My name is Eren Jaeger. The name will always be the same, but I'm no longer who I used to be. I'm the empty shell of who Eren Jaeger used to be. The man I love is... dead.
My goal in life was to kill all titans. I was never afraid, and I worked hard to be a skilled soldier who could take down titans as easily as scratching my own neck. I joined the Survey Corps, working under the man I've always looked up to, ever since I was a child, dreaming about defending humankind. Lance Corporal Levi.
My admiration soon evolved into affection as I got to know him. Most people will remember him as rude, violent and a clean-freak. I'll remember him for the man who got under my skin. He never saw me as the monster I am, and he trusted me. He was so beautiful.
I confessed my love for him, and even though he rejected me, I saw sadness in his eyes. I got the feeling, that haven't I been his subordinate, things might have worked out differently. After I confessed, he never tried to avoid me; we still spend time together, and he let me tell him over and over again, how much I loved him.
I've lost track of how much time has passed by. It feels as if the objectives of time has changed in the headquarters. We're not talking about tomorrow or yesterday, we are not talking about months or seasons, and since none of us leave the ground any more, we don't really pay attention to the time passing by.
I've seen soldiers come and go from the headquarters; some of them brought us food, some of them came to deliver messages from Commander Erwin, who were bed-bound after he lost his right arm. We've been brought supplies four times, eleven messages has been delivered and I've gone to Levi's old office three times. How long it actually corresponds to, I don't know.
Armin once told me, that there are many ways to deal with grief. One of them is to confront the grief, face it, and that's what I tried doing, the three times I went to Levi's office.
Levi loved his office; it was the only place he could go to get some peace and quiet, and he always kept it spotless. Needless to say, it's not spotless any more. There's a thin layer of dust on every surface and spiders have spun webs in every corner of the room. No one comes here but me.
We spend a lot of time here together. We rarely talked, but I think Levi liked to have me here while doing his paperwork. He told me he wanted to train me to become a squad-leader one day, but I feel like he just liked my company. I often sat in the windowsill and looked at the forest outside the headquarters, listening to him scribbling and sighing every time he read something he thought was absolutely idiotic.
The first time I came to his office after he died, I sat down in the corner of the room, next to his cabinet with one of his blankets around me and looked out at the office. It was exactly as he left it the last time I saw him, and I could still feel how he had decorated it; simple and functional and planned down to the smallest detail. As I sat there, the first time I was there after his death, wrapped in blankets that still smelled of him, I saw him walking around in the office. He was wearing the plain white pants that we all have, along with his white button-up shirt and the cravat, walking around like he always did when figuring out a solution to a problem. I pulled the blanket tighter around my shoulders, and he looked down at me, smiled and cocked his head. Then he disappeared.
The second time I went to his office, wrapped in blankets once again, which had lost a little of the smell, he showed up again. He was standing by the window, looking out at the forest as the sun set over the treetops. He looked like someone who was lost in thoughts, just like he always did, when joining me by the window. As the sun disappeared behind the trees and the room lowly turned darker, he looked down at me again. I didn't dare blinking, afraid that he would disappear every second now. His sad eyes rested on mine for a moment, before he once again offered me a smile, and disappeared.
The third time I went to his office, I slowly removed the dust from the windowsill and sat there, at the exact same spot as I used to sit before he died. I looked out the window, waiting for him to show up again. As I felt his presence, I turned to look at the room; he was walking around with a handkerchief around his black hair, cleaning the room. For every step he took, he stepped down lightly on his toes. His movements were elegant and cat-like, just like when he was in battle. He moved to the desk next to the window and began sorting the papers after dusting off the surface of the desk. I had been on cleaning-duty so many times and tried to clean after his standards, but I never managed to get it right. By now, I had settled on never being able to preform the task like he did, but I was still fascinated by his ability to catch every single piece of dust.
After stacking the papers, he looked up at me, locking eyes with me. He held the eye-contact for so long, that I almost forgot that it wasn't really him. Then he opened a drawer and pulled something out, hiding it behind his back. He took a few steps closer to me, and I didn't let my eyes leave his face for a second. Then he showed me what he had taken from the drawer, and extended his arm to offer it to me. It was a bright red rose, which he had probably gotten from the yard outside the headquarters.
I looked at his graceful movements as he moved, and I didn't dare blink out of fear that he would disappear again. My throat tightened and I couldn't swallow. As he stood before me with the rose close enough to my face, that I should be able to sense it's mild fragrance, I didn't dare to breathe. I knew that if I couldn't smell it, he would disappear and maybe take a bite of the memories with him. I closed my eyes for a second, and swallowed hard, as warm tears ran down my cheeks while I took a deep breath through my nose and opened my eyes again. All I could smell was the fading scent of Levi from the blanket around me. The only thing I saw was the empty, dirty office where I sat alone in the windowsill.
After the memories of Levi had been embodied like that, I decided that it was not a way to deal with my grief. But it reminded me of something I once heard about past lives. If a person dies in an accident, they can be reborn in the family of their beloved ones, one or more generations later. I have never believed in such things, but after a long time where my life had been stalled, I was willing to believe in anything - anything to get Levi back. The idea finding a girlfriend and get her pregnant, despite my young age, suddenly seemed appealing if it meant that there was even the slightest chance that Levi's soul would live through my child. I needed him - we all needed him! But I know a child won't be the solution.
Maybe all of us were trying to find a way to bring him back when we were sitting in the dinning-hall in the evenings, without uttering a single word. For a long time, it was all I could think about, but what went through the minds of my comrades, I'll never know. We shared nothing verbally, but somehow we managed to comfort each other when we were sitting there, day in and day out. We were together in a way you can't imagine until you experience it; a deep, heavy silence that is heartbreaking because it's only there as a poor replacement for Levi's presence, and yet it's comforting because it is filled with understanding and shows that it's okay not to say anything. We never talked.
