"Very well," the demon growled. "We will return...your soul."
The demon reached out his hand and touched Spike's chest. Spike arched his back, yelling out in pain and frustration. He felt as though his body was being torn apart, but it was nothing compared to the agonising tortures burning through his mind. Visions of blood and screams of pain all mixed in with the blackness that was slowly creeping up on him. He longed to give in to it, but the demon's voice cut through his thoughts, keeping him from his escape.
"Soon enough you'll sleep in the darkness of guilt," it said. "Lost in your dreams and memories. The only way out will be to fight the demons inside you. Only then will you truly be free."
Spike heard the words but they had no meaning to him. Pain...so much pain. He had to stop it. He clasped his hands on either side of his head and screamed. The demon watched, indifferent to the suffering before him. He'd seen it all before. The returning of one's soul was not a pleasant experience. Not many survived the experience. They remained trapped in their minds. Forever lost in the midst of their dreams and memories, never knowing what was real and what was imagined. They never woke up. He wondered if the vampire in front of him would.
Slowly he raised his hand and waved it in front of the vampire's face as he chanted softly. There was a flash of pale blue light, and Spike was gone.
~*~
His own : ''It won't let me be a monster...''
Buffy : ''Ask me again why I can never love you...''
His own : ''And I can't be a man...''
Cecily : ''You're nothing to me William...''
His own : ''What's a slayer...slayer...slayer...?''
Buffy : ''It would never be you Spike...''
Voices. All around him. They mocked and taunted him. He couldn't block them out.
Drusilla : ''Do you want it...want it...want it...?''
His own : ''Here now, have a taste...''
Drusilla : ''My little Spike just killed himself a slayer...''
His own : ''You always hurt the ones you love...''
"Make 'em stop," Spike moaned. "Make 'em stop."
Thomas : ''Have you heard, they call him William the Bloody...the Bloody...the Bloody..."
His own : ''Its Spike now...Spike now...Spike now...''
He opened his eyes. Darkness surrounded him and in the darkness, the voices called to him. He tried to move, but his legs wouldn't obey. He was frozen to the spot, forced to listen to his tormentors.
Drusilla : ''Angel always knows what speaks to a girl's heart...''
Harmony : ''How's my little blondie bear...?''
Buffy : "I'm sorry...William...''
~*~
Clem found him when he returned to the crypt. At first he didn't understand what was happening. Spike had left. He said he'd be gone for a long time. Why had he returned so soon? He tried waking him up, but Spike couldn't be roused. Something was wrong with him and Clem couldn't do this alone. He needed help...from Buffy. But would she help Spike?
~*~
"But Giles, he will be ok?"
"Yes Wills," Xander softly said for what seemed the hundredth time. "He'll be just fine."
Willow lay her head back down on her arms. As her eyes closed, she thought over everything that had happened. How could Giles, Buffy, anyone forgive her for what she had done? She had lost it in the worst way possible. She had tried to kill them all. She had tried to kill everyone. She was worse than the Master. Worse than the mayor. She was worse than everything they had spent the last few years fighting against. And then even if they could forgive her, how would she ever forgive herself? She felt the hot tears forming behind her eyes. Not now, she prayed. She had done nothing but cry for the past few hours. Tara was dead. She was gone and nothing and no-one could bring her back. She was alone...again.
Xander's heart broke as he watched the slender redhead fighting back her pain. He had stopped her from ending everyone's pain, but now she was trapped in her own. Losing Tara was killing her and he could do nothing but watch her. What could he possibly say to take the pain away? He had never lost anyone he loved to the depths Willow had loved Tara. Except maybe Anya, but he still had a slim shred of hope that she would forgive him and love him again. True, she was a vengeance demon again, but what relationship didn't have a few problems? Willow had dated a werewolf before finding out she was really a lesbian who was in love with another witch. And then there was Buffy. She seemed to have a major thing for bloodsucking monsters, namely Angel and then Spike.
He still didn't get it. Spike? He was evil and English and...evil. So he had been "fixed" by the Initiative and now could no longer hurt humans, but if the day ever came that he could, Xander didn't think of one minute any of them would be safe. After all, Angel went after them all when he lost his soul and Miss Calendar died all because he wanted to get to Buffy and hurt her. Would it be any different with Spike if he ever woke up one night and found out that everyone was on the menu again? Somehow Xander doubted it. He had watched the way Spike had manipulated his way into their circle and then wormed his way into Buffy's bed. He had also seen what Spike had done to Buffy when she rejected him. He was still a monster regardless of that chip. Maybe the others were willing to forget that he had been a monster and killer for over a century, but he hadn't and never would.
He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't hear Buffy walk up behind him.
"Hey," she said softly.
"Jeeze Buff, I'm ordering a bell for your neck too," Xander said.
"Scared ya huh?" she laughed.
"No comment," was his reply as he settled himself back on his chair.
She glanced over to where Willow sat curled up in a corner of the Magic Box. It was hard to find anywhere safe in the destruction, but she had found a spot.
"How is she?" Buffy asked.
"About how you would expect. She just lost the one she loves, killed a man, almost killed Giles, tried to kill us and everyone, destroy the planet and has to deal with the fact that she can never pull off having black hair. She's peachy."
Buffy shot Xander a filthy look as she cleared off a chair and sat down beside him.
"Stupid question I guess," she sighed. "I just don't know what to do or say or...anything. How do we move on and help her?"
Xander wrapped his arms around her. "I dunno Buff. She's strong though. We just have to give her time and be here for her when she needs us."
"How did you get so smart?" she asked as she rested her head down on his shoulder.
"I learnt from the best," he whispered.
Buffy smiled. They had all had their ups and downs, more than most people, but they had always had each other to turn to. Xander was right. They would all be here for Willow too.
"Has Anya been back?" she asked changing the subject.
Xander shook his head. "I haven't seen her since..."
"Yeah. She came through for us all. I just wanted to thank her for what she did for Giles. Maybe all vengeance demons aren't bad after all," she said with a little smile.
"I can't believe she went back to that," Xander said. "I know I hurt her, but I love her and maybe, just maybe, we still had a shot."
"You still do. She loves you or she wouldn't have stayed around and helped out. She couldn't leave Sunnydale. She couldn't leave you."
"I wish I could believe you Buffy, but I have to accept its over. Its really over."
"I'm sorry," Buffy said softly.
