WARNING: this fic had been writing by Satan. Really, major angst under the line.
The surge
It's the middle of December, the sun isn't even up yet but here they are, Makoto and him, standing on the beach. Haru hesitates, but he had already taken his shoes off. He can't go back, not this time.
The sand is cold. It's harsh and hard on his soles but he keeps going. Makoto watches him as the sun timidly appears in the horizon. The Ocean is infinite to their eyes. The waves come and go, endlessly, and they will do until no one is left on this planet, until the earth turns into sand.
Haru stands at the very limit of the beach. He stops where he can see the sand getting darker where the Ocean reaches till there and, like each time, he can't go any further. His body refuses to obey. It's been a year and Haru still can't go into the water. He stands, and stays still, maybe for a whole hour. Makoto only comes when people starts to look at them with worried eyes - because most of them know what's really going on, and most of them care.
"Haru, I'm going to be late if I don't go now. Let me drive you home."
He doesn't answer. He needs to touch the water again. He's going to make it, he just needs more time. He needs...
He needs Rin to be there and to hold his hand. He needs him to walk in the Ocean with him like they used to.
It's been a year and the pain hasn't lessen one bit. It still hurts like hell when Haru wakes up in an empty bed.
"Haru...you'll try another time, not now. Please, Haru."
"No!"
Makoto tries to grab his arm but Haru jerks it away. In the confusion he trips, his foot glued in the wet sand and he almost falls, almost touches the water; he almost disappears the same way Rin did, taken away by the waves, never to wake up again.
It's been a year since Haru hasn't swim. Since he hasn't felt anything.
Because of the waves.
"Can you drop me there?" Haru asks.
Makoto doesn't look pleased, it's not on his way, he'll have to make a detour but eventually, Haru knows he will drive him. Because Makoto knows he needs this, that it's the only thing he has left. And as expected, he gives in.
"Okay, but don't stay too long. Gou told me they were going to spend the afternoon there as well."
He knows he is unwanted there, and after all everything is his fault, so he understands them, he doesn't blame them; only him should be, he should have drown with him, he should have because even if he is the one breathing properly Haru doesn't feel alive at all.
.
o0o0o
.
They used to jog a lot, on mornings.
Rin would spend the night at his place and they would run along the beach. One night they had been too tired to pull down the futon, so they have shared his bed. Rin had never slept on the floor ever again.
This morning, Haru remembers it clearly, Rin was hugging him from behind, and his breath was tickling the back of his neck. He had looked at his clock; they were late for their daily routine jog. The funny thing was, that Haru knew Rin was awake as well. He had learned him, learned his body like the back of his hand and the rhythm of his breathing when he was sleeping, and he was sure that Rin was just pretending right now. Rin hugged him closer, tighter against his chest and from what Haru felt on his thights at this moment he knew that Rin didn't really want to run this morning.
It was great, really, because Haru didn't want to run either today. And the day before that, and a lot and lot of mornings before as well.
He turned around. "Hey." he said. Rin still pretended he was sleeping so he brushed his cheeks with his thumbs. "Rin, I know you're awake..." he whispered in his ears.
Rin's arm was still curled behind him, and somehow it had found a place much lower on the small of his back. When he opened his eyes Haru couldn't believe how dark they looked. Their faces were so close. He should have kissed him then. Maybe if he had things would have never happened the way they did.
Rin blushed furiously and literally jumped out of the bed. "We're late!" he said, and shouted in the house. Haru only rolled on the bed, and smiled. People had to be blind not to see where all of this was going in the end, eventually.
They basically lived together. They slept together, ate together, watched TV together. They even did the groceries together - well, Haru ate fish and Rin meat, and each one of them had the bad tendency of forgetting the other one's favorite meal just to annoy him. They hugged while they slept. Sometimes, they even felt asleep with their fingers entwined. It was no secret, they loved each other, they were already together; they just hadn't found the time to properly say it yet.
