blonde hair and matching blue eyes. Next to him was Luke's partner. Jason Riley was tall; John guessed about 6'5. He had dark brown hair, light brown eyes, and was solidly built. Both men were in pretty good shape, but Jason Riley was just… huge. He could have easily been a football player.

John stepped back a little and Cameron's arm slid smoothly around his waist. "I've got you," Cameron said softly so only John could hear. John swallowed and nodded, keeping his smile in place.

"Hey, John." Luke greeted with a warm smile. "It's good to see you." He glanced at Cameron. "And you, too, Cam. It's been a while."

Cameron nodded and held out a hand. "Good to see you, Luke."

Luke shook Cameron's hand and everyone pretended not to notice that John didn't offer his own. "How was your flight?"

"It was good," Cameron answered. He held his hand out to Jason next. "Good to see you, Jason."

"You too, Cam. Glad you guys could make it."

"We're happy to be here," Cameron said with a smile.

"Are you guys thirsty? Can I get you anything?" Luke asked.

"Nah, I'm good," Cameron offered.

Luke and Jason turned and looked expectantly at John. "Anything for you, kid?"

John made a face at the moniker; all of his dad's siblings liked to call him that, though. "I'm good, thank you."

"They're gonna go to the hotel for a little while and get settled before we head out to dinner," Jim said.

"We just wanted to stop by and say 'hi' first," Cameron offered.

"We appreciate it," Jason told him. "Any place special you want to go for dinner? Feel like anything in particular?"

John shifted against Cameron's side. "Cameron?"

"Are there any Cheesecake Factories around here?" Cameron asked. "We went to one in Pasadena and loved it."

Luke grinned. "Then you're in luck. There's one in downtown. We can head out there around… 6? Will that be enough time to get settled?"

It was almost three, so that would give them about three hours. "Yeah."

"Great. Should we swing by and get you on the way, or how do you want to do this? We won't all fit in the same car, so we'll have to take two vehicles."

"Patty, you'll drop 'em off, right? And then we can go together to pick them up," Jim suggested.

Patty smiled. "Sounds like a plan."

"You okay with The Cheesecake Factory?" Cameron asked him quietly.

John nodded. "Yeah."

"I won't tell Carson that you're going to have two cupcakes and cheesecake," Cameron promised.

John scoffed. "Like you're not going to have the same."

Cameron laughed. "I will, but you're more health conscious than I am. And Carson asks you what you eat every day."

"He thinks I don't eat enough," John said softly.

"He can join the club," Cameron muttered.

"I eat fine. I just have a fast metabolism."

"Which means you should eat more."

"That does not mean I should eat more," John protested. "It just means I have a fast metabolism."

Cameron rolled his eyes. "Whatever you say, John."

"Mom," John whined softly.

John's mom smiled at both of them and wrapped an arm around John's shoulder, hugging him to her side. The movement pulled John away from Cameron. "You could eat a little more, John."

John made a face and ducked his head and made a mental note to eat more. "Okay," he said quietly. Then he smiled mischievously, "I guess that means I'll need to get three cupcakes and two pieces of cheesecake."

His mom laughed and John loved the sound of his mom laughing. He wished she would laugh all the time but John knew he wasn't a very funny person, though he wished he were. When Cameron or his mom or dad laughed… John's world was okay for a moment and there were just bright smiles and happy eyes and people he loved.

"John," She said, amused but serious. "As far as I'm concerned, you can have as many cupcakes and pieces of cheesecake as you want."

John let go of Cameron and hugged her. "I love you, Mom." He whispered into her ear. He didn't get his normal hug at the airport and he wanted it now. He was vaguely aware of Cameron pulling Luke and Jason into conversation as John's dad joined the hug.

This was what he had wanted from the moment he'd woken up knowing he would see them today, this was what he'd been waiting for. He loved Cameron, and Cameron made him feel safe-usually-but nothing was as comforting as his parents around him. Nothing else in the world felt like this did. His parents whispered words of love and John let them wash over him.