They could do nothing but wait and hold each other. Wait for something, anything to happen that would make everything ok again. Make it all go back to what they had had before Tara's death, before Anya went back to her old vengeance ways, before Willow joined her on that kick and before...this. But nothing could.
A loud crash from behind them broke the uneasy silence and startled everyone.
"Clem? What are you doing here, and in daylight?" Buffy asked.
"Wow, it must have been some sale," the demon said as he looked around at the destruction of the store. "Or just redecorating? You know, my cousin was a decorator. She could do amazing things with shrunken heads, cobwebs and..."
"That's all very nice and if we need a nice demonic makeover for the shop, we'll be sure to give her a call," quipped Xander.
Buffy shot him another one of her looks as she rose from her chair and wandered over to Clem. "What are you doing here?" she asked again.
Demons, especially ones who looked like Clem just didn't wander around during daylight hours. Something had to be very wrong to bring him out at this time of day. Very wrong.
"Oh right," he said. "Its Spike."
"He's back?" Buffy asked quietly.
"He left?"
Buffy looked back at Xander. She hadn't told him about Spike's disappearance from Sunnydale. She knew how he felt about the blonde vampire and wasn't needing yet another one of his smart comments. She wasn't sure how she felt about him either. She hadn't loved him, but in those few weeks, she had grown almost...fond of him. He'd been there for her when she'd needed someone to talk to. He had been the only person who understood how she'd been feeling, how hard everything was for her being back and he'd never wanted anything in return. Except her love and she'd been unable to give it to him.
"I'll just shut up now then," Xander said.
Buffy turned back to Clem. "What about Spike?"
"Something's wrong," the demon continued. "He's back and I can't wake him."
"Wake him? What do you mean you can't wake him?" she asked.
Clem heard the worry in her voice. Maybe he had done the right thing in coming here after all. Buffy did care.
"He has...wounds, but they aren't like anything I have seen before and I tried to wake him up. I shook him, shouted, jumped up and down on him but he wouldn't wake up. I thought, well, you know stuff, I thought you could help..."
"Help Spike?" Xander blurted out. "Are you kidding? He's a monster."
"Xander, please," Buffy snapped.
"No Buffy. How can you forget everything he has done? What he did to you."
"We have to help him," she said softly. "Otherwise, we'll be no better than he is."
"Well count me out. You may be blind to what he is and what he's done, but I remember everything. I can't be there when this goes wrong and he finally hurts you. I just can't do it."
"Then I will be there," came a small voice from behind them.
They all turned and saw Willow.
"I thought you were sleeping," Xander said.
"I was," she replied. "You forgive me right?"
"Of course I do, but you're Willow. You aren't some evil, bloodsucking vampire who wants nothing more than to kill us all starting with Buffy if he had the chance."
"No," she smiled softly. "I just killed Warren and tried to kill everyone on the planet."
"That's different," Xander started to say, but Willow cut him off.
"How is it different?" she asked.
"Tara," he replied.
"Yes, Tara. I was in pain and so devastated by her loss, but I knew what I was doing and I didn't care. Spike is a demon. He has something inside him that makes him do all those things. He wasn't always... He needs help."
Buffy walked over and wrapped her arms around her friend.
"We'll help him," she said.
Xander watched silently as they followed Clem out of the Magic Box.
"Dammit," he yelled as he slammed his fist down on the table.
~*~
He was trapped with them. Trapped with the voices that wouldn't stop. Voices from his past. He had to be dreaming. But why couldn't he wake up? Why wasn't someone waking him up? They were driving him mad. He could hear Drusilla's soft voice taunting him in that crazy way of hers.
Drusilla : "Why...why won't you push her away?"
His own : "I made a promise to a lady."
Drusilla : "This one has power...power...power."
He had loved her once. Once, but no longer. All his thoughts were consumed with the slayer. With Buffy. He loved her.
His own : "I'm drowning in you Summers..."
Buffy : "I'm disgusted with myself..."
His own : "The girl needs some monster in her man..."
~*~
"How long has he been like this?" Buffy asked Clem.
"I found him like this when I woke up," he replied. "I don't know."
Buffy looked at the wounds on Spike's chest. Burns, bites and a blue handprint over his heart.
She pulled his shirt closed and drew Willow aside.
"Have you ever seen or come across anything like this in your research with Giles?" she asked.
Willow shook her head. "No never. Is he...dead?"
Buffy let out a small laugh. "He's been dead for over a hundred years Wills."
"Yeah I know that, but is it like when Faith tried to kill Angel? Is it a magical spell or something that only kills vampires?"
Angel. She hadn't thought about him for months. Not since she had gone to see him. He'd almost died...again...all to keep Buffy distracted from what Faith and the Mayor were trying to do. But Spike hadn't been wounded like Angel. This, whatever it was, was something different. Something they hadn't seen before.
"No, its not like Angel," Buffy said. "Maybe Giles would know."
Willow felt a wave of guilt wash over her.
"We should let him rest," she said.
Buffy turned back to look at Spike.
"We need more help from someone who knows about these things, and Giles is..."
"Anya."
"Giles is Anya?"
Willow rolled her eyes. "No, Anya knows this stuff. She's been a demon for over a thousand years. If anyone knows what's happening to Spike, maybe its her."
"She has a point," Clem said.
"Thank you," smiled Willow. "At least someone agrees with me."
"Its not that I disagree with you Will," she said as she walked back to Spike's bedside. "I just don't know where she is."
"I could call her," Willow said quietly.
"You can do that? Cool."
Willow smiled at the demon. She liked him.
"I can do that."
"Then do it," Buffy whispered as she gently stroked her fingers over Spike's forehead.
Willow was about to do just that when Buffy's shocked scream halted her in her steps. She ran over to the bed where Spike lay with Buffy sitting beside him.
"Buff, what is it?" she asked.
Buffy looked up at her friend with shock evident in her eyes.
"He's...warm."
~*~
"You came back."
Xander dropped the broom he'd been using to clear the floor of the Magic Box.
"What is it with you people and sneaking up on me?" he asked.
"I didn't think anyone would be here," Anya said looking around at her destroyed shop.
"Where else would we be?" Xander asked.
"At the hospital, with Giles or at Buffy's or anywhere but here," she said as she cautiously made her way through the rubble covering the floor.
"I couldn't leave this place like this," he said. "I couldn't let you come back to...this."
Anya shrugged. "I've seen worse."