He should have kissed him that morning.
Instead they had jogged, along the beach, like any other wasted morning when they could have done more. Rin had dared him, challenged him, that he could swim in the Ocean at this time of the year. It was the middle of December. He never challenged him again - the waves took him away, and now Rin sleeps peacefully without him, and he hopes someone is holding his hand when he can't do it himself.
.
o0o0o
.
Makoto drops him in front of the white building. He doesn't have time to say hello today, he is late for Uni. Haru has stopped coming to class since Rin had drown. It's fine, he thinks, anyway he is totally useless since that day. Sometimes he can't even cook for his life - he ate raw mackerel one day and got sick; since that time Makoto brings him something to eat at least twice a week.
He directly goes to the 3rd floor. Some of the nurses recognize him. It's been a year, and now this room where Rin sleeps on the ICU feels like a second home. His own pillow is hidden in one of the cupboard. Rin's mother doesn't want to see him here, she probably still makes him responsible for what had happened - and, he can't blame her, he won't but she can't forbid him to see Rin, she has no right to.
"You're there early, Haruka-kun."
The nurse he sees almost each time that he visits is there today as well. Her smile is kind. He likes her, a lot, because when she talks about Rin it feels like he is still there with them.
"Look how gorgeous he looks today," he says as she opens the door for him. "He even smiled when we washed him this morning."
And indeed he looks better, better than any other days Haru can remember. His hair falls on his forehead like they used to. The blouse he is wearing hides the scar on his throat. He breathes alone, his heart beats; he is still alive but he can't wake up.
"Do you want to help with the dressing?" she asks.
Due to being immobile Rin's skin under his heels got damaged. But thanks to daily care, and Haru's constant attention Rin is recovering in no time. The skin is just a little bit red today.
"I'm going to call the doctor, but I think we can let it in the open air. It's almost healed."
"Ah." Haru smiles, it's a good news; and good news are rare nowadays.
"Do you want to comb his hair?"
Haru nods, and with her help they make Rin sit straight on the medical bed. It's part of their routine. They used to jog; now Haru takes care of him with the nurses. It's barely enough to keep him alive, but he can't ask for more.
Once he is finished he takes out his pillow and lays with Rin on the bed. He moves him, so that his joins won't get hurt, so that Rin won't be uncomfortable if he wakes up. This time, he is the one holding him from behind.
"You know," the nurse says before leaving them alone, "he really looks happier when you're there." She stops half way throw closing the door. "It's a shame they don't want you to stay..."
"It's okay." he murmurs. He doesn't want to bother Rin with that. Doctors told him that even if he was asleep, Rin could still hear them talking. Haru doubts it's true, but just in case, the words he speaks are only full of love and happiness.
He hugs Rin closer, tighter to his chest. "Goodnight, Rin." He whispers. He holds his hand and then, he falls asleep just like that.
The nurse wakes him up just before Rin's family comes in. He doesn't have time to hide his pillow. He leaves him like a thief in the night, the shape of his body still printed on the mattress next to Rin, the ghost of their fingers entwined still lingering on his skin.
.
o0o0o
.
Six months after the incident, Rin's family had decided that it was enough. They couldn't stand the sight of their son, brother or grandson, barely alive thanks to three different machines, the sight of the tube that allowed him to breathe but which was cutting is throat in half. So even if his heart was still beating, by common consent with the medical team, they had decided to turn off the respirator. Everybody was of course welcomed to say goodbye, and an hour had been decided.
It was a warm day of June. Haru was standing in front of the pool. Gou had called him; it was for today, in two hours at the most. Just two more hours and Rin would disappear from the world. He didn't know why he had ended up here. No, in fact he knew why; the pool had always been his refuge, his hiding place, where he always found the serenity and calmness he needed. Until that cold December morning, the pool had always been a reflex each time he had felt vulnerable.
