The soft atmosphere of the funeral home was gentle, given the nature of the deceased. The blonde young angel taken too soon by the demons she had been battling with her entire life lay in the powder pink casket almost looking like she was merely sleeping. The make-up artist did a fine job of making her look alive-she even LOOKED better than she did while she was living. The all-white dress she was wearing was made to look exactly like her party gown she wore as a baby with pink bows and ribbons. Her favorite childhood toy, the Barbie doll that she had "modified" gently cradled in the crook of her elbow. The girl's father and stepmother were in attendance, but he was emotionally distant and she as usual was on a business call. He hadn't had a wink of undisturbed sleep since he got the call almost a week earlier. His brother, his brother's wife and their special needs son came up to him and extended their condolences. The brother took him aside and asked for a few words with him.
"H-hey Drew…" the other man said "I know we haven't talked for a long while…"
The other brother was silent, the signs of his weariness obvious on his face. The showers he had taken were merely out of necessity rather than want. His clothes were unkempt and his glasses off center, the wrinkles on his face showing more than ever despite his wife's Botox interventions.
"That's fine" the brother said "You don't have to say anything…I know you're still in the shock faze" he sighed deeply and said "I know what it's like to lose a child…"
Drew began to tremble, silently crying to himself and not noticing the world around him. He didn't even feel his brother hug him tightly and cry with him. He hadn't talked to Drew in years, not since his daughter caused his younger son's mental retardation so long ago. It came as a shock to him too when he first learned about it. It would be a lie if he said that the thought of that the girl had it coming to her hadn't crossed his mind, but for Drew's sake he kept that bit of information to himself for the time being.
"Stu…" the brother sobbed in between gasps for air "It hurts…" he clutched Stu's suit jacket and sank to the floor "It really, really hurts!"
"Oh Drew…" he picked his brother up from the floor and helped him into the chair. He couldn't help but feel pity for the brother he was so angry at for years at this moment. "How about we go outside? Get some fresh air?" Drew nodded in agreement and let his brother lead him out of the building and out of the stench of death.
Then Susie's family rolled up in the family car, all of them dressed in black and his daughter's only friend clearly had something on her mind other than the death of her dear friend. Drew and Stu greeted them kindly but only Susie met their gaze with a look of guilt on her face. The butterflies in her stomach were fluttering around and they were about to burst out unless she said what she needed to say. She had used up all her time trying to word her story and how to do it. "Mr. Pickles?" both of the brothers that the title of 'Mr. Pickles' applied to looked up, and she quickly rephrased her desired addressee "Erm…Angelica's Dad…can I talk to you in private?"
Drew looked at the teenage girl and said "Of course…" and excused himself to talk to Susie in the park that was near the funeral home. Susie's parents had already heard the story she had to tell and they both nodded in approval of their daughter's decision to tell Drew what happened. He deserved to hear the whole truth. A few moments of silence save for the gentle squeaking of the swings they sat on, the gentle wind blowing on their faces in time with their swinging. "Susie…" Drew started, his eyes still red and sore from crying so hard "Please tell me what happened…I need to know…"
She looked up at him and said "You never suspected anything relating to mental illness? Not even when she was little?"
"We thought it was just an imaginary friend phase…" he looked down, ashamed at his failure as a father to notice something wrong with his daughter. "After we lost Cynthia" he thought for a moment and said "her mother Cynthia, I just shut everything out and started self-medicating. Then things got better when I met Charlotte…at least for the first few years…she got a big job at the company and we both just got so busy that we left Angelica to her own devices…"
Susie put a comforting hand on his shoulder "It's not your fault…people have different ways of coping with life. Some of them not as preferable as others, but it varies on the individual" the girl was wise beyond her years, but she still had to see that not everything was cut and dry as her reasoning was.
"How long have you known about Angelica's drug use?" he asked pointe blank.
The question caught her off balance-not that she hadn't expected it to come up in conversation but the fact that it was asked so soon. "I only had my suspicions" she crossed her ankles- a habit she had since childhood when she was nervous "but I don't tell stories that I don't know all the facts to. I asked lots of times if she was alright, but she assured me that things were just fine and even to the point where she ended our friendship for a time" she looked down "that's why you haven't seen much of me lately…"
"I see" Drew said, things were starting to come to light and he wanted more but more pressing matters were currently underway. "The service is about to start" he pointed to his father who was motioning them to come in.
The Emika soundtrack was playing softly in the background of the eulogy-an unwritten request by Angelica to happen. Didi was giving the eulogy, giving the surviving family advice on how to stand strong in the face of tragedy. But the boiling point for Drew was "Dr. Lipshitz says that only when we come together is when we can overcome great sadness."
The sudden outburst from Drew was "To Hell with Lipshitz! Where was he when you gave birth to a dead baby?!" this caused the entire congregation to gasp out loud, his brother's family promptly left, his father giving him a glare that would mean death if he were still a child and Betty with her partner standing up to protest.
"We understand that you're suffering Drew, but bringing that up was just uncalled for! That's nobody's business but Stu and Dee Dee's!"
"Oh that's rich coming from the woman who killed her unborn child!" Betty's lip trembled and she was about to beat him up, but her girlfriend's touch to her hand calmed her.
"When you're ready to apologize to us all for making an ass out of yourself, Drew…call us…" then the services wrapped up without further incident. He knew that he was nowhere near ready to go home to the house his child died in, so he got a hotel for a few days. His wife was off the phone now, and with a simple sentence she was bought back to reality.
