A/N, we'd been plannign this one for AGES and here it finally is.

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Going Out With A Bang: Chapter One: The Penultimate Night

Pale moonlight filtered through the lattice curtains of the Ravenclaw common room, shining on the books lining the walls and the various bronze ornaments littered around the room. An eerie glow reflected off the polished floorboards, illuminating the statue of Rowena Ravenclaw that stood by the door. A cloud passed across the full moon, casting a shadow over the twelve solemn faces seated in the tower.

'I can't fucking well believe it!' Michael said, breaking the silence, 'we're fucking leaving tomorrow and-'

'And we're no' fuckin' comin' back!' Mandy interrupted, slurring her words as she did so.

'Oh for fuck's sake Brocklehurst!' Padma started, exasperated.

'You've only had half a fucking glass!' Kevin finished for her.

'Look at my face!' she ordered, 'look at my face!'

Padma and Kevin looked up into her eyes.

'Fuck you!' she screamed at them drunkenly.

The eleven other only slightly buzzy students just burst into laughter.

'You know,' Terry started seriously, 'I'm really going to miss this.'

Anthony turned to him, 'don't be such a Jew!'

Jayne snorted derisively.

'We'll still have summers on Trip's estates,' he continued.

Jayne coughed.

'And Jayne's.'

'Have you ever wondered-'

Everyone jumped. Mandy screamed and fell off her chair. Kevin laughed and the others snickered.

'How long have you been there?'

'I've been here the entire time.'

'She has,' Kevin confirmed.

'That's it,' Trip stared at Lisa, 'I've got my eye on you Turpin.'

'No you don't, you've got one eye on your wife and the other on Michael.'

'Well,' Jayne whispered to her husband, 'at least I'm not the only one.'

'Course not darling,' Michael drawled from the other side of the circle, 'once you've been around this corner, there's no going back.'

'As I was saying-'

Again, everyone jumped and again, Mandy screamed as she crashed to the floor.

Lisa ignored this and continued, if just to spite them, 'I've always wondered what our teachers do in their spare time.'

Here, Padma brought out her trusty (stolen) crystal ball.

'You want to take a look?' she asked with a cheeky grin.

'So long as it's not boring marking,' Paul muttered.

The students giggled as they gathered (with some difficulty on Mandy's part) in a circle on the floor. Padma placed the ball in the centre of the circle and, with Lisa, started muttering what sounded like gibberish.

'Ooh,' Lisa gasped.

Mandy jumped.

'We've got something,' she continued, just ignoring the drunk girl.

'I can't see!' Terry yelled loudly.

'Engorgio,' Jayne waved her hand.

'Hey,' Trip cried, 'it's Professor Flitwick!'

'Is he?'

Su pointed and laughed, 'he's wearing a dress!'

'He can wear a dress?'

'He's using those stilts we gave him for Christmas in first year!'

'Can we get sound?' Michael asked.

Padma nodded and muttered more gibberish.

'Oooh, I'm Minerva!' Flitwick crooned with a bad Scottish accent, 'I'm all tall and important.'

The raucous laughter was so loud that Kevin worried that the silencing wards he'd put up wouldn't hold.

'Unlike Filius. Transfiguration is much more important than Charms.'

Suddenly the image began to blur until before them was a picture of Professor McGonagall. She was standing, pressed against the wall, wrapped in a tartan dressing gown. The students snickered as she clung to a painting of Professor Dumbledore mounted on said wall.

'Oh Albus,' she sobbed, 'why are we doomed to remain friends and colleagues when we could be so much more?'

Anthony spluttered, 'now that, is just plain disgusting.'

The picture faded into a scene revealing Dumbledore wearing a bright red cocktail dress dancing with an animated sex doll in the likeness of Gellert Grindlewald.

'Oh Gellert,' he said huskily.

'Oh THAT is just disgusting!' Terry admonished.

'Ooh, it's changing again.'

Terry screamed again.

'Evidently,' Jayne blinked, 'not fast enough.'

'Get it out! Get it out!' Terry cried, clawing at his head.

They'd been left with the parting image of Dumbledore dipping the doll for a full on snog.

'Hey it's the Greenhouse!' Mandy slurred.

'I'm NOT too old for him!' wept Professor Sprout.

'EW!'

She was surrounded by crumpled chocolate wrappers and empty wine bottles.