In three years John would have his twenty years in the Air Force. Two more years after that Cameron would have his. John's dad already had his twenty years, and then some, and was talking about retiring soon. John hadn't said anything to anyone, but he wanted to be closer to his parents. He wanted to talk to Cameron about maybe moving out to where his parents lived; he could never ask them to move to him, although John would love that. He thought maybe he was living his life in reverse-years spent apart from his parents and then coming back home.

John wondered if they minded that he was almost forty and still needed them so much. Jim and Patty Mason had given John more than just their last name. They gave him a home, a family, unconditional love, and they gave him themselves. He owed them so much and they didn't even know it.

Patty gave John's cheek a kiss before she let him go and John reluctantly parted from his mom. His dad held on for a second longer before releasing him also. Once they were apart, John immediately sought out his husband with his eyes and found Cameron deep in conversation with Jason about something. Luke was watching John and his parents and he didn't try to hide it when John met his eyes. Luke offered him a small smile and John forced himself to return it.

When Cameron's and Jason's conversation died down, Patty ushered him and John out to the car with a wave to the two Mason brothers and Jason.

John and Cameron buckled into the back and Patty smiled at them in the rearview mirror. "To Sprinkles, right boys?"

"Is that the cupcake place?" Cameron asked.

"It sure is, dear."

"Then Sprinkles it is," Cameron returned easily.

---

Luke watched as his sister-in-law drove off with his nephew and his nephew-in-law. No one said anything for a moment before Jim broke away from the group and headed towards the liquor cabinet. There was silence as he poured three glasses of scotch. Jim handed them out and Luke swirled his scotch around, staring at the liquid.

"Fuck, Jim." Jason said, breaking the quiet. "I think John was… he wouldn't look at me. I think I scared him."

Luke's hand tightened around his glass and he gulped it down in one long sip. He set the empty glass down and turned to his partner. Jason wrapped a comforting arm around his waist.

There had always been something about John. He was polite but firm in his avoidance of Luke and Jason. Patty and Jim had never confirmed anything outright, but they didn't really have to. John was skittish and shied away from pretty much everyone but his parents. He was quiet and painfully shy for someone his age. John was always near an exit and he wouldn't meet people's eyes. And he didn't like to be touched at all.

Luke had been a little shocked when Jim had called him to say that he and Patty were adopting a son. He'd been more shocked to find out that son was twenty years old. He had quickly gone from shock to excitement, though, and had looked forward to meeting John for several months before they were both at a reunion together. But almost the second John had seen him with Jason, John had backed off-he wouldn't go near them.

At first Luke had been angry; his little brother had gone and adopted a homophobe. Then Patty took him aside and quietly explained that John was just really shy and not homophobic, but he just couldn't be around him and Jason. She had hinted at something more going on but had never confirmed anything. So he and Jason had just watched with curiosity at how John interacted with other family members over the years. He was just a tiny bit more open with others but just as closed off towards anyone drinking.

So Luke had been really surprised when Jim had called to say that John was getting married-to a man. By then Luke had figured out that John had a dark past and that past more then likely involved abuse and almost surely more than just physical abuse.

He met Cameron Mitchell at the wedding and had seen him at one of the yearly reunions since then. His relationship with John was such an enigma. Cam didn't seem to mind that John was almost always glued to his parents' side. He didn't seem to mind that John was different-too shy, too quiet, too aloof.

But John's relationship with Cam Mitchell wasn't the only thing that was mysterious. Luke, for the life of him, could not picture his baby brother's son in the Air Force. Jim said that John was essentially second in command of the base he worked at, that he had his own team, that he'd flown black ops for a couple of years. (Something that Luke wasn't really supposed to know, but Jim had been drunk and worried at the time.)

Luke just couldn't picture the John Mason that just stood in his foyer as the same John Mason his brother described. No one had missed how John had physically distanced himself from Jason. No one had missed how Cam smoothly pulled him and Jason into a conversation so that John and his parents could share an abnormally long hug. And everyone had realized that John would have bolted if Cam hadn't been there to keep him in place.