"I want a divorce, Char" he then left his soon to be ex-wife in the parking lot stunned and for the first time in their married life she actually didn't care about her business.
The next few days saw him secluded in his hotel room, being bombarded with calls from various people who were worried about him but the one voice message that stood out was "Mr. Pickles? It's Susie…if you're ready to hear the whole story call me back and we'll set up a meeting time and place…" he immediately called her back and arranged to meet her in a quiet place in the library.
"Are you ready? I'll give you the unabridged version in full detail…" she questioned him, unsure that he was ready to handle what she had to say.
"Not yet" he admitted "but first I have to tell you the full story of my family…"
The waiting room in the obstetrician's office was spotless-white clean linen draped over the bed and chairs created a more welcoming environment for the patients and the fathers. The Pickles' sat in the room, their hands on Dee Dee's swollen belly lovingly. Stu rubbed it and spoke to it like it was already here "Hey Tommy! It's your Daddy! We can't wait for you to come out!"
"Oh Stu!" Didi laughed "You're so silly!" she kissed his lips softly "You'll be a great daddy!"
The nurse and the doctor waited on the other side of the door with the news, both of them very nervous as to how the Pickles' would take it. Hearing the conversation between the couple was heart breaking, and it would only get worse. The nurse was about to cry when the doctor excused her for the rest of the day. "Mr. and Mrs. Pickles?" the addressees looked up and followed the doctor to the room that had charts of baby development.
"So how's our little bun doing in the oven Doc?" Stu asked.
Taking a deep breath, the doctor said "There's no easy way to say this…but during the sonogram we couldn't hear the baby's heartbeat…"
The expectant couple couldn't understand what was being explained to them until Stu asked "Are…are you telling me that our baby is dead?"
"Unfortunately, yes…" the doctor then did something that she had never done in her professional career and gave them both a genuine hug. It was rare and painful to inform people of these sort of things, but she would rather give them the painful truth that sugarcoat a lie and postpone their grief.
Didi was deathly silent all through the conversation until she asked "What can we do about it…?"
"There are a few options like terminating the pregnancy now, inducing labor or you can continue to carry to term and we can induce then…"
The thought of terminating the pregnancy never crossed their minds, so they had to contemplate when they wanted to induce labor. "May we have some privacy to discuss the matter, doctor?"
"Of course" she gathered her things and said "Take as much time as you need and when you're ready just open the door…I'll be right outside…" she shut the door.
After a lengthy discussion about the issue, it was decided that she would carry the baby to term and induce labor on her original due date. In the meantime, Didi kept the nursery clean and tidy, with various shades of blue scattered in painted teddy bears. While this was going on, Stu was busy in the basement making toys for the son that would never get to play with them. It wasn't until Stu's brother Drew came by and opened the door to the basement, with mountains of odd looking toys meant for Tommy looming over the ever busy toy maker like twenty thousand eyes judging his every move. "Stu? You down here bro?" he had his daughter Angelica on his hip, the little blonde looking at the toys with innocent greed.
Stu looked up and smiled, greeting his brother and niece with open arms "Hey! I'm just making some toys for when Tommy comes into the family! Dee Dee's been keeping the baby's room nice and clean for him! He's gonna be so happy to be home!"
Drew looked at his brother in mortification, called up to his new wife to take Angelica for a minute while he spoke to Stu in private. "Bro…Tommy's not going to be alive when he comes out…" saying those words to his brother felt like driving a hot knife into his heart, but this had to be done.
"What are you talking about, Drew? Of course he's gonna be alive! We've tried for so long to have a baby and now one's coming!" the deep bags under his eyes indicated that he had little to no sleep since they found out about it.
"Stu…" he grabbed his brother's shoulders "Your child is going to be born dead! There's no contesting that! You have to stop making him these toys!"
Stu's resolve began to crack, his denial of the situation growing smaller "That can't be true…it's not true…if I keep making him toys…he'll have to play with them…" his knees began to knock against each other and he lost his balance, gravity proving too much for his thinning frame "He has to be alive…as long as I keep making toys for him…" his voice becoming lost in his own thoughts.
After a full three minutes of stunned silence, Drew asked "Stu? Are you alright?"
Stu's full body trembled with silent sobs and Drew fell to his knees to hug his brother tight "Drew…it hurts…" he clutched his chest and sobbed harder "It really, really hurts!"
"It'll be okay, Stu…you got me, Char, Angelica, Pop and Didi's family to get you through…"
Meanwhile, with Charlotte and Didi in the kitchen drinking coffee in complete silence. It was one of her rare moments that she wasn't on the phone with her new job at the company and she had even left the cellphone at home so she can offer her shoulder to cry on. Still it was awkward to try and hold a conversation with the woman in the situation she was in but she ventured "How have you been Didi?"
The other woman offered up "I've been better, but I've been worse. I've come to terms with the fact that Tommy won't be coming home with us, but I don't know what happens after…" she took off her glasses and rubbed her eyes. She had done enough crying to last her lifetime in the past few weeks, and she didn't intend to waste anymore on the future.
"You know, a friend of mine had a stillborn baby a few years ago…the hospital staff let her bathe and dress the baby before they had to go...you can ask for that and I'm sure they'll let you do it…"
Didi thought about it for a moment and let a sad smile cross her lips "I want that… but I want Stu to help me too…"
"That's understandable…talk it over with him and when it's over and done with there's a great grief counselor that I know can help you…his name is Lipshitz…" she quickly wrote down the number and the men came up from the basement.
