Fireflies

Since I can remember I can see supernatural things. As a child they scared me sometimes. Now… well, sometimes they scare me even now. More than ever. But I learned that not every supernatural being is bad. Some of them can be quiet nice. And sometimes they are a better company than humans can ever be for me.

I`m the weird one after all.

Life sure wasn`t easy for me. I was always an outsider. Someone nobody wanted to talk to, because – who ever wants to talk to the kid that says he can see things that don`t even exist? – no one does. I had to learn that in a hard way. Throwing stones at me was just one of these ways to show me. Calling me names just another. Everywhere I went it wasn`t different.

I came around a lot.

After my parents died my relatives tried to take care of me, but… they just didn`t want to. I was creepy, they said. It didn`t take long I was in another town, another relative, more abuse by other kids. And along the way, I had just one question: Why does no other person see them?

Why only me?

Right, I wasn`t the only one. Considering that I had this ability from my grandmother. Sadly she died already too. I only inherit some of her most treasured things. At least that is what people told me. People I couldn`t even call family anymore, people I never saw before. I should be happy, right? It is better than to live on the streets after all. At least I had a roof over my head.

But why do I feel so alone?

You know, there is this story. When I was a kid, maybe 5 or 6 years old, I met this woman at the playground. I was just sitting on the swing, alone. I was crying once again, because no one understood me. No one saw these beings. I was just so lonely back then, maybe that's why I was so weak. So innocent and weak that I couldn`t see it. But she was just so nice to me. She asked me why I was crying, what I was doing there alone. I asked her why no one could see all those things. Of course she didn`t know, but she told me something that made me unbelievable happy. She could see them too. And I smiled. I was just so glad that I finally found someone that could understand me, other things didn`t matter to that time.

I came back the next day, she always was at the playground. Thinking of it now, I should have noticed how I saw her never leaving it. But I was blind and just a child. I should have seen it coming, but I didn`t and that's what broke my little heart even more. One day, we were just talking happily to that time, an old lady walked past us. She saw me, but her words brought tears to my eyes.

"What are you doing here so alone?"

It felt like someone ripped my heart out of my body and stomped on it carelessly. I broke down in tears. Why? Why only me? Why has it to be me?

"Go away! Go away!"

I shouted loudly. She should just leave me alone. I was so disappointed, so angry. Why did she have to give me hope only to shatter it in thousand pieces at the end? My world surrounding me slowly crumbled. It´s pieces collapsing over my small body. I felt like an empty shell.

I`m older now. Looking back at my child self, it sure characterized me. Now, I almost feel sorry for that woman. She was just so lonely too after all. She just wanted some company that she found in a small boy. I wonder what happened to her. I must have hurt her a lot. She must have felt my pain too.

But I can`t change it now, can I?

Growing up also meant for me to learn that these beings held many names. For some people they were ghosts or demons. A long time ago they were even called the devil. In Japan they are called Youkai and here in Korea they were just Gwishin. But unlike in all these movies about ghosts and other beings, they weren`t always those hungry and pale long haired woman that want to kill you. They have several faces, several ways to act. Some just wanted to live calmly. I personally liked these Gwishin the most.

Maybe that`s why I found him.

I was on a school trip in the woods, when I decided to just wander around a bit. I couldn`t bear to be near my classmates any longer. Don`t get me wrong, they are nice. Since my early teens I kept my ability a secret, to protect myself and to not bother my current caretakers. They were a nice old couple and I liked them a lot. Even though our relationship seemed a bit awkward to me at some points, to me they felt like family. A family I never had. But it still bothers me to be around people. I got hurt too much in my past. So it felt nice to be by myself for a moment, even though it still made me lonely.

I found out that these woods held a lot in them. There were nice places to sit down and just relax, watching how the wind strokes these trees big upper crowns. You could hear birds singing and leaves rustling. And for once there was no Gwishin in sight. Soon night fall came and I was on my way back to the camp, when I came upon a small pond. It looked beautiful, the moon shining down on small water waves. I didn`t know why, but I felt so enchanted by the sight.

It only took me a minute to decide to go near it and take a closer look. Other things could wait. I wasn`t in a rush after all and the cool breeze felt good in this warm summer night. I walked down a stony path. I had to look closely to not stumble over my own feet or other things. As I finally reached my goal the sight greeting me down here was even more breathtaking. Not daring to make a single sound as I didn`t want to destroy the picture in front of me. There in the air, thousands of fireflies were floating carelessly. They seemed so free, the wind taking them wherever they wanted to.

I almost envied them.