"John is just… nervous," Jim said to Jason. "He doesn't know you, but he's trying."

"He's more than nervous, Jim. Jesus. And what does he have to be nervous about? The kid could probably kill me with his pinky or something."

"John's not that good around people."

"It's more than that," Jason said with a shake of his head. "He's not good around gay people."

"Jason-" Jim started to protest.

"You know that's not it, Jace." Luke cut in. "And that's not fair."

"Yeah," Jason said sadly. "I guess I should have said that John's not good around gay people who are bigger than him."

No one argued and Luke knew that Jason was right; so did Jim.

Finally Jim broke the silence. "John has a lot of guilt where you two are concerned," he said softly. "He likes you and he likes to hear about your lives, but he… it's not his fault he can't be near you, Jason. Please don't blame John. If this is… if this is going to be a problem, then tell me now and I can get him recalled home before the wedding."

Luke frowned and swore, "Damn it, Jim. We want him there, he's family. You know this is just Jason's way of expressing worry."

"It is," Jason broke in. "I don't blame the kid, Jim. I could never do that."

"We're just curious," Luke said quietly. "Hell, everyone in the family is curious, Jim."

Jim's face took on a haunted look. "Some things," he said softly. "Are better left unknown."

---

John ended up with five cupcakes and a promise from Patty to stop there on the way to the airport so he could bring some back for Daniel, Rodney, and Carson. Cam just grinned as he watched his husband devour his second cupcake.

"You are going to get soooo fat," Cam teased.

John licked some frosting from the side of his mouth unaware of how completely adorable he looked. "I thought that was the plan."

"My plan was actually to try and steal some of your cupcakes when you weren't looking."

"Oh it was, was it?" John asked coyly.

Cam was pleased to see John in such a good mood. They had walked around the Stanford Shopping Center for an hour or so and John had gone back and forth between him and Patty the whole time, just happy to be with them. It had been the most carefree he'd seen his husband in a while.

"Why?' Cam grinned. "Do you think you could stop me?"

"Yes," John said with certainty. He licked some frosting off the top of the cupcake in his hand. "I might be persuaded to let you try some, though."

"Oh yeah?" Cam moved from his spot in the chair by the window over to John's bed, where his husband was leaning against the headboard eating his dessert. Cam slowly climbed onto the bed next to John and took a seat by the other man. John glanced at him nervously and then his tongue jutted out to lick some frosting and a second later Cam tasted sugary sweet goodness. He licked it off of John's tongue and was careful not to make any quick movements.

He felt John's hands wrap around the back of his neck and idly wondered where John's cupcake had gone before deciding he didn't care. Cam wasn't sure where John's good mood had come from since he'd spent the whole morning quietly freaking out.

When they broke apart Cam had to fight the urge to pull John back towards him so they could keep going. He closed his eyes and swallowed, and told himself to behave.

"Did you like it?" John asked hesitantly.

Cam licked his lips. "I loved it."

---

Cam knocked on the door to John's room and waited a full sixty-seven seconds before his husband opened it. John's hair was sticking up and he was dressed in only his boxers. He yawned as he stepped to the side to let Cam through.

"Were you still sleeping?" Cam asked, glancing towards the unmade bed.

"Yeah, sorry," John replied, sheepishly. "I forgot to set an alarm."

"We're not meeting Luke and Jason for another few hours, if you want to get some more sleep."

John yawned again and shook his head. "I'm awake."

Cam grinned. "Sure you are."

"You know, most scientists agree that yawning doesn't really happen because we're sleepy. A lot of Olympic athletes will yawn right before competition; I doubt they're sleepy."

"Seriously, John, no more Discovery Channel for you," Cam said with a shake of his head.

"Learning is fun, Cameron," John argued.

"Uh-huh, sure."

John rolled his eyes and went to his suitcase, grabbing clothes. "I'm going to get changed."

"Do you want me to order breakfast?"

"There are leftovers in the mini-fridge," John said, walking to the bathroom. "Just heat them up in the microwave."