Drew addressed his wife with "Honey, let's leave them to discuss things in private…" they gave the hugs and kisses before they left.
Over the next few days, the family had contacted Dr. Lipshitz and he agreed that doing the simple things like bathing and clothing the child would bring about a sense of closure and to an extent comfort to the family. He had arranged that the procedure be done at the hospital he worked at to ensure the family would have the privacy and be comfortable. When the day came, Didi was induced and her labor was less painful than she had expected. The nurses whisked Tommy away so he can be cleaned from his birth blood and wrapped in a soft blue blankey.
The Pickles' cradled their baby and weren't bothered much by his bluish-purple skin. They had mentally prepared themselves for this but were not sure of the emotional preparedness. The tiny onesy with blue trimming and stars and moons lay beneath a diaper and a matching blue cap for the baby's head. The bathing tub was right there with warm water and some baby soap, a single nurse in the room in case they needed help.
Didi and Stu undid the blankey and dipped their child in the water, taking the wash cloths and cleaning Tommy with upmost care and gentleness. All through this, they talked to the baby as if he were alive. Stu managed a smile "Hey Champ!" while Didi dried him off and began to diaper and clothe him, just as any great mother should.
While Didi was busy with Tommy, rocking him gently and reading a storybook to him Stu called their family and friends to come and meet Tommy. Chazz was perplexed when the request came, his little one and his wife Miranda were in the other room "Are you sure you want people there? You don't want to be alone?"
"We're sure, Chazz" he tiredly said "Didi and I discussed this between us and made arrangements…"
"If that's what you want, then we can't stop you…what's the address and room for the hospital?"
Charlotte, Drew and Angelica were the first ones there-Grandpa Lou couldn't bear to see his first grandson in such a state so he never showed up. Hugs were exchanged when Drew said "Princess. Come meet your cousin, Tommy" he lifted her up and let her peek into the crib at the infant.
She looked up at him and said "Daddy is the baby sleepin'?"
The adults in the room thought it was better to agree with her than to tell her the awful truth with "Yes!" Didi cradled her in her arms and explained "Tommy was born sleeping, and he won't ever wake up…"
"Why Aunt Didi?" she looked up with her inquisitive eyes, not intending for her question to cause so much pain. Didi was unable to speak, so she passed Angelica back to her father and excused herself.
Drew took her to the cafeteria and bought her a cookie with milk and said "Angelica, do you remember Mommy?"
"Of course!" the child said happily "she's in the room with Uncle Stu and Aunt Didi!"
He sighed and said "No honey. That Mommy is my wife Charlotte, I'm talking about the Mommy before her…"
"But Charlotte is my only Mommy!" she insisted.
"No Princess…" Drew took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. He contemplated the most delicate way to say 'your mother died from a drug overdose' in terms that a toddler could understand and came up with "Your Mommy's name was Cynthia. She got sick soon after you were born and started losing her hair. Then she took too much of her medicine and went to sleep and never woke up…"
"Just like Cousin Tommy?"
"Yes, exactly like Cousin Tommy…" he ruffled her hair and bit his lip to keep himself from crying in front of his daughter.
"Daddy!" she giggled and swatted his hand away. "Stop it!"
Then the Finster Family came down and sat with them Miranda looking rather pale and a little sick. Drew took a look at her and said "Are you alright Miranda?"
She cradled her son in her lap and gave him a snack, saying "Oh I'm alright. It's just a little flu bug!" she laughed it off "Nothing to be concerned about!" she had her trademark smile on her face and her affection towards her family was clear.
Angelica had seen Chuckie a few times in the past for play dates, but nothing really stood out about his personality other than he was scared of everything. She would walk ahead of him and say "There's nothing to be afraid of! Come on!"
Chazz looked to her with concern and said "You've had 'just a little flu bug' for over a week now! Please have a doctor look at it!"
"Charles I've already scheduled an appointment with the doctor this morning. I'm going in a few days to get it looked it" she said with a hint of annoyance on her face. She hated it when her husband bought things out in the open for the world to see and hear.
He chuckled nervously and scratched the back of his neck "Sorry dear…" she softened and put her hand on his shoulder.
"Don't worry Charles…I don't plan on leaving you anytime soon!" and laid a kiss on his face.
The day of the doctor visit, his worst fears were confirmed- his wife had cancer. There was still time to treat it with chemotherapy and if worst comes to worst surgery to remove the cancerous cells. Things were going well in the beginning, but when Miranda started to lose her hair and in general became too weak to live at home the last resort was to have her live out her final days in the hospital. "Is there anything I can get you dear?" Charles would ask "Some food? Water? Juice?"
With the rest of her features sunken in and completely bald, the only thing that remained of her former self was her beautiful smile. In a weakened voice she said "No dear…the only thing I want is a diary…"
He didn't question his wife's wishes and went to buy her a book where she could write down her deepest thoughts. As the weeks went by, her condition worsened and she wouldn't allow anyone she was close to see her-even Charles and Chuckie. She didn't want them to remember her like this, even still Charles sat on the other side of the curtain the silhouette of his wife's bed and the nurse right by her side shining through the sun soaked room. "Charles…" she said in a barely audible voice "Charles?"
"I'm right here Miranda. What is it you need?"
"Where's Chuckie?"
"He's with Stu and Charloette at a play date with Angelica today" he said. Chuckie had been there a lot lately.