But Xander could see the pain in her eyes. This had been somewhere where she'd felt safe and useful. Even if she wouldn't admit it to him, Anya was hurting from the destruction of the Magic Box.
"You know," he said, picking up the broom again, "its not really that bad. The place could use a makeover. New shelves, a better counter and a good tidy up and it'll be better than ever."
A small smile played on Anya lips. "You think so?"
Xander nodded. "Sure. I never liked how Giles had the books over there and the amulets there and the counter, talk about shoddy workmanship."
"Do you think...you could fix it?" Anya asked in a small voice.
"Hey you are talking to Xander Harris, builder extraordinaire."
"I can't pay you much," the old Anya spirit was sneaking back in now. "I don't think the insurance covers witches going nuts after losing their girlfriends and trying to destroy the world starting here."
Xander chuckled. "It doesn't matter. I owe you this much."
"Yes you do, and more," Anya grinned.
"There's the Anya I know and love," he said.
Anya pretended she hadn't heard him. It still hurt how he'd abandoned her, but she still loved him.
~*~
"But he's dead," Willow exclaimed. "How can he be warm?"
Buffy reached out her hand and touched his forehead again. He was warm.
"I dunno Will, but he is. Please, call Anya. Something is very wrong here and we need to know what is going on."
Willow nodded and knelt down on the ground. She drew in the dirt and then began softly chanting.
"If we're having company, I had better check if there are any doritos left," Clem said walking away from the girls and over to where Spike had his 'kitchen'.
Buffy smiled. Poor Clem, she thought to herself. He was just as confused as they were, but he always meant well. There was nothing they could do but wait and hope that Willow's chant would work and that Anya knew what was wrong with Spike.
~*~
"Maybe have a mural on the wall," Anya said looking around the shop imagining all the possibilities open to her now. "With lots of unicorns and fairies and..."
"Bunnies?" Xander just couldn't resist.
The small scream from Anya followed by the book hitting his head shut him up. It was almost like how it had been before.
"Next time chuck a smaller book," he laughed as he stooped over to pick it up.
"You deserved it," Anya said, poking out her tongue. "You know bunnies scare me."
"And I still don't get why. Bunnies? What's that about?"
"Long story."
"I'm not going anywhere," he said looking around. "For a very long time."
"First time for everything," Anya said under her breath.
"Did you say something?"
Anya shook her head. This was the first time since the incident with Spike that they had been able to look at each other and have a civilised conversation. She had missed it, and him. Silently she started picking up the books scattered all over the floor.
Then she heard it. The soft call summoning her. She hated to leave Xander now that things were starting to improve between them, but she had returned to her old job and vengeance never slept.
"I have to go."
Xander stopped what he'd been doing. "Go? Where?"
She couldn't meet his eyes. "Work."
"But you're already...oh."
The penny dropped.
"I guess we really are that bad huh?" he said trying to smile.
"Not all of you," she replied. "You just make stupid choices."
"Yeah. You'd better go. I'll try to clear up a bit more before heading home."
"Thank you," she said softly as she disappeared.
"Anytime baby," he whispered as he watched her go.
~*~
Buffy sat watching Willow chanting. This had to work. She hoped Anya would know something to help Spike. Even after what he'd tried to do to her, she still felt like it was all her fault. She'd known how he felt about her and she'd slept with him knowing that he thought it meant more than it did to her. It hadn't stopped her though. Some small part of her felt at peace with him. If this was what her life was going to be, who better than Spike to share it with. But after Riley had seen them together and finding out that Spike hadn't changed, she couldn't do it anymore. She couldn't keep on using him that way. It was her insecurities that pushed her into his arms that last time. Her insecurities about never having anyone who loved her, wanted her and needed her. She'd seen how happy Riley was with his wife and it had hurt more than she wanted to admit to herself. At least she always had Spike to fall back on. But it wasn't fair to him, or to her.
She almost laughed at that thought. She was worried about a vampire's feelings? True he'd been there for her when no-one else understood how she felt, he'd been the one she could turn to when everything seemed hard or hopeless, and he had looked out for Dawn. She owed him something. But she couldn't love him.
"No more doritos," Clem said as he returned to the bedside.
Buffy smiled. "Its ok Clem. I don't think Anya will mind."
"Is Spike going to be ok?" he asked.
"I wish I knew," Buffy replied. "I wish I knew what was wrong with him. Did he say anything about where he was going or what he was going to do before he left?"
Clem didn't know what to say. Should he tell her about how upset Spike had been? How he'd almost torn the crypt apart, ranting and raving about the slayer? Or should he just say nothing and play dumb? He was good at that. No-one ever took him seriously, except for Spike. He was the only friend Clem had. All the other demons thought he was a loose skinned idiot. So maybe he didn't always say the right thing at the right time, or even the smartest thing, but he tried. He didn't even have any terrible powers or the lust other demons had for destroying things. He was happier to lurk on the outside of the human world enjoying things like popcorn and tv. He belonged nowhere. Not in the human world or the demon one. He was like Spike. Stuck in a limbo world between the two, never able to belong in either. Maybe that's why they got on so well. It also helped that Clem was in awe of the blonde vampire and followed him like a puppy dog.
"Clem? He did, didn't he?"
"Maybe he did," he said looking down at the floor. "I should find a broom and clean up a bit. Spike wouldn't like all this mess everywhere."
"Don't you dare move," Buffy ordered jumping up off the bed and rushing over to him. "What did he say when he left Clem?"
"I dropped by with hot wings to watch the Knightrider marathon. I just love that car. It knows everything. Do you think that..."
"Clem."
"Anyway, he was upset about something. I have never seen him this way. I thought you'd broken up with him again because he kept saying 'What have I done? What has she done to me?' Then he said that you had never actually been together. That you'd never lower yourself to be with someone like him. You know what I think? Its the coming back from the dead thing. My cousin was raised by a kooky shaman and..."
"Please Clem, what did he say?"
"He blames the chip in his head. Its making him into something he's not. He doesn't know why he feels this way about you. I told him that love is just a funny thing," he paused when he saw Buffy's reaction to that. She blushed and lowered her eyes. "He wondered if that's what it was too. But he blames the chip. Its kept him from being what he is and made him something else. What did he say? It won't let him be a monster, and he can't be a man. Yes, that's what he said."
"What else did he say?" Buffy asked in a small voice.
