The days when we quietly held hands and watched as the world outside pass us by no longer exists, I can say this with the utmost certainty now. Hikaru's eyes do not meet me when he looks at me. They look pass right through me. When we talk, it is not me he is smiling at but Haruhi. He would never smile at me with such radiance and life in his eyes. I realized that already. But still, I want to retain him in our world where the invisible barrier would keep us safe and untouched by stray human hands. I want him to remain in our little world so that I would not be left behind. That is too much to ask, I know.
I begin to wonder what importance I hold to him now. Even our eternal bond as brothers, twins, infact seem to be too weak to hold him to me. That girl…the moment she crash landed into our world, he has been enchanted by her. She is the only one he has eyes for now. The words brotherly love means nothing anymore, and he childishly chases after an occupied heart.
He is just like me, but the one I am silently pursuing is him. The more I try to catch up to him, the faster he runs to her. As I approach and reach my hand out to grasp at the tail of his shirt, my fingers run into the glass between us; the very same glass that once separated us from the rest of the world.
I am so jealous of Haruhi. I am jealous of Hikaru. Even though they were both broken somehow, they managed to be fixed. Me? I am hopeless. There is no cure for this brokenness. I am so beyond the point of being fixed that I am left behind in this lonely cube of isolation. Nothing can save me because my only source of joy and comfort has left.
Just in a few days, we will graduate from here. I hope that Hikaru would take my hand again and walk with me away from this pain… I want him to hurt, to realize that Haruhi's heart does not belong to him. I want him to admit to himself that he has no chance. I want to be a rebound, I am that desperate now. I just want my brother back.
After graduation, I want for us to go far from here. I want to be far enough so that his mind does not stray and ponders about her. I want him to start again, with me. We could hold hands and watch the world again, but this time I will know that everything I ever wanted, everything I ever needed is there in that cold, invisible box with me. And I will not complain because loneliness will not exist any longer. Inside our invisible box is everything important to us: each other. Our happiness is only in this box.
Oh god, Hikaru… What kind of a selfish monster have I become? How could I so selfishly wish to take away your joy? Forgive me, Hikaru. I hate her with all of my heart. I cannot stand you looking at her. I cannot stand being left in the cold, pelting rain because of her. I do not want to be left alone because of that girl, that girl that will never love you like I love you.
Don't look at her, Hikaru. She'll turn you to stone and devour your heart, and your heart will be wasted because she will never return any of your feelings--none! Only I love you, Hikaru, why can't you understand that?
There is no pain greater than this of being forgotten and replaced. There is no pain worse than that of being left behind… If only he was in this box instead of me, he would understand completely. My struggle to live with only half a heart continues…Day after day.