And as these small bugs drew me in more and more, I didn`t notice something coming near me from behind. But one sudden wrong step of that person or being ripped me out of my dream like state. And with that sound all these beautiful fireflies vanished into nothing. It made me angry. I could watch these wonderful beings anymore. I even was so angry that I wanted to scream at that person to just leave already, maybe they would come back.

But as I turned around, I didn`t find a person. I found a Gwishin, not older looking than me and he was glowing. He was absolutely stunning. From head to toe. I just couldn`t stop staring at him. He didn`t even had to say a word for me to fall in love with him immediately.

But I knew it wasn`t possible. How could this ever go right?

As the first shock for both of us left our bodies, we somehow ended sitting in the grass. If we would sit just half a meter away, maybe we would feel the still wet shore. I would let my fingers slip through the wet sand just to feel the difference between the several grounds beneath our clothed bottoms. Would he feel the difference too? I sure felt the difference between him and all these other Gwishin I met in my life.

Or am I blinded by my feelings for him?

Am I blinded by his dull radiance at night?

Or was it his curiosity in humans that let me come back to him every day and night?

We talked so much. We talked about many things. Sometimes we even played around. I can`t deny it, he made me feel alive. He just captivated me with a move of his soft eyelashes, with his gorgeous black hair floating in the wind or his deep eyes, looking straight at me right into my soul. My body shivered every time his petit hands touched my hair or grabbed my arm. His lovely voice so delicate and soft, it almost seemed like a whisper. And his smile, his magnificent smile. Everything about him seemed to be from a different world. Something I never saw before.

If he told me he was an angel, I would believe him immediately.

"What´s your name?"

I asked him one day. I somehow didn`t dare to ask him earlier, but time seemed so short with him by my site. He told me he doesn`t has a name. And I wondered what I should call him. But as I thought more about it, there was one name that suited him perfectly.

"Kibum."

And he asked me why I choose this name. I almost laughed at his clueless face, but I told him with a soft smile that the name means "pure" and he was just the purest thing in this world to me. I knew he liked the name as I saw his checks getting painted with rose petals, a small smile forming on his lips. And he just looked so cute, when his eyes met mine in a shy manner. I didn`t know what to expect, but it surely surprised me as he hugged me tightly, whispering a low thank you in my ear.

It shocked me to find out that already one week passed since we met at the pond and I had only half a week left. It draw on me than, that I would leave all too soon.

What should I do?

I can`t leave without telling him where I would go. It wouldn`t be fair to him. Would I even tell him how I feel? I knew only one thing – I would definitely regret not telling him anything, so I did the right thing to do the next time we met.

It was another of these warm summer nights and my last as I finally told him.

"I will leave tomorrow and I`m not sure if I ever will come back."

I looked into his eyes as I told him slowly, but his gaze was too strong for me. His beautiful deep eyes. They made my breathe stop once again.

"It doesn`t matter."

And I wondered what he meant with his words.

"What do you mean?"

"Jonghyun… soon, I will be goon – so it doesn`t matter if you ever come back. I already lived too long in this world."

Somehow my memories from that playground came back to me. Maybe it`s because I almost felt the same. I already could hear my heart cracking. And it didn`t take long for the first tear to roll down my check.

"I love you Kibum."

So why do you have to go? So why do you have to leave my weak heart alone again? You know, it wouldn`t be that bad if I could see you from time to time. It wouldn`t feel this painful. But you will leave me forever.

I`m pathetic, to cry in front of you so endlessly. To still cry as you took my body into your arms and caressed my head like you would do it to a little child. And like a child I held onto you tightly as if you would disappear any second. I wasn`t ready for this. I wasn`t ready to lose you jet. So I held you tighter, my head on your shoulder. Somehow you had yours on mine too.

Say, will you miss me out there?

I wanted to ask you, but I couldn`t as your body began to glow at this warm summer night. Your smile interrupting my thoughts as you pushed your head off my shoulder. You didn`t have to tell me. I knew it as I met your gaze.

It´s time.

And once again I can`t form in into words, the picture he gave me in that moment. His body slowly dissolved into hundreds glimmering dots. It seemed like his body carried so many small fireflies, they filled the whole area around the pond – leaving only one single one on the back of my hand. And as he made his way up into the air, I felt like this small firefly whispered something to me. But I couldn`t understand his words.

"Goodbye Kibum."

My beautiful firefly, floating in the air. Now he is as free as the wind, lightening the dark night beautifully.

Now, all these years later I still remember it clearly, meeting you. You, my firefly. Looking back, it was probably the best that ever happened to me. And it was also the worst. Seeing as my heart broke once again.

But I regret nothing,

my love.