"I told him thing's change, and he said they do, if you make them. Then he packed up, told me to look after his place and left."
"That's all he said? He didn't say where he was going or how thing's change?"
Clem shook his head. "I wish he had, but when Spike gets in those moods, you just don't ask."
She smiled. "Thanks Clem."
"You don't think he took the chip out and its fried his brain do you?"
Buffy looked back at the comatose Spike. "I hope not."
She moved back to the bed and held Spike's hand as she waited for Anya to arrive.
Willow kept chanting. Slowly, it was got louder and faster until...
"You have summoned me for vengeance and your call is answered...Willow?"
Willow opened her eyes and smiled. "It worked. Buffy," she called, "Anya's here."
"Why are you wanting vengeance and why in this place? What has Spike done now?"
"We were hoping you could tell us," Buffy said.
Anya turned around and saw Buffy sitting on a bed beside Spike. "Are you two sleeping together again? Is this some vengeance of your own Buffy? It was one time. It meant nothing. I don't want Spike, he's all yours."
Buffy's mouth fell open. "He wishes," she exclaimed. "Clem found him like this and we were hoping that with your knowledge of the demon world you could tell us what is wrong with him. He's warm."
Anya walked over to the bed. She touched his shoulder. He was warm.
"Does he have any wounds on him?" she asked.
Buffy nodded as she opened his shirt.
"Oh no," Anya said softly.
"Anya, what does it mean?" Buffy asked.
Anya slowly traced her fingers over the handprint. She could feel the power coming from it. She had seen this only once before and the demon hadn't survived from it. Would Spike be able to?
"You've seen it before haven't you," Buffy said softly.
Anya nodded. "Yes. Once, many centuries ago."
"Will Spike be ok?"
Anya tore her eyes from the handprint and looked into Buffy's worried filled ones. "I don't know."
Buffy took her hand and led her away from the others.
"Tell me the truth Anya. What has happened to Spike? What does the handprint mean?"
"There's a demon only spoken of in legends who left the demon realm long before known time. He was so powerful that the other demons feared him. He had the power to undo or reverse what has been done, but he always had a price. His mark was a blue handprint. Spike must have gone to see him and now he is paying Kalcor's price."
"Kalcor?" Buffy asked.
"That's what he calls himself. His true name is lost in the mists of time."
"What's his price Anya?"
Anya looked back at Spike. "He's had to face trials to prove his worthiness to Kalcor. That's where he got the burns and other wounds. But obviously he passed the trials. Kalcor's price is very steep. Not many ever can pay it and they are lost forever in their own minds."
"But what is his price Anya?"
"Spike has to fight the demons inside himself. He will remain trapped inside his dreams and memories until he does."
"Oh is that all?"
"Its harder than it sounds Buffy. Spike won't be able to tell what's real from what's not and it will probably drive him insane."
"But if he has to fight his own demons, wouldn't that be easy?"
"It sounds easy Buffy, but its not. The human side of him has to face everything he has done and be able to accept it. Not many can."
"Human side? Spike has a human side?"
Anya shot Buffy a serious look that shut her up. "We all have a human side, that is, the demons who were human once. It never leaves us."
"I never realised..." Buffy said.
"The demon does take over, but the human side is always lurking in the background unable to leave and unable to do anything. Its trapped until the demon dies."
"Then what happens?"
"It dies too."
"Oh."
"You know, demons weren't always bad people, just unhappy mostly," Anya said sadly.
"I never thought about it before," Buffy said. "I just assumed the person died and went wherever they go after death and the demon moved on into the body left behind."
"I wish it was that easy," Anya sighed.
"So anyway," Buffy said trying to change the subject, "Spike is trapped in his mind with his human side trying to battle it to come out again?"
"Something like that," Anya replied.
"And then what?"
"Then he will be granted the one thing he asked Kalcor for. Do you know what it was?"
"Clem said he left angry, talking about changing what he was. I think he's asked Kalcor to remove his chip. To make him a vampire like he was again."
"Then maybe its better to leave him like this. Do you really think if he won and came out of it, you could kill him after everything you've been through?" Willow asked.
"I didn't think you were listening," Buffy said, not wanting to face what she had asked.
"Yeah I heard. But if he did ask for his chip's removal and if he somehow does win and comes out of this state, do you honestly think he wouldn't kill you as soon as he saw you?"
"She has a point Buffy," Anya said.
"But what if he didn't ask for that. What if he asked for something different?" Buffy was clutching at straws and she knew it.
"We're talking about Spike," Willow replied. "All he has ever wanted is for the chip to be gone and to be a vampire again."
"There is a way to find out," Anya interrupted.
"How?"
"I have heard about it but never met anyone who has survived it before."
"Anya...how?"
"You have to go inside his dreamworld and help him through it."
"Help him?"
"Inside his dreamworld?"
"It can be done, but I wouldn't recommend it."
"Anya, how do we do it?" Buffy asked.
"Whoa," Willow jumped in. "Buffy, we can't do this. What if his chip has gone or we get trapped in his mind or we go insane too, which I'm kinda thinking you already have..."
"Then I'll go alone," she said, her voice soft, but determined.
"You can't go alone..." Anya started to say, but Buffy cut her off.
"I can't leave him like this. I owe him more than to let him linger lost in his own mind forever. He helped me when I returned and in return, I used him. I have to do something."
"As I was saying," Anya continued, "you can't go alone. You have to go in with a guide."
"Ok, a guide," Buffy said. "Where do I find this guide and how soon can we go?"
"Buffy, think about what you're saying," Willow begged. "You are thinking about going into Spike's mind to bring him out when in all likelihood, he's gonna come out as the vampire he once was and will probably repay you by killing you."
Buffy knew that Willow was right, but she had to do something.
"At least talk to Giles first before you do anything," Willow continued. "Maybe he can talk you out of it."
"Its going to take a while to summon the right guide anyway," Anya said.
Buffy walked back to Spike's bedside where Clem sat.
"My mind is made up," she said. "I will speak to Giles, but I'm doing it. Start summoning Anya."
"Summoning? If you are summoning someone to raise him, whatever you do, don't use Logbek. He made a mess when he tried to raise my cousin, or was it my uncle? I forget now, but he is one kooky shaman," Clem said.
Buffy smiled at the demon. He tried, but never quite knew the score. She gently stroked Spike's cheek.
"Hold on," she said softly. "Please just try to hold on. I'll be there soon to help you and together, we'll get you out of there."