"Can you go get him please? I want to talk to him…" her sentence was cut short by her wheezing and the nurse rustling about to get the IV stand to administer more pain killers.
"Of course darling…" he reached behind the curtain and felt for his wife's hand. When he found it, it was boney and thin, the skin feeling like leather. None of that mattered to Charles, she was still beautiful to him no matter how she looked. As far as he was concerned he fell in love with Miranda, not her hair or her looks. He got up and looked for his keys, pausing before he looked back at the curtain "I love you, Miranda…"
"I love you too Charles…" she sighed softly.
Upon hearing the door close behind him, she turned to her nurse Kate. The young woman was just out of nursing school with a fresh outlook on life and death, her attentiveness to her every need was astounding. "Kate…I need you to do something for me…"
"What is it, Miranda?" the two women were on a first name basis, Kate having been involved in Miranda's care from the start.
"I know I'm going to die soon, but I need you to write a poem in my diary for me…"
"Don't say such things Miranda!" Kate scolded "You'll be back on your feet in no time!"
"I may be sick as a dog but I'm not stupid like one…" Miranda retorted back "We all know I'm dying sooner or later…" she let out a series of coughs and wheezes.
"What do you want me to do?" Kate asked, knowing her counseling skills didn't count for diddly squat.
"I'm going to tell you what to write, and you just write down my words for me. It's easy enough right?"
Katie took up the diary and pen "Ready when you are, Miranda…"
In the hour it took to drive to Drew's house and then back to the hospital, Miranda had passed. Kate was in the room cleaning up the body and preparing it for transport. She came out of the room, her eyes red and glazed over from crying a little. "Do you want to see her, Chazz?"
Every fiber of his being wanted to say 'Yes', throw back the curtain and throw himself over his wife and sob but he had promised her that he wouldn't and made it in her will to have a closed casket funeral and burial. "I respectfully decline" he said in a somber voice "I made a promise I wouldn't…"
Kate put a comforting hand on his shoulder and said "She had me write a poem for her in the diary…" she handed the book to him and continued "I think you should read it to Chuckie…"
The pain was still to raw and open to do so right this moment so he just took the diary and held onto his son for dear life. "I promise I won't ever let anything happen to you…"
But fate wasn't as kind to Charles Finster as it was to some other people. During a play date over at Drew's house, Angelica let out a wail of fright and frustration. Both Drew and Charlotte came running into the playroom to find their daughter crying in the corner and pointing to Chuckie who was in the midst of a seizure on the floor. "Oh Christ!" Drew said, taking up his wife business phone and calling an ambulance.
By the time Charles rushed into the hospital, he hadn't been given the full details about his son's condition so he went on raving "CHUCKIE! WHERE'S MY SON?! IS HE OKAY?!" The doctor had set him on a chair and explained that his son had a medical condition that caused the seizure to happen and put him in a coma. Chazz began to deny that any of this was happening then went in the room to see his son hooked up to tubes of various purposes.
He put his face against the glass and asked "Doc…will my son ever wake up?"
"There is a possibility he will. Even if he does he might have brain damage. It's your choice as his father to continue life support on machines or not, but it gets very costly very quick" the doctor explained.
"I wanna give him a chance at least…even if there's a slim one he'l make it I have to try!"
"Very well sir…" the doctor said and went away.
Four months of waiting by his son's bed side and his first birthday passing without him even knowing it proved no brain activity was taking place. Sure he had Stu, Didi, Drew, Charlotte, Angelica and his parents to comfort him, but the only comfort he had was seeing his son happy and healthy again. When the doctor came with his weekly report he explained "As last week, there is absolutely no brain activity in your son's body. It is evident that he'll never wake up" the doctor was growing tired of explaining the same thing to Charles every week but he had to keep it professional.
"Doc…" he said "I don't want my son to be a zombie anymore…I need you to pull the plug…"
For the first time in a while, the doctor showed sympathy to a patient "I understand… he might not go right away, it may take only minutes or days…"
"That's fine. At least…give me the chance to hold his hand while he goes…"
"Of course" the doctor agreed as he, Charles and a nurse went into the room and removed the life support machines from Chuckie.
After they had left to give the father/son duo some privacy, Charles held on tightly to his son's hand "I'm so sorry Chuckie…" he trembled, gripping the sheets from frustration "I promised I wouldn't let anything happen to you and yet here we are…"
A soft knock at the door and a familiar face was standing in it. "May I come in?" she asked softly, placing her hands on the door frame. "It's fine if you don't want me here, I'll understand."
"Hello Kate" Chazz said softly "Yes, you may come in…" he moved the hair from Chuckie's face "What brings you here?"
"I just thought you might want a familiar face with you…" she reached into her bag and produced the green diary "and to give you this…" she put it in his hands "I think it's time to read him the last page. Hearing is the last thing to go before…" she trailed off, not wanting to say it.
"Okay…let's give this a shot…" he opened the book, various flattened flowers falling out of the binding.
"No, you can read it after I leave…" she turned to go, but he gently grasped her hand to pull her back "I already know how it goes, Chazz…Miranda spoke it and I only wrote her words….they're not mine to hear now…"
"Please Kate…I don't want to be alone now…" he pleaded. She took pity on him so she stayed to listen to those words she wrote.
"My sweet little Chuckie, though I must leave you behind me.
This little poem will tell you where you always can find me.
When the gentle wind blows, that's my hand on your face.
When the tree gives you shade, that's my sheltering embrace.
When the sun gives you freckles, that's me tickling my boy.
When the rain wets your hair, those are my tears of joy.