We had lost a lot of men during the fight after Reiner and Berthold had showed their true colours, and out of the survivors, only a few weren't injured. Levi had joined us at the cottage after his meeting with Hanji, Erwin and Pixis back in the city. His leg was still broken, but he demanded to watch over me, since he still believed I was humanity's hope. I had cleaned the cottage as thoroughly as possible before his arrival, and he actually seemed satisfied with my efforts. We spend a couple of days in the cottage, as the other's got to know him and his demands a little better. Then he arranged for us to move back to the headquarters, as he wanted to get back to his office.
We spend a lot of time together in his office, just like in the 'old days' before Petra, Erd, Auruo and Gunther died. I told him every day that I loved him, and the last day, he thanked me for loving him.
Later that day, the headquarters were under attack. We never found out where the titan's came from, as the wall hadn't been broken. They just appeared out of nowhere. I wanted to transform to my titan-form, but I couldn't. For the first time, I felt scared. Levi insisted on fighting even though he was still hurt and wasn't able to move like he used to. I fought along, trying to take down all the titans before he had the chance to get near them. I didn't care about losing an arm or a leg, I knew they would grow back out, I just had to keep them away from Levi.
I was blinded by fear and anger, and I made a mistake. I don't remember what happened, but I found myself on the ground, facing the dark sky above me and unable to move. I couldn't feel my arms or legs, and I didn't even want to turn my head to see if they were still there. I was exhausted. I felt empty. I had given it all I had.
Levi appeared before me, falling to his knees and trying to make me focus on him. I could see him yelling at me while tears formed in the corners of his eyes. I could hear the sound of his voice, but I couldn't understand a single word. He touched my face with long, cold fingers and a tear fell from his eyes to my face.
I could feel the ground shake under me, as I tried to focus what little energy I had left on regenerating, even though I knew it was hopeless. Then I felt something large slam against my body with enormous strength, and I shut my eyes by the pain and lost consciousness.
I woke up to the sound of Mikasa's voice, yelling my name over and over. I opened my eyes and moved my sore limbs, as my body had regenerated while I was unconscious. I looked up at her tear-filled eyes, as I remembered what had happened. She tried to make me relax until I could be moved to the castle, but I pushed her away and got up.
It was dark by now, but my eyes caught what I was looking for; my worst fear.
Levi laid lifeless on the ground a couple of meters from me. He was hidden in the shadows of the forest around us, but there was no doubt it was him. The green cape was twisted around his body and his blades were lying next to him on the ground. As I walked towards the corpse, I could see his face. It was paler than usual, his mouth slightly open, smeared with his own blood. He looked peaceful yet broken. His dark grey eyes were half-lidded and turned towards where I'd been when I regained consciousness. All life had left those beautiful grey orbs. Levi was dead.
The twelfth time someone came to deliver a message, it was Commander Erwin himself. He had decided that we should be a little civilized and eat dinner together at the dining-hall. He cooked with a little help from Sasha and Connie, and set the table, while the rest of us walked around the headquarters like zombies, dumbfounded about what happened. Although we were only seven, Erwin set the table to eight. Maybe it was the force of habit, maybe it was a completely different power.
As we sat around the table, devouring Erwin's attempt to bring us back to life, I looked around the room and saw it clearly for the first time since Levi died. I registered what I was seeing, instead of just looking blankly at it without caring if it was there or not. I looked over at Mikasa, and sensed that she did the same. I looked over at the door to the broom-closet, which we had kept closed until now, since no-one cared to clean the dinner-hall any more The door was open now, and I could see the broom, entangled in spider-webs. Levi was standing next to it, looking down at the webs with disgust painted all over his face. He grabbed the handle hand kicked off the dirt before gathering it in a neat little pile on the floor.
I blinked, and he was still there. I looked over at Mikasa who was looking in the same direction as me. I looked back at, and expected Levi to be gone again. He was still there, and was now watching us. I wanted to call his name, but the word was only a whisper, as I was afraid that he would disappear by too much noise. I could feel the others around the table getting startled by my whisper, and they all looked at me and then followed my gaze. A warm feeling spread in the room when Levi - still with the broom in his hand - walked over to the table and sat down at the empty seat, where Erwin had place the extra plate. I could see from the corner of my eye that we all sat silently, watching him. We could all see him.
I got the feeling that he looked at us all at once. His grip on the broom tightened. I looked around the room, and he appeared everywhere - visualizing all the memories we had with him. By the next table, he was gathering plates, next he was cleaning the table, and again next to it he sitting lost in thoughts, sipping a cup of tea. He was everywhere.
The Levi, who was sitting with us at the table seemed most real. He held onto the broom as if he was afraid that it would disappear, just like we all held our breaths out of fear that he would disappear.
I could feel the burning tears in my eyes, and I let them run down my cheeks to keep them from blurring my vision. I didn't want to miss a single moment with him. He cried as well.
He whispered; "You will always have the memories," and bowed to my comrades on turn, thanking them for their loyalty, still with the broom in his hand.
Then he turned to me, and placed a soft kiss on my forehead. I could feel his soft lips pressed gently against my skin, and I closed my eyes, letting big, warm tears run down my face.
"When we meet again, I want to be allowed to love you," he whispered, as his grey eyes caught mine. They were gentle and full of life, though somewhat out of this world. "I'll wait for you."
Then he disappeared and took the broom with him. The memories still danced around us - elegant and cat-like.
He was right - we would always have the memories of him, but we knew it was time to say goodbye.