The demon reached out his hand and touched Spike's chest. Spike arched his back, yelling out in pain and frustration. He felt as though his body was being torn apart, but it was nothing compared to the agonising tortures burning through his mind. Visions of blood and screams of pain all mixed in with the blackness that was slowly creeping up on him. He longed to give in to it, but the demon's voice cut through his thoughts, keeping him from his escape.
"Soon enough you'll sleep in the darkness of guilt," it said. "Lost in your dreams and memories. The only way out will be to fight the demons inside you. Only then will you truly be free."
Spike heard the words but they had no meaning to him. Pain...so much pain. He had to stop it. He clasped his hands on either side of his head and screamed. The demon watched, indifferent to the suffering before him. He'd seen it all before. The returning of one's soul was not a pleasant experience. Not many survived the experience. They remained trapped in their minds. Forever lost in the midst of their dreams and memories, never knowing what was real and what was imagined. They never woke up. He wondered if the vampire in front of him would.
Slowly he raised his hand and waved it in front of the vampire's face as he chanted softly. There was a flash of pale blue light, and Spike was gone.
~*~
His own : ''It won't let me be a monster...''
Buffy : ''Ask me again why I can never love you...''
His own : ''And I can't be a man...''
Cecily : ''You're nothing to me William...''
His own : ''What's a slayer...slayer...slayer...?''
Buffy : ''It would never be you Spike...''
Voices. All around him. They mocked and taunted him. He couldn't block them out.
Drusilla : ''Do you want it...want it...want it...?''
His own : ''Here now, have a taste...''
Drusilla : ''My little Spike just killed himself a slayer...''
His own : ''You always hurt the ones you love...''
"Make 'em stop," Spike moaned. "Make 'em stop."
Thomas : ''Have you heard, they call him William the Bloody...the Bloody...the Bloody..."
His own : ''Its Spike now...Spike now...Spike now...''
He opened his eyes. Darkness surrounded him and in the darkness, the voices called to him. He tried to move, but his legs wouldn't obey. He was frozen to the spot, forced to listen to his tormentors.
Drusilla : ''Angel always knows what speaks to a girl's heart...''
Harmony : ''How's my little blondie bear...?''
Buffy : "I'm sorry...William...''
~*~
Clem found him when he returned to the crypt. At first he didn't understand what was happening. Spike had left. He said he'd be gone for a long time. Why had he returned so soon? He tried waking him up, but Spike couldn't be roused. Something was wrong with him and Clem couldn't do this alone. He needed help...from Buffy. But would she help Spike?
~*~
"But Giles, he will be ok?"
"Yes Wills," Xander softly said for what seemed the hundredth time. "He'll be just fine."
Willow lay her head back down on her arms. As her eyes closed, she thought over everything that had happened. How could Giles, Buffy, anyone forgive her for what she had done? She had lost it in the worst way possible. She had tried to kill them all. She had tried to kill everyone. She was worse than the Master. Worse than the mayor. She was worse than everything they had spent the last few years fighting against. And then even if they could forgive her, how would she ever forgive herself? She felt the hot tears forming behind her eyes. Not now, she prayed. She had done nothing but cry for the past few hours. Tara was dead. She was gone and nothing and no-one could bring her back. She was alone...again.
Xander's heart broke as he watched the slender redhead fighting back her pain. He had stopped her from ending everyone's pain, but now she was trapped in her own. Losing Tara was killing her and he could do nothing but watch her. What could he possibly say to take the pain away? He had never lost anyone he loved to the depths Willow had loved Tara. Except maybe Anya, but he still had a slim shred of hope that she would forgive him and love him again. True, she was a vengeance demon again, but what relationship didn't have a few problems? Willow had dated a werewolf before finding out she was really a lesbian who was in love with another witch. And then there was Buffy. She seemed to have a major thing for bloodsucking monsters, namely Angel and then Spike.
He still didn't get it. Spike? He was evil and English and...evil. So he had been "fixed" by the Initiative and now could no longer hurt humans, but if the day ever came that he could, Xander didn't think of one minute any of them would be safe. After all, Angel went after them all when he lost his soul and Miss Calendar died all because he wanted to get to Buffy and hurt her. Would it be any different with Spike if he ever woke up one night and found out that everyone was on the menu again? Somehow Xander doubted it. He had watched the way Spike had manipulated his way into their circle and then wormed his way into Buffy's bed. He had also seen what Spike had done to Buffy when she rejected him. He was still a monster regardless of that chip. Maybe the others were willing to forget that he had been a monster and killer for over a century, but he hadn't and never would.
He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't hear Buffy walk up behind him.
"Hey," she said softly.
"Jeeze Buff, I'm ordering a bell for your neck too," Xander said.
"Scared ya huh?" she laughed.
"No comment," was his reply as he settled himself back on his chair.
She glanced over to where Willow sat curled up in a corner of the Magic Box. It was hard to find anywhere safe in the destruction, but she had found a spot.
"How is she?" Buffy asked.
"About how you would expect. She just lost the one she loves, killed a man, almost killed Giles, tried to kill us and everyone, destroy the planet and has to deal with the fact that she can never pull off having black hair. She's peachy."
Buffy shot Xander a filthy look as she cleared off a chair and sat down beside him.
"Stupid question I guess," she sighed. "I just don't know what to do or say or...anything. How do we move on and help her?"
Xander wrapped his arms around her. "I dunno Buff. She's strong though. We just have to give her time and be here for her when she needs us."
"How did you get so smart?" she asked as she rested her head down on his shoulder.
"I learnt from the best," he whispered.
Buffy smiled. They had all had their ups and downs, more than most people, but they had always had each other to turn to. Xander was right. They would all be here for Willow too.
"Has Anya been back?" she asked changing the subject.
Xander shook his head. "I haven't seen her since..."
"Yeah. She came through for us all. I just wanted to thank her for what she did for Giles. Maybe all vengeance demons aren't bad after all," she said with a little smile.
"I can't believe she went back to that," Xander said. "I know I hurt her, but I love her and maybe, just maybe, we still had a shot."
"You still do. She loves you or she wouldn't have stayed around and helped out. She couldn't leave Sunnydale. She couldn't leave you."
"I wish I could believe you Buffy, but I have to accept its over. Its really over."
"I'm sorry," Buffy said softly.