He shut the door behind him and Cam went to do as John said. Seven minutes later the food was hot and so was John in his jeans and black t-shirt when he emerged from the bathroom. Cam shifted uncomfortably in his suddenly tight jeans. John came over to the table and sat down across from him.

"Is everything alright?" He asked softly.

Cam nodded. "Yeah."

"Where did you get the silverware?" John asked as he poured himself some of the coffee that Cam had brewed.

"Front desk. They have, like, everything, John. It's crazy."

John laughed softly. "It's nice that they're so prepared."

"Yeah." Cam speared a piece of chicken with his fork. "Did you talk to Jackson last night?"

John nodded and swallowed the food in his mouth. "He said that Sam and Teal'c came over and they played Strip-Scrabble."

Cam blinked. "Please tell me you're joking."

His husband grinned suddenly and his eyes filled with mirth. "Yeah. Sam and Teal'c did come over, but they just hung out at the pool."

"I think you almost gave me a heart attack there," Cam said with relief. "I don't want to picture SG1 naked in my living room."

John seemed to think about it. "Well, maybe not Teal'c."

"Not Teal'c? Not any of them!" Cam exclaimed. "And the only person you get to see naked is me."

John laughed again and Cam was almost ready to ask Patty to move in with them if she could get such a good mood out of John. "We'll see."

Cam sputtered, "We'll see? I don't think so, John James Mason. There will be no seeing."

His husband just smiled. "Eat your breakfast, Cameron."

"John!"

"Breakfast."

Cam grumbled as he stabbed another piece of chicken.

---

All of John's levity from that morning had disappeared by the time they were standing on the curb outside their hotel, waiting for Luke and Jason to pick them up for lunch. Cam had him wrapped in a tight hug and John's face was buried in the collar of Cam's shirt. They were just standing there like that, both of them ignoring the looks they received from people passing by.

Eventually a silver Prius pulled up to them and Jason's eyes met Cam's through the window and Cam held up a finger, asking for a moment.

"They're here, John." He murmured.

He felt John kiss him through his shirt and then the older man was pulling back. There weren't any visible signs of distress on John's face. John turned around and opened the back door of the car, gesturing for Cam to get in. Cam buckled up while John went around to the other side of the car and slid in next to Cam.

"Do you guys like Mexican food?" Luke asked, pulling away from the hotel.

Cam thought about the fajitas and quesadillas and tacos that John had made several times for dinner. "Yeah."

"John?" Luke asked.

"Mexican food is great."

"Awesome. Jason's been bugging me to go to Casa Lupe for a while now. It's a bit far from our house, but they have great food."

"And even better margaritas," Jason put in from the passenger seat.

John nodded tersely and Cam reached out to tangle their fingers together. "Sounds great," Cam said quietly.

The ride there was quiet and took about twenty minutes. When they finally pulled up, it was to a little restaurant with Mexican décor. They were led to a booth and Cam slid in first so that John could be on the end. A waiter delivered chips while they perused the menu. A couple of times Cam pointed to something to get clarification from John on what it was. When the waiter came, Cam ordered the chicken nachos while John ordered a chicken burrito; they both asked for a coke. Luke ordered some shrimp fajitas while Jason requested the enchiladas; Luke got a beer while Jason got a margarita.

Cam settled a hand on John's thigh and John reached down and squeezed it tightly.

"So…" Jason said, as the waiter cleared out the menus. "How goes the Air Force?"

Cam shrugged. "We like it."

"I don't think I could ever work in a place with so many rules," Luke contributed.

"There aren't as many as you'd think," Cam responded with a smile. "And when you've been in as long as we have… well you start figuring out ways to work around them."

"A couple of rebels," Jason grinned. "I should have figured."

"How's Google?" Cam asked politely, steering them away from the topic of what he and John did for a living.

"It's great," Jason answered. "I love it."

"And how's teaching?" Cam asked Luke. Luke Mason taught law at Stanford University.

"It has its ups and downs," Luke said with a smile. "But I love it; it's never boring."