When the long grass enfolds you, that's me holding you tight.
When the bluebird sings, that's me whispering 'Good night'"
The both of them were crying openly, and they hugged each other tightly. Then, they both heard a satisfied sigh from the bed and a gentle smile came across Chuckie's face, his buck teeth showing fully with a small grin. The moment was broken by the sound of his heart monitor going in a loud, monotone beep. Chazz knew his son was gone, but all the arrangements had been made in advance save for the actual dates and times. He would be laid to rest next to his mother Miranda overlooking their favorite picnic spot on the beach.
Kate looked at him and said "Hey, do you need a place to stay a few days? I have a guest room at my place you can use" she offered her hand to lift him up.
"That'd be great, thanks" he then went to the nurse's station to report the death of his son.
Betty and Harriet Deville were domestic partners, as much in love as any couple they knew. They adopted no kids and they planned to keep it that way, the both of them deciding on the issue and coming to a mutual agreement. They saw the emotional times their friends were going through and sympathized with them, cried with them, laughed with them but deep down they were glad that it wasn't happening to them. That is when karma became a complete bitch.
Betty was out for a twilight jog like she usually did in the warm months and was attacked from behind, the assailant tearing off her sweatpants and doing unimaginable things to her. When it was all said and done, he tossed her a hundred dollar bill and said "Thanks for the quickie babe…here's for your trouble…" running into the night never being caught. Betty stumbled into the police station; battered, bruised, bloodied and nude from the waist down. The cops didn't even have to ask what happened, they just cursed under their breath and took her to the hospital. Harriet was asleep when she got the call about the rape, so she came into the hospital in nothing but a nightgown and a single bunny slipper. "BETTY DEVILLE!" she shouted and was pointed to a room where her partner was being held.
Betty laid in her bed silent, the blood cleaned up from her wounds but the swelling had just begun. Harriet had thrown herself at Betty and hugged her tightly "IM SO SORRY BABY!" she wailed and Betty stroked her hair.
"Hey now…it's nothing I'm not used too…" she said, referring to her past experiences with her father's abuse. "There's no need to cry…" soon they heard the pitter patter of little feet and knew that the only small child in their lives was on her way down the hall with her father. One look and they both agreed to not speak about what happened to Betty.
She peeked around the corner and said "Hi Betty! Hi Howard!" the name 'Howard' was reserved for Harriet. Why Angelica thought Harriet was a man they never knew but they played along with it at the urging of the girl's father. Harriet helped the little girl onto the bed so she could cuddle with Betty, who she viewed as a cool older sister. "What happened to you?"
"Well Angelica, I was out for a jog when a man came up behind me and was really mean to me" she explained. "He started to hit me but I got in a few good licks of my own!" she embellished that last bit, to make herself sound less pathetic. She didn't want to look weak in front of the little girl and at the same time she didn't want Harriet to see that this was affecting her more than she let on.
"Why was he mean to you?" she asked.
"Some people think that they're entitled to certain things that they really aren't" upon the girl's confused look she said "Entitled means that people think that they deserve something based on their social status or gender…" Drew rolled his eyes and walked out into the hallway.
A few weeks after being discharged from the hospital, Betty was getting up in the morning to vomit and was experiencing some strange cravings. It was in the middle of a peanut butter and prune ice cream sundae that she realized something "Oh god no…" she rushed herself to the doctor for an emergency visit and it was confirmed that she was pregnant. Harriet was asking her to re-think the whole not wanting to adopt kids thing, but she stood her stance on the no kid policy. After what she had experienced with all those years of her father's abuse and her mother not being there emotionally for her she had a fear that she would screw a kid up.
"From the look of it and putting your wishes of not having a child into play Miss Deville, you have two options" the doctor took out two pamphlets-one about abortion and another about adoption "choose wisely, Miss Deville. Whatever you want to do is your choice…"
"I gotta talk it over with Harriet first…" she hated that she had to speak with her lover about the issue but it was what they promised to do with each other when they exchanged their vows at the courthouse. She walked in the door and called "Harriet? Ya here baby?"
The other woman came out of the kitchen in an apron, walking up to Betty and giving her a light kiss on the cheek. "So what did the doctor say?"
"I'm pregnant…" Betty quickly said, the other woman sliding down into a chair by the table to catch her breath. Betty poured them both some water and let the facts sink in- she was pregnant with her rapist's child.
"What do you want to do Betty?" she asked.
"I want to get an abortion…" she said, not looking up from her plate of steak and potatoes.
Harriet was against such notions but in extreme circumstances such as this one she had to contemplate it a moment. "Have you thought of putting it up for adoption?"
"Yes, I have. I'm just so scared it could come out just as fucked up as my parents are" she rubbed her belly like a mother would, but the feeling of maternal love wasn't there. "Or retarded or dead…"
"Betty just because your parents had major problems doesn't mean the baby will too…" Harriet was raised in a Christian home, and despite having been disowned for loving a person of the same gender she still held onto most of the beliefs.
"Please, Harriet" she reached for her girlfriend's hands with tears welling in her eyes "Don't make me look at the kid and only be reminded of what it felt like to be violated in such a way…"
Harriet couldn't help but agree with her, so she took her hands and cried with her "Okay Betty…I'll schedule an appointment for an overnight stay in the hospital so we can have privacy…"
The next few days went by quietly and the day came when the procedure took place. Upon her recovery Betty woke to find Harriet reading a book. God she looked beautiful with the light shining on her hair, the glasses shaping her face into a nice oval. She looked up from her book and noticed Betty was coming to "Hey hon, how are you feeling?"