But everything had changed. He wasn't the same person, and Haru sometimes doubted that he even was anymore. His legs had walked on their own and here he was, in his jammers standing in front of the pool, alone, when he shouldn't be there. All his friends were waiting for him at Makotot's house and he was hiding. Rin needed him. He couldn't go if Haru wasn't there, could he? Without the one who mattered the most to him. Without the one he had loved the most...
If only he could just jump in. If only he could forget everything and get dazed into the water like he used to.
Could they understand how hard it was for him? He didn't want to say goodbye. He had never agreed with that common consent, and yet they all said that He was the one Rin loved the most, but he wasn't family, they didn't even officially live together, or were together, no one had told the other they loved each other but it was indeed very true. But love meant nothing. When it should have mattered the most people tried to ignore it, to shut him down. What was next then? Would they forbid him the right to come and see him as he pleased?
But it wasn't even that. They were killing Rin. They were letting him go and Haru wouldn't have any other chance to see him.
His legs collapsed on themselves. Haru almost fell in the pool but Makoto was there, miraculously. He helped him stand but it was too late. Haru started to breath quickly, and soon he was panting. He was scared that they'd take him away. Scared that it would kill him in the process. It was getting harder and harder to breathe - Haru wondered at that moment if it was what he felt when he drowned.
Minutes later - Haru didn't recall how Makoto put him in the car - they were at the ER. A young intern said he had made a panic attack, that he needed to stay calm and relax. She gave him some medication. She said it would make him sleep a little, but Haru didn't have time for that. He checked on his phone.
The time was over, passed from twenty minutes.
"What happened?" he asked, terrified. Makoto was still holding his hand.
"They had to sedate you a bit when you first came in." He explained calmly. "They have to use something with a needle and you slept almost an hour."
Haru eyes widened and looked for some clues on Makoto's face, of what happened to Rin.
"He is still alive," he said, but his voice his broken when he spoke. "But they say he doesn't have much time. They turned off the respiratory machine twenty minutes ago. Gou said she would text me if something-"
Haru stood up and managed to escape from the intern's grip. He even passed Makoto without any problem.
"Haru!" He called him. "You can't go there!"
But he needed to go there before it's too late. Rin needed him and he was late and-
"Where do you think you're going, Haruka-kun?"
The voice was a feminine one. When Haru turned around a middle aged woman, dressed in black from head to toes, her chestnut hair arranged with a strict bun, looked at him with severe and red eyes.
Rin's mother's hands and lip were shaking; Haru thought it was from sadness when in reality it was from rage.
"You're twenty minutes late."
"Is he okay?"
"Where were you Haruka-kun?"
"Is he still alive?"
"I have asked you a question!"
Her voice was loud enough to make every noise in the corridor of the ER stopped, except from the ones coming from the machines. Everybody was looking at them. Why would she make a scene right there when Rin was still up there? Could it mean that...Oh no.
"Don't tell me it's too late. Don't tell me he is-"
"You have no right to ask for him! You weren't there!" She yelled, and her fist slammed on the wall nearby. "Every time he had needed you, you weren't there. Where were you twenty minutes ago? Where were you when he drowned!? You could have saved him, you could have reanimated him, and yet you didn't! And now you didn't even have the guts to say goodbye!"
Haru fell on his knees.
So it was all over.
Rin was dead.
He had taken his last breath; surrounding by all his beloved but him. Life left Haru's eyes the moment he learned about Rin's death; it's almost as if he missed Rin's grandmother coming over to protect him and stop Rin's mother from going near him.
"You know it's not his fault," the old one said. "You know they have all perished by the Ocean and will all perished that way. It's the curse on the Matsuoka family-"
"Do you really expect me to accept that bullshit!? Rin didn't drown because of a curse, he drowned because he was head over heels with that boy! This has nothing to do with his father, or his grandfather, no, Rin wasn't on duty, he was just too stupidly in love with him to notice he was putting his life in danger."
