A/N: Okay so I have been rather obsessed with Sirius/Remus slash so this was a practice for me to get into the feel of it so if you are a fan please enjoy. Also if you don't like slash please don't flame me I'm easily upset really easily. Okay not really I'll just eat them like a strange creature. Ummm anyway yeah onto the story.
They Never Knew
The thing that the other marauders never knew about me was I never hated the place where I transformed. Even when I was at home and I had to transform in the basement with bars all around me, I never felt a loathing for that place. I loathed the transformation and I loathed myself I loathed the moon and the whole idea of werewolves but not the place. When I was little I used to sit in the basement when I got upset. I used curl up underneath the bars the restrained me and read a book or just lie and think. My parents would come in when it got dark and cover me with a blanket or leave me a pillow. They understood that I needed to be there. When I went to Hogwarts I never had many friends for the first year, it was my own fault I shied away from people. When most of the Gryffindor's would sit in the common room or library to study I would sit in the shack. Some nights I fell asleep on the old dusty mattress and woke up early returning to school in a hurry. It also made it less suspicious if I disappeared at any time during the month rather than just the full moon. When the marauders found out about my lycanthropy the visits lessened. They let me study with them and I didn't need to spend so much time in the shack, but every so often I liked to visit away from the full moon and just be alone. To let it know that I still needed it and appreciated what it had to put up with. It's silly but it had to be done. I did the same for the willow, sitting under its roots on a hot day with a book and the willow to talk to was one of my favourite activities. I even used to visit the forest I was bit in. It was my favourite childhood haunt and even after the wolf tainted it I could never give it up. I used to climb in trees and read books, I'd climb until the sun began to sink behind the tree and the darkness made it difficult to read. Then I'd wonder home through the forest stopping to look at interesting plants that the moon lit up. Now I always leave long before it gets dark and never go out when it's near to a full moon.
In fourth year I got my first girlfriend. She was pretty but not beautiful. She had longish black hair and bright blue eyes. She was tall and slim and loved to read as much as I did. We went out for four months and it was fun. I liked her a lot and I assumed she liked me, she wasn't my first kiss but she was my first proper one where both parties are sober. She broke up with me because of all the secrets. She always wanted to know where I was when I was visiting the shack or when I was transforming and I couldn't bring myself to tell her.
I dated Lily in fifth year. It wasn't anything special and now I'm not sure why I even dated her. Neither of us particularly fancied each other but we were both prefects and more importantly she knew my secret. I suppose it was more that we felt we should go out. It was what expected so for two and a half months we did. It wasn't much of a relationship we hugged and kissed but not much, we held hands when walking down the corridors and studied together lots. But I never took her to the shack. I'd visit it alone and imagine what it would be like if she came but I never brought her. She wasn't right for it. She wasn't right for me.
It was after Lily that I decided I liked men. I was coincidentally in the shack at the time. Sirius had given me a picture of every girl in the year and a few boys and told me to pick one and he'd set us up. I was looking through the pictures sitting cross-legged on the dusty bed and realised I was considering the photos of boys over girls. It was common knowledge that Sirius and a few other boys were bisexual but I never even considered I was until then. I ended up sleeping there to afraid to talk to the boys in my dorm; this new revelation had startled me too deeply. In truth I was ashamed, a gay werewolf it didn't get much worse. But after a day of avoiding my friends and being wholly miserable I decided I couldn't avoid them forever and that gay wasn't such a terrible thing. I spent my time in Hogwarts observing Sirius watching how he interacted with other boys. My sixth year was spent largely in the shack puzzling over the new feelings overtaking me. The Sirius walking had developed into something else. I wasn't just watching him because I wanted to see how to be gay it was something more. I spent nights in the shack running over thoughts in my head. How beautiful Sirius looked when he was laughing, how he could carelessly flirt with anyone even his best friends and think nothing of it, how he always ended up with ink everywhere while writing, they way he'd stay up until midnight playing games or doing homework but most of all the way his eyes shone after a transformation. They way he'd didn't look tired and haggard like me but energetic and full of life. It took me most of sixth year to realise I was falling in lust with him. Sometimes on dark nights in the shack before transformations I'd think that maybe I really loved him but mostly I figured it was just a crush, a passing fancy. In seventh year Sirius asked me out. I was down in the shack at the time simply reading but he came in. He sat next to me in the bed and lightly scrawled a message in the dust. The message is long gone now but at the time it was so special. Our first kiss wasn't in the shack. We kissed then but we had kissed before. A drunken kiss in third year after winning the quidditch cup it was sloppy filled with the taste of alcohol and only shortly after Sirius had announced he was bi. This kiss was real though. It was soft and hesitant and perfect in every way. It was when I realised that I did love Sirius after all, although it was a long time before I would admit that to him. Sirius the first and only boyfriend I brought to the shack. I always liked the shack but now I loved it. I never came here alone after that because Sirius would come with me. We'd lie together on top of the bed, talking and kissing occasionally. The first time we made love was in the shack and we made love in their many times afterwards. We'd come here on a night and return the next morning to Jim and Pete's knowing smiles while the rest of the boys in our dorm assumed we'd pulled a prank. Eventually I had leave Hogwarts and the shack far behind. I said goodbye to it once with Sirius and once alone. I had a basement in mine and Sirius's flat to transform in. It was nice but secretly I missed the shack I even missed the barred and chained basement at my parents house but both were off limits to me. After the Potters died I went back to my parents' home and transformed there. I lived in a small flat and returned to my beloved basement to transform. As bad as I felt for forcing my parents to put up with a werewolf I couldn't transform anywhere else.
Returning to the shack was like returning to an old friend. The wolfsbane meant I could curl up in my office but most nights I chose to come to the shack. I told Dumbledore it was a precaution but really I missed it. Sometimes I imagined that I saw a small rat in the corner but I passed it off as fantasy and continued on. Now I transform at the ministry. My parents are dead their house sold. Hogwarts is off limit and mine and Sirius's house is sold. A bright white room that is as unfeeling as the shack was feeling. The ministry keeps me contained but I can't help but think that if I went to the shack I'd be going home, home to wear the heart is.