"Really sore…" she grunted, pulling herself up. A few moments of silence and she asked "Babe…you hate me, don't you?"
Harriet was genuinely shocked by the question and responded "No! I could never hate you, Betty! I love you!"
"It's just…" she took a moment to collect her thoughts "that these past few days you haven't spoken much to me or looked me in the eye…"
Harriet was ashamed that her behavior had been noticed and she said "I'm sorry Betty…I was just raised that when a woman became pregnant that it was her duty to raise the child…"
"What about the father? What's his duty other than getting his sperm to the egg?" Betty was getting a little irritated with Harriet's mentioning of the Bible, but she respected the fact that her partner still believed in a higher power as long as Harriet respected her choice not to believe in anything.
Harriet remained silent, seeing that this would be a battle she would lose.
It was around this time when Susie Carmicheal came along, the only child that everyone could see and feel. The African-American girl was about Angelica's age, if not a few months older or younger and the two hit it off right away. She introduced her to the babies, all of which gave a friendly 'hello'. Susie couldn't see them yet, but she played along with "Don't worry Angelica! I have imaginary friends too!" and proceeded to introduce her 'friends' to the babies.
Angelica got a new Barbie doll for her third birthday, a pretty blonde doll with a painted smile wearing an orange and red dress. She took the plaything into her room and quietly played with it all morning, the last game she played with it before her family came over to celebrate was 'hair dresser'. She crudely cut the doll's hair, leaving bald spots on the scalp. Her father came in and said "Princess? It's time to get ready for your party!"
The last snip of her scissors came and she ran to her father "Look Daddy! I made her pretty!"
Drew couldn't help but smile at his daughter's barber skills and said "Oh my! You did such a great job!"
"Cynthia looks so pretty now!" she hopped down from her chair and got the party dress her parents had the gotten for her.
Drew was taken aback "Cynthia?" the realization hit him like a ton of bricks-the doll looked like his first wife Cynthia, who died of a drug overdose shortly after Angelica was born and was confirmed that she had been taking narcotics when she was pregnant. He shook the thought from his mind and said "Sweetheart, there are a few things I want to talk to you about…"
"Yes Daddy?" the little girl came out in her tiny white and pink party dress with .bows and ribbons.
"You remember the Deville's right?"
"Of course Daddy! Betty is like a cool big sister to me!"
"Well, they just lost a baby" he took the girl onto his lap and she gasped.
"Like with Aunt Didi and Uncle Stu?"
"Not exactly…" he cleared his throat "There was something wrong with the baby so they had to take it out of Betty's belly."
Angelica was trying to understand the world of adults too fast for her pace but she didn't let on that she didn't quite get it. "Is that something I shouldn't bring up when they get here, Daddy?"
Drew couldn't be prouder of his daughter than he was at this moment "Exactly Princess. And do you remember what happened to your playmate Chuckie?"
"He got really sick…" that was all she could remember.
"It's not nice to talk about that with Mr. Chazz when he gets here. He's really nervous about everything these days so it's polite not to bring up Mrs. Melinda or Chuckie just yet.."
"I understand Daddy…" she kissed her father's cheek and greeted her guests at the door.
Uncle Stu and Aunt Didi were unusually cheery for some reason and when the time came to reveal that reason, it came as a pleasant surprise to the family "Everyone!" Didi announced, Stu holding her by his side lovingly "Stu and I are having a baby!"
There were roars of congratulations and hoorahs, but Angelica's attention turned elsewhere when she saw four babies in her playroom playing with her toys. She recognized two of them right away- Cousin Tommy and Chuckie were tossing a ball back and forth while a set of twins were arguing with themselves over who would play with the blocks. "It's my turn Phillip!"
"Nuh-uh Lillian!" he retorted with tossing one of the blocks over the side of the playpen to keep it away from his sister. She then started to wail, which caused all the other babies to scream as well, the sound made Angelica get a headache and soon she couldn't bear it anymore.
"SHUT UP YOU STUPID BABIES!" with that, all the babies present in the room ran out into the hallway, where Angelica followed them but were nowhere to be found. Drew came to pick up his daughter.
"Who were you yelling at and why Princess?"
"The babies in my room Daddy! They wouldn't stop screaming!" she said, her father was confused as to what babies she was talking about but dismissed it as an imaginary friend case.
"Okay but could you keep it down? Mommy's trying to sleep" he put his finger over his mouth to punctuate silence is golden.
Ironically almost an entire year went by without a bad incident, Charles going on a trip to Paris where he met a lovely Japanese woman named Kira and her daughter Kimi and almost got married to a fashionista named Coco but married Kira instead. He was still a nervous wreck but after he met Kira and Kimi he seemed to be getting better.
The babies were trying to get Chuckie's daddy to not get married to Coco, and they almost didn't make it without the help of giant robot Reptar. Angelica was promised her own parade and when Coco didn't deliver, she helped them crash the wedding with Chuckie shouting "NO!" at the top of his lungs at just the right moment and Coco's behavior did the rest.
In actuality, Angelica crashed the wedding during "If there's a reason these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace" screaming that she wanted her parade and if she couldn't have one then a wedding between Charles and Coco wouldn't be happening either. Coco huffed, stamped right up to Angelica and slapped her across the face and sending her to the floor. All the adults gasped while Chazz had been witnessing the true colors of the woman he was about to marry for himself.