'Oh Severus, ditch the slut, I'll take care of you.'

'BITCH! That's my mother she's calling a slut!'

'But your mother is a slut,' Trip mused.

Jayne drew her wand, 'yes but only I'm allowed to call her that.'

'Whose office is that?'

Their attention was drawn back to the crystal ball.

'Snape's,' Trip answered.

'3rd year,' Jayne verified.

The wardrobe opened from the inside and out stalked Professor Severus Snape. He was not wearing his usual teaching robes but rather the same green ensemble from the Boggart lesson. Complete with the red hand bag and the vulture hat. He hitched the skirt up and pulled a seductive pose.

Whilst everyone else was staring at the scene, horrified, Jayne was laughing.

'Who's a sexy Grandma?' he asked his reflection.

Trip snickered. Morag giggled. Michael snorted. Everyone else blinked fearfully. Jayne was rolling around with tears of laughter in her eyes.

'My inner eye foresees one massive hangover.'

'Trelawney!' the group cried gleefully.

'Oh Severus.'

'Oh COME ON!' Jayne glared in disgust.

The Divination Professor was clutching a half empty bottle of sherry and swaying dangerously.

'He could've had all this but no,' she cried.

Michael and Trip roared with laughter when she groped at herself.

'Change the channel!' Jayne groaned.

The new scene unfolded to reveal Professor Slughorn leaning into the fireplace.

'Oh God,' Su giggled.

'Mother!'

'Oh sweet hell no!' Paul yelled.

'I'm 72, I can make my own decisions!'

A distinctly female voice was heard.

'I don't think so Horace darling. You just don't seem to grow up.'

'Mother!'

'You were wetting the bed until your Hogwarts graduation.'

The Ravenclaws (and Jayne) stared and blinked.

Jayne shuddered.

Michael choked.

Trip coughed.

Morag groaned.

Su dry-retched.

Mandy giggled drunkenly.

Kevin screwed his face up in disgust.

Padma snorted.

Terry cringed, 'no.'

Paul grinned, 'that was just, wrong, on so many levels.'

Anthony pouted, 'now why, did we have to see that?'

Lisa focussed on the ball until it blurred.

The crystal clouded before clearing to reveal the 3 Broomsticks Pub.

Wolf whistles echoed through the glass and around the room.

The group of students stared transfixed as a giant woman walked onto the stage. She wore a turquoise dress with sequinned gloves. Her lips were painted bright red and she opened her mouth to sing.

'Oh,' Michael started.

'My,' Jayne continued.

'God,' Morag finished.

'It's Hagrid!' Trip choked out through his laughter.

'Come and get it big boys!' the half giant crowed seductively.

Terry covered his eyes and started shaking his head.

'No, no, no, no,' he chanted over and over again.

Padma was starting to turn green and Kevin was cracking up with laughter.

'Even I can hit those notes,' he cackled.

'Change it Turpin!' Padma growled menacingly.

'Alright, alright,' she giggled.

The scene faded into another room recognisable as the Defence classroom.

'Remus, it's YOUR fantasy, what are you so ashamed of?' Tonks giggled from her perch on her desk.

She was sporting short, curly, white blonde hair and was wearing a long woolly white jersey over white stockings.

Professor Lupin came out of their chambers wearing a ripped button up and old jeans. His hair was messy and he grinned wildly.

'Baaaa,' Tonks bleated appreciatively.

The students stared for a second before bursting into laughter.

'Mmm, I knew that snitches could be used for other purposes.'

Eleven pairs of eyes went wide and the twelfth squinted.

"Hoochie-Mama!" Michael yelled.

Hooch was lying somewhere, holding and broomstick and a snitch.

'Oh Severus!'

'For fuck's sake! This is fucking ridiculous!' Jayne yelled, 'change it!'

The scene changed.

'Oh fuck no!'

'Oh, that is, NO!'

Jayne waved her hand at the ball and it shattered.

The group stared at each other in horror before shuddering collectively.

'Poor Mrs. Norris,' Jayne muttered.

'Aw Jayne!'

'Y'know, I've got an idea…' Trip mused.

Jayne looked up at him and snorted, 'dibs on Dad!'

Trip laughed, 'only so long as get Dumbles!'

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A/N: Chapter 2 coming soon... very soon, as in, give us 5 or 10 minutes.