Doormat
"Here's your mail call, everyone," announced Dr. Joan Leland, head doctor of Arkham Asylum, as she made her way down the cell block. "Not much today – gardening magazine for Ivy, creepy doll magazine for the Ventriloquist…"
"It's for me," piped up Scarface. "Plastic dames are my kinda eye candy. Just because I'm made of wood don't mean I can't get wood, capiche?"
"O…K," said Dr. Leland, slowly, handing him the magazine. "There's my disturbing thought for the day. Jervis, small package for you," she said, handing a small parcel through the bars of Jervis Tetch's cell.
"Tetchy's used to that by now, judging from his boyfriend," chuckled the Joker from the neighboring cell.
"For the last time, I'm not his boyfriend!" shouted Jonathan Crane from the opposite cell.
"And what makes you think I'm talking about you?" asked Joker, smiling. "Got a small package yourself, do ya, Johnny?"
"I'm not going to dignify that with a response," snapped Crane, returning to his book.
"I've seen him in the shower – he does," said Joker.
"It's my imported tea!" exclaimed Tetch, happily ripping open the parcel. "Oh frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! Jonathan, you simply must taste this – we must have a tea party later!"
"And you can guess what that's a euphemism for!" chuckled Joker.
"I've known Jervis a lotta years – trust me, it's not a euphemism," said Dr. Leland. "He's actually intending to have a real tea party later. And last but not least, Joker, you have a large package," she said, stopping in front of his cell and holding out a box.
"I sure do, Doc!" chuckled the Joker. "You can ask Harley – it's really impressive!"
"Three penis jokes in the space of five minutes," muttered Poison Ivy, flipping through her magazine. "And people wonder why I hate men."
Dr. Leland didn't respond, except to sigh and mutter, "Yeah, that's an image I didn't want before my lunch of foot-long hot dogs, thanks, Joker."
"Well, it is about that long, but it's thicker than a hot dog," said Joker, nodding. "Also unnaturally white, because, y'know, my whole body is because of the accident thing. It wouldn't be an appropriate analogy unless you were eating like a massive bratwurst or something."
Dr. Leland just looked at him. "You have a large package," she repeated, ignoring him. "We've scanned it to make sure it's nothing that can be used as a weapon…"
"Not like my package, then!" chuckled Joker. "That's my secret weapon!"
Dr. Leland sighed again, handing him the package. "Just take it and shut up!" she snapped.
"Also what I say when I give Harley my package!" giggled Joker.
Dr. Leland shuddered, then left the cell block, muttering, "I know I'm a psychiatrist and all, but I think I've heard enough about penises for one day. Freud's probably turning in his grave at that statement, but I don't care."
"You know, she really could have just stopped all the jokes by calling this a parcel," said Joker, shrugging. "I think she subconsciously wanted to hear about my penis, just like a shrink!" he giggled. "Now, who's sent me a present?" he asked, unboxing the item. There was a note on top.
Dear Joker,
I hope this finds you well. I know you're expecting a letter from me, but I thought I'd send this separately. You probably don't remember, but eleven years ago today I wrote you my first letter that started off our correspondence. I just wanted to get you an anniversary gift to celebrate after rekindling our contact last year. I hope you'll think of me when you use this, and I hope to see you soon!
Your friend,
Janey.
"Aw, it's from my pen pal!" exclaimed Joker. "Little Janey Bennett! Aw, she's a doll," he said, beaming as he opened the box to reveal an ice cream maker. "And she remembers how much I love ice cream! What a great kid! This is the most thoughtful gift anyone's ever given me, certainly a lot more thoughtful than Harley's ridiculous attempts at gifts for anniversaries and holidays. Like that inscribed cane she got me one year. Or that naked portrait of her she thought I'd enjoy."
"I'll have you know, I slaved over that portrait," said Tetch, who was laying out his tea set. "I am not in the habit of painting naked women, so it was quite a challenge for me."
"Yeah, painting ain't the only thing you're not in the habit of doing with naked women," retorted Joker. "Bet doing anything else with them would be quite a challenge for you too."
"Just for that, you're not invited to my tea party later," snapped Tetch. "So you won't get to experience the specialist blend I've ordered."
"And I'm sure my taste buds will never recover from missing out on your weird, fruity tea blend," sighed Joker.
"How dare you? I don't drink fruit tea!" snapped Tetch. "That's not even real tea! Honestly, I'm more insulted by that accusation than by the women joke!"
"Explains a lot," said Joker. "Anyway, if you're gonna be snotty about your tea stuff, I'm not letting you use my ice cream maker. I have to decide what flavor I should make first – there are so many options! Chocolate and vanilla and strawberry and neapolitan and butterscotch and cookies and cream and rocky road and mint chocolate chip and regular chocolate chip and…"
An explosion suddenly rocked the cell block, and when the smoke and dust cleared, Harley Quinn strode in from outside, kicking over the shattered shell of the jack-in-the-box she had used as a bomb.
"Hey, gang!" she called, pulling the lever that emergency released all the cell doors. "I'm here to bust you all outta this dump! But especially my puddin'!" she purred. "I missed him so much, being all alone in that big empty hideout without him!"
"Yeah, yeah, great, Harl," said Joker, not looking up from the ice cream maker. "I'll come with you in a minute, huh?"
"I think the guards will be here in a minute," said Harley, frowning. "I think we should probably get while the getting's good, Mr. J."
Joker sighed heavily. "All right," he said, gathering up the ice cream maker. "Carry this for me, will ya, sweets?" he asked, dumping it into her arms.
"What is it?" asked Harley, struggling to get a grip on it as they and everyone else in the cell block headed out through the hole in the wall to freedom.
"Ice cream maker," said Joker. "We can get it working back at the hideout and have sundaes."
"Oooh, I love sundaes!" exclaimed Harley, beaming. "Can I have a banana split?"
"If that's a euphemism, yes, you can!" chuckled Joker. "Also, if it's not a euphemism, yes, you can!"
Harley giggled, as Ivy sighed. "Four penis jokes in ten minutes," she muttered. "The sooner I'm away from men, the better."
"I'm a man, and I'm also sick of them," spoke up Crane.
"Cheer up, Jonathan – we'll be back home soon, and then we can continue with the tea party," said Tetch. "We can use my china set with the white rabbits on it, and the extra large teapot."
"Yes, I'll be looking forward to that very much, Jervis," sighed Crane. "And just for the record, the extra large teapot is not a euphemism," he added hastily to Ivy.
"Oh, I know you're not gay, Johnny," said Ivy. "I've had the cell next to yours before. I hear you talking in your sleep about Harley. You go, tiger."
Crane paled. "I do not talk in my sleep about Harley!" he hissed.
"Yes, you do – I can hear you from my room at the flat," agreed Tetch. "And she's right – if Joker heard any of what you said, he'd probably agree you weren't gay."
"Of course if Joker heard what you said, he'd also probably castrate you with a rusty spoon," agreed Ivy.
"If Joker heard what you said about what?" asked Joker, turning to them.
"Nothing," they all three said, hastily.
"Thanks for the breakout, Harley," said Ivy, changing the subject. "Sometimes when people come to bust one person out, they leave the rest of us locked in there."
"Aw, I couldn't treat my friends like that, Red!" exclaimed Harley, beaming at her. "You're all special to me! Of course nobody's as special as my puddin'!" she cooed, cuddling against Joker. "I'm a lucky gal to have such an adoring boyfriend, and such a great group of friends!"
"Lucky gal, huh?" muttered Ivy under her breath. "Just wait until she finds out who that ice cream maker is from."