"And you know what is the most unbearable for me? For his own mother?" she said, her voice loud and heavy with tears as she looked back at Haru, knelt on the floor. "Rin is my own flesh. He is one of the two precious gifts Torachi left me when he died. I have raised him, I have watched him grow and build himself. I have loved him more than anyone in the world, for I am his mother. And still, still, he chose you. In the end every single decision he took in his life was related to you. And I couldn't even hate you for that because you made him so happy. I had never seen my son so happy than when he was with you. So even if it meant that I wouldn't see him that often, as a mother I let him go, I let him go with you and I thought, really, from the bottom of my heart that it was the best decision I have ever made.
"I have entrusted my child to you, Haruka-kun, and look at him now. Look at you. You weren't even there to say goodbye. Every day you were there with us and I could literally see him smile, every time you entered the room, something we had never been able to do and yet, you weren't there. I will never forgive you for that. I've entrusted my child to you and you've let him down."
Haru felt too shaken to think of a reply. Even if he could, he doubted he could find something to say back.
"He is still breathing, but I'm sure that he is just waiting for you to go. So, no it's not too late, but you don't deserve my son's love, you really don't. You can say goodbye to him, and then, you will go, and never come back again."
He felt like someone had knock him out with a hammer blow. Rin was still breathing? Rin was alive? All the things she had said, were they all true? Had he really been so unworthy, since the very beginning? Had Rin always been too much of a gift for him?
He had been there. He had tried to save him. But the waves took him away. The waves killed him, and he couldn't do anything to prevent it.
"I've tried," he cried on Makoto's shoulder. "I've tried so hard but I couldn't find him."
"I know," he says, as he dragged Haru to the 3rd floor were Rin was being hospitalized. "I know you did your best. But she is a mother, she loves him and I guess it's hard for her not to be the last person he wanted to see before going - and to realize that this very person isn't there for her son made her feel sick, probably."
When they arrived the first thing that struck them was the absence of the tube coming from his throat. Rin had been watched and clothed; he was wearing his favorite vest and even had his necklace on. Sousuke was holding Gou; she was still crying on her shoulder. Haru avoided her gaze, he knew she might hate him as well. The machine links to his chest still worked. They could all see his heart race, and the regularity of his breathing.
"It's a miracle," the doctor said. "Now we just have to wait till he wakes up. I can't tell you when it'll occur. He might even never happen at all. But you have to keep hoping. It will help him."
Rin's hand felt warm when Haru held it. He was afraid he was going to stop living as soon as he touched him but Rin kept on, days and days after that, even if they still had no clue of when he would eventually wake up.
.
o0o0o
.
It's been one year, three months and five days. Makoto can't help but count in his mind. Life had been drastically different since that incident. Not only it had been hard for him to loose a friend, but ever since Rin has been hospitalized, Haru had started to disappear. Little by little, the friend he knew fades away. It feels to him that he had lost both of them that day, it feels like Haru had drowned with Rin and never intended to resurface without him.
Makoto is worried. Really worried. Haru had let himself go so much that he doesn't even eat properly. He had lost so much weight; all his muscle had melt away overnight, his face is even more paler than usual and the circles under his eyes...he has absolutely no idea of how terrible he looks.
He thinks about it a lot, even when he is outside, hanging out the washing. There is a cool breeze, and the sun is bright, up in the sky. He thinks about it so much than he misses Sousuke's call. He only sees it hours later, when worried about Haru again he checks if his childhood friend doesn't need anything.
Nine missed calls.
Fifteen unread messages.
'Rin is waking up. You should come.'
'Bring Haru.'
'He asks for him.'
The sheet he was hanging falls on the grass. He runs to Haru's house without taking his stuff. It's only when they're at the car than he realizes he had forgot the key.
When he turns around to go back to the house, Haru is crying. His eyes have never felt so alive.