"Coco! The wedding is off! I refuse to be with someone who would hit a child!" Kira came running in with Kimi in her arms and with that, Charles and Kira were married. In the months that followed, Chazz spent his days baby proofing the house for Kimi.
"Chazz dear, Kimi is a baby not an animal!" Kira laughed, picking up her child from the fenced off stove top area.
"I know Kira, but I'm so nervous that she'll get hurt or something!"
"Oh darling…" she said, hugging him. They had talked about Miranda and Chuckie all the time and Kira didn't mind one bit. He had been through a lot in the past few years and the least she could do was listen to his stories and comfort him.
When Dillan came along, he cried a whole lot and no matter how much Angelica shouted at him to stop screaming he wouldn't go away like the rest of the babies did. It was at a family party that things got too out of control when the adults tried a new parenting method of letting him cry it out or the self-soothing method. He wailed for a good ten minutes with the 'I want attention play with me' scream but then it turned into his 'I'm hurt come get me' cry.
They all ran into the play room to find that Angelica was hitting Dillan in the head to try and stop him from crying. Stu ran over and tossed the girl across the room to check on his son, only to find that she had single handedly caused his cranium to become deformed and the boy himself was unresponsive. "Dil!" he shouted as his second son was turning blue from lack of oxygen. "DIL!" Drew quickly called an ambulance and the child was taken to the ICU right away.
After life saving measures were taken, the doctors told the Pickles' family the extent of their findings "We managed to revive your son, but the lack of oxygen killed brain cells and the malformed head will be permanent" Didi and Stu looked at each other for a long while.
"Does that mean our son will have mental challenges?" Didi asked.
"Possibly. We can't say for sure until he's older and starts developing…"
Stu sighed and said "Thank you doctor…if you'll excuse me I gotta call my brother…"
Didi took a hold of his arm and said "Now Stu don't do anything rash…"
"Oh don't worry Di…" he said with an unfamiliar coldness "I won't" he reached the pay phone and dialed Drew's number.
Charlotte answered the phone with "Hello? Stu? How's Dillan?"
"He'll live Char. Put Drew on the phone. Now" his authoritative voice was more of a command than a request, and she did as she was told.
"Stu? How's the little guy?" said Drew.
"Listen to me good cause I'm only gonna say this once: Never bring your little monster around my family again, Drew. I don't want to look at her or even talk about her, until you get her some psychological help don't even THINK of contacting me or Didi. Goodbye Drew" he slammed the phone down onto the hook so hard it fell off.
By the time Drew was done telling the long story about Angelica's mental illness, it was almost dark outside. Susie had turned her phone off so they couldn't be interrupted and Drew had done the same, both of them getting lost in memories. It wasn't until Charlotte burst in the area shouting that she was here to find her husband. When she spotted him, she marched straight up to him and slapped him so hard it left a five fingered red mark on his face. "Who do you think you are telling me you want a divorce?!"
"Charlotte, now's not the time to discuss this…" Drew was getting a migrane and irritated.
"Now is the perfect time to discuss this!" she shouted "We've just lost our daughter! We need to be together now!"
He was losing his cool faster than normal and slammed his fist against the table "For Christ's sake Char! What was her middle name?!"
Charlotte stopped and thought about it, and realized she couldn't answer that simple question. It's not like she didn't love Angelica like her own daughter, but she didn't know how to relate to her despite the girl looking up to her and thinking that she was her birth mother all these years.
"What's the matter Char? I can't hear you. Would you like to buy a vowel?" he mocked her, making her look even more like a dingbat. "It's Marie you stupid woman!"
Susie had enough of their bickering and interloped with "It's Margot! Her middle name was Margot you morons!" both adults were dumbfounded and Drew remembered that his first wife Cynthia wanted the name Margot in there somewhere so it was decided that it would be the middle name.
"Oh dear God…" Drew choked and needed to sit down. He had gotten so busy that he forgot his daughter's middle name. "I'm a terrible father…"
Susie softened her expression with "I'm sorry but I shouldn't have yelled. Now that you've shared your story with me, let me share mine. The both of you need to hear this…"
Now let's fast forward ten years. After intense therapy and medication, Angelica was deemed fit to re-enter society. She spent the last ten years being homeschooled under the care of Dr. Lipshitz (as was recommended by Didi). Being thirteen now, Angelica still kept in touch with Susie over the years and played together. It makes things much harder to fit in when you're the new kid in school without much interactions between other kids your own age, but Susie was well liked so Angelica's mind was put to rest.
She roamed the halls for the first few months with Susie and a few of the girl's other friends, but she didn't feel like she had fit in with the goodie-goodies. While they talked about boys and make-up, it felt like she was being drowned in her own inexperience. Being homeschooled was not something she'd readily admit to but if she was asked about it she didn't see any reason to lie about it. It was when she spotted a group of leather wearing kids dressed in dark colors and smelled the smoke coming from under the bleachers in the football field that she grew curious. One look at her and the leader grunted "Oh great another one of those goody-two-shoes like Carmichael!" he blew smoke in her face and asked "What are ya gonna rat on us too?"
Angelica backed away and said "No! What you do is your business!"
The leader laughed and said "Hey you just might be alright girl! What's your name?"