"Ever think about going back into private practice?"

Luke laughed softly. "Nope. We're pretty financially set and I don't need the stress. Now I just get to mold future generations."

Their waiter chose that second to deliver Cam and John's sodas and disappeared for a moment only to return with Luke's beer and Jason's margarita.

Jason took a sip and sighed contentedly. "Want to try some?" He asked, offering the glass towards them.

"No, thanks." Cam said gently but firmly.

"John?"

"No, thanks."

"Luke?"

Luke nodded and took a sip off the side of the glass before letting Jason have it again. "Those are good. We'll have to come back with Greg and Sam so that Sam can be DD."

Jason grinned. "I'll e-mail them tonight."

John suddenly let go of his hand and stood abruptly. "I, uh, have to use the restroom." He didn't glance back as he left them to go find the men's room.

Luke and Jason lost the smiles on their face as they turned to Cam. "What just happened?" Luke asked.

Cam offered them a smile and started to slide out of the booth. "I'm sure it's nothing. I'll go check on him."

He found John hovering over the sink, watching the water run down the drain. Cam approached him carefully and slowly slid his arms around John's waist. "I won't let anything happen to you," he murmured. "I'll keep you safe, John."

"I know," John whispered. "I just need a moment, Cameron."

"Take as long as you need; they can wait."

"I don't know why they make me so nervous."

"I do," Cameron said gently. "They're older than you, John, and clearly interested in men… and Jason is much larger physically; he's intimidating. You're subconsciously picking up on these things and connecting them to past events."

"That's… incredibly not fair to them," John stated quietly.

"No," Cam answered honestly. "It's not. But they're grown-ups, John, they can understand these things. I think they're sad, not hurt. They just… they want to know you, John. Not because of your past or because you're the hottest lieutenant colonel in the Air Force…" John let out a soft laugh at that. "But because you're Luke's younger brother's son. You're his nephew and he wants to know you because you're family."

"I don't know what to say to them," John admitted softly.

"Talk to them about math, tell them about all those crazy degrees you have. Tell them that the day Patty and Jim came into your life and accepted you into their family was the best day of your life. Tell them that you like to cook and you like Johnny Cash. Tell them about our first date and how you love Ferris wheels now. There are so many things you could say to them, John and I know they'll just be so happy you're talking to them, sharing your life."

"You forgot something," John murmured.

Cam blinked. "I did?"

"If I'm sharing my life then I'd have to talk about my amazing husband," John said quietly. He turned around in Cam's arms. "I think I could talk about you all day."

Cam felt himself blush. "I'm not sure they'll want to hear about me."

"You're so important to my life that it's probably impossible to talk about me without talking about you."

"I…" Cam blinked back a tear. "Jesus, John. I love you."

John nodded. "I know."

---

"I don't think this is going well," Luke said to his partner while John and Cam were in the bathroom. "I feel like everything I say or do is hurting the kid in some way."

"I know what you mean. I'm afraid to say anything. Fuck, Luke, I'm half afraid to even look at him."

"Are we doing the right thing, Jace? Should we just leave him alone?" Luke sighed. "Jim is always talking about him, he's so goddamned proud of John… Is it wrong to want to know my nephew?"

"Hey," Jason soothed, running a hand up and down Luke's thigh. "We're giving this a shot, okay? We're trying and John is trying and Cam is trying… with so many people trying there's no way this is wrong, alright? John will be back in a minute… let's just remember what Patty said-no big movements, quiet voices, no sex jokes…"

Luke snorted half-heartedly. "That's more your arena than mine."

"We'll take it slow and hope for the best-that's all we can do."

Luke grabbed Jason's hand and held it tightly. "I really want this to work, Jay."

"I know you do, babe." Jason looked past him and Luke turned his head to see Cam and John heading back their way. "You can do this."

Luke nodded. "Yeah, okay."

---

John nervously traced the pictures on his tacky placemat. There were small Spanish phrases on it such as 'Hola' or 'Buenos Noches' and next to those were hats and streamers. He looked up to find the whole table looking at him. John bit his lip and said, "I like to cook."