When they arrive they first see everybody waiting in the corridor in front of Rin's. Everyone is crying tears of joy, have their hands stuck on the glass of the window separating them from Rin. Sousuke sees them coming and then, everybody turns their head, and the fuzz of happiness stops as their eyes fall on Haru.
Nagisa and Rei smile. Sousuke looks more severe; Rin's mother is with him right now, and considering he had asked for Haru all day, it's pretty clear in his mind that she won't be pleased to see him. He disappears inside Rin's room and when he comes back it's with Gou and her mother.
Her eyes are red again, just like this day when they have turned the machine off. But this time her lips are shaking with happiness.
"Haruka-kun. It's seems you're late again."
His legs are on fire. Haru just has one thought in mind, to run towards the room, to run toward Rin and to hug him and never let him go until the end of his life.
"Can I go in?" he asks, his voice unsure.
She simply nods. Her voice was too weak for her to talk.
When he walks in Rin still looks like he is asleep, and Haru's heart stops. But his breathing...it's his regular breathing, the one he had that morning when he pretended to be asleep. Rin is not sleeping anymore. Rin is alive, and when he finally opens his eyes he grins tiredly, and pats the side of his bed where Haru usually sleeps when he comes here. His eyelids are half closed, he looks pretty exhausted for someone who had slept that much and Haru just laughs. Rin looks like a mess with his hair uncombed but Rin is Rin and he is alive and he is smiling. Haru can't stop the tears coming from his eyes. He doesn't know how much time he spends in his arms, desperately clinging on Rin as if he was going to disappear the moment he'll let him go.
"Hey, hey, hey." Rin whispered. His voice his low and husky, because he hasn't used it in a while. "I didn't wake up to see you crying."
"Shut up."
"Yeah, I love you too."
And Haru breaks into tears as Rin says those words that had been so hard to tell years before. If wonders if he had heard him, all the things he had said; he wonders if he had felt every time he had spent here, laying against him, sharing his warmth.
Eventually, everyone joins them. The room is filled with laughs and joy, full of energy and smiles. It's miles away from what it was even yesterday. But Rin is tired, and he needs to be left alone. Haru is still in his arms when everybody is waiting outside the room.
"Can I ask for one thing?" Rin asks when he feels Haru leaving the bed.
The doctor turns around. She looks tired, it's almost 8 PM and she still has other patients to see.
"Can he sleep with me tonight?"
The ask is directly directed to his mom. She comes into the room and looks at Haru, the boy she entrusted her son with.
"Of course. Anything you want. We'll talk tomorrow, you need to rest tonight."
Haru couldn't have been happier. Rin smiles and motions his mom to come closer.
"Thank you mom." he says quietly as he hugs her and kisses her cheek. "Thank you, for everything. I love you."
She sniffs. "I love you too."
Rin rolls his eyes when he sees her mom crying again.
"See where the cry baby comes from," he tells Haru as soon as they are alone together.
"Ah."
Haru doesn't know what to say. He had dreamed about this moment, he dreams about it every night and still, there are no words that escape his lips. So he uses them in another way, and kisses Rin instead. His lips are dry and responding, they break the kiss rather quickly. It seems Rin wants to talk.
"God, to think I almost died just to get a kiss from you."
Haru kisses him again before he can be more of an ass than he already is. He has barely awaken and yet Rin is back at his old self, full of life and joy; his smile shines like the sun and it's warmth enough to make Haru feel alive again.
"I missed you so much," he breathes into his mouth. "You have no idea of how much I missed you."
"I know. I missed you too."
"You were sleeping, idiot."
"But I felt it when you weren't there near me, when you weren't holding my hand. I felt lonely too." Rin says, and he caresses his hair from his forehead. "I thought I would never see you again."
"I was so stupid, so stupid please forgive me-"
"Shh shh it's not your fault. I made the bet I'm the one who jumped into the damn Ocean, it's not-"
"If I had kissed you that day you wouldn't have challenged me at all."
"Shut up. You're right, you're an idiot. Stop with your 'what ifs'. It won't make anything better. I don't resent you for that."
