No Single Universe but This One
Part 1 of the Untraveled Road Universe
By Allietheepic7
"Ah, Jolly Old England!" The dashingly handsome Deadpool exclaimed merrily as he entered the painfully normal neighborhood of Little Wittington, or some shit. He didn't know. That's the author's job.
[What's with all the adjectives?]
{And why is it jolly? It's raining!}
"Ask the author, it's her fault." The Merc with a Mouth said. "Now…where the fuck is Number 4 Privet Drive?"
After much searching and scarring the crap out of one little old lady with a shit-ton of cats, Deadpool finally found the house of his nearly departed victim. It was…depressingly regular.
{Can we get chimichangas after we unalive this guy?}
[I don't think they have Mexican food in England, Yellow.]
"Blasphemy!" the merc cried as he kicked down the front door with a loud crash. He entered the perfect house {Perfection is overrated} and greeted the shocked family of 3 with a smile and twin 22 caliber guns. "Evenin' guvnor!" he said in his cheesiest English accent.
An extremely fat man [He should probably lose a few pounds. In blood.] turned a particular shade of purple. "Who the bloody hell do you think you are!? Barging into respectable people's homes!"
"I am the amazing, spectacular, incredible—"
{Stop stealing superhero adjectives!}
"—Deadpool!" Wade smiled, expecting the usual screams of horror or the ever common "Please, God, no!" The three stared blankly at him.
{How'd a walrus and a horse created a pig?}
[I don't know.]
"Doesn't matter!" Deadpool exclaimed as he fired a warning shot into the TV. The blond piglet promptly fainted. "Well, that was over dramatic. The author didn't have to make the kid pass out."
[She didn't want to traumatize the kid by making him watch the deaths of his parents. Even she's not that cruel.]
"Good point," the Merc said and focused her sights on the walrus. "I'm going to assume that your wife is not a transgender and say that you are Vernon Dursley. Is that correct?" Mutely, the couple nodded.
[I've never seen that color of purple before.}]
{Let's call it Fat-Man-Exploding.}
"That's a good name," Deadpool agreed. "Now, Mr. Walrus—"
"Aunt 'Tunia, I'm done with the garden now."
Now, most people who write fanfiction seem to think that starvation makes a person seem younger, primarily due to lack to height and body weight. This is mostly true, which is why when our favorite mercenary first saw Harry Potter, he thought the child was barely 3.
[He's 5.]
{You sure?}
[Yes. I can also see his bones. He's neglected, if not right-out abused.]
{Oh…Can we kill them now? I really want to kill them now.}
"In a minute," he muttered before bounding forward to crouch in front of the kid. "Heya, buddy!" the merc said.
"Hi…" The kid stared up at Deadpool with big, scared eyes and the anti-hero felt his heart break a little.
{Kill? Please?}
[Not in front of the kid, Yellow.]
The child was covered in mud, obviously having just been outside in the rain. His black hair was stuck to his forehead and his pathetic excuse for clothes were soaking. "Come on, kiddo. You go in the kitchen, while I talk to your family, okay?" Deadpool practically pushed the kid into the other room and went back. Two shots rang out, followed by two thuds.
[Won't the pig be traumatized by waking up to his dead parents?]
{Not our problem.}
Deadpool went into the kitchen and saw the kid was standing in the center of the room, careful not to touch anything. The Merc sat on the floor in front of him. "Hi!" he exclaimed, smile visible through his mask. "I'm Deadpool, infamous Merc with a Mouth! But you can call me Wade!"
The kid glanced at him from under his bangs, looking to all the world like a kicked puppy. "I'm Harry," he said quietly.
The mercenary pulled a towel out of one of his (interdimensional) Pockets and draped it over Harry's head. The kid's mouth made a small 'o' in surprise before he started drying off.
[Cute kid.]
{Let's keep him.}
[He's not some pet that you can get rid of when you get bored, Yellow. Our life is no life for a child!]
{I'm not going to get bored and we can keep him safe! Plus, I bet Spidey would love to babysit for us when we're off on a mission!}
[*sigh* we'll ask.]
"So, what's there to eat in this place?" Harry stared wide-eyed as Deadpool rooted around the fridge. Vegetables, ew. Pasta, ew. Pizza! Everyone likes pizza! The Merc whipped out the cold treat and plopped it on the table. "Here we are! Hope you like—" he checked the box, "Hawaiian! Score!"
"I-I've never had any." Harry said timidly as he got a slice. He glanced fearfully towards the living room.
"Oh, don't worry about them, I took care of it." Deadpool waved away his worries. "Your family has offered for you to stay with me for a while, if you want."
Harry looked up from his pizza. "Y-You want me?" Hope lit up his emerald eyes. He sounded like no one had ever wanted him around before and Wade could sympathize.
"Of course I do!" The Merc exclaimed, throwing his arms up. "I've always wanted a little brother!"
[Liar.]
{Shh…}
The boy seemed to consider it. "How long will I be staying with you?"
"Forever, if you want."
Harry's eyes grew comically wide before a banana-peel grin over took his features. "Yes!"
{Yay!}
"Yay!" Deadpool and Yellow cheered in union while White would have face palmed if he had a face. Or a palm. The Merc reached into one of his Pockets and tried to find some clothes for his new baby bro. It was unacceptable for the brother of a world famous mercenary to be dressed in only rags!
While Wade didn't carry any clothes for a malnourished 5 year old, he always carried his Spiderman hoodie with him. With great sacrifice on his part, he gave the hoodie to Harry. "Here, put this on."
The sweatshirt went past his knees and Deadpool had to roll the sleeves up 6 times just to see the kid's fingertips. Harry raised the hood and it fell neatly over his eyes.
{Aww…}
The Merc picked Harry up. He was going to have to fake some records for the kid and probably hide all the weapons. But as Deadpool exited the house with Harry in his arms, there was no regret.
Now, how was he going to get back to New York?
{We could steal an airplane?}
Good enough.
A/N: This is the first in a series of oneshots. The only reason it's in the X men area is because it's the only one where Deadpool is a character.