His uncle smiled brightly. "Really? Jason and I take classes at Williams-Sonoma once a month, we love to cook. What do you like to make?"

"Um, anything really."

"Williams-Sonoma has cooking classes?" Cameron cut in. "There's one at Briargate, John. We should look into that."

"Yeah, they're great." Jason said. "They usually bring in a local chef who goes step by step through the recipes and you try all the food he makes and he'll send you home with the recipes so you can make it later."

"One of my best friends, Rodney, he has a lot of food allergies, so I started cooking for him. I-I haven't been cooking that long, a couple years…"

"But John is a great chef," Cameron added. "He cooks for all of us-breakfast, lunch, dinner."

Jason looked at Luke and then back and him and Cameron. "… Us?"

John nodded. "Rodney and Daniel, my other best friend and, uh, Cameron's teammate, both live with us. Although lately Rodney has been with his boyfriend more than he's been home."

"You guys live with two other people?" Luke asked, confused.

"Yeah," Cameron said easily. "They both lived there before I did and we didn't want to kick them out."

John watched as Jason and Luke exchanged another glance before Luke shrugged. "So what else do you like to do?"

"Well… on our first date Cameron took me on a Ferris wheel. I'd never been on one and…"

They continued chatting and John found that his husband had been right, there had been lots of talk about. They went from Ferris wheels to asking what it felt like to fly a plane to what books John liked to read to his solving a Millennium problem-twice.

Their meal came and it was every bit as good as promised and Cameron even let John sneak a few bites of his chicken nachos. When the waiter came to take their plate, Jason asked for two orders of their deep fried ice cream, promising that they'd never had anything so good. John was curious about what it was but Jason and Luke both refused to tell him.

"So you're all ready for tomorrow?" Cameron asked while they waited for their dessert.

"Yup," Luke answered. "We have the rehearsal dinner tonight-did Patty tell you it was casual?" John nodded. "Yeah, so there's that and then the wedding tomorrow."

"I guess you're not too worried that Jason will leave you at the altar," Cameron joked.

Luke and Jason laughed. "Definitely not," Luke responded with an easy grin. "He's stuck with me 'cause no one else will have him."

"Hey!" Jason protested, then paused. "Okay, yeah, you're probably right."

Luke grinned. "Of course I'm right." He turned to Cameron. "Were you afraid of John leaving you at the altar?"

"Nope," Cameron answered with surety. "John thought I would leave him, though."

Two questioning gazes looked his way and John flushed. "Cameron."

His husband smiled. "It's okay. I had enough faith for both of us." He took a sip of his cola. "So… any honeymoon plans?"

Luke nodded. "After the current semester gets out, we're taking off for Martha's Vineyard for two weeks."

"Martha's Vineyard… that's in Massachusetts?" Cameron asked.

"Yeah," Jason answered. "Ever been?"

"Nope. I've heard it's beautiful, though."

"What about you, John?" Jason asked.

John shook his head. "I haven't been either."

"Where did you guys go on your honeymoon?" Luke asked, curious.

John flushed and Cameron answered, "We stayed home. Neither of us really felt very comfortable being so far from base in case they needed us to come in."

"Ah. Well, that must be nice also, just settling in," Jason remarked.

"We liked it," Cameron replied.

The waiter chose that moment to step in. "And here we go… two deep fried ice creams." He set the bowls down in front of them and John's stomach turned as he looked at it. "Can I get you guys anything else? Re-fills?"

"No, we're good, thanks," Luke said, picking up a spoon.

The waiter left and John pushed the bowl away from him. He whispered, "Cameron."

In the bowl was ice cream rolled in corn flakes and deep fried. It was sprinkled with cinnamon sugar and surrounded by cinnamon sugar chips. On top were whipped cream and a cherry. It was all covered in chocolate sauce.

Cameron turned to look at him while moving the bowl further away from John. "Just take a deep breath, John."