"But I loved you. I have loved you for so long. I feel so stupid I thought we'll be together forever and I never told you."
"Hey," Rin takes his chin with his hand. "We'll talk about it later. I'm tired. I want to sleep in your arms tonight. And I want you to hold my hand."
And that's what they did. They fall asleep rather quickly. At least, Haru does.
When he is sure that he is the only one still awake, Rin calls the nurse. He has never seen her, but he had heard the doctor talking before his family rushed in.
"Please," he says, "can you close the blinds? And get me rid of...this." He shows the wires attached to his chest, wires that connect with the machine where his heart race can be seen.
The nurse does as he told her, and when she is almost finished, Rin adds "and, also, please don't wake him up."
The nurse nods, and closes the door.
.
o0o0o
.
She had been working in the ICU for five years now. It's a very hard place, to be honest, it's where most of the tragedies likes to happen. It's been five years, and yesterday had been the happiest day of the nurse's working life - the handsome redhead had woken up, after more than a year. It had been a real miracle, and the young intern couldn't believe it either.
"We have to be careful though," the doctor had said, "his CRP is high and his heartbeat was a bit fast. I'll run some test to be sure everything is okay. Plan a CT Scan with injection of Iodine on tomorrow morning."
The exam was planned when she left her post, it was 2 PM. She hadn't seen the boyfriend yet, but she sure will have another opportunity to see him happy at last. Those two, they were so sweet, so tender so much in love; it had broken every body's heart, to see them suffering like that.
Her morning shift starts at 6 AM. When she enters the room for the changeover, everybody looks alarmingly sad. There is a cross on Matsuoka's name. Did they plan his transfer already?
"No, he died during the night."
The intern on duty that night isn't part of the ICU team. He doesn't know him, doesn't know Rin or Haruka, he doesn't know anything about their story or about all they have been through. And the young, exhausted man sounds so detached, indifferent, and neutral about it that it makes her wants to slap him in front of everybody - and considering everyone is sending him dark eyes, maybe she should.
But he doesn't know. They can't blame him.
"What happened?"
The doctor on duty tells them, with medical and complicated terms what had caused the patient to die. They tell them about the boy still asleep in his dead boyfriend's arms, and that they have been told not to wake him up.
The nurse waits for the intern of the ICU to come back, to break down on her shoulder. Haruka is still asleep. The two women stand together behind the window, the blinds are open and they can see them both. Their fingers are entwined. Rin's arm is curled on the small of Haruka's back.
"He looks so pale." The nurse says, and she sniffs, and dries her eyes with the end of her white uniform.
"He is dead. Rin is dead." And then, they both hold their hands together to give them strength. Some days are tougher than the others.
"They call it a 'surge'. It's a small moment of respite; the patient feels better for a short time and then, it goes down even worse than before. I'm sure...I'm sure he just woke up to properly say goodbye."
"Or to say the things he had never had the guts to say before," the nurse adds.
They watch them through the glass for long minutes before they get back to work. The tears drop silently on their cheeks. Somehow, they manage to smile, when they think about how their fingers are linked, or about the true smile on Haruka's angelic face. It's good to see him happy, even if it will only last a second before he sees the ugly truth.
"You know what's funny? It's incredible. He had asked for Haruka to sleep with him tonight. As if he knew it was the end. He chose to die in his arms."
They don't know what the boy is dreaming about, but they hope it's only filled with Rin, and his smile, and his long hair blowing in the air, and of the both of them being happy together, forever and ever after.
There aren't that far from the truth. Haru dreams of the beach. He dreams of Rin waiting for him on the sand, his body facing the Ocean on a warm summer day. The beach is empty; they have the whole place just for themselves and there is no wind, no sound but the one of the waves, and the waves come and go on the beach, endlessly, until there is no one left in the world.
Rin kisses him. Rin is alive and safe in his arms.
Nothing else matters.