They could do nothing but wait and hold each other. Wait for something, anything to happen that would make everything ok again. Make it all go back to what they had had before Tara's death, before Anya went back to her old vengeance ways, before Willow joined her on that kick and before...this. But nothing could.
A loud crash from behind them broke the uneasy silence and startled everyone.
"Clem? What are you doing here, and in daylight?" Buffy asked.
"Wow, it must have been some sale," the demon said as he looked around at the destruction of the store. "Or just redecorating? You know, my cousin was a decorator. She could do amazing things with shrunken heads, cobwebs and..."
"That's all very nice and if we need a nice demonic makeover for the shop, we'll be sure to give her a call," quipped Xander.
Buffy shot him another one of her looks as she rose from her chair and wandered over to Clem. "What are you doing here?" she asked again.
Demons, especially ones who looked like Clem just didn't wander around during daylight hours. Something had to be very wrong to bring him out at this time of day. Very wrong.
"Oh right," he said. "Its Spike."
"He's back?" Buffy asked quietly.
"He left?"
Buffy looked back at Xander. She hadn't told him about Spike's disappearance from Sunnydale. She knew how he felt about the blonde vampire and wasn't needing yet another one of his smart comments. She wasn't sure how she felt about him either. She hadn't loved him, but in those few weeks, she had grown almost...fond of him. He'd been there for her when she'd needed someone to talk to. He had been the only person who understood how she'd been feeling, how hard everything was for her being back and he'd never wanted anything in return. Except her love and she'd been unable to give it to him.
"I'll just shut up now then," Xander said.
Buffy turned back to Clem. "What about Spike?"
"Something's wrong," the demon continued. "He's back and I can't wake him."
"Wake him? What do you mean you can't wake him?" she asked.
Clem heard the worry in her voice. Maybe he had done the right thing in coming here after all. Buffy did care.
"He has...wounds, but they aren't like anything I have seen before and I tried to wake him up. I shook him, shouted, jumped up and down on him but he wouldn't wake up. I thought, well, you know stuff, I thought you could help..."
"Help Spike?" Xander blurted out. "Are you kidding? He's a monster."
"Xander, please," Buffy snapped.
"No Buffy. How can you forget everything he has done? What he did to you."
"We have to help him," she said softly. "Otherwise, we'll be no better than he is."
"Well count me out. You may be blind to what he is and what he's done, but I remember everything. I can't be there when this goes wrong and he finally hurts you. I just can't do it."
"Then I will be there," came a small voice from behind them.
They all turned and saw Willow.
"I thought you were sleeping," Xander said.
"I was," she replied. "You forgive me right?"
"Of course I do, but you're Willow. You aren't some evil, bloodsucking vampire who wants nothing more than to kill us all starting with Buffy if he had the chance."
"No," she smiled softly. "I just killed Warren and tried to kill everyone on the planet."
"That's different," Xander started to say, but Willow cut him off.
"How is it different?" she asked.
"Tara," he replied.
"Yes, Tara. I was in pain and so devastated by her loss, but I knew what I was doing and I didn't care. Spike is a demon. He has something inside him that makes him do all those things. He wasn't always... He needs help."
Buffy walked over and wrapped her arms around her friend.
"We'll help him," she said.
Xander watched silently as they followed Clem out of the Magic Box.
"Dammit," he yelled as he slammed his fist down on the table.
~*~
He was trapped with them. Trapped with the voices that wouldn't stop. Voices from his past. He had to be dreaming. But why couldn't he wake up? Why wasn't someone waking him up? They were driving him mad. He could hear Drusilla's soft voice taunting him in that crazy way of hers.
Drusilla : "Why...why won't you push her away?"
His own : "I made a promise to a lady."
Drusilla : "This one has power...power...power."
He had loved her once. Once, but no longer. All his thoughts were consumed with the slayer. With Buffy. He loved her.
His own : "I'm drowning in you Summers..."
Buffy : "I'm disgusted with myself..."
His own : "The girl needs some monster in her man..."
~*~
"How long has he been like this?" Buffy asked Clem.
"I found him like this when I woke up," he replied. "I don't know."
Buffy looked at the wounds on Spike's chest. Burns, bites and a blue handprint over his heart.
She pulled his shirt closed and drew Willow aside.
"Have you ever seen or come across anything like this in your research with Giles?" she asked.
Willow shook her head. "No never. Is he...dead?"
Buffy let out a small laugh. "He's been dead for over a hundred years Wills."
"Yeah I know that, but is it like when Faith tried to kill Angel? Is it a magical spell or something that only kills vampires?"
Angel. She hadn't thought about him for months. Not since she had gone to see him. He'd almost died...again...all to keep Buffy distracted from what Faith and the Mayor were trying to do. But Spike hadn't been wounded like Angel. This, whatever it was, was something different. Something they hadn't seen before.
"No, its not like Angel," Buffy said. "Maybe Giles would know."
Willow felt a wave of guilt wash over her.
"We should let him rest," she said.
Buffy turned back to look at Spike.
"We need more help from someone who knows about these things, and Giles is..."
"Anya."
"Giles is Anya?"
Willow rolled her eyes. "No, Anya knows this stuff. She's been a demon for over a thousand years. If anyone knows what's happening to Spike, maybe its her."
"She has a point," Clem said.
"Thank you," smiled Willow. "At least someone agrees with me."
"Its not that I disagree with you Will," she said as she walked back to Spike's bedside. "I just don't know where she is."
"I could call her," Willow said quietly.
"You can do that? Cool."
Willow smiled at the demon. She liked him.
"I can do that."
"Then do it," Buffy whispered as she gently stroked her fingers over Spike's forehead.
Willow was about to do just that when Buffy's shocked scream halted her in her steps. She ran over to the bed where Spike lay with Buffy sitting beside him.
"Buff, what is it?" she asked.
Buffy looked up at her friend with shock evident in her eyes.
"He's...warm."
~*~
"You came back."
Xander dropped the broom he'd been using to clear the floor of the Magic Box.
"What is it with you people and sneaking up on me?" he asked.
"I didn't think anyone would be here," Anya said looking around at her destroyed shop.
"Where else would we be?" Xander asked.
"At the hospital, with Giles or at Buffy's or anywhere but here," she said as she cautiously made her way through the rubble covering the floor.
"I couldn't leave this place like this," he said. "I couldn't let you come back to...this."
Anya shrugged. "I've seen worse."
