He says you can't.
You try again and take his face in between the palms of your hands and watch him close his eyes and bite his lower lip, that full, sinfully engorged lip. You remember how sweet it tasted last night when you were suckling it hungrily in one of the abandoned toilet stalls of the 'It's a terrible life'-set. You loved how his legs wrapped around your waist as you pushed yourself home again and again, how his fingers grabbed onto the skin of your shoulders convulsively with every joint movement. It was the best feeling in the world and the sounds he was making nearly drove you insane with want. You want to hear them again since you're both in the privacy of your trailer now and it's way past shooting hours. You know that no one will come and disturb you at this time of the night.
"Who do you think you're fooling other than yourself, Jen?" You ask him, caressing your right thumb over his cheekbone, distracted by how soft his skin feels and how big of a contrast it is with his stubble that you feel against your palm.
"We can't keep doing this," He says and moves out of your grip, pushing off the couch to stand.
You grab his arm.
"Then why do you keep coming to me?"
You're not looking at him, but you know that he's staring at your ceiling with a guilty expression. You know that whatever denial he's going to come up with now will be a lie. You know, because he still hasn't pulled his wrist away from your grip.
"I love her, Jar."
Ok, that you know isn't a lie. You know how devoted a boyfriend he is. You know how devoted you were with Sandy too, but that didn't keep you from checking Jen out whenever you had the chance. You broke up with her not because of Jen, but because you and her both felt that you wanted different things in life. Yes, it gave you the opportunity to explore what it was exactly that attracted you to your co-star, but the break-up still crushed you just the same.
In a way you understand him, but in your opinion, you cannot love someone completely, as in being in love with that person, and sleep with someone else.
"I know you do, but that still doesn't answer my question."
He falls silent then and you look up at him when the silence drags on and your hand is still wrapped around his wrist. "Jen?"
"I'm 31 years old," he says, his head bent now, a small melancholic smirk on his lips. "And I'm not getting any younger."
You frown at that statement, wondering if you read the 'in betweens' correctly. "Jen," you say, standing and moving in front of him. That's when you notice the tears in his eyes and you understand that you indeed heard what he left unsaid.
"I'm sorry…" he whispers and you take him in your arms, burying your face in his neck and breathing in the clean scent of his skin.
Jensen always smells clean and you've always loved that about him, because it's another thing you differ in. Where he's well-kept and groomed, you're messy and nonchalant about the way you look.
"Why do we have to sacrifice what we have?" you whisper and you hear him chuckle softly. Sometimes you forget that there's an age gap of four years between you and him and that he's wise beyond his years. So him telling you that in order to keep your entourage happy ,you have to keep your sexual relationship a secret, doesn't come as a surprise to you.
It's the most sensible thing to do.
"Do you think that once the show wraps up you and I…?"
He presses a soft kiss on your cheek and you close your eyes to cherish the touch. "Why wait until then?"
You let him go and give him one of those look he says makes you look like a confused puppy and watch him chuckle. "I still want you, Jar. And it's not that I'm ashamed of it, not anymore anyway."
You both laugh and you know he's recalling the many wacky displays of public affection between the two of you over the past years.
You know it's not necessary to mention her, she's never been an issue before, so you're not going to start it up now. You understand now that Jensen wants to continue keeping your relationship a secret, and that's fine with you. You won't condemn him for wanting to do it this way, you get it. You don't need people knowing you have met the most important person in your life. You can keep that secret just between the two of you. And no one will ever be able to take it away.
Even if he marries her and you know that he will, you've already seen the ring, it won't change how you both feel.
You never said it and he never said it, but you know it's there.
It's in the way he moves closer and kisses you oh so softly, his mouth tasting of beer and the candy he ate from your secret stash earlier. It's in the way he pulls you in by your collar and leads you down onto the couch again.
It's also reflected in the way your clothes fly around the room and the desperate need you feel whenever you have him under you like right now, panting your name and frantically tugging at your belt.
When you finally slide inside of him, it's with a shared sigh and for a moment you're lost in the bliss that is him until his hands pull you back towards him and you kiss, drinking him off his lips, biting his skin in an effort to take his taste with you, wanting to be with him in every possible way.
He cries out as you quicken the pace and the sweat is dripping off of you by then, your arms trembling on each side of his head, supporting half of you weight and the weight of his legs wrapped around your hips in a tight grip. You go deeper than you ever have before and he's mewling and babbling praises beneath you and you smile, mesmerized by how beautiful he is right then, all flushed and full of you inside of him.
You feel the words come up in you and that's when he opens his eyes and you find the same words there. You bury your face in the crook of his shoulder and moan softly as you shoot deep within him, his body hugging you in all the right places, greedily milking you dry.
He whispers your name and you find the strength to move and look at him only to find him smiling softly with his eyes closed.
"Don't move," he murmurs and you smile back.
You watch him come undone after a few moments and you know that there's no one in the entire world that can make him orgasm the way you do.
It's a secret and it only exists between you and him.
And it's right where it's supposed to be.