John gripped Cameron's hand and tried to do as he was told. He hadn't been given chocolate in years, not since… and now images flashed through his mind. "I need…" John choked out.

"Let's go outside, we'll get some air," Cameron suggested gently.

John nodded and let Cameron guide him out of the booth and out of the restaurant. They walked until they were around the corner, away from the windows before John stopped. Cameron's arms came around him from behind and they breathed together.

"I'm sorry," John said at last. "Usually I'm okay if I know it's coming."

"What have I told you about apologizing?" Cameron asked gently. "There's no need, John."

John closed his eyes to take a steadying breath, and he could hear pants unzipping and whispers of encouragement. and suddenly Cameron's arms were trapping him and John needed to get out, out, out. He pushed away from his husband and Cameron didn't protest or try to keep him there.

They'd been out of the restaurant for about five minutes when John finally nodded and turned back to his partner. "We should go back in they're probably wondering what happened."

"It's nobody's business but ours," Cameron said softly.

John nodded and reached out for Cameron's hand. The other man didn't hesitate to take it as they went back into the restaurant. When they got there, they saw that the table had been cleared and Luke and Jason were waiting with the receipt. They stood as John and Cameron approached and both men offered weak smiles.

"Want to get out of here?" Luke asked.

John nodded while Cameron said, "Sure."

The car ride back to the hotel was just as quiet as the ride to the restaurant. Luke pulled into a parking space and Cameron moved to open the door, when John's hand on his arm stopped him.

"I don't want to ruin your wedding," John said softly. "With darker topics."

"You won't," Jason said immediately, turning to face him.

"Not at all," Luke added, turning also.

John took a deep breath. "My father used to beat me when I was a child, and when I was twelve I was…" John swallowed. "I was sexually abused by a teacher at my school who used to offer me chocolate in exchange for… for things." He looked at Luke. "The day I met your brother was one of the best days of my life and the day he and my mom adopted me was the best day of my life. Your family has been so amazing and accepting and I just… I'm sorry if my actions have hurt you."

Luke looked like he was going to reach for John, but then at the last second he changed his mind and grabbed Jason's hand instead. "Our family, John. They're not just mine."

John nodded sharply and then left the car. He could hear Cameron hurrying after him. As they turned to go into the hotel, John glanced back at the car and he could see Luke crying with Jason's arms wrapped around him. Cameron wrapped a warm arm around his shoulders and guided him into the lobby.

---

"This looks great, John," Cam said as John set a plate of food in front of him.

"And smells amazing," Daniel put in.

Rodney looked at the food suspiciously. "Are you sure there's no citrus?"

John placed a plate down in front of Rodney. "I'm sure."

"Is this a new recipe you're trying out?" Carson asked.

John took a seat across from Cam and their feet tangled together. "Yeah. My uncle sent it to me."

It had been three weeks since the wedding and Cam knew that John and Luke had been e-mailing back and forth.

"Which one?" Daniel asked. "The one who just got married?"

"Yeah," John nodded. "He and Jason like to cook."

"Can we start already?" Rodney asked. "Because some of us haven't eaten in hours."

Everyone laughed and John smiled fondly. "Yes, Rodney you can eat."

They dug in and the food tasted even better then it looked. Cam was in heaven. He sighed happily as he filled his fork up again. "This is definitely a winner, John."

John looked at him shyly. "Yeah?"

"Oh yeah," Daniel put in.

"It's great, lad." Carson added sincerely.

John flashed them a smile. "Thank you."

Later that night Cam had just turned off the light by his bed when his door opened a little.

"Cameron?" John asked softly.

"Yeah?"

"Can I lay with you for a while?"

"Of course." He pulled back the blankets and John slid in next to him. "Is everything alright?"

"Yeah. I wanted to be next to you for a while," John answered quietly. "If that's alright."

Cam smiled into the darkness. "You can be next to me for as long as you want."

"So forever?"

"Forever's a start. I was thinking more like forever and ever."

John laughed softly. "There's nothing longer than forever, Cameron."

"There has to be," Cam answered. "Because forever is just seeming too short for me."