But Xander could see the pain in her eyes. This had been somewhere where she'd felt safe and useful. Even if she wouldn't admit it to him, Anya was hurting from the destruction of the Magic Box.
"You know," he said, picking up the broom again, "its not really that bad. The place could use a makeover. New shelves, a better counter and a good tidy up and it'll be better than ever."
A small smile played on Anya lips. "You think so?"
Xander nodded. "Sure. I never liked how Giles had the books over there and the amulets there and the counter, talk about shoddy workmanship."
"Do you think...you could fix it?" Anya asked in a small voice.
"Hey you are talking to Xander Harris, builder extraordinaire."
"I can't pay you much," the old Anya spirit was sneaking back in now. "I don't think the insurance covers witches going nuts after losing their girlfriends and trying to destroy the world starting here."
Xander chuckled. "It doesn't matter. I owe you this much."
"Yes you do, and more," Anya grinned.
"There's the Anya I know and love," he said.
Anya pretended she hadn't heard him. It still hurt how he'd abandoned her, but she still loved him.
~*~
"But he's dead," Willow exclaimed. "How can he be warm?"
Buffy reached out her hand and touched his forehead again. He was warm.
"I dunno Will, but he is. Please, call Anya. Something is very wrong here and we need to know what is going on."
Willow nodded and knelt down on the ground. She drew in the dirt and then began softly chanting.
"If we're having company, I had better check if there are any doritos left," Clem said walking away from the girls and over to where Spike had his 'kitchen'.
Buffy smiled. Poor Clem, she thought to herself. He was just as confused as they were, but he always meant well. There was nothing they could do but wait and hope that Willow's chant would work and that Anya knew what was wrong with Spike.
~*~
"Maybe have a mural on the wall," Anya said looking around the shop imagining all the possibilities open to her now. "With lots of unicorns and fairies and..."
"Bunnies?" Xander just couldn't resist.
The small scream from Anya followed by the book hitting his head shut him up. It was almost like how it had been before.
"Next time chuck a smaller book," he laughed as he stooped over to pick it up.
"You deserved it," Anya said, poking out her tongue. "You know bunnies scare me."
"And I still don't get why. Bunnies? What's that about?"
"Long story."
"I'm not going anywhere," he said looking around. "For a very long time."
"First time for everything," Anya said under her breath.
"Did you say something?"
Anya shook her head. This was the first time since the incident with Spike that they had been able to look at each other and have a civilised conversation. She had missed it, and him. Silently she started picking up the books scattered all over the floor.
Then she heard it. The soft call summoning her. She hated to leave Xander now that things were starting to improve between them, but she had returned to her old job and vengeance never slept.
"I have to go."
Xander stopped what he'd been doing. "Go? Where?"
She couldn't meet his eyes. "Work."
"But you're already...oh."
The penny dropped.
"I guess we really are that bad huh?" he said trying to smile.
"Not all of you," she replied. "You just make stupid choices."
"Yeah. You'd better go. I'll try to clear up a bit more before heading home."
"Thank you," she said softly as she disappeared.
"Anytime baby," he whispered as he watched her go.
~*~
Buffy sat watching Willow chanting. This had to work. She hoped Anya would know something to help Spike. Even after what he'd tried to do to her, she still felt like it was all her fault. She'd known how he felt about her and she'd slept with him knowing that he thought it meant more than it did to her. It hadn't stopped her though. Some small part of her felt at peace with him. If this was what her life was going to be, who better than Spike to share it with. But after Riley had seen them together and finding out that Spike hadn't changed, she couldn't do it anymore. She couldn't keep on using him that way. It was her insecurities that pushed her into his arms that last time. Her insecurities about never having anyone who loved her, wanted her and needed her. She'd seen how happy Riley was with his wife and it had hurt more than she wanted to admit to herself. At least she always had Spike to fall back on. But it wasn't fair to him, or to her.
She almost laughed at that thought. She was worried about a vampire's feelings? True he'd been there for her when no-one else understood how she felt, he'd been the one she could turn to when everything seemed hard or hopeless, and he had looked out for Dawn. She owed him something. But she couldn't love him.
"No more doritos," Clem said as he returned to the bedside.
Buffy smiled. "Its ok Clem. I don't think Anya will mind."
"Is Spike going to be ok?" he asked.
"I wish I knew," Buffy replied. "I wish I knew what was wrong with him. Did he say anything about where he was going or what he was going to do before he left?"
Clem didn't know what to say. Should he tell her about how upset Spike had been? How he'd almost torn the crypt apart, ranting and raving about the slayer? Or should he just say nothing and play dumb? He was good at that. No-one ever took him seriously, except for Spike. He was the only friend Clem had. All the other demons thought he was a loose skinned idiot. So maybe he didn't always say the right thing at the right time, or even the smartest thing, but he tried. He didn't even have any terrible powers or the lust other demons had for destroying things. He was happier to lurk on the outside of the human world enjoying things like popcorn and tv. He belonged nowhere. Not in the human world or the demon one. He was like Spike. Stuck in a limbo world between the two, never able to belong in either. Maybe that's why they got on so well. It also helped that Clem was in awe of the blonde vampire and followed him like a puppy dog.
"Clem? He did, didn't he?"
"Maybe he did," he said looking down at the floor. "I should find a broom and clean up a bit. Spike wouldn't like all this mess everywhere."
"Don't you dare move," Buffy ordered jumping up off the bed and rushing over to him. "What did he say when he left Clem?"
"I dropped by with hot wings to watch the Knightrider marathon. I just love that car. It knows everything. Do you think that..."
"Clem."
"Anyway, he was upset about something. I have never seen him this way. I thought you'd broken up with him again because he kept saying 'What have I done? What has she done to me?' Then he said that you had never actually been together. That you'd never lower yourself to be with someone like him. You know what I think? Its the coming back from the dead thing. My cousin was raised by a kooky shaman and..."
"Please Clem, what did he say?"
"He blames the chip in his head. Its making him into something he's not. He doesn't know why he feels this way about you. I told him that love is just a funny thing," he paused when he saw Buffy's reaction to that. She blushed and lowered her eyes. "He wondered if that's what it was too. But he blames the chip. Its kept him from being what he is and made him something else. What did he say? It won't let him be a monster, and he can't be a man. Yes, that's what he said."
"What else did he say?" Buffy asked in a small voice.
"I told him thing's change, and he said they do, if you make them. Then he packed up, told me to look after his place and left."