She looked suspiciously at him and said "Angelica Pickles…"
"Tony Green" he took her hand and kissed it "Pleasure to meet ya, mademoiselle" he gave a small wink to her and she couldn't help but blush. "You wanna hit? It's just some pot" he lifted the blunt to her and she just stared at it for a while. She knew her medication would make a bad mixture with this stuff, but she heard the rest of the group chanting her name until she snatched the thing in her thumb and pointer finger and took a big drag, almost all the way to the tip. When she exhaled she let out a hard cough, causing the group to laugh.
"Hey shut up!" she laughed with them "It was my first time!"
Susie got the feeling that Angelica was being intentionally left out of hanging out by her other friends, and when she bought it up with them, they all scoffed and complained that she was such a downer and that she was so depressing. "Not cool girls" she said, gathering her things "feel free to call me whenever you melt from being frigid bitches" she was walking back by the football field when she heard the ruffians laughing. But what got her attention was Angelica's voice. Without skipping a beat she looked under the bleachers and was shocked by what she saw.
The group and Angelica jumped when Susie suddenly grabbed her by the wrist and dragged her away. She was surprisingly strong and Angelica couldn't break free until Susie practically threw her in the locker room with "Are you crazy Angelica?! What are you doing hanging around them?!"
"Hey I came there by accident and they're not so bad!" she defended her newfound group of friends that she could hang out with.
"Those stupid pot heads couldn't care about going to class much less you!" her nose wrinkled at the smell of weed coming from Angelica's clothes.
Angelica got a whiff too, and she started freaking out "How are we gonna hide the smell from my parents?!"
With a cocked eyebrow Susie said "What do you mean 'we'?" she turned around and left Angelica in the locker room by herself.
A few weeks passed and Susie outright refused to speak or even look at Angelica again. Angelica was ashamed that she did what she did and kept to herself until the same group of kids pulled her aside with their leader "You're lookin' awful lonely Angel Face. Why don't you hang with us?" She was about to respectfully decline when she locked eyes with Susie in the background. The other girl wanted to see what she would do, but she hoped beyond hope that she'd do the right thing, but Angelica graciously accepted the invitation just to spite Susie.
A few more weeks passed when one night, Angelica came over to Susie's house very late. She was intoxicated to the point where she stumbled and needed to hold onto the wall for support. She obnoxiously rang the doorbell until Mr. Carmichael answered the door very angry to be woken up at such and ungodly hour. He was certainly surprised to see the Angelica Pickles his daughter played with all those years ago, a hot mess right on his front porch. The smell of vodka and marijuana permeated her personal space bubble when she took a good look at her surroundings "This ain't my house…" she turned to stumble away when Mr. Carmichael gently took her inside and called her house. There was no answer, and she just laughed "No one's home! Mom's at a conference and Dad's at a weekend getaway with Uncle Stu and Grandpa Lou!"
"So, you're drunk, high and have no place to go?" he rubbed his temples and sighed "there's a guest bedroom upstairs. It used to be Susie's sister's room. Go sleep it off and try not to puke on my new carpet!"
Susie was so mortified to see Angelica looking the way she did in the morning. She was looking pale and thin-dangerously thin with her clothes hanging off her body. Her make-up was messy and smeared with her hair matted and tangled. It felt like Susie was being stabbed in the heart to see Angelica like this and she said "Angelica…please stop this…"
The blonde girl looked up from her morning coffee and jutted her thumb at the corner of the room "Could you get the squirts something to eat while you're up? They say they're hungry" Susie looked in the direction of the finger point only to see the wall at the opposite side of the room with family portraits and no actual people.
"Angelica, who are you talking about? It's only us two here!"
"You know- my cousin Tommy, his friend Chuckie and the twins Phil and Lil? The kids we grew up with?"
Susie felt a tremor go through her body, this happened before when they were little "Angelica…those people aren't real…"
Angelica had a massive hangover so she didn't argue with Susie over the issue but she said "So what is it you want me to stop?"
"Behaving like a wild child" Susie put her hand on Angelica's. It was boney and the skin felt like leather, with sores starting to open on her arms. "It's going to kill you one day!"
"Hey, we can't live forever" she smiled "I'm gonna enjoy life by every second I got!"
"That don't mean you can poison yourself with all these drugs! Plus they're messing with your mind!"
"Hey, you can be a good girl if you want, but don't tell me what to do! You're not my mother!" she got up and left, slamming the door behind her.
At school, Angelica completely ignored Susie, despite the girl's best attempts to save her friend from herself. It got to the point where Angelica had filed stalking complaints against Susie with the school and she was put on suspension for a week. It was the last day of her suspension that the Carmichaels got a call from Drew Pickles. "Susie, honey can you come down here please?" her mother called from the kitchen. She could hear the nervousness in her mother's voice, and Susie already knew.
"She's dead, isn't she?"
Absolute silence was her answer and it was all she needed to confirm her fears. Her expression darkened as she tried to control her sobs-if there was one thing she prided herself on was her self-control but her father hugged her tightly "Just let it go, baby…" she did as she was told-her screams shook the very foundations of her house, cracking every pane of glass along the way.
The Pickles' were in tears-Susie had to witness their daughter's self-destruction as they were oblivious to what was going on. She had a burden that wasn't hers to bear, yet she maintained herself and suffered in silence. "Oh Susie…" they wanted to say that they were sorry for not being there for their child and that she had to witness such horrors but Mr. Carmichael pulled up and honked for his daughter to come out.
"Sorry, that's my ride" she said, gathering her things and turning to go.
Drew held onto his wife tenderly and said "Can we call you sometime?"
With a sad smile, Susie said "Sure" and turned her back on them, deep down knowing that the calls would never happen.