"You're being cheesy."

"Am I?" Cam mused. "Well it's my prerogative as your husband-I can be as cheesy as I want."

"Nuh-uh," John protested.

"No? I think yes," Cam decided. "And just what are you going to do to stop me, John Mason?"

John laughed again. "I'll sic Rodney on you."

Cam shuddered. "Not McKay! That's worse than death!"

"And Daniel."

"Oh no. Jackson will talk me to death for sure. He just goes on and on and on…!"

"And Carson."

"Who has abnormally large needles, by the way."

"Yup," John offered. "He says they work better for ensuring cooperation."

Cam thought about that. "He's probably right."

"I love you, Cameron." John said suddenly, but genuinely. "You never give up on me."

"I could never give up on you, John. You are my life."

John paused. "I hate going to sleep."

"Why?"

"Because at the end of the day I can say that I made it through another day. Waking up is like starting all over again, sleep erases everything I've survived and when morning comes, I just have to do it all again. Before you it felt like fighting a losing battle everyday but I hadn't yet lost, so I had to keep fighting."

"And since me?" Cam asked softly.

"Since you… it feels like I have a champion now. Someone who will fight alongside me, someone I can trust not to give up and let me keep fighting alone."

"I'm sure your parents would fight."

"They're there to tend my wounds, to patch me up. You're here to keep me going, to help me win."

Cam paused before asking, "And do you think we'll win, John? Do you really believe that like I do?"

"I didn't before," John whispered. "But now, if I lose, there's more at stake than just me."

"I hate going to sleep, too," Cam said quietly.

"Really?"

"Sleeping takes away time I could spend with you. It signals the end of another day gone, lessening the amount of time we have left together."

"I think you're being cheesy again," John said, but Cam could hear the smile in his voice.

"Like I said-my prerogative as your husband. Cheesy come with the package."

"What else comes with the package?"

"Well, I do have mad piloting skills."

"Hmm."

"And I can whistle really well."

"Hmmmm."

"And if all else fails… I know how to grow corn."

This time John laughed and Cam joined him. "I do like corn," John managed to say.

"Who doesn't?"

"Good question."

John moved closer to Cam so that their bodies were right next to each other. Cam lifted an arm up and John settled under it. "Stay here tonight, John." Cam whispered.

The silence stretched between them and Cam was about to retract his request when John nodded against him. "Okay."

"I love you, John."

John didn't answer but his breathing was even and Cam knew without looking that John had already fallen asleep, asleep with him.

---

Words
By Darren Hayes and Robert Conley

Give me a taste of what's to come.
Give me your medicine.
Teach me a lesson maybe I deserve to know.
Cut me down to size and paralyze me
With the contents of your pretty little head.
And give me somewhere else to go.
Give me one thing.
Tell me something I don't really need to know.
I am so afraid of breaking what we made.
It is delicate and lovely.
But it's a weight above me.

And your words are like weapons.
But you keep them inside and they cut like a knife.
And you keep it together.
All those feelings inside.
There's nowhere to hide
But away from me.
When I just want to listen to your words.

I'd like to step into your world.
Show me a secret.
I promise to keep it safe and sheltered from the storm.
I want to cross the great divide that keeps me swimming
And treading water from your shore.

I want to coax you from your hell.
Into an alley,
A hidden valley where the truth can surely spill.
I want to take the weight that drags you to the ground.
Spare this treasure that I've found.

But your words are like weapons.
But you keep them inside and they cut like a knife.
And you keep it together.
All those feelings inside.
There's nowhere to hide
But away from me.
When I just want to listen.

There's a lock someone's stolen the key
And took you away from me.
Somewhere that no one can read you.
I see a Bible.
Yeah I see a Bible in your eyes.
All those codes and hidden meanings.
Full of metaphor and something for the faithless in me.

But your words are like weapons.
But you keep them inside and they cut like a knife.
And you keep it together.
All those feelings inside.
There's nowhere to hide
But away from me.
When I just want to listen to your words.