"That's all he said? He didn't say where he was going or how thing's change?"
Clem shook his head. "I wish he had, but when Spike gets in those moods, you just don't ask."
She smiled. "Thanks Clem."
"You don't think he took the chip out and its fried his brain do you?"
Buffy looked back at the comatose Spike. "I hope not."
She moved back to the bed and held Spike's hand as she waited for Anya to arrive.
Willow kept chanting. Slowly, it was got louder and faster until...
"You have summoned me for vengeance and your call is answered...Willow?"
Willow opened her eyes and smiled. "It worked. Buffy," she called, "Anya's here."
"Why are you wanting vengeance and why in this place? What has Spike done now?"
"We were hoping you could tell us," Buffy said.
Anya turned around and saw Buffy sitting on a bed beside Spike. "Are you two sleeping together again? Is this some vengeance of your own Buffy? It was one time. It meant nothing. I don't want Spike, he's all yours."
Buffy's mouth fell open. "He wishes," she exclaimed. "Clem found him like this and we were hoping that with your knowledge of the demon world you could tell us what is wrong with him. He's warm."
Anya walked over to the bed. She touched his shoulder. He was warm.
"Does he have any wounds on him?" she asked.
Buffy nodded as she opened his shirt.
"Oh no," Anya said softly.
"Anya, what does it mean?" Buffy asked.
Anya slowly traced her fingers over the handprint. She could feel the power coming from it. She had seen this only once before and the demon hadn't survived from it. Would Spike be able to?
"You've seen it before haven't you," Buffy said softly.
Anya nodded. "Yes. Once, many centuries ago."
"Will Spike be ok?"
Anya tore her eyes from the handprint and looked into Buffy's worried filled ones. "I don't know."
Buffy took her hand and led her away from the others.
"Tell me the truth Anya. What has happened to Spike? What does the handprint mean?"
"There's a demon only spoken of in legends who left the demon realm long before known time. He was so powerful that the other demons feared him. He had the power to undo or reverse what has been done, but he always had a price. His mark was a blue handprint. Spike must have gone to see him and now he is paying Kalcor's price."
"Kalcor?" Buffy asked.
"That's what he calls himself. His true name is lost in the mists of time."
"What's his price Anya?"
Anya looked back at Spike. "He's had to face trials to prove his worthiness to Kalcor. That's where he got the burns and other wounds. But obviously he passed the trials. Kalcor's price is very steep. Not many ever can pay it and they are lost forever in their own minds."
"But what is his price Anya?"
"Spike has to fight the demons inside himself. He will remain trapped inside his dreams and memories until he does."
"Oh is that all?"
"Its harder than it sounds Buffy. Spike won't be able to tell what's real from what's not and it will probably drive him insane."
"But if he has to fight his own demons, wouldn't that be easy?"
"It sounds easy Buffy, but its not. The human side of him has to face everything he has done and be able to accept it. Not many can."
"Human side? Spike has a human side?"
Anya shot Buffy a serious look that shut her up. "We all have a human side, that is, the demons who were human once. It never leaves us."
"I never realised..." Buffy said.
"The demon does take over, but the human side is always lurking in the background unable to leave and unable to do anything. Its trapped until the demon dies."
"Then what happens?"
"It dies too."
"Oh."
"You know, demons weren't always bad people, just unhappy mostly," Anya said sadly.
"I never thought about it before," Buffy said. "I just assumed the person died and went wherever they go after death and the demon moved on into the body left behind."
"I wish it was that easy," Anya sighed.
"So anyway," Buffy said trying to change the subject, "Spike is trapped in his mind with his human side trying to battle it to come out again?"
"Something like that," Anya replied.
"And then what?"
"Then he will be granted the one thing he asked Kalcor for. Do you know what it was?"
"Clem said he left angry, talking about changing what he was. I think he's asked Kalcor to remove his chip. To make him a vampire like he was again."
"Then maybe its better to leave him like this. Do you really think if he won and came out of it, you could kill him after everything you've been through?" Willow asked.
"I didn't think you were listening," Buffy said, not wanting to face what she had asked.
"Yeah I heard. But if he did ask for his chip's removal and if he somehow does win and comes out of this state, do you honestly think he wouldn't kill you as soon as he saw you?"
"She has a point Buffy," Anya said.
"But what if he didn't ask for that. What if he asked for something different?" Buffy was clutching at straws and she knew it.
"We're talking about Spike," Willow replied. "All he has ever wanted is for the chip to be gone and to be a vampire again."
"There is a way to find out," Anya interrupted.
"How?"
"I have heard about it but never met anyone who has survived it before."
"Anya...how?"
"You have to go inside his dreamworld and help him through it."
"Help him?"
"Inside his dreamworld?"
"It can be done, but I wouldn't recommend it."
"Anya, how do we do it?" Buffy asked.
"Whoa," Willow jumped in. "Buffy, we can't do this. What if his chip has gone or we get trapped in his mind or we go insane too, which I'm kinda thinking you already have..."
"Then I'll go alone," she said, her voice soft, but determined.
"You can't go alone..." Anya started to say, but Buffy cut her off.
"I can't leave him like this. I owe him more than to let him linger lost in his own mind forever. He helped me when I returned and in return, I used him. I have to do something."
"As I was saying," Anya continued, "you can't go alone. You have to go in with a guide."
"Ok, a guide," Buffy said. "Where do I find this guide and how soon can we go?"
"Buffy, think about what you're saying," Willow begged. "You are thinking about going into Spike's mind to bring him out when in all likelihood, he's gonna come out as the vampire he once was and will probably repay you by killing you."
Buffy knew that Willow was right, but she had to do something.
"At least talk to Giles first before you do anything," Willow continued. "Maybe he can talk you out of it."
"Its going to take a while to summon the right guide anyway," Anya said.
Buffy walked back to Spike's bedside where Clem sat.
"My mind is made up," she said. "I will speak to Giles, but I'm doing it. Start summoning Anya."
"Summoning? If you are summoning someone to raise him, whatever you do, don't use Logbek. He made a mess when he tried to raise my cousin, or was it my uncle? I forget now, but he is one kooky shaman," Clem said.
Buffy smiled at the demon. He tried, but never quite knew the score. She gently stroked Spike's cheek.
"Hold on," she said softly. "Please just try to hold on. I'll be there soon to help you and together